Morning Cuppas With Glenys : Grief

Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts

He delights when we call on Him

I think to cry and pray to Jesus in the midst of chronic pain- physical or emotionally is soul intimacy. In fact the more one draws close to Him, the more intimate the relationship becomes.

Jesus was born 100% human and 100% God. He was a Man acquainted with sorrow and He wept. He comforts us and keeps our tears in a bottle.

Many times we are told to come to Him- in good times and in bad, He will not turn us away.

Wanting a deeply personal relationship with us, He says of Himself that He is as a father and as a shepherd. He comforts us as a mother and promises to carry us through our trials. When we come to Him, He gives us not only comfort, but peace- the kind of peace that is beyond human understanding.

Don't ever be too much in pain, too sad or too ashamed to approach God for help, encouragement or comfort. He delights in being there for us and delights when we call on Him.

"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, Who shelters him all the day long; And he shall dwell between His shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

A warm embrace.

I owe myself an apology.
For all the times I promised to forgive myself, only to bring it up again later.

For clipping the wings of my own dreams before they even had a chance to take flight.

For thinking so little of myself at the very moments I should have been standing up for myself.

For the lies I swallowed while starving for truth.

For believing that all the glass I walked on as a child was ever my fault.

For withholding from myself the same grace and second chances I so freely give others.

For allowing the world to convince me that my heart was both too much and not enough.

For all the days wasted pretending to be someone I hoped you would accept.

For not living my life more on my own terms, simply because I was afraid of making a mistake.

For punishing myself for far too long.

For believing love was bloody and painful, and that I didn’t deserve better.

For every time I looked in the mirror and hated who I saw.

I could sit here listing every reason and way I was wronged by others, but maybe more than anything, I owe myself an apology for not valuing this one, beautifully precious life of mine enough to know I’m worthy of greatness, the very best of everything.

And for that, I am sorry. Author unknown

I cried when I read this. I had a very traumatic and abusive childhood. At sixteen, I got engaged and became pregnant soon after, and married a man who started abusing me badly before the ink had dried on the marriage certificate.

I doted on my children for in them I saw someone who would love me.

In spite of the abuse, I stayed with him for the children's sake. At least they would have a happy childhood.

I hated myself because I was taught that I was unloveable and nothing I did pleased anyone anyway.

And now, looking back on my life, I realise that I took on too much, trying to make sure that no one else suffered the pain I felt from childhood until today.

My present husband is loving... however two of my four children are not. Some of my grandchildren love me and half don't.

And now at 71 years, I realise that it doesn't matter. I am happy in my own skin. Loved by some and especially loved by God.

Nothing was my fault in spite of being blamed for everything that went wrong all my life.

And so, I have learned to comfort the little girl who sought love and peace and who learned the 91st Psalm and prayed it every night to get to sleep.

It was not my fault that my mother took out her frustrations on me, hating that I was actually quite strong and therefore was a threat to her subjugation of us all.

And now, I have decided to forgive those who made me feel inadequate, unloved and stupid.I am too old and sick to carry that burden anymore...

The past has gone far too quickly- I cannot ruin my final years dragging that chain of regret and unforgiveness.

And as I forgave my parents and ex-husband for their abuse, I found a calm and peace as the burden was lifted off my shoulders.

And looking at my reflection in the mirror, I realised that I had to also forgive my younger self for not being stronger and more resilient. I hated her when she was in fact strong and I feel sad that I let her bear the brunt of hate and disrespect for as long as she did...

The reflection in the mirror looked back at me, and smiled and accepted my forgiveness...and my love.

I wrapped my arms around myself and embraced her warmly....

"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.." Psalm 91... words that comforted my younger self...

I refuse to stay in the Pit of Despair!

Depression is often related to one having a sense of loss to something dear to them. In my case I am grieving the loss of my adult children's affection and the feeling that to them I am already dead. I have been tossed out like an old shoe.

Second is the fact that they aren't very nice people and I suspect that one way or the other, I have failed as a mum...

So I had a time of prayer and during that I felt that as far as mothering goes, how they now act as adults is not my fault. I know now that God knows I did bring them all up in the faith and they were taught to be honest and decent people.

I have now decided that I will not stress about not seeing my new great granddaughter or even grandchildren... it is pointless to bond with them when I wont probably see them... I will not waste my last few years waiting for a word from them or even acknowledgement that I exist... if they cared, they would call

So now I am going to move forward and enjoy as much as possible those who do love me and want me in their life...

The hardest lesson I think was to realise that my love for them is not reciprocated and I am not important or valued much in their life at all. It's a bitter pill but once taken, it helps alleviate the grief of unrequited love...

So I am going to move forward and start thinking of positive things, like Chris and those in my family who do love me...

Another lesson was that even though I have no expectation of a relationship and have pulled back to stop hurting, it does not mean I don't love them... it just has to be from afar as they are toxic to me. At this stage of my life, I just need peace. And that doesn't mean I am selfish...

I refuse to stay in the Pit of Despair!

Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalm 71:9

I couldn't live with myself

I have been grappling with writing what's on my heart lately. As a deep thinker, I ponder daily on what I feel God wants me to write about in this blog. I try to encourage and edify, but I know that sometimes what I speak of upsets some people.

As I looked at myself in the mirror today, I saw a woman whose life is spent mostly on studying the Word of God, praying and blogging in between bouts of chronic illness. It's all I can do now.

Writing's been a passion of mine for the last 30 years after three separate pastors at different services prophesied over me, saying that God has appointed me to be a spokesperson- actually the word was "mouthpiece" for Him throughout the world.

I really took this to heart and started writing Christian personalised verse and self published a book of poetry called "In Spirit And In Truth". It sold at various Christian bookstores, but somehow this didn't seem the way that I was meant to go...

With the advent of the internet, I started blogging and that and writing for various Christian magazines have become my form of service to God. As the blogs and articles circulated, I realised that that was where the "throughout the world" part of the prophecies were coming from...

Apart from obeying God by writing, I realised that I burn with the desire to see the lost being saved and that I do indeed love people. Christian or not. Coloured or not.

As I combed my hair, I realised that I must write more of Christ and His offer of salvation than focus on our many illnesses and the Corona Virus. Times are short.

I know some who read may take offence, but please recall that I do so out of love and nothing personal to gain. I want you to be saved from the imminent wrath of God for people who prefer to live in their sin than to repent and serve God.

This world is getting darker and very soon Jesus will be taking the Church- His Bride, to be with Him. This is known as the Rapture and only believers will go.

My prayer is that you will go with us and not be left on this earth which is going to be hell on earth. I need to say it, before it's too late.

I don't want you to be offended, but saved. God doesn't want anyone to go to Hell, and neither do I. Times are short as I said and we have millenia of prophecies that have come true to uphold this.

One must be saved or born-again to get to Heaven. Jesus is the only way and that choice must be made personally and voluntarily. Either we accept Jesus and go to Heaven, or we go to Hell.

I have written this post for those who as yet aren't born again, because if I didn't warn you, I couldn't live with myself.

He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

Heinous acts

heinous

/ˈheɪnəs,ˈhiːnəs/

adjective

(of a person or wrongful act, especially a crime) utterly odious or wicked.

"a battery of heinous crimes"

synonyms:

odious, wicked, evil, atrocious, monstrous, disgraceful,
abominable, detestable, contemptible, reprehensible, despicable,
horrible, horrific, horrifying, terrible, awful, abhorrent, loathsome, outrageous,
shocking, shameful, hateful, hideous, unspeakable, unpardonable, unforgivable,
inexcusable, execrable, ghastly, iniquitous, villainous, nefarious, beneath contempt, beyond the pale;

With the advent of the latest abortion law passed today in New York which allows abortion of a baby for any reason until its due date, and now allowing infanticide of a child up to 28 days after birth, I thought this word heinous described it to a tee.

To wilfully kill a child that is viable and days away from being full-term is murder, pure and simple. To kill it post birth is an abomination. I cannot fathom the depth of depravity of the carrier of the fetus- I refuse to call her a mother, that she could nurture the life within her only to terminate it just before it comes to see the light of day.

Not that the length of gestation matters because a person is a person from conception. But to feel that life within, to endure any hardship socially, physically or financially until the final hours of that pregnancy and then to kill that child beggars belief. I simply can't fathom it. The darkness of the mind of that "mother" is perplexing to me.

Furthermore, the very act of abortion at any stage not only brings death to the baby, but potential death to its carrier, and a very real grief in most women at some stage later in their lives. There is also an increased risk of breast cancer in women who have had abortions..At a late stage like the third trimester terminations, surely it would be better medically if the woman just gave birth and relinquished the baby?

Surely having endured a pregnancy with or without social or financial pressures and having felt the child's movements and steady growth, there would be some interest in the baby's future, and well being? Sufficient to birth it and give it up for adoption? There are so many people longing to have a baby or adopt one, but sadly there are not enough children given the chance of life to meet that need.

I am flummoxed to understand how medical people can inflict such violence on innocents. Human life to them must be so cheap! And as they hold a new family member in their own arms, I wonder if the faces of suffering children they have destroyed come to mind, and if so, does it not move them? I suspect not.

I know I am not alone in feeling sadness, anger and dismay at the destruction of so many babies, and I also know that it strikes at the heart of most people, both saved and unsaved. But I cry for how Father God must grieve for each lost child and for their lost "mothers", for a woman who can destroy her child on a whim is lost until or unless she repents and seeks God's forgiveness.

I truly am in despair for the world right now. It has sunk to an all time low as the fires of Moloch on which innocent children were sacrificed reach an all time high.

Let us all pray for this law to be repealed and for the saving of the innocents. Let us pray for women tempted to utilise these heinous laws that they are given a heart of flesh instead of stone. For make no mistake, this heinous law is a crime against humanity and God. Maranatha!

Thus saith the LORD that made thee, and formed thee from the womb, which will help thee; Isaiah 44: 2

Teardrop babies.

WARNING- POSSIBLE TRIGGER FOR THOSE WHO HAVE LOST A BABY:

Many years ago, my mother went to the hospital bleeding heavily during her 13th week of pregnancy. It was unclear on her admission if she had in fact lost the baby she had planned. She was laying in the cubicle awaiting results of the examination of her lost tissue to see if she had miscarried or not. It was in the days before ultrasound.

Eventually a nurse came in, winked conspiratorially at Mum and announced that it looked like she had miscarried. Her demeanour was like she was the bearer of good news and that Mum should be grateful that she was no longer pregnant. Mum just turned her face to the wall and cried.

As a young woman, I too had a loss of a much wanted pregnancy. At the time I conceived, I had to have an emergency surgery. I was so ill for so long after the anaesthetic that it dawned on me that it could be morning sickness. It was.

I prayed that I would not lose the baby but it was not to be. A few weeks after my morning sickness disappeared- and I was always morning sick the entire 9 months with my other babies- I started bleeding.

Eventually I lost my baby and Mum had advised me to keep any tissue I lost to show the doctor. I fetched out my lost tissue and found a little embryo, all curled up and just forming its eyes. I was devastated.

I showed the little one to my then husband, who sniffed and said what a silly looking little thing it was! Something inside me died and I went outside and wept for the baby who would join its stillborn twin sisters, Sarah and Ruth in God's nursery. I named it Leslie because that name would do for either gender.

Wiping my eyes, I thought about how precious these lives were and how sad most women feel when they never see the light. By far there are more women who grieve over the loss of a baby than who feel relieved or rejoice. I decided that I would call lost babies Teardrop Babies. For many would shed a tear over their loss.

No Teardrop Baby is lost to God and is known to Him and that brings me some comfort. All mothers of those babes will see them again if they know the Giver of Life. I believe that goes for aborted children as well. Many a woman who aborted a baby will suffer great anguish over that choice and if she repents, God will forgive her and show her His great mercy and grace.

No matter what people tell us about our lost Teardrop Baby being just a bunch of cells or tissue, we know that they were our potential son or daughter and we will grieve for them with many tears. Another reason I call lost babes Teardrop Babies.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. Psalm 139:16

He knows the peddling has just begun

I think as parents, our children will always be children in many ways. We yearn to help them, we cry with them and for them, and we often would wish we could take a burden off them if we could.

Similarly, I believe we are always God's child and He yearns for us and longs to help us. It is comforting to know that God is a good Father Who always loves us and has our back! Also, unlike our earthly father, He is perfect in His love and care of His children.

As any good parent would do, God allows challenges, grief and even suffering to mould us and give us character. It is often in these times that we find that He is there right beside us, encouraging and protecting us, and teaching us to trust Him.

It sure is comforting too, to know that no matter how many times we fall or fail Him, that He is there with His arms extended to us, waiting to forgive and comfort us. His Grace is deeper than our sin. His Love is tender and His Heart is kind.

It certainly would be good if we didn't have trials to mature us, and we had Father God there to bless us and protect us constantly, but alas, we would not progress very far. We move forward and cannot exist on milk forever, but we must eat meat. Eventually, our training wheels have to come off!

It is then that we gain confidence in God, and in our witness. I can just picture Father God smiling proudly as He watches us eventually have our training wheels removed and start to wobble through life towards Home; He knows that the peddling has just begun...

Even to your old age, I am He, And even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you. Isaiah 46

Thank You, God for forgiving me!

My mother died of dementia two years ago. My brother lived with her all his life, so when she became ill, he became her carer.

Just before it finally became necessary for her to go into a nursing home, my brother had a severe heart attack and so Mum came to stay with us while he was in hospital.

I remember this chapter of my life so well, and it is a shameful time for me and one I regret. Forgiven, yes, but I can't forget the way I treated her during that week.

We had just moved into a new rented home and we were extremely stressed. Mum was missing my brother and was concerned about him. Every five minutes she would ask if I would ring the hospital and enquire about him. I would tell her that we already rang and they said he was resting comfortably after having a stent put in.

I reassured Mum that as soon as he was allowed visitors, we would take her to visit him.Which we did. But still she fretted and wanted to go see him. After a while, it got very wearying.

The room where Mum was staying in had a holland blind that had chains for putting up or down, and when I took a cup of tea into her, I noticed the blind edge at the bottom had been pulled off.

Not even unpacked yet, I was upset that already we had damaged a new house. I realised that Mum had pulled it down instead of using the chain tracking. When I asked her if she had done it, she declared it wasn't her- it just broke. She was like a little child found with her hand in the cookie jar. To my shame, I was less than gracious to her.

She was on medication for a urinary tract infection and half an hour after I gave her her tablets, she said she felt nauseous. I quickly ran to the laundry and grabbed a bucket for her, but she shouted at me that she was not going to use that... and promptly started gagging.

I quickly guided her to the nearby toilet and lifted the seat up for her, but she refused to vomit into the toilet and in fact swung her head from side to side, projectile vomiting all over the walls and floor.

It was all so unnecessary, and as I cleaned her up and then cleaned up the toilet, I did so in a bad humour. I asked her how hard was it to use the bucket I had brought to her and pointed out the awful mess that I had to clean... and as my fibromyalgia was bad and my spoons scarce, I was very ticked off with her and having to clean it up.

Mum hung her head, and said quietly, "Well I used to clean up after you!" It brought me undone. I cried and held her and told her I loved her. It was a good hour before I could stop crying as I saw Mum as she was- a woman in a child's body, scared of what was happening to her and scared of me!

Later, we were at the table and I was trying to coax Mum to eat. She was a stubborn woman with a will of iron, and as I cut her bread and butter up to make egg soldiers, I realised that she was losing her battle fast. Her body no longer knew how to eat. The long goodbye was getting shorter. She was dying!

I cried before the LORD when I was in the bathroom, torn between grief and guilt for losing my temper with Mum. I had never done that before or since, but I stayed there until I felt calm again and purposed to be kinder to her.

Fortunately for Mum, she had forgotten that I had been cross and happily did a tour of inspection of the new house, holding my hand in case she got lost. She didn't know how to get back to her room or kitchen.

Although Mum had forgotten about it, I hadn't and to this day, I still feel ashamed of my lack of patience. I know God has forgiven me, and graciously arranged that when she passed, she was holding my hand and peaceful. It was healing for me and good for her.

Even so, there are times when I am grieving for her that I wish I could live that day again. I would be much nicer and kinder. Thank You, God for forgiving me!

Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent. Psalm 71:9

Tell me something pretty!

In a film I once watched called "A Farewell to Arms", the Italian doctor was sick at heart with all the death and misery around him. He said to a soldier comrade, "Tell me something pretty!" He just wanted to hear something nice, something hopeful, something pretty! He was promptly executed for demoralising the troops.

Our world has been turned upside down, and there's illness, death and mayhem all around us. You may be like me, sick at heart and dismayed and long to hear "something pretty"...

I cannot change what's happening in the world that must come to pass, but I have something pretty for you to cling to- something hopeful, something true. We have a Saviour Who is coming to take us out of this world to live with Him forever.

He has gone to prepare a place for us where we will live with Him. There will be no more tears, no grief, no illness or sin. There will be no more goodbyes, no death, no funerals. Just peace and joy and worship. Lots of worship and joy.

Our Saviour died in our place for our sins and today He lives forever in victory. He's a Lover- a lover of our souls and He dances over us in joy.

He invites the unsaved to accept Him and love Him and He yearns over us by His Spirit, wooing us unto Himself, longing for our union as His Bride, the Church- believers. Jesus longs for *you*

Through the Eyes of Love, He sees us, a perfect Bride and His Father is glad that there is restoration between God and man. Restoration that came through the Blood of His Son.

I will tell you something pretty- no fairytale, though some may call it that- but a fact as sure as God Himself- we will soon be changed in the blink of an eye. We will be clothed with a new body that is eternal, and we will know Love unconditional, for God is love...

I will tell you the prettiest thing of all... it's love and joy and peace and hope and forgiveness and grace encapsulated in one word: I will tell you something pretty- His Name is JESUS!

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God because God is love. 1 John 4:7-8