Sick of doing good

 

These last few months have been hectic. My sister who was living with us for the last five months, found a new rented home about 45 minutes drive from us.

Because she is so ill with her lupus, we decided to move close to her to be with her. 

Needless to say, it was exhausting and Chris and I are both whacked. We are just about unpacked with only a few boxes to empty and place.

We love the home we have moved in to and it just a few minutes drive from my sister and son. And although we are sure the LORD opened the door for us to be here, I find I am depleted of joy.

Honestly, I am feeling put upon and resentful. I am sick of doing good. Let me explain.

We helped my son and sister move and they had help... but not so for our move three weeks later. Oh, we did get help, but only if they got paid for it. And this was family.

Over the years, we have helped our family greatly and hoped that they would return the favour, but not so. Instead of feeling supported and loved, we feel ignored and unloved.

Because of fatigue, I have not been in the Word much and I honestly feel that my bucket has come up empty. So today we played some worship videos and I read the Word again.

Feeling guilty for these emotions that should have been uplifting ones, not negative ones, I found a quiet place and poured my heart out to the LORD.

Reading scripture, I realised that I am not alone in being sick of doing good. So I have repented and made myself take some rest. The boxes can wait.

I need to practise self care for a while, spiritual as well as physical. I think with all my many illnesses, the one I find most burdensome is when I am sick of doing good.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household- Galatians 6:9-10

Crying happy tears!

 

So the last few weeks have been difficult to say the least. We have helped my sister close up her house, moved her in here and found accommodation for my son. 

On top of that, RSV has gone through our home and was pretty horrid. My sister says it was worse than Covid. 

Add a severe fibromyalgia flare to the mix, and you have a very disheartening turn of events.

I have prayed a lot during the last few weeks but haven't been diligent about reading my bible. To be honest, sometimes it was hard just to keep awake.

Today I finally got back into the Word and was immediately drawn to Proverbs 20:20- Whoever curses his father or his mother, His lamp will be put out in deep darkness.

I was immediately convicted of doing this- not actual cursing but speaking badly of particularly my mother, due to a very traumatic childhood.

I repented quickly but even so, I meditated on this during the night, talking to the LORD about it.

During this talk, I asked Him why He has in fact blessed me all these years, and immediately I felt Him tell me that He knew and saw all the past hurt and allowed me to talk it out and slowly release all the pain.

I further felt that now is the day to let it go- really go, and move on. I am amazed at the patience and tenderness that God has shown me and I am so very grateful for His love and forgiveness and mercy.

You may recall my love for kingfishers and how God used to make sure I saw them whenever they came for a feed.  I call them  "love glances"

Fast track to an hour ago as I was preparing lunch. I happened to look out of the glass door from where we feed the birds in the garden.  There was a black and white kingfisher! A love glance! 

My heart burst with love for God and happiness that He still loved me in spite of my many failings! It was just what I needed to lift my spirits... and today like many times before, I cried. 

Tears of gratitude and joy and a deeper joy in my spirit replaced the tears of pain and frustration of the last few weeks.

Finding Jesus is not finding religion- it is having a relationship with God and I am very pleased to report that God met His daughter's emotional needs mightily, for  He glanced at me in a personal way that  made me cry the happiest of tears! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

He said, “I am the Lord, the Lord. I am the God who is tender and kind. I am gracious. I am slow to get angry. I am faithful and full of love. Exodus 34:6

On this new quest

So I am just coming back to life after our move. My fibromyalgia is still there of course and so is my tiredness. I am trying to live with constant angina, but I have a new drive to get my house organised and decluttered.

All our boxes are unpacked and stuff is in its place, but there's a need to sort through that stuff and cull it.

Added to that is the desire to keep our new home nice. So I have my hands full, but no spoons.

I am trying to take control of my home- or rather, keep it controlled, but it's going to be a spasmodic deal. It all depends on spoons.

Like I did at the previous house, I have enlisted the help of a cleaner once a fortnight. She changes our beds, cleans the bathrooms and toilets and vacuums and mops the floors.

It sounds like that would be enough, but it still needs cleaning between visits. Thank goodness for my irobot Roomba.  It does a great job in between and I run it twice a day. We've called it Sadie!

To be honest, even without those jobs that the cleaner does, it. is. more. than. enough!

I am going to post pictures of my journey to claim back my house. Mainly for my own records, but you can join me here if you like.

I am going to try my best on this new quest.

 

When the fog clears, tea's on the list.

 

Recently I have been having trouble remembering things. At nearly 70, I worry about dementia and think that maybe I am going down that path.

But in talking with people who suffer from fibromyalgia like I do, I realise that fibro brain fog can make one forgetful. Especially during flares.

Having just moved house about 6 weeks ago, I am just starting to recover physically. I have a flare that is pretty constant with no spoons and I do forget things. And words mid sentence.

I don't think me forgetting to order tea in the online grocery order really means I  have dementia. I guess fibromyalgia flares can do that.

Looking through Marketplace the other day, someone was selling a bassinette identical to the one I had for my 4 children. It brought back memories like they were only yesterday.

But that didn't make me feel very at ease about my forgetfulness because dementia robs one of short term memory. But then so does fibromyalgia.

Considering all my previous times of brain fog during a flare, and my subsequent good memory, I surmised that it was not dementia, but brain fog from said flare. 

I believe when the flare abates, and the fog clears,  I will remember the tea in next week's shopping list. 

Bushed but satisfied.

Today we have no physio or doctor appointments so we can stay home. I am ploughing through 3 loads of washing and I have to clean my kitchen. 

I am cooking a pork stew in the slow cooker. Chris is feeling unwell and is sleeping a lot. I would be if I could with my fibromyalgia flaring, but I am waiting for the cleaner to come.

I have finally found a cleaner who can fit both DD Dianne and my homes in for a clean once a fortnight. They are doing hers at 2pm and ours at 4pm today. 

Although my Roomba is doing a great job, it needs someone to get into the corners it misses so I will ask the cleaner to do that. Basically it's my floors and bathrooms that need cleaning today with the beds changed starting next Wednesday week. 

We only have Chris's "man cave" to sort out now- the rest is done and the place looks nice. We are totally bushed, but it a satisfying feeling to look around and see it all come together.

Stating your name and business

As you know, we have just moved and along with a new home, comes some new things to add to the decor.

Chris and I love this door mat. This verse is one of our favourites and when we saw it we wanted it. It can be personalised to add your family name.

It looks lovely at the front door. We still have pictures to be hung and some flat packs of furniture to make up. The unpacking itself is almost finished.

The plan is to gradually go through room to room and gradually declutter. But this will depend on my spoons. I have another fibromyalgia flare.

But we have been finding that even a concerted effort of 5 minutes at a time followed by a rest and a cup of tea has paid off. Pacing is critical with fibromyalgia and heart failure.

I am in the process of getting an i-Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner to help with the floors. This house is quite large and the passage alone is as long as a cricket pitch...

Neither Chris or I can vacuum these days and I am hoping that the i-Roomba will save on money to employ a helper to come clean the house for me. I will let you know how we go.

Happily, the robotic vac can manage both tiles and carpet without skipping a beat, so it will be able to keep our lovely door mat free of dust bunnies. 

Meant to be noticed, I don't want visitors to our home seeing the mat dirty- not when it's proclaiming our faith and intention of having a holy home. It's all about stating your name and business! 

We love our new house

 

I pushed myself today to do some work and unpack. I know it's not the best thing I can do with a fibromyalgia flare, but I need to get my home organised. We are about two-thirds unpacked. 

But of course the cooking, cleaning, dishes and washing have to be kept up and I managed to get the kitchen cleaned and a load of washing done. 

My daughter Dianne came home from hospital after her knee replacement. She's doing really well, praise God. 

Chris isn't feeling too great so I have to wait for the heavier things to be unpacked. We really like our new house.

More spoons to enjoy life.

We have just moved and we are both quite tired still. Although the house is functional, there's still a lot of unpacking to do.

This weekend, two of our grandchildren wanted to come see us and give us their verdict of the new house. Knowing that memories are all we will have once they are grown, we agreed to have them.

Although I am suffering from a bad fibromyalgia flare, I got dressed and stayed up in order to spend time with them.

We cooked lunch together and watched family videos of when they were first born and growing up. It was fun but it was also non taxing to my sore body. 

Today I am expecting a lady to come clean for a couple of hours. She did such a good job of cleaning our old house for our bond return, that I asked her if she would like to do a regular clean for us once a fortnight. She agreed.

With my poor daughter suffering from fibromyalgia as well and now living two minutes away, she also agreed to clean her house after ours each fortnight as well.

Both my daughter and I are finding just cooking, cleaning our kitchen, doing washing, grocery shopping, running errands like going to the chemist, planning finances and feeding our pets is enough of a job. We need some extra help.

There's very little help here for chronically ill people who can't do housework. What little we did get has been stopped since a new government has taken over the reins. So we have to pay privately.

I am grateful that I can save enough each fortnight to afford a cleaner's help. It not only keeps my home clean, but gives me more spoons to enjoy life.

 

We just have to embrace it

We have been looking for another house closer to family. We have applied for one yesterday and had a phone call from the real estate this morning which sounded positive. 

Our fiver got to South Australia to its new owner and they rang us to tell us how pleased they were with it. So that's good. 

We are taking our GMC Sierra to the mechanic for a good overhaul Monday and then we will decide what we will do with it. Over here they are seen as a luxury ute and we think a young buck would love it. That's what we are hoping. 

My twin and son and granddaughter continue to recover from Covid but are still very much under the weather with it. 

I am convinced that our prayers have helped keep my twin. She's so many serious health issues such as lupus and I was afraid for her. 

I have done a load of washing, cleaned my kitchen and am about to make some lunch.  I have a flare of fibromyalgia again and my spoons are nearly all gone.  I will be  taking a nana nap soon.

With an imminent move, I am not looking forward to the energy output, however I am looking forward to being nearer family.

I will miss the birds and our feral cat who is gradually becoming less timid as we feed him. We have named him Teddy Bear as his face is surrounded by bushy fur and he is gingery brown and looks like a teddy.

But I know in  life that one rarely gets everything one wants and so we have weighed up staying or moving. We have decided that we want to be closer to family, particularly our daughter who has had leukaemia.

With a bird bath/feeder and garden swing to take with us, we will continue to feed the birds as we watch from the swing in the garden.

It's true what they say: nothing is sure except death and taxes. Life is full of change. We just have to embrace it.