It's all too much!

 

So recently I have had chest pain in angina and breathing problems coupled with what I thought was fatigue from an ongoing fibromyalgia flare.

My blood pressure sky rocketed, requiring a visit to a cardiologist who ordered an echocardiogram. My general practitioner told me if the results were bad, he would contact me. And he did.

I got the call last Friday telling me to make an appointment for a phone consult so I ended up speaking to the doctor on Monday. He told me I have heart failure due to Pulmonary Hypertension.

There is no cure for it but there are some treatments. I am already on blood thinners which I will stay on as PH can cause blood clots in the lungs. I already take 7 blood pressure tablets a day.

I often have felt dizzy and this is another symptom of PH and I feel like I can't get enough air in at times. The time will come when I will probably need oxygen at home.

Forget about exercise- I nearly collapse with exhaustion after walking up our long passage to answer the door.

I will know more tomorrow when I see the doctor in person. This is needful because he wants to check out the swelling in my feet, ankles and legs. I suspect I have fluid in my abdomen too. It hurts and is tight like a drum.

I had a blood test yesterday to check on my kidney function and this will be a regular thing.

Lately it's been one thing after another and I am a tad depressed. Prayers would be much appreciated. It's all too much! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

Cooking is a ministry

Lately with diabetes and heart failure causing Chris to lose his appetite, it has become more important than ever to prepare food for him that he enjoys.

Illness makes one's taste buds change and so the menu I prepare and the ingredients I buy constantly change.

I have to ask him on the day what he fancies to eat and I literally have to coax him to have some food. It can be very challenging.

In order to keep abreast of Chris's changing tastes in food, I keep a whiteboard on my fridge, jotting down things that he enjoyed and I glean Pinterest for ideas on meals. If Chris says he would like to try a recipe I find, it goes on that list too.

When my uncle lived with my mother, and later on my step-father, both of them lived beyond what the doctors expected (cancer and emphysema), and I credit that to Mum's good and plain cooking.

Chris knows this and forces himself to eat sometimes, but he never finishes a meal. Because a large plate of food nauseates him, I serve them in smaller plates. You learn as you go along.

I can well remember my ailing step-father Max sitting eating without obvious enjoyment and I asked him if he liked the meal. His answer has stayed in my mind to be implemented now in Chris's time of illness.

He said nothing was wrong with the meal, but his appetite was gone and he only eats because he knows he has to. And so I tell Chris when he refuses to eat. I remind him of what Max said. So he eats.

Nutritionally, all of Chris's blood tests come back normal. So he's getting enough iron and so on..

With cutting carbs and sugar as well as lack of teeth thrown into the mix, it can get frustrating at times. I make it a priority to include these needs into my prayer time each morning along with a request for necessary spoons (energy) with my fibromyalgia.

Apart from wisdom in meal preparation, God's been teaching me patience, kindness and endurance... and because nutrition is so important to us, I know the Man Who cooked breakfast for His disciples doesn't mind at all... cooking is a ministry!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks 

"When they landed, they saw a charcoal fire there with fish on it, and some bread. Jesus told them, “Bring some of the fish you have just caught.” So Simon Peter went aboard and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many, the net was not torn.

“Come, have breakfast,” Jesus said to them. None of the disciples dared to ask Him, “Who are You?” They knew it was the Lord. Jesus came and took the bread and gave it to them, and He did the same with the fish." -John  21:9-12

For me, it's spoons!

It's Sunday morning here. I have brought in the online groceries and checked them off and put them away. 

I will soon be taking Chris's bloods and doing breakfast. Breakfast will be eggs and bacon and a cup of tea. Lunch will be ham and salad sandwiches. For dinner, I am doing a vegetable intensive beef stew. Fresh fruit for desert.

There's a hamper of clean clothes to fold and then I will be up to date with washing. Later I plan to make some coleslaw, if spoons permit. 

That's about it for today, except for cooking dinner. I don't want to put myself into another fibromyalgia flare or I won't have spoons to help my daughter tomorrow. As I always say: most jugglers juggle balls, for me it's spoons! 

A big part of my life

It's 11.30 Saturday morning here and already we have been to have blood tests, come back and had breakfast and I have done a load of washing, folded clothes and stacked the dishwasher. 

They weren't able to get blood from me today so I have to come back Monday. This in spite of drinking water beforehand. 

Chris is sleeping and I am thinking of having a nana nap as I have no spoons left. So tonight I will be cooking pork chops with mashed potato and salad. I may serve a fruit salad for dessert.

The fibromyalgia is flaring and I am aching all over. I haven't recovered from the move yet. In spite of knowing I could/should do some more around the house, I know that I need to rest or tomorrow will be a repeat of today. Pacing and resting are now a big part of my life since fibro.

The only nice thing about it

So we went to the doctor yesterday to get our results from blood tests taken a few days ago. My blood pressure was 140/90 which was slightly better than last time, but still high.

He asked was anything bothering me and I had to tell him I am worried about Chris. Both of us have heart failure, high blood pressure, diabetes and cellulitis plus I have fibromyalgia. 

We both have pitting oedema on our feet and legs and the fatigue that comes from obesity and feeling sick. Dressing and showering is shared in that we help each other and because of exhaustion from showering, we shower every second day, taking opposite days. That way, we can help each other.

Our love language is touch in the form of massaging each other's feet and legs and our speech revolves around spoons and how much sugar is in everything that passes our lips.

We rarely leave home any more except for the doctor or chemist and our rubbish bins go out more than us. The highlight of our day is to discover we don't have any appointments or need a blood test. We are extremely relieved to know we can just stay home and have a PJ day.

It is unusual to call on us and not find at least one of us having a nana nap, particularly if we haven't slept well the night before.

When massaging Chris's feet or watching him sleep upright so that he doesn't feel like he's drowning in his fluid, I become anxious about how ill he looks and I fret that I will lose him.

I can't bear to think of that and when I do, I have to give it to the LORD in prayer and trust that He will grant us more time together.

All this angst does nothing to alleviate my fibromyalgia pain or help me get over a flare and I find myself taking mild pain relief every 6 hours. As the doctor advised.

Our home is able to be company ready in half an hour as it is basically tidy all the time. True, there may be slippers in the lounge or a cup on the table, but this can easily be fixed. I just close our bedroom doors to hide the permanently clean but unmade beds.

We love our home as we feel it nurtures us and even though we only may be gone a few hours when we have to go out, we find we are really looking forward to coming home again.

When we were engaged, we agreed that it would be nice to grow old together and we have. Twenty-five years later, it isn't so nice. But thank goodness we have each other and that's the only nice thing about it.