Showing posts with label meniscus tear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meniscus tear. Show all posts

When your home is a prison



Years ago I suffered from a dreadful condition where leaving my home was a cause for panic and anxiety. It's name is agoraphobia.  I overcame it, but it has reared its' ugly head once more.

With the Corona Virus instilling in us a fear of being too near people, being diligent with hand washing etc in order to stay safe,  and staying at home because of Rona, I have found it has exacerbated my agoraphobic tendencies.  

I get clammy going into a supermarket or even going to the Post Office. Some days I have to force myself to leave the house and I will get Chris to handle things for me if possible.

Living in the fifth wheeler for six months and ending up housebound because of my torn menisci didn't help me either. It took a lot of effort to get out of the staying at home habit when we first resumed renting. But I won, and by beating it then, I know I can do it again.

When we are asked to stay home, it does not present any great problem to me. In fact, the only problem with this whole virus thing is that I can't see my family. But that won't last forever. They will be able to come to me.

My agoraphobia will not last forever: with prayer and forcing myself to gradually leave the house for longer periods, I will overcome it. But it takes a lot of prayer and determination. But with time it can be done.

Agoraphobia must be tamed in order to have quality of life, for if given into, it will turn your home into a prison.


 © Glenys Robyn Hicks


"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, Who shelters him all the day long; And he shall dwell between His shoulders."  Deuteronomy 33:12

Chipping away at the stone


So my fibromyalgia is back with a passion, making every muscle ache. I tried to take a bath a couple of days ago and I had great difficulty getting out. I had to use a pillow under my knee and I had no other option than to lean on it to get up. It was so painful and the consequences are enormous.

I know I shouldn't have tried with both knees with torn menisci and other ligament damage.  I was in so much pain that I longed for a bath to hopefully relax my muscles. It didn't. Nor did it help my sore neck with another episode of polymyalgia rheumatica.

This constant pain is wearing me down. My doctor is too afraid to give me pain relief and I am considering changing doctors. This creates anxiety in me. And to top it all off, I have been cranky and not really a nice person to be near at the moment.

With Chris ill himself, I seem to be carrying everything myself with no help in sight. Take this morning for example. I put on a load of washing, cleaned Xena's litter tray and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher.

Testing our blood sugar level before breakfast,  I asked Chris what he wanted for breakfast. He told me what he wanted, just sitting there waiting for me to get it for him. I am sorry to report that I arced up and told him to get it himself.

I added some other truths about him acting like he's the only one with pain and that I am tired of being his servant when all he does is watch TV and sleep all day. You gotta understand, that usually this isn't an issue, but the pain has truly worn me down.

Chris asked me what I had done so far this morning. I told him and he replied that it isn't necessary to push myself like I am doing. Push myself? Doing minimum household chores?

I told him I was just trying to live a normal life and he replied, "But you aren't normal! You have got to realise that and accept it!" But in fact, what I do is pared down to the bone housekeeping compared to what it was even 10 years ago. How much less can I do and still manage to live a relatively clean and organised life? Single handedly.

Over the 23 years of having fibromyalgia I have had a determination like stone. I would not let fibromyalgia or indeed any of my other painful conditions control my life. And for the most part it hasn't. Until today. It's chipping away at the stone.


My new wheels

                                               

So if you have read on my other blog, I am now wheel-chair bound. I am relieved that I have an easier method of transportation and that it will be easier for Chris to push, but I am also sad that my life has come to this.

So, the MRI results are in. I have a meniscus tear, fabella, torn posterior crucius ligament, bursitis and osteo arthritis behind the patella. It needs surgery as it does not repair itself.

I am to see an orthopaedic surgeon and meanwhile I must rest the knee and use pain killers. 

We have bought a shower chair and a wheelchair. I have had Chris push me on the seat of my walker, but it is a big strain on his heart and I worry about him. 

It is difficult to focus enough to write at the moment and I spend a lot of time on the couch aka the beach, or in bed with my electric blanket.

I am just able to stand enough to wash some dishes, cook a meal and stack the washer and dryer. Chris helps sometimes and has been my legs.

I am making use of the slow cooker a lot, cooking the meals as I am able to stand.

As with all new health issues, I am trying to come to terms with this "new normal" and the constant struggles with fibromyalgia are now "normal" and this new challenge is calling for all my ability to accept my new lot in chronic illness.

I am disheartened that both my knees have now given way (I have a torn meniscus in my other knee), and am trying to feel grateful that I could afford a wheelchair. Thank goodness for afterpay.

I am trying to be thankful for my new wheels, and I am also trying to give this new situation over to the LORD. I guess it's all a part of grieving what I have lost and accepting it, and not giving way to self-pity. It's hard.

However romantic a picture I can find really doesn't cut it for me as I struggle to accept that I am now wheelchair bound, and instead of a new car, a wheelchair is my new wheels.


© Glenys Robyn Hicks


My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 76:26

Our little haven

 


So yesterday was a day of horrible fibromyalgia pain and fatigue. I felt a little down so I came to my couch and sat next to Chris for a cuddle and rest. 

We love feeding the birds that come into our back garden and all through the day, our garden is like an airport. Birds of all types come to dine and drink and it is so restful and fun to watch them.

They have their own little antics and natures and they can be quite amusing. And apart from watching their different natures and antics they have something else that we find very attractive: they have babies.

It's such fun to watch the mothers feeding their babies and to watch the babies venture further and further from her as they learn to feed themselves. They fly but are still juvenile and yesterday their mothers were distancing themselves from their chicks and refusing to feed them, much to their annoyance. 

The magpie juveniles are especially raucous and squawk even with food in their mouth. They are almost always feeding. The minor bird mummy also is weaning her chicks from her and as soon as she moves away, they follow like the duckling family juveniles do. So fun to watch.

But by far, my favourite birds are the Kingfishers which have also had babies. Whilst laying on the couch, I can see outside and I was delighted to see a mother Kingfisher with one of her three babies on our garden swing.

They were watching the porch which was covered in birdseed for the galahs and rosellas. I had thrown out some cut up luncheon meat, and they were waiting for the magpies to vacate the porch so that they could dine. Kingfishers are shy and besides, magpies are three times their size. So they wait.

It is the season for little white cabbage moths too. They are flying around the agapanthus plants and I guess they are mating because they seem to be in pairs. As are the pigeons that come for the seed.

There are three that regularly call in and partake of the parrot seed on the ground. There's a little female who just wants to eat, but there also is an amorous male who has romance on his mind. He pursues her constantly and hopes to make her his by dancing for her. 

He fans out his tail feathers and hops towards her, then takes a few steps back. He repeats this courting gesture until she tires of him and runs a few feet away. But he is insistent and pursues her over and over again. I hope that he wins her heart as it is such fun to  watch the young birds as they leave the nest under their mothers supervision.

We have a bird bath/feeder in the back garden which we used to fill with seed, but now with torn meniscuses in both knees, I cannot get down the steps to fill it, so they get fed from the back sliding glass door. I just toss the food onto the back porch. They don't care where it is. 

They are quite used to me now and I have them almost eating out of my hand. So much so that as soon as I open the door, they come flying in to the garden from all directions, calling each other.

We have water in the bird feeder and in a plastic container in front of the steps. They bathe and drink and sing and they enjoy our back garden as much as we do.

It's a lovely place to recoup one's spoons during a fibromyalgia flare. The daily scenes are so peaceful and we love our little haven and we know the birds think of it as their haven as well. Their constant visits and frequent broods of chicks speaks of a place of plentiful food, water and safety.

We are grateful God lead us to this little country town- it is a gift from Him: our little haven



Overcoming agoraphobia.


Years ago I suffered from a dreadful condition where leaving my home was a cause for panic and anxiety. It's name is agoraphobia.  I overcame it, but it has reared its' ugly head once more.

With the Corona Virus instilling in us a fear of being too near people, being diligent with hand washing etc in order to stay safe,  and staying at home because of Rona, I have found it has exacerbated my agoraphobic tendencies.  

I get clammy going into a supermarket or even going to the Post Office. Some days I have to force myself to leave the house and I will get Chris to handle things for me if possible.

Living in the fifth wheeler for six months and ending up housebound because of my torn meniscus didn't help me either. It took a lot of effort to get out of the staying at home habit when we first resumed renting. But I won, and by beating it then, I know I can do it again.

When we are asked to stay home, it does not present any great problem to me. In fact, the only problem with this whole virus thing is that I can't see my family. But that won't last forever. They will be able to come to me.

My agoraphobia will not last forever: with prayer and forcing myself to gradually leave the house for longer periods, I will overcome it. But it takes a lot of prayer and determination. But with time it can be done.

I am afraid that when we are finally over Covid 19 and able to leave our homes, that I will be so used to being home that I will prefer it. Our agoraphobia must be tamed in order to have quality of life, for if given into, it will turn your home into a prison.

 © Glenys Robyn Hicks

"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, Who shelters him all the day long; And he shall dwell between His shoulders."  Deuteronomy 33:12

He works all things together for good



As you may recall, we were living in a RV fulltime for six months until my physical problems meant I became housebound. With great disappointment, we had to find another home to rent. 

God blessed us so much with finding our cottage in the country. With selling or giving away all our furniture to live in the van, we had to buy furniture all over again, just like newlyweds.

Again, God blessed us by guiding us to places that allowed us to pay our furniture off through renting to own it or by doing Afterpay. 

When we look out our back garden, we can see His Hand in all this. He knew what I was hungering for and graciously provided it in this cottage. I am a country girl at heart. Of course, He knew that!

It is not uncommon for me to sit watching the birds and taking it all in, and becoming overwhelmed with grateful tears to the LORD. I am a weird person who doesn't cry much in pain or adversity, but who cries with happiness.

With the Corona Virus, Chris and I have been thinking how God blessed us by having us get out of the fifth wheeler and into a stable home. The government in Australia because of Rona, have shut down caravan parks, with only those with permanent homes given permission to stay. We would have had nowhere to go. 

Just the other day Chris said it was a blessing in disguise that I tore my meniscus in my knee and we had to go back to renting. We agreed that God planned this for us as of course He wasn't taken by surprise with this Virus.

Also, I might add, since moving out of the fifth wheeler, my knee has improved dramatically. With all that has happened recently, it is evident to us that God has had His Hand on us all this time. What seemed like a disappointment has been turned into a blessing.

This has just deepened our faith and our hearts are swelled with gratitude and praise. 

It is good to remember that when one door closes, another one opens. God works all things together for good for those who love Him.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

Empty buckets


I did an enneagram test for fun the other day. It said I was a 2 which basically is a helper who needs to be needed. It sounds like me. Or the past me.

Always trying to help and indeed, called on often in time of trouble, it has been my pleasure to respond to the call. Until recently.

Since we had so many changes in the last 6 months, I have found my spoons are lacking. I cry easily, both when I am sad and also when happy. I hunger for solitude and just watching the bird life around us. I need time to heal not only from the meniscus tear in my left knee, but emotionally. I am tired.

No matter how tired I feel, I drag myself to church because I need it. I am indeed grateful to the LORD for so much.  I love to listen to the Bible on You Tube and I play hymns in the background most of the day. Prayer is often ongoing for hours and I am gradually finding peace again.

It's good that we are now retired as there are days when the fibromyalgia flares and I can't stay awake, and I now just go to bed and have a nana nap whenever it is necessary. 

It has taken me 66 years to realise that it is true that 
  1. I am not responsible for fixing everything or everyone who is broken. But I can pray for them.
  2. It is OK to say no if I honestly can't cope with a request. I don't have to feel guilty 
  3. It is OK to admit to being over something and not to be stoic and push myself mercilessly
It is important to recognise burn out and to take steps to heal. Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. There will be time after your healing to be a helper again. Not recognising burn out will result in you having a physical or emotional meltdown. And no one is going to benefit if you have lost your joie de vivre or your milk of human kindness is dried up and you have only empty buckets to give.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And he said unto them, Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while: for there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat. Mark 6:31

Footnote: since writing this post, I have learned that enneagrams originated from new age practices and automatic writing. I will not be doing any quizzes etc regarding this again. Thank you, Janine for making me aware of this. 

Telling it to our cat


As you probably know, we are in the process of finding a new rental to live in. We are currently living in a fifth wheeler, but I have torn my meniscus again and I cannot handle the seven steps to get in and out. I am practically housebound.

My mother passed away a year ago and I must say that I am still feeling her loss keenly. Coupled with my meniscus tear, exacerbated spinal pain because of the bed and stairs and pulled arm muscles from heaving myself up the three steps from the first level to the bedroom and ensuite, I have the Mother of all fibromyalgia flares with arthritis to boot. It has been one continuous flare since we moved in here four months ago.

My depression is compounded by the chronic pain which is constant and I have gained even more weight as I cannot move much. I am close to the Pit of Despair and something that happened yesterday didn't help me much either...

We had to go food shopping yesterday. Chris was bringing the groceries up into the fiver and I was slowly plodding my way towards the steps. A woman who has a caravan near us spoke to Chris then came up to me and offered me her hand as I painfully managed the stairs. I was so grateful and heartened that she bothered to help me. Not many people make the effort. 

At the halfway point wherein the flyscreen door swings out and one has to push it aside, I let go of her hand. I was telling her of the reason we were selling the fiver. At last I made it inside and I turned round to thank her, mid-sentence. She wasn't even there but I could see her almost at her caravan.

My feelings did a downward spiral as I realised I had been talking to myself and I felt again the loneliness of the chronically ill and disabled. From a fleeting feeling of respect and validation, I felt disrespected and my problems considered minor or of no consequence. The chronically ill or disabled will understand what I am speaking about.

We don't ask for constant validation and never ending compassion. We know that the "normals" who don't experience the pain and inconvenience of disease and disability, can't empathise, just sympathise. But what we do ask is that we be heard, respected and validated.  Nothing compounds our physical pain as much as being ignored, made fun of or marginalised. This is important to us..

The "normals" can even help prevent a trip to the Pit of Despair by showing a bit of interest and compassion to us, so please don't be like our neighbour in the caravan park who didn't want to know. 

I am not minimising the power of prayer, and we should pray and talk to the LORD, but we need another listening ear sometimes, but often people don't want to hear us and for all the good it does, we might just as well tell it to our cat. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Coping with change and disappointment


As you know, we live in a fifth wheeler RV  We have been on the road for three months. Having sold or given away most of our stuff, we have very little left. But it didn't matter as this RV had most things we needed. It was a dream come true.

The dream is coming to an end. My body can't cope with RV life. All my ailments are exacerbated by living in the fifth wheel. I have torn my meniscus in my left knee and I can no longer manage to get up the seven steps and the three up into our bedroom and ensuite. I am almost housebound.

Because the bed is difficult to get in and out of, I need to pull myself up and my shoulder and neck muscles vie in hot contest of being the sorest. As a result, my polymyalgia rheumatica is back and bad.

I have to slide down the wall to help take pressure off my sore knee and this has played havoc with my spinal problems and after getting up the main steps, I suffer angina really badly.

My fatigue is so bad and my fibromyalgia is in a flare. The stress of finding a new house and forcing myself to use the steps in order to do that is causing me to go into a depression.

There's no way round it: no mobility aids to overcome the problem and we will have to sell the fiver. It is a very disappointing turn of events.

I had prayed that I would be making the right choice in buying the fiver and GMC tow vehicle and in how I used my inheritance my mother left me last year. I felt sure this was the way to go but three months into our venture, it is apparent that for me, it is not a lifestyle I can maintain.

In a Christian's life, there is nothing that God hasn't already seen, and in saying that, I must confess that I believe everything is for a purpose. Whatever is in the future is part of God's plan for my life.

In feeling the disappointment, I must remind myself of this. I look forward to looking over this chapter in my life's book and seeing God's purpose for this. God is good. All the time.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks


He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Like a beetle on its' back


So I have managed to get up onto the X-ray table with great difficulty. It was so narrow that my sides were almost going over the edges. I was assured that I would only need a few pix of my spine and to be honest, I was glad about that. 

Anyone who has had an X-ray when their back was screaming for mercy would know that they aren't the most comfortable of beds, so I settled uncomfortably, glad that it promised not be a long drawn out affair like an MRI.

My previous X-rays on my hands were no problem at all. But this back and neck pain being investigated by X-ray was proving to be a challenge. I lay there praying that the first set of pictures would be sufficient so that I could escape back to the safety of my home. 

They had wedged some foam under my side and it was making my back muscles go into spasm and cramp. There was no give in the sterile table on which I lay and my fibromyalgia was making everything feel like torture.

The first sets of films were fine but the technician decided to take a few more pix higher up towards my neck. By the time I was allowed to get off the table, I was as stiff as a board. 

I tried to raise myself up, but the pain in my muscles and neck made me flap and flail around helplessly. Like a drowning man, I jerked around trying to sit up whilst the technician retreated behind the screen. 

Things were getting desperate as I saw that the table hadn't been lowered and the drop was great enough to make me fearful. So, with a final grunt as I pushed forward and slumped back, I called out in desperation for the technician to come and help me.

Finally upright, my head momentarily swam and I gripped the edge of the bed. Seeing my dizziness, the technician pushed my shoes towards me. I tried to lower myself off the bed again, and my knee with the torn meniscus gave way.

Down I came and fortunately the technician was able to break my fall: and not for the first time, I wondered why they don't help their patients a bit more. Arthritis, shot knees, Sheurrmann's Disease, ankylosing spondylitis, Polymyalgia rheumatica, fibromyalgia with obesity thrown in for good measure makes a good case for help getting on and off the table. 

I just think that some people don't realise the limitations of chronic illness and disability. Sometimes I need their help. It's either that, or try and pick me up after I've fallen to the floor, landing like a beetle on its' back. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

With the Psalmist, let us dwell on God for our strength as we cry, "I love you LORD my strength!" Psalm 18:1