Morning Cuppas With Glenys : depression

Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

We are blessed, not lucky

With the blessing of each new day comes a chance to experience a deeper faith and love from God.

When all can look gloomy today, there is every chance that tomorrow will be brighter. We must always remember that or we will sink into the Pit of Despair.

Just recently I have posted about how difficult life has been lately but in all that, God has shown Himself faithful and good to me in many ways. Ways that are personal and intimate between He and I...

Such is the relationship between us that I can see God's Hand in everything. Things meant for my ill have turned out, through Him to be totally turned around and a blessing..

The blessings started out small at my lowest point. God sent my little Kingfisher into my backgarden. Only I would have seen him, and I recognised His love glance immediately.

Then He brought a little ginger cat into our life. Very affectionate and homeless. And an answer to my prayer to be a "cat lady" in my old age.

I have had my prayers answered with our 3 pregnant grandchildren's pregnancy problems being sorted and we are eagerly expecting new babies in the next few months.

Family who have been ill with serious health issues have had major improvements.

Our rented house, which was for sale has been sold to an investor and we can stay- longterm. The settlement is tomorrow and today the for sale sign was removed!

In fact, yesterday the new Property Manager came to do the final pre-settlement inspection and she was impressed with how clean and well kept our home is!

She also said that with the new laws here in Australia regarding investments property acquisitions, it was not really worth investing now and she added that we were very lucky to have the sale go to an investor.

I agreed but really I don't believe in luck. Once we are born again, everything we do comes under the watchful Eye of the LORD. He does not bestow luck on us nor is our fortune- good or bad, by chance or the universe.

It is not controlled by how the stars are aligned or if you crossed your fingers or wished upon a star. It is by God's grace and favour that we are blessed- and even that which we don't see as a blessing is permitted by Him in order for us to grow closer to Him and seek Him.

Jodar the mythical god of luck has no power, and God Himself will not share His glory with another. Blessings are from the only true God. We are blessed, not lucky

"The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the Lord.” -Proverbs 16:33

It is well with my soul.

The only reason I've made it this far is God.

His grace carried me.

His plan sustains me.

His promise still stands.

Lately I have been feeling every day of 73. With new health issues unfolding and chronic pain and fatigue, I feel like my body is slowly closing down.

With my family history of dying around or before 75, I can well imagine that I will not really make it to old bones.

As I told my doctor last week, it is well with my soul. I am just unhappy that the carrier is breaking down so rapidly.

I am not depressed. Ageing and pain and death are a part of life and I am not afraid of dying. I am more afraid of the manner in which I will die than the actual act of dying...

The reason I am not afraid of death is that God is in control of the number of days allotted to me and the manner in which I will go to Him.

Over the last 73 years, since early childhood, I have been aware that He loves me and carries me.

His grace has been my stay and song during a life of pain of every sort, from a wretched childhood to a hellishly violent first marriage of 25 years. Culminating in my body falling apart after I met and married Chris. My rock and soulmate for the last 30 years.

Some days I am not well enough to sit and talk with you, due to pain and brain fog from fibromyalgia and pain killers. But I want to tell you that the joy of the LORD is my strength.

He keeps me from the Pit of Despair and I find there's always something to be grateful for. And I am.

I have learned to give myself grace as I navigate and walk the path of the chronically ill.

God's plan for my life as a Christian, wife and now great-grandmother still brings me purpose and joy.

Having faced death a few times already, I am at peace in the knowledge that God's promise to carry me even to the time of grey hairs is as real now as it was when I first became born again 46 years ago.

Even to your old age, I am He, And even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you. Isaiah 46:4

If I go in the Rapture or rise to meet Christ from my grave, it is of no consequence to me. I know to Whom I am going. My body will be resurrected and my soul with Jesus.

As I said to my doctor, "It is well with my soul!"

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.. 2 Corinthians 4:16

We have to live through the bad times

Every day is precious no matter how much you ache or hurt. Life has to be lived rather than endured.

Realising how short life really is should encourage us to live it with courage, taking hard times as a challenge.

Not every day will be sunshine and roses, but those days will help us appreciate the days that are.

Remember too, we have to live through the bad times to get to the good.

“See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” Ephesians 5:15-17

Whatsoever things

As I got older, I became morose and sad. My good years were behind me. Chronic illness overtook my life and I resented it so much. It turned inward and made me sink into a depression.

I overcame this by deciding to accept my limitations and to love myself enough to rest, eat well and be grateful for the very fact that I was still alive.

I didn't want to stay in the Pit of Despair, so I gave all my anger and sadness to the LORD. I decided to look at whatsoever things were lovely, and to count my blessings..

This helped me recover spiritually and emotionally. I didn't realise how much my self talk and negativity had brought me down.

If you want to fly, you have to release your burdens so they don't weigh you down, so tell the LORD about it, for it is He Who will release you and help you fly.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

He is the Word

In a film I once watched called "A Farewell to Arms", the Italian doctor was sick at heart with all the death and misery around him. He said to a soldier comrade, "Tell me something pretty!" He just wanted to hear something nice, something hopeful, something pretty! He was promptly executed for demoralising the troops.

Our world has been turned upside down, and there's illness, death and mayhem all around us. You may be like me, sick at heart and dismayed and long to hear "something pretty"...

I cannot change what's happening in the world that must come to pass, but I have something pretty for you to cling to- something hopeful, something true. We have a Saviour Who is coming to take us out of this world to live with Him forever.

He has gone to prepare a place for us where we will live with Him. There will be no more tears, no grief, no illness or sin. There will be no more goodbyes, no death, no funerals. Just peace and joy and worship. Lots of worship and joy.

Our Saviour died in our place for our sins and today He lives forever in victory. He's a Lover- a lover of our souls and He dances over us in joy.

He invites the unsaved to accept Him and love Him and He yearns over us by His Spirit, wooing us unto Himself, longing for our union as His Bride, the Church- believers. Jesus longs for *you*

Through the Eyes of Love, He sees us, a perfect Bride and His Father is glad that there is restoration between God and man. Restoration that came through the Blood of His Son.

I will tell you something pretty- no fairytale, though some may call it that- but a fact as sure as God Himself- we will soon be changed in the blink of an eye. We will be clothed with a new body that is eternal, and we will know Love unconditional, for God is love...

I will tell you the prettiest thing of all... it's love and joy and peace and hope and forgiveness and grace encapsulated in one word: I will tell you something pretty- His Name is JESUS! He is the Word.

John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God," identifying "the Word" (Logos in Greek) as Jesus Christ, existing with God before creation and being divine, setting the stage for His role as God's revelation and the creator

At the end of the day

I have a heart blockage between 2 stents that needs to be addressed. They botched my two angiograms- the entrance of my femoral artery and the entrance into my heart was damaged, and the followup angiogram thrombosed my right radial artery which has a very weak pulse and that was 18 years ago. So I refused the procedure.

I have had stable angina recently and I know somethings going on there, but I am trusting the LORD for keeping me alive. And if not, I will be with Him.

I pray that Jesus comes for us sooner rather than later. I am ready..

I probably sound depressed but I am not. I am a realist though... and sometimes that comes across as defeatist. But we are more than conquerors. I remind myself of that often... Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. Romans 8:37

We’re not depressed when we know where we’re going and Who is in control.

I am petrified of another angiogram with lasting injuries... I got lymphedma in the leg and arm they tinkered with... a painful lasting after effect still evident 18 years later.

Whether He takes me now or raptures me, I know I will be with God. That's all that really matters at the end of the day, isnt it?

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.. 2 Corinthians 4:16

The most joyous of days..

It's Christmas Eve here and I was resting between chores thinking that I don't feel very festive. And as the random thoughts came, I realised that I am not alone...

The birth of Christ is a holy time sometimes celebrated with lights on trees and pretty baubles. Presents adorn the floor around the tree and a feeling of hope, and expectation fills the air.

Carols are a lovely way to thrill the soul and worship the Christ Child, and since Covid, this is mainly from computers, CD's and so on. Carollers are for the most, a thing of the past.

A lot of people perpetuate Saint Nicholas' legacy by telling their children that Santa Claus is coming and for them, Christmas takes on a magical quality.

Sadly for me, my children and even grandchildren are grown. With that childlike expectancy of gifts and new toys now gone, a lot of the fun of the season is gone with it. I miss it.

Obviously I find my joy in the Gift of Christ our Redeemer, and I am truly grateful- not only at Christmas, but all through the year. But those who are now missing the joy of children at Christmas will know what I mean.

And I don't believe I am the only one noticing a lack of festive joy this year. The shops are visited by people with tense, even grim expressions and scarcely one person wishes another a Merry Christmas! It is understandable. The last few years have been difficult to say the least. Stress is rampant.

I think now it is more important than ever to remember the reason for the season. The King of glory came as an infant, born in a stable and given a manger for a crib. But the most wondrous thing of all is that this Baby was born to bring hope and joy to a lost mankind.

As mankind struggles to celebrate- truly celebrate- Christmas, and as world events worsen, I want that childlike faith and joy to come back. But I truly believe it will only come back when Christ comes back to take us believers Home. That will be the most joyous of days...

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! 2 Corinthians 9:15

Keep some Kleenex in your handbag!

Some of my family are going through the menopause and have a few trials with it, both emotionally and physically.

At 72, this now is a thing of the past for me, but for millions of women world wide, it is ongoing. But like everything in life, this too will pass..

I wrote this post when my hormones were waning and I was going through the Change. This highlights just some ways it can effect us at that time...

Just recently I have been going through some difficult and emotional times! Not only has my fibromyalgia flared, causing me pain and fatigue through not sleeping soundly and my heart has been paining me, but I have had to contend with hot flushes and the roller coaster of feminine hormones both rising and waning- mostly waning I suspect!

I know I am not the only woman on earth to go through this stage of life- but I can only write about how it has effected me- anything else is hearsay and observation! The curious thing is that I thought I left Menopause City behind, but as I walk through the Path of Life, I have been confronted with another sign post that tells me I am still in the boundaries of the City.

Today, for example, Chris and I were having a coffee and cinnamon bun at our shopping Centre…apart from tiredness, I was feeling OK emotionally. A darling little baby girl was in her stroller eating some of her mother’s cinnamon roll and she was making quite a mess of herself. I was captivated by her- she was so cute! As I turned smiling to mention her to Chris, a very pregnant lady walked past me and my mood suddenly spiralled downwards to regret.

With intense sadness, the knowledge that pregnancy and motherhood were no longer things which I would enjoy personally, hit me like a blow across the mouth. The realisation that I was not only getting old- but WAS old, took me by surprise and I tried to counteract it’s horrible gripping effect on me by mentioning the delightful baby girl drooling cinnamon icing, to Chris, who was happily sipping his cappacino.

To my utter horror, my eyes started to fill up and I could not control the feelings of despair and sadness that threatened to overtake me! As I grabbed a serviette to dab my eyes, and to both of our embarrassment, I started crying into my cinnamon bun! Chris was taken unawares as well and just rubbed my hand.

I ran to the ladies restrooms, where I cried for the years of childbearing and mothering that flew by too, too fast!…I cried for the hunger to feel a baby kicking inside me, and to smell that irresistable smell of a new-born baby and to feel the velvet skin of a new blessing against me as I breastfed!

Blowing my nose, I battled the jealousy I felt seeing women carrying babies in their wombs and in their baby slings. I battled the feelings of fear of old age and disappearing waist line and loss of my youthful vigour and health. I panicked momentarily as I realised that I was probably 2 thirds through my life already- and I still felt at times like a girl!

I flushed the toilet as I waited until the tears abated, hoping to drown them out from the ears of other people. It was a frightening and embarrassing moment! And a puzzling one too! For I “know” I am too old to be a mother..too many health issues too..too fatigued to take on a child 24/7 for the rest of my life…too selfish in a lot of ways now…YET the desires and maternal feelings haven’t died!

And now that I have had a cry, thought through the whole thing and had time with the LORD, I feel silly. I suppose I shouldn’t really feel silly…the maternal hormones are a God-given part of being feminine and so too is this season of my life. I just find that sometimes the maternal hormones go on hyperdrive as the childbearing ones wane.

How grateful I am that God has given me an understanding husband…one who says he understands even when I don’t. One who passes me a cinnamon bun and a tissue without too many questions….and rubs my hand…it all helps.....

I hope that you will realise that like every season, this Changing Season will not last. We have made it through Menopause City and you will too.

As you traverse the valley, keep looking up and forward. Try to think of positive thoughts- Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Pray continually and keep close to the LORD, and remember He loves you dearly. Isaiah 46:4 And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you.

And keep some Kleenex in your handbag!

"To every [thing there is] a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: " Ecclesiastes 3:10

Choose to move on

There is much wisdom here. Going back is often impossible, but moving forward is a must. Pray and ask for God's help.

Just don't stand still and get nowhere. Your attitude will effect your next step. Your action will effect your day. Each action on a daily basis will become your life. Determine to be happy in the LORD

To a great degree, you are in charge of your ending. God has great plans for you. Choose to move on.

" For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

You can rely on His Word

Scripture tells us that we will not know the day or hour that Jesus comes to take His Bride- the Church home with Him. We who are looking for His glorious appearing and being with Christ for eternity are longing for the Day. And so we should be.

“However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows" Matthew 24:36

Many of us are experiencing our own tribulations as the world is cast into the shadow of the great Tribulation, and we are tired of living in this sin-filled, ungodly world. We need to keep not only our eyes looking up, but our hearts.

As in the days of Noah, so shall it be in the final days before the Rapture also known in the Bible as the Harpazo and Rapturo. (Yes it is mentioned in the scriptures). We need to keep the faith, keep fighting the good fight and keep our spirits and heart in longing for our Beloved to come for us. And He is coming!

What can we be doing as we wait for Jesus to take us Home?

I believe we should be in prayer for those people suffering under authorities such as the Taliban and for all those Christians who are in danger.
We need to intercede for the Ukrainians who are being invaded as we speak.

We should be praying for those who are still unsaved.

Keeping the faith can be difficult for some, especially as the world gets darker. We need to pray for ourselves too.

How can we overcome the anxiety and depression these end days bring?

We should bring our thoughts and minds under the control of the Holy Spirit by focussing on good things that are still here

We must remember that Christ is in control, no matter how bad a situation becomes.

We must bring everything we see, hear and read in to the light of the Word and we must remember that all these things, though disturbing, are temporary.

We must maintain an attitude of gratitude for all things in our life and dwell on God's goodness.

We simply must be a person of worship and praise.

We must be in the Word.
We must remember that Jesus has promised to take us Home before the Great Tribulation.

Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth- Revelation 3:10

The end is in sight and we are tired. We long for Jesus to take us to be with Him. We are continuing to fight the good fight. We are running the race and our Saviour cheers us on.

We are being His faithful servants even in the end days.. whilst watching and waiting. Even so, come Lord Jesus! Maranatha!

Those who don't know Jesus yet....There's not much time left, my friends. Get on the Ark and get saved now.

He is coming- and soon. Accept Christ now! God is fulfilling all things and it must come to pass. You can rely on His Word.

Still or not, you suffer

I have been very ill off-and-on for several weeks now. But I needed to drag myself out of bed and "Make an Easter for the Family" as Connie Hultquist would say. I will be okay. My husband (who is disabled) and I learn to live in pain and suffering. He will say that he is going to suffer whether he is doing something in life, or sitting still and hurting. He chooses to do things and live, rather than do nothing and suffer. He will suffer no matter what. But we put on a happy face and enjoy the family and our home and all the wonderful blessings we have. Mrs White of Legacy of Home

As a chronically ill woman, I have seen two lots of sufferers- those who feel like Mrs White and I and those who take to their beds and surrender to it.

Just because the former types of ill people push on as much as humanly possible does not mean that their illness is all in their head and therefore subject to discipline of oneself.

It means that they realise that they may as well try to live as normal a life as possible instead of taking to their bed like the latter half and doing nothing...

We all have days where illness or disability makes it impossible to do anything, ensuring we have to rest, but those who never try to live won't even try to have a life even on better days.

Last week I had a fibromyalgia flare and it was truly torture to try to do those jobs I need to do.. I had no other choice than to rest. But today is the first day I felt a bit better, and so resumed my "normal" routine and feel better emotionally for it.

Others would prolong the flare and continue to stay in bed as they often fear bringing on another flare. Instead, they often succumb to depression because they have mentally put themselves in the invalid role and therefore often endure the loneliness and joylessness of the invalid.

Over the past 24 years of fibromyalgia and other illnesses, I have decided to push myself a little in order to enjoy more of my life. But there's always a balance- if I feel particularly down, I will take a nana nap or actually go to bed.

The trick is learning to co exist with these illnesses and try not to allow those dictators called "Spoons" to literally dictate how we will live each day and how much enjoyment we will derive from each of those days.

As I have been up for quite a few hours already and done some housework, my muscles are cramping and I need to rest. But at least I have some job satisfaction and can cross some tasks off my daily to do list...

Until next time, may you find some spoons to energise you and some motivation so as to enjoy the most of your life that you can today...

Don't let the spoons dictate your life every moment.. still or not, you suffer..

So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Sick of doing good

These last few months have been hectic. My sister who was living with us for the last five months, found a new rented home about 45 minutes drive from us.

Because she is so ill with her lupus, we decided to move close to her to be with her.

Needless to say, it was exhausting and Chris and I are both whacked. We are just about unpacked with only a few boxes to empty and place.

We love the home we have moved in to and it just a few minutes drive from my sister and son. And although we are sure the LORD opened the door for us to be here, I find I am depleted of joy.

Honestly, I am feeling put upon and resentful. I am sick of doing good. Let me explain.

We helped my son and sister move and they had help... but not so for our move three weeks later. Oh, we did get help, but only if they got paid for it. And this was family.

Over the years, we have helped our family greatly and hoped that they would return the favour, but not so. Instead of feeling supported and loved, we feel ignored and unloved.

Because of fatigue, I have not been in the Word much and I honestly feel that my bucket has come up empty. So today we played some worship videos and I read the Word again.

Feeling guilty for these emotions that should have been uplifting ones, not negative ones, I found a quiet place and poured my heart out to the LORD.

Reading scripture, I realised that I am not alone in being sick of doing good. So I have repented and made myself take some rest. The boxes can wait.

I need to practise self care for a while, spiritual as well as physical. I think with all my many illnesses, the one I find most burdensome is when I am sick of doing good.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household- Galatians 6:9-10

A delightful cuppa

Troubling times bring out the best or worst in us. We are all like tea bags sitting in pretty tea cups waiting to be filled with water to make delicious tea.

We all have the tea leaf of our favourite tea in our bag. But add lukewarm water, and we sit largely untouched and of little use or pleasure to the tea maker.

By adding boiled water, we release the flavour that delights the tea maker and is pleasant to the palate.

In our trials, whatever they are, God does not sit aloof but watches with the love of a father to see how we will react. He wants us to turn to Him in our times of trouble and to trust Him.

Because of His great love for each of us personally, His eye of concern is on us and how we respond. He wants our response to be one of childlike faith. We don't have to understand everything.

It is easy for us to be confident and loving and trusting when little heat is in the water of adversity- but what happens to us when the boiling water of long and extremely harrowing trials come our way?

Do we allow the boiling waters of adversity to steep us in faith, love and trust- or do we give up on our faith and run from God, boiling but lacking tea in our bag?

I don't know anyone who isn't touched by these latest trials in the form of wars and injustices, and I don't know why God allows it and hasn't intervened. But I can say that even though we are afraid at times, that God is not idly sitting by or caught by surprise. He is calling us to Him.

He is watching our reaction, and the world is watching us. How we react to adversity is the benchmark of how much tea is in our bag. Jesus wants us to overcome fear and find our strength through Him.

We don't need much tea: in fact a mustard seed size of faith is enough to move mountains. But we must have tea or we will be useless to others and a misery to ourself because we have no peace.

Let us resolve to keep tea in our bag and to allow the boiling water of adversity to make us stronger! Let's keep close to the Teamaker and be a delight to Him as we lean on Him with the eyes of faith instead of fear.

We want to be steeping in strength through clinging to Jesus! Are you a delightful cuppa?

"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, Who shelters him all the day long; And he shall dwell between His shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

Closer than ever!

“However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows" Matthew 24:36

What can we be doing as we wait for Jesus to take us Home?

I believe we should be in prayer for those people suffering under authorities such as the Taliban and for all those Christians who are in danger.
We need to intercede for the Ukrainians who are being invaded as we speak.

We should be praying for those who are still unsaved.

Keeping the faith can be difficult for some, especially as the world gets darker. We need to pray for ourselves too.

How can we overcome the anxiety and depression these end days bring?

We should bring our thoughts and minds under the control of the Holy Spirit by focussing on good things that are still here

We must remember that Christ is in control, no matter how bad a situation becomes.

We must bring everything we see, hear and read in to the light of the Word and we must remember that all these things, though disturbing, are temporary.

We must maintain an attitude of gratitude for all things in our life and dwell on God's goodness.

We simply must be a person of worship and praise.

We must be in the Word.
We must remember that Jesus has promised to take us Home before the Great Tribulation. Revelation 3:10 see below

The end is in sight and we are tired. We long for Jesus to take us to be with Him. We are continuing to fight the good fight. We are running the race and our Saviour cheers us on.

We are being His faithful servants even in the end days.. whilst watching and waiting. Even so, come Lord Jesus! Maranatha! If you are not saved, get saved now. There's not much time left so get on the Ark!

The Rapture is closer than ever!

Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth. Revelation 3:10

It's not about how fast we spin our wheel

We have RSV in our house and I am wiped out! Whether you have the flu or suffer like I do from fibromyalgia, you will have days where your body forces you to rest simply because you can't do anything else.

But that doesn't mean that resting will make it better. Nor does it guarantee that you will gather more spoons to use when you rise up from your sickbed.

When you are chronically ill, you don't get better and rest definitely doesn't leave you feeling refreshed and full of energy.

The most rest can do for us is give us a temporary respite from forcing ourselves way beyond our comfort zone to serve our family.

Needing to rest can make those who don't understand chronic illness to make us become the victim of nasty retorts stating that we are lazy and putting it on in order to take to our bed.

Being that fibromyalgia is one of many invisible illnesses, we are often maligned as malingers and the angst that this creates can cause us to become depressed as well as angry.

We didn't ask to be sick and most of us in fact push ourselves way beyond our comfort zone to prove to ourselves and others that we are not lazy.

I think as fibromyalgia is often a prolonged illness that we would do well to take thoughts of others directed at us to be taken into the captivity of Christ Who doesn't condemn us but Who loves us at all times.

He understands and doesn't condemn us. We have to take His Word that He loves us as we are.

We need to learn to switch off from those who condemn and criticise us for taking frequent breaks and nana naps. We know we are doing the best we can and our worth is not about how fast we spin our wheel.

Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him. With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation. -Psalm 91:14-16

She's still the same girl

So it's my 71st birthday in a few days and my best friend Ann came to visit me. It was a visit of mutual tears and laughter and reminiscing about days of the past.

We have been friends since we were 11 years old and as we sipped our tea and coffee we joked about how 61 years of friendship has outlasted most marriages these days...

A new grandmother, Ann lamented how she hates being old and wonders if she will even live to see her grandbaby turn 21... and we cried.

We cried that I don't think I will be here when her next grandbaby is born and that the shawl I am making for her daughter might not get to her if I don't finish it soon. I want her to have one for her other daughter's future baby like the first one has..

We laughed about things that happened at school, and cried about trials we both had during our 71 years of life. And we nearly choked on our coffees laughing about the agonies of aging but how the alternative didn't look too promising either!

Our emotions were rollercoasting madly, but then there was a lot of reminiscing and the viscitudes of life were a tad sporadic over 61 years of reliving those days...

We talked about God's answers to particular prayers we had petitioned God for in our families and we recommitted those people to Him...And we thanked God for our friendship.

In parting, we realised how blessed we are to have a true close friend and we marvelled that 5 hours had passed in the visit that went quickly, and we exclaimed that we had had a very fun afternoon.

As I saw Ann off and she smiled and waved as she drove away, I had a flash back of the young girl I used to study with. A few changes in appearance for sure, but she's till the same dear girl I grew up with...

A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: And there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.- Proverbs 18:24

I refuse to stay in the Pit of Despair!

Depression is often related to one having a sense of loss to something dear to them. In my case I am grieving the loss of my adult children's affection and the feeling that to them I am already dead. I have been tossed out like an old shoe.

Second is the fact that they aren't very nice people and I suspect that one way or the other, I have failed as a mum...

So I had a time of prayer and during that I felt that as far as mothering goes, how they now act as adults is not my fault. I know now that God knows I did bring them all up in the faith and they were taught to be honest and decent people.

I have now decided that I will not stress about not seeing my new great granddaughter or even grandchildren... it is pointless to bond with them when I wont probably see them... I will not waste my last few years waiting for a word from them or even acknowledgement that I exist... if they cared, they would call

So now I am going to move forward and enjoy as much as possible those who do love me and want me in their life...

The hardest lesson I think was to realise that my love for them is not reciprocated and I am not important or valued much in their life at all. It's a bitter pill but once taken, it helps alleviate the grief of unrequited love...

So I am going to move forward and start thinking of positive things, like Chris and those in my family who do love me...

Another lesson was that even though I have no expectation of a relationship and have pulled back to stop hurting, it does not mean I don't love them... it just has to be from afar as they are toxic to me. At this stage of my life, I just need peace. And that doesn't mean I am selfish...

I refuse to stay in the Pit of Despair!

Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalm 71:9