Morning Cuppas With Glenys : The Pearls

Showing posts with label The Pearls. Show all posts

Give us the comfort of Jesus~

I recently saw a post from a Christian woman who blogs about marriage and who believes she is an authority on all things spiritual. Along with this narcissim, she has a very prideful and uncompassionate and judgemental attitude. Plus she will never concede that perhaps, just perhaps, she is wrong.

She was exhorting us to not allow any sin into our lives: gluttony was high up on her list. And whilst gluttony is a sin- (anything taken into excess especially that which is harmful- is a sin)- she proceeded to broadcast her lack of knowledge in weight and health matters, and made the blanket statement that overweight is always due to gluttony and that is therefore sin.

So many chronically ill people commented and her attitude was one of "pipe down you glutton and confess your sin!" Many overweight people- Christians- were upset by her and I join them. I wrote a reply as this woman needs to be made aware that her judgements are not only spiritually wrong but also medically incorrect....

OK. So I am obese. After 3 heart stents, an underactive thyroid that took years to diagnose, fibromyalgia, Scheurrmanns Disease, spinal stenosis, hole in the heart and a torn meniscus in the left knee plus years of Prednisolone due to polymyalgia rheumatica, I don't move around much.

Every single one of the 30 pills I must take daily add to my chronic fatigue and lack of alertness. I eat healthy food and keep to 1200 cals a day. Due to meds, I must eat with them and I cannot fast- but I have tried. To make a simple equation in physics help me lose weight, I would be able to consume a plate of lettuce once a day. Which is unreasonable and unsustainable.

I am very close to God and am under absolutely no conviction that I am either a glutton or a consistent sinner. I am however, absolutely constantly reassured of a God Who loves me as a Father loves His child and I confess I cling to Him in my daily living with chronic illness and consequent obesity.

To have prideful and uncompassionate people act like Jobs' Comforters is no help at all and very unChristlike. Where is grace? Why the judgements? Thank God we have one Judge and Advocate: I thank God it's Jesus.

It is a shame that this woman is so unsympathetic and strident: she speaks a lot of truth regarding marriage, but again with the caustic remarks and prideful attitude one sees in her adored author Debi Pearl, as seen in her horrible book Created to Be A Help Meet.

A Christian teacher should be gentle, not prideful, harsh and downright cruel. There are so many of us who are overweight and who fight it daily. We do not need to be told that we are sinning because of our weight. It is a sad state of affairs when we have the added pain of condemnation from an unlearned individual to contend with as well.

Let us be slow to speak and then to do so in love, just as our Saviour taught us. We need His comfort as we battle our weight and illnesses, not some self righteous cowgirl galloping in on her stallion. Job's comforters are not required- (not that she tries to comfort anyway) Give us the comfort of Jesus!

I have heard many such things: miserable comforters are ye all. Job 16:2

Teacher of good things

I have recently been reading posts and stories of Elisabeth Elliot a wonderful woman of God who lived what she believed.

Elisabeth died at the age of 88 in 2015 and she left a legacy of writings for today's Christian woman to emulate. She was a true Titus 2 woman, teaching the younger women by her godly example.

I particularly love these two videos on YouTube that I will share for your perusal and pleasure. The titles are A Peaceful Home parts 1 and 2.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veci9jXajOE part 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lM0mcENWkmw part 2

There are many wonderful videos and indeed, many books that Elisabeth has produced that are great for growing in biblical womanhood.

In this depressed climate, it is good to fix one's eyes on godly and Christian teachings, and focus on positive teachings. Unlike Debi Pearl, I find Elisabeth Elliott was scripturally sound, compassionate with women and a woman who exuded Christ in her life and teaching.

This is so critical in mentoring or ministering to women who are seeking to be Christ like in their dealings with others. We are to be encouragers and sharers of biblical principles for women.

Along with many others, we older women are to be gentle and wise as we minister to younger women and we are like Elisabeth, to be a teacher of good things.

Titus 2:4-5 “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”

What more can I say?

Over the years, I have heard a lot of false teachings, seen a lot of strange things, and read a lot of false theology. I have been the victim of some false teachings and false accusations, and when I questioned them, I was told that I had an unteachable spirit.... I have been swept along in hyper-faith teachings, until I realised that the problem with these is that they fail to allow God to be sovereign... they promote Self over God... sound familiar?

We are called not to judge people, however, we are wise to discern first what we will accept is from God. Be wise and do what the Bereans did- check everything you hear or read against the Word. If it doesn't line up, ditch it....and if someone doesn't agree with you after checking with the Word, don't accept what they have to say- especially if they say you disagree because you have an unteachable spirit.

If you have weighed up the teaching and found it contrary to the Word, and then someone tells you that you have an unteachable spirit, it closes the door to further conversation with them. Whatever they are teaching is not scriptural and they are not open to correction. What more can I say?

These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so. Acts 17:11

Balance in all things!

All my writings are a call for common sense and balance in Jesus’ Name! Jesus taught balance in all His sermons. In every thing we should weigh up what is written against the Word of God and not take any persons' message as gospel.

In particular, I am speaking of Debi and Michael Pearls' teachings in their books To Train Up A Child and Created To Be His Helpmeet. After reading them, some people rave of benefits to their marriage and in child training, while most are floundering in guilt because nothing is helping and this is quite often, because the Pearls imply that mostly the woman has the power to change things. Obviously, God is the One Who changes things and all other efforts are doomed to failure. Reliance on God is not stressed in the books, in fact, self-reliance are preached. Talk about building your house on the sand!

However, there is a grain of truth in their books. Let’s acknowledge what little is good in these books, but try and put out the fire of damage that it has the potential of doing in the lives of those who take the Pearls advice to the extreme…I know without a doubt that there will be people who are hurt by over zealous application of some of the basically unsound and unscriptural suggestions regarding suffering in marriage and in child training!

I will write about them as long as they are selling their books, because Christian families are being hurt by their ministry.

We need to pray for these wives and children…they will be the ones suffering whilst the few who report good changes in their marriages and family rejoice! Only the LORD will know how many really will profit by these applications.

Before you follow any ministry, weigh it up by what the Word says. Is it biblical? Is it loving? Is it something Jesus would do? Line it up in the Word and pray about it before implementing it. Balance in all things is critical...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Psalm 82:3

I don't think I stand alone!

After my critique of Created To Be His Helpmeet, I received some not so kind comments, one in particular from a lady called M... .here is my response to M for stating that I over reacted because of my abusive ex-husband and that this had "coloured my lenses"..

I reflected on M’s comment regarding my first abusive marriage and I had to concede that it had indeed ‘coloured my lenses’ in how I think about women suffering in silence at the hands of a violent husband. It has ‘coloured my lenses’ in how I see the church in general counsel the abused wife- and it certainly has ‘coloured my lenses’ to how I respond to the erroneous advice Debi Pearl dishes out to the suffering wife.

So, I stand guilty of having coloured lenses. I stand guilty of being sensitive to the weak, afraid and hurting godly wife who is abused. I weep when I read or hear of children living with domestic abuse. My lenses are very coloured here because I was raised in a home of not one, but two alcoholics (an uncle who lived with us), who made our lives miserable. My father would often push my mother and I would have to push him off her….yes, it coloured my lenses.

I cry for the children enduring not only the violence that alcoholism brings into the home, but these days- the drugs! My heart is heavy as I relive the pain of domestic violence seen through children’s eyes. And I cry for the feelings of powerlessness that it evokes in all on the receiving end.

When a book such as CTBHH comes along, I am hopeful that it will have real “meat” for the abused wife- some hope and helpful comments to encourage and edify! There are many that do address this issue-alas, CTBHH is not one of them. For the issue is almost deliberately side-stepped, leaving the reader with sand in her mouth.

So, why do I write about this in my blog? Is it a vent for my years of trouble? A cathargic release leading to healing? A bid to become “known” as a Christian writer? God forbid, none of these things! My primary focus is to encourage women- all women: single, happily married, unhappily married, divorced or separated or widowed. I truly love my Sisters in Christ everywhere and I try to uplift and edify them- because of love. God knows, I have had many things happen to me in 67 years: I simply share them in what I hope are transparently honest posts.

My heart is sad that CTBHH is such a divisive book- one is forced to take a stance one way or the other. This should not be! Sisters should support each other in the LORD not fight each other over this issue or anything else. I am sad that Debi and Michael Pearl’s Ministry opportunity was so badly squandered. So much good could have come from them if they had stuck to scripture and had not only compassion, but commonsense!

So I say simply- I stand with the weak and afraid, the uncertain and the searching! I stand with the little children who are switched from an early age- and I stand (trembling) against the sinful husbands who have to take responsibility for their own actions and who must stop pointing the finger at their wives. And I stand against Ministries that offer vinegar to the thirsty and switches for loving discipline and cuddles. I don’t think I stand alone…..

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Psalm 82:3

Job's comforters not required

OK. So I am obese. After 3 heart stents, an underactive thyroid that took years to diagnose, fibromyalgia, Scheurrmanns Disease, spinal stenosis, hole in the heart and a torn meniscus in the left knee plus years of Prednisolone due to polymyalgia rheumatica, I don't move around much.

Every single one of the 30 pills I must take daily add to my chronic fatigue and lack of alertness. I eat healthy food and keep to 1200 cals a day. Due to meds, I must eat with them and I cannot fast- but I have tried. To make a simple equation in physics help me lose weight, I would be able to consume a plate of lettuce once a day. Which is unreasonable and unsustainable.

I am very close to God and am under absolutely no conviction that I am either a glutton or a consistent sinner. I am however, absolutely constantly reassured of a God Who loves me as a Father loves His child and I confess I cling to Him in my daily living with chronic illness and consequent obesity.

To have prideful and uncompassionate people act like Jobs' Comforters is no help at all and very unChristlike. Where is grace? Why the judgements? Thank God we have one Judge and Advocate: I thank God it's Jesus.

I have heard many such things: miserable comforters are ye all. Job 16:2

Created To Be His Helpmeet..a dangerous book.

I am a conservative, non-feminist and submissive wife. Even though there were some good things regarding bringing women back to godly principles in marriage, I found this book very disturbing. I had been a severely abused wife for 25 years. So from the angle of an abused wife, I would like to comment and speak up for those women too afraid or unable to speak for themselves.

Chapter 2: The ugly hillbilly woman- the first and main reason she is accounted as ‘Ugly’ by Debi Pearl, is that she is overweight! As an overweight woman, that stung! I may be overweight, but my husband and family and friends have never even intimated that I am ugly! The fact that a smile can change this “worse than regular ugly!” woman is hogwash. It takes more than a smile to change a character- though a smile does indeed help. To say that the woman became unrecognizable when she was caught scowling because she was upset at her obese daughter taking candy is a bit far-fetched (unless her husband is short-sighted or dim-witted) However, I do agree that we must cultivate a happy disposition and smile. Our husbands and family need to see that.

When I first read the letter to the desperate wife whose husband was having an emotional affair with his secretary my first response was that Mrs Pearl’s advice was wrong. Then I reconsidered and thought that there was truth in the advice that if the wife stood up for her rights (and indeed she was in the right)- and fought to win her man back, then that would be the better way to approach it than to end the marriage. I have seen marriages almost ruined by affairs become stronger than ever where the wife has stood her ground. But if the marriage fails, why does Mrs Pearl attest that “if you get another husband, he will be like your old one- cast off by some other woman”? Who is she to say that with such conviction? It is not necessarily true or a given fact!

But it is so true that you cannot force or demand your husband to love you and that he cannot be pressured to love you because you are husband and wife. But why does love come into the equation in a Christian marriage? Where are commitment, understanding, compassion, forgiveness and other Christ-like attributes like forbearance, integrity and obligation to keep the marriage vows simply because God says we must?

If one person does not want to be in a marriage, it is a sad fact of life that sometimes no matter how much the spouse who wishes to remain in the marriage tries to please the errant spouse, then the one wanting out will often leave or make it impossible to stay in the marriage by becoming violent or aggressive. Then, because of hardness of heart of the errant spouse, the prayers and efforts of the faithful spouse come to naught. Why? Because we are carnal creatures at times- both men and women. God sometimes cannot soften a heart that is turned from Him because He will not violate our free will. However,I believe if you loved your husband enough, you would fight for him. Or stay in the marriage until it was impossible to remain safely in it.

We do see a bit of the “boys will be boys” mentality in this chapter, and I have to wonder if this is biased towards men being helpless creatures bewitched under the guiles of wicked women- Jezebels all. I know that men are called to account to God for their sins and being a man who can’t control his thought life and actions is not being a godly man. It does seem that the wife is to bear the burden of blame for her husband’s sin and then take it on the chin! And smile, smile, smile through her tears!

Another sore point with me is where she says,” being pitiful, hurt, discouraged and even sickly is one side of a “bad marriage” coin. Men in general (your husband in particular), are repulsed by women who project this image. A man’s spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react in anger.”

As a woman who suffers from an illness that causes chronic pain and fatigue, I am so overjoyed to report that my husband doesn’t treat me as a faulty appliance which causes him great anger, but he cherishes me and tries to alleviate my suffering on bad days by sharing in my tasks and closing an eye to that which can’t be done on any particular day. After all, we promised to love each other in sickness and in health. Isn’t that type of commitment what God wants in marriage? So this chapter got me thanking God for the blessing of a husband who puts me first when I need it. (see Sick Wives Are Despised By Their Husbands: Debi Pearl)

Chapter 4: Thanksgiving produces joy. Whilst I can see Mrs Pearl’s point about not getting upset about the trash not being taken out, I think she is a little (much?) on the immature side when she finds screaming like that funny. IMO she is mighty fortunate to have a man who can see the funny side- especially when he has not been in the habit of taking trash out for her. And then to see her struggling week after week with the trash and not help her seems really inconsiderate to me.

Also I am uncomfortable that a woman who is teaching other women to be godly wives forgets that we are to be discreet- especially when our intimate lives are involved. It is not very discreet to almost hope that the business manager comes in and then to have a scream ready to embarrass the poor man! Yes, we are to be our husband’s playmate! I agree 100% but then I agree with the Word which clearly says: ” as a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” Proverbs 11:22

To not care about the feelings of the business manager but in fact to entertain thoughts of him finding Mr and Mrs Pearl frolicking or worse yet, in fragrante delicto, is absolutely contrary to Scripture. We are not to be the cause of another person to stumble- apart from being very embarrassing to the staff, I am sure most of them would think Mr and Mrs Pearl extremely indiscreet and insensitive- lovemaking should be enjoyable, fun and PRIVATE!

Chapter 5: the gift of wisdom: In the beginning of this chapter, IMO Mrs Pearl is putting a great deal of pressure on the wife to be the prime force behind a successful marriage. If the marriage is not a heavenly one, it would seem in her opinion, that the wife is not submitting or being thankful and joyful. Whilst I agree that basically what she says is true, there are marriages where normal boundaries are overstepped and it is impossible to be thankful or joyful- for example after a beating or some other horrendously humiliating experience. Now it is extremely difficult if not impossible, to be thankful to and for the husband who is like this.

Marriage is a two-way street. A man is to love his wife as his own body- no man hates his own body but cherishes it (Ephesians 5:28) To completely negate this by saying that a wife should love and respect her husband regardless is OK- to a point. But what of the badly abused wife? It is impossible to be a loving responsive wife in the evening after that same man has bruised you physically and emotionally during the day. At best our body can be receptive, but our heart cannot join in with loving responses. The fear overrides all else.

I feel Mrs Pearl is totally unable to empathise with a wife who is badly abused and to add the pressure of maintaining or creating a “heavenly” marriage in such a case is not only impossible but invites the poor woman to break down emotionally or even doubt or lose her faith! Mrs Pearl is preaching the truth for the majority of marriages- but not for all!

As a woman nearly beaten to the point of death in my first marriage, I take great exception to this:(the abusive harsh husband)…”But he cannot victimize you unless you react outside of the wisdom of God.” This is such hogwash! When your jaw is dislocated or your ribs broken, it is a normal reaction to feel pain. Then to fear being hurt like that again. It is hopeful that the godly woman will turn to God in her pain and not feel rejected by Him. To even continue in a marriage like this takes more faith and obedience than Mrs Pearl will ever know personally.

I did as Mrs Pearl advocates: I held my tongue and didn’t strike back in anger. I tried not to feel sorry for myself and protected HIM from the consequences of his sin by not going to the law and telling my doctor lies about how my injuries came about. I understand what Mrs Pearl is saying but I also understand that there are some men walking so much in sin that it goes WAY BEYOND TRASH BAGS NOT BEING TAKEN OUT. Preaching like Mrs Pearl’s saw me come to the point of a nervous breakdown.

When you feel like God doesn’t intervene or care or if you leave your husband, that you are going to Hell, and are therefore trapped in a cycle of abuse that makes you vomit up everything you eat because of fear, then you have nowhere to go but down into the pit of Hell itself. I am adamant that God does care, and doesn’t want any wife to be treated in this way. But I realise that on the other side of the coin, there are many wives who will justify leaving their husbands for a minor infringement like not taking the trash out! So this chapter has to be read assuming that a marriage is not in the extreme range of violence against the woman.

I wasn’t going to get personal in my critique, but maybe some women reading this will identify and be helped by what I write! Balance, dear Sisters, balance and wisdom in ALL things! So this chapter to me is one where I nod and turn the page over!

I have made notes of other things both good and bad to comment on, but I now realise that in all honesty, the more I delve into this book, the more I find it disturbs me. There are too many things that Debi Pearl writes about that are not backed up by scripture and in other situations, I feel that she and Michael offer no real answer for those married to men who are habitually abusing their wives. I am not really well enough at the moment to write about each and every chapter, so I will make a blanket critique of this book by saying in my opinion, the advice is often unrealistic and even dangerous- especially about keeping silent if you are a wife suffering from abuse.

My belief is that when a wife comes to the point of shedding blood or having bones broken by her husband then the authorities should be notified, her doctor should be consulted and treatment given and her pastor should be informed. I regret that I followed the “suffering in silence” method of dealing with my own physical abuse and almost ended up dying at my ex husband’s hands. To counsel women along the lines of silent suffering is not wise counsel and downright dangerous.

So in closing, I would say that I have changed my mind about recommending the book- I would caution all those who read it to keep in mind that husbands do indeed have no right before God or man to so damage their wife that she suffer real physical damage. Christian or not- the red line is crossed when a woman or child is hit enough to cause any damage.

We have many excellent books on Christian marriage that are equally good in bringing women back to remembering that they are helpmeets. IMO the Pearls book is not totally backed up in scripture and is therefore erroneous teaching and dangerous as well. I now would say that my findings are 90% rubbish and 10% good teaching. If you are in a marriage where you are not living in fear every waking moment, praise God! I am happy for you, however, I am speaking up for thousands of godly Christian Sisters who are not! They need your prayers and compassion badly- something that Debi and Michael Pearl seem to be lacking!

Here are some books that are by far better than CTBHH:

“The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective” by Martha Peace.

Leslie Vernick’s ‘How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong’

Gary Chapman: ‘The 5 Love Languages’ and ‘On the Marriage You Always Wanted.’

"The Power Of A Positive Wife” by Karol Ladd

‘Feminine Appeal: 7 Virtues of a Godly Wife’ and

‘Mother and/or Biblical Womanhood in the Home’…both written by Nancy Leigh Demoss.

Other greats include ‘Lord, Meet Me in the Laundry Room’ by Barbara Curtis as well as

‘The Mother at Home’.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so. Acts 17:11

Sick wives despised by their husbands

I have recently read Debi Pearl's book "Created To Be His Helpmeet" Frankly, I think the book is scripturally unsound and borders on demeaning and insulting to women. What Debi Pearl says about the sick wife is just one area where I find a lack of compassion and an almost mysogynistic outlook. Here is what she says:

"being pitiful, hurt, discouraged and even sickly is one side of a “bad marriage” coin. Men in general (your husband in particular), are repulsed by women who project this image. A man’s spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react in anger.”

As a woman who suffers from illnesses that cause chronic pain and fatigue, I am so overjoyed to report that my husband doesn’t treat me as a faulty appliance which causes him great anger, but he cherishes me and tries to alleviate my suffering on bad days by sharing in my tasks and closing an eye to that which can’t be done on any particular day. After all, we promised to love each other in sickness and in health. Isn’t that type of commitment what God wants in marriage? So this chapter got me thanking God for the blessing of a husband who puts me first when I need it.

We sacrificial home keepers have enough on our plates already: trying to cope with our illness, be a good wife and mother and run our home. We often deal with disbelieving family members when the illness is an invisible illness like fibromyagia and chronic fatigue. Most likely you too have thought, like I do, that sometimes it would be easier to have an illness or disability that is highly visible rather than endure snide remarks about laziness and so on as we battle on.

Debi and Michael Pearl lack compassion, empathy and love. In my opinion, they lack many Christlike attributes that are the hallmark of a Christian. To put such a heavy yoke onto a sick woman's shoulders is to cause her added stress and anxiety. It is not the way of Christ.

I believe that the majority of sick women fight a courageous battle and do an overwhelmingly good job of being a Helpmeet to their husband. They are usually the hardest on themselves for they want to do that which their healthier Sisters do and they often fail. They do not need the likes of some author (Christian or not), putting the boot in and blaming them for their husbands' anger and spiritual unease. Nor do they need to be made anxious about their marriage.

Over the years, I have observed marriages where the wife is ill and I have seen that the majority of husbands are not as Debi Pearl claims. They love their wife and usually do all they can to support her in her homemaking efforts. They bring their children in line and demand that they take their mothers' health into consideration.

This is the love Christ wants for us, not the "love" portrayed by Debi Pearl. We would do well to reject her ideas on the sick spouse and to thank God that we have the Holy Spirit to lead us into Truth. He is indeed our Comforter.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick. Matthew 14:14

Focus on love

What are we, as Christian parents, to think and more importantly do when Godly discipline turns deadly and a little child is senselessly killed at the hand of his parents desperately hoping only to "train up a child in the way he should go"?

Nearly four years ago, I wrote about out the death of Sean Paddock at the hand of his mother, Lynn Paddock. Paddock was eventually convicted of her son's murder.

A week ago another couple, Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz, were charged with the death of their seven year old daughter, Lydia. Her eleven year old sister, Zariah, was recently released from the hospital. The parents are scheduled to appear in court in just a few days.

These two tragic events have at least one common thread - the teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl. Those that have been reading my blog for a while know that I have written multiple posts critical of the Pearls and their child training and marriage materials.

In one very lengthy and detailed post, A Switch or A Cross, I wrote about the lack of clarity in the Pearl's teachings, including methods which I feared could lead loving well-intentioned parents, especially mothers, to extreme disciplinary actions toward their own children. I wrote,

After listening to Mr. Pearl at a seminar a few years ago, I came away with a very different interpretation than what I had when I only read the book To Train Up a Child and some newsletters. As everyone does, I took my background and applied it to the material. After the seminar, I realized my idea of training was very different than Mr. Pearls. His method of training and answers to specific questions were not exactly what I thought appropriate in many areas. I began to realize that if I could misinterpret it so could others. While my misinterpretation may not be harmful some else's very well could be. I don't know what is going on in other homes.

Now consider what Laura Mather, a friend of the Schatz family, wrote about Lydia's mother,

"Elizabeth, the mother, is possibly the warmest person I’ve ever known. One of the hardest things for me, has been squaring the soft, meek woman I know with the hard cold fact of a dead child (and another who was at that time critically injured and fighting for her life).

Her feelings capture exactly why I stopped reading and recommending the Pearl's material. As parents, most of us could never imagine the possibility that within a mother we know lies the potential to harm. But the deceptively alluring promise of complete obedience and sinless perfection does indeed lead parents astray and, in the worst cases, do the unthinkable. Especially when you have an author like Michael Pearl admonishing parents in very emphatic terms not to reject his teaching,

"If you do not see the wisdom in what I have said, and you reject these concepts, you are not fit to be a parent. I pity your children. They will never experience the freedom of soul and conscience that mine do."

And just what is this wise counsel that will make us fit to parent and will liberate our children's soul and conscience? Never show mercy, not even one time.

Consistency on your part will break that habit in just a few days. Never threaten, and never show mercy. One squeak of a scream gets a switching. (NGJ, Vol 1, pg 26)

The idea that a parent is never to show mercy is absurd and leaves only the choice of a rod as the solution to childish infractions. To Schatz that allegedly meant showing no mercy to her daughter for "mispronouncing a word during a homeschool reading lesson."

However, contrary to Pearl's self-proclaimed wisdom, God's Word says clearly that mercy has a definite place and judgment is reserved for those who never show any,

Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!" James 2:13

Laura's husband, Paul Mather, on his blog and in Salon pleads for the Christian church to speak up and speak out.

"I would love to see the people rise up and say no to the Pearls, that this will not stand. I would love to see the Pearl system become anathema, disgusting, and shunned by the world. I would love to see the Pearls out of a job. Before another child dies."

I said no to the Pearls years ago and will once again add my voice to the Mathers, TulipGirl, Timberdoodle, Karen Campbell, Virginia Knowles and a growing chorus that pleads, enough!

Homeschooling father, author, and conference speaker, Rob Shearer commented on the recent tragedy and summed it all up very nicely,

Every child is a precious gift from God and dear to His heart. Even when they stomp their feet and disobey – it is a misguided sense of pride to think that this in anyway impugns our position, dignity, or competence as parents.

Focus on love – not on creating an image of obedience and perfection. by Spunky of Spunky Homeschool

Blessings, Glenys

For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment. James 2:1

Behind closed doors

She came to our Pastors' wife. Battered and worn out from years of domestic violence and abuse, she looked like a frightened and nervous child. At 34, she had seen more violence and had been on the receiving end of more blows than most people even dreamed about.

Not knowing why exactly she had come, she sought the Pastors wife out for prayer and godly advice, not really expecting anything more than an arm around her and Gods' peace- for she needed Him so desperately!

With her stomach aching and bruised in places one never sees, she told her sad tale of spousal rape, an assault that not only caused much physical damage 5 weeks after major womens' surgery, but which left her terrified of her husband. Sleeping in the bed with him was a torment that birthed nightmares and a feeling of suffocation: an aftermath of him smothering out her screams with her pillow.

What did this hurting woman receive? Certainly not compassion: her ears rang as she was told that he had his needs! After all, 5 weeks is a long time for a man! She replied that she had just had surgery. Stitches. Repairs! She was feeling dreadfully alone and condemned. Especially when she was told that there are other things you could do for him! Oh yes, but not to a cold man who disliked kissing and other displays of affection.

Choking on her tears, the frightened wife told her that she hadn't denied him, had just asked for gentleness this one time. But what followed was the worst rape and rage that she had ever known in her then 18 years of marriage.

Unable to share this in public and afraid to cast her husband in a bad light with her family, she turned to the only place where she could perhaps find her God and feel Him in her life again. A God Who watched silently while she suffered, it seemed to her.

Instead she was thrown to the lions. Shot by her own. Condemned and made to feel ashamed and guilty for the act of a sadistic man. Betrayed and humiliated, she left the Pastors' office after being further admonished to cook better, forgive and forget and to remember that he was an unbeliever thus a 'poor sinner', unable to help himself. Oh yes, and she was to smile! And with a witness like that, he would be sure to come to Christ! It was almost verbatim the advice that Debi Pearl gives in her dangerous book, Created To Be His Helpmeet. And the book hadn't even been written!

Where is this woman today? Well, fortunately, God did meet her in her darkest hour. She cooked better, prayed harder, believed for a miracle of love to be born, stayed for another 7 years and suffered from sleep deprivation and fear. She walked on egg shells but kept believing that God would change her husband.

Finally, unable to keep any food down for fear, she decided that she couldn't bear any more. She timidly approached her husband one night, and asked him to seek marriage counselling or she would be gone in the morning. His response was the same as always: he had done nothing wrong. Marriage counselling was a waste of time he said: indeed, he wouldn't know for he opted not to attend each time a session had been arranged. She told him she would be gone in the morning and he agreed, "OK, go!"

She took only the clothes on her back and her baby photos, carried in two garbage bags for she was afraid to take anything that he would come after her for. She found a church that was compassionate and loving. She divorced him. Four years later, God blessed her with a godly new husband who loves her and who allowed her to start living at the ripe old age of 45! And her children rejoiced for her!

What would this woman say to you if you are abused? She would tell you to use sound judgement and remove yourself and your children from all harm. She would say that you should give your abusive husband time to repent before initiating divorce proceedings, and that you should give God time to work in your husbands' heart.

However, she would say that if there is no change after a few years or if there is threat of him coming after you, that you should consider a divorce. Life is precious and she now knows that we serve a God Who cares deeply about what goes on with His children, even behind closed doors.

I know she would advise you not to take to heart the advice for abused wives from Debi and Michael Pearl in Created To Be His Helpmeet, but to use common sense. She also would tell you to stand strong against the stigma you *may* receive if you divorce: your divorce is a matter between you and God and is not the unpardonable sin. He knows what may go on behind closed doors!

Finally, she would tell you to not suffer in silence and risk death as she did. If you are Christians, she would tell you that domestic violence is not a sole practice of the heathen: it *can* and *does* occur in the Church.

She would be the first to put an arm around you and pray for you, admonishing you to never throw away your confidence that is in Christ: no matter where or when trouble comes, He does see and does care. God calls us to live in peace... that is what she would lovingly tell you. I know this because, that girl was me.

Yes, God hates divorce, but He also hates the violence and treachery that leads to it!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet [is] she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14

When a woman is abused...

As most of you know, I was a badly abused wife for 25 long years... when I found this post today, I cried. It was as if the writer had seen inside my heart...

One can heal from spousal abuse if they are lucky enough to break free of it, but as well as physical scars, there are often emotional scars that never go away...

If you are an abused wife who is in danger, or your children are in danger, it is imperative that you get to safety somehow. Unfortunately, many women die at the hands of a husband or partner....

There is terrible advice being given to abused Sisters today.... and in particular via Debi Pearl.

For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for [one] covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. Malachi 2:16

Malachi 2:16 tells us that God hates divorce BUT He also hates the violence and treachery some use against their spouse, thus making the marriage an unsafe place to be.... here are those words in the post by Joyful Mother....

(Statistics tell us that approximately one in three women are abused at some point in their life. That means that if you yourself are not abused then surely you know someone who is.)

If a Christian woman is abused by her husband, whether the abuse is emotional, physical, spiritual or sexual, it isn’t because
she didn’t submit enough,
she hasn’t tried hard enough,
she didn’t love him enough,
she didn’t spend enough time in prayer for her husband
and for their marriage,
that she didn’t study the Word
or didn’t believe the Word
or didn’t try to obey the Word with everything within her.

If she gets to the point where she is thinking about separating from her husband, or even divorcing him, after many hours of prayer and many hours of Bible study and more tears than you could ever even begin to imagine, it doesn’t necessarily follow that

she never loved him,
she is a feminist,
that she wants to be separated or divorced,
that she doesn’t believe in biblical womanhood,
that she didn’t long for a traditional marriage,
that she didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife,
that she isn’t a good Christian.

If you should happen to meet a woman who has been abused, you will probably think that she is
distant,
cold,
self-involved,
shy.

Most likely this is because she is
shattered,
broken,
alone
and confused.

If you have never walked in her steps, if you’ve never heard the words designed to destroy you coming from the mouth of the one who swore before God and others that he would love you forever, if you’ve never been, literally and physically backed into a corner with absolutely no way out, then you probably have absolutely no clue how

betrayed,
devastated,
shocked,
heart-broken
and hurt an abused woman feels.

If a woman has been beaten down, physically or emotionally, and she is brave enough to seek help,
go to her,
applaud her,
pray for her and with her,
and help her,
because, most likely, she has absolutely no idea what she is going to do next.

Her fear and confusion will be even more evident, more overwhelming, more devastating to her if she has children. Remember that and love her and love her children, also.
Comfort them,
pray for them,
listen to them,
do something kind for them,
let them know that someone cares
even if their daddy doesn’t.

Emotional abuse, physical abuse, spiritual abuse and sexual abuse of wives is real and far more common than most folks realize. It happens even in what others perceive to be “Christian” families. Even if the abuse is just aimed at the wife, the children will still be injured from the fallout. Frequently, though, it isn’t just fallout that hurts them; abusers of wives often go on to become abusers of children, too.

Often abuse doesn’t stop with just words even if that is where it starts. If a man will break his wife with his words, many times, he will manifest force against her somehow, someway, sometime. It just might bleed out to the children, also.Abuse isn’t the wife’s fault. It isn’t the children’s fault. No one deserves to be hurt like this.

If you know about a case of domestic abuse, consider that perhaps God has put you here with this family and has prepared you for such a time as this. If so, you have an obligation to

pray,

to love,

to be available to her as she tries to rebuild her life

and the lives of her children,

to listen

and listen again and again,

to cry with her,

to protect,

to defend,

to get her and her children to safety if need be

and to help her start over.

When it is over, when she has taken the step to protect her and her children that she never dreamed that she would ever have to take, remember that she doesn’t need condemnation, she needs assurance that she is accepted and safe with you and in her church.

Keep in mind that…

her dreams are gone, help her to dream new ones;

her life is shattered, help her to build it again;

her children need love and guidance, see yourself as part of their healing;

she herself needs a friend, be one

and always, always pray for her and for her children.......... end of quote -by Joyful Mom... thank you!

Blessings, Glenys

If you read Debi Pearl's drivel...

I have recently read Debi Pearl's book "Created To Be His Help Meet" Frankly, I think the book is scripturally unsound and borders on demeaning and insulting to women. What Debi Pearl says about the sick wife is just one area where I find a lack of compassion and an almost mysogynistic outlook. Here is what she says:

"being pitiful, hurt, discouraged and even sickly is one side of a “bad marriage” coin. Men in general (your husband in particular), are repulsed by women who project this image. A man’s spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react in anger.”

As a woman who suffers from illnesses that cause chronic pain and fatigue, I am so overjoyed to report that my husband doesn’t treat me as a faulty appliance which causes him great anger, but he cherishes me and tries to alleviate my suffering on bad days by sharing in my tasks and closing an eye to that which can’t be done on any particular day. After all, we promised to love each other in sickness and in health. Isn’t that type of commitment what God wants in marriage? So this chapter got me thanking God for the blessing of a husband who puts me first when I need it.

We sacrificial home keepers have enough on our plates already: trying to cope with our illness, be a good wife and mother and run our home. We often deal with disbelieving family members when the illness is an invisible illness like fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. Most likely you too have thought, like I do, that sometimes it would be easier to have an illness or disability that is highly visible rather than endure snide remarks about laziness and so on as we battle on.

Debi and Michael Pearl lack compassion, empathy and love. In my opinion, they lack many Christlike attributes that are the hallmark of a Christian. To put such a heavy yoke onto a sick woman's shoulders is to cause her added stress and anxiety. It is not the way of Christ.

I believe that the majority of sick women fight a courageous battle and do an overwhelmingly good job of being a Help meet to their husband. They are usually the hardest on themselves for they want to do that which their healthier Sisters do and they often fail. They do not need the likes of some author (Christian or not), putting the boot in and blaming them for their husbands' anger and spiritual unease. Nor do they need to be made anxious about their marriage.

Over the years, I have observed marriages where the wife is ill and I have seen that the majority of husbands are not as Debi Pearl claims. They love their wife and usually do all they can to support her in her homemaking efforts. They bring their children in line and demand that they take their mothers' health into consideration.

This is the love Christ wants for us, not the "love" portrayed by Debi Pearl. We would do well to reject her ideas on the sick spouse and to thank God that we have the Holy Spirit to lead us into Truth. He is indeed our Comforter

And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick. Matthew 14:14