Morning Cuppas With Glenys : Chronic pain

Showing posts with label Chronic pain. Show all posts

You are doing well!

If you suffer from chronic pain as I do, do you sometimes feel less worthy as a woman, wife, mother and homemaker because of your illness? At times like these, fibromyalgia/CFS, lupus and heart disease can cause chronic pain, and can become very lonely diseases. And self-fulfilling ones.

It does seem unfair that not only do we have this accursed disease but that we feel obliged to defend ourselves constantly! Sometimes even to doctors! Families can often be the worst with their taunts about being a hypochondriac and demanding we get a job! Why don’t they realise just breathing is a job some days and besides which, your joints and muscles feel as stiff as a statue??

Because I walk in your shoes, may I offer you some advice and comfort? Which I know you need as you bear one of the heaviest loads imaginable: chronic pain and illness whilst trying to be a good wife, mother and home maker.

Are we not the best of loving wives and mothers, homemakers, servants of our family and the LORD? We don’t throw in the towel and give up because we can’t- we have our families and home to look after- but we draw on all our innermost reserves to give to our families what is needed when we just want to crawl back into bed and vegetate. Do we? Not as much as we want!

We show great devotion, endurance, and self-sacrifice with our limited energy and draw closer to God than perhaps most healthy women would do. Why? Because it is harder for us!

Isn't it more valuable in spiritual terms to deny oneself the rest and ease we would love to indulge in, than to achieve the "honour" of having the most spotless of homes etc with relatively little cost as regards personal denial and physical pain?

Kind of like Jesus's parable of the widow's mite- she gave all she had and the others gave of their abundance! Do you not see the correlation? We give our all, not just a little of the abundance of our strength. Surely then for us, are we not more worthy of honour and appreciation? I would say so!

And so I would encourage you to realise that you do not have to take the taunts and demands to heart, nor let it settle in your spirit. You do not have to defend yourself incessantly to anyone, because you are doing far more already than most people of lesser fortitude would do. Furthermore, God hears our sighs and pleas, He knows we are but dust and knows our frame- He most of all identifies with our weaknesses!

Will He not say "Well done Thou good and faithful servant" Matthew 25:21 to us who struggle to serve others every day when our flesh cries out for compassion and being served ourselves? In moments like these, I cling close to Christ and let His compassion and grace wash over me afresh- for without His closeness I would never get up some mornings! With the Psalmist, let us rely on God for our strength as we cry, "I love you LORD my strength!" Psalm 18:1 I pray you feel His loving help. You are doing well!

Where God wants me to be

Next month I will be 72. All things pertaining to ageing are at an all time peak. Everything that can ache, does.

Every day I need a nana nap to get through to dinner time and really there's nothing I can do to change that. I am forced to go with the flow.

I used to buy Lite N Easy food as part of my Aged Care package, but Chris and I have become sick of it. I have no choice but to cook.

As dinner times are when my spoons are usually spent, I sit down at the kitchen table and prepare whatever I can beforehand. Then it's just a matter of cooking some meat and doing some gravy.

Both ageing and fibromyalgia keep me living in pain, but I try to not complain about it too much.

I know at this season of my life that I can take that nana nap when I need to or leave the clothes to be folded another day. Likewise I can go to bed as early as I want... there are no schedules to keep.

Each day brings its challenges but even so, I am glad to be here...life is still sweet!

Even in this quiet season of my life it is very comforting to know that I am just where God wants me to be.

And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places; Isaiah 32:18

But by the grace of God go I

As you probably know, I suffer from a myriad of health issues from life threatening to annoying. Each day is a constant struggle to keep my home and look after Chris and myself and our little white cat, Xena.

Recently, I read an article about chronically ill bloggers who use the internet to feed their latent Munchausen's disease The writer who obviously is not suffering an invisible chronic illness, concludes- falsely that we are feeding a desire for attention and sympathy.

This writer had no medical expertise and spoke with the confidence and freedom of a healthy person who knows nothing of the pain every day brings to us who aren't so blessed. It made me both angry and sad.

Anyone who manages to carry on a relatively "normal" life, sacrificing their comfort to serve and love those closest to them, know that the only thing we really desire is compassion. We rarely take delight in our symptoms, in fact the majority of us try very hard to appear as a healthy person in spite of being in pain and discomfort.

Goodness knows, we suffer so much with people judging us unkindly and this simply serves to push us further into depression and loneliness. Especially when our illness is invisible, like fibromyalgia.

Many of us chronically ill people are housebound for the most part, and therefore we feel a certain amount of loneliness and disjointment from society. We simply want to be respected and allowed to simply exist without the stigma of mental disease in the form of Munchausen's.

We bloggers of chronic illness do so because we know the feeling of disenfranchisement in a social sense. We are stripped of our right to live in peace and freedom from bullying ignorant people.

Writing for those who suffer like we do helps us to reach out to people who would understand the psychological insulation and the sting of being misjudged and categorised as a malingering attention seeker.

Whilst it is true that we have the LORD to love us unconditionally, it nevertheless hurts us that people are so cruel and instrumental in adding ridiculous labels to us that demoralise us even further.

Chronic illness and pain is a horrid way to live and those who cast stones at us would do well to thank God that they aren't so afflicted. God has not chosen them to walk the lonely path of chronic illness and they also would do well to remember "but by the grace of God, go I"

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. 3 John 1:2

Either way is fine!

I want to meet Jesus face to Face. The fact that I won't be in pain anymore and will be in Heaven is important, but not my main focus. I can't wait to see how He will use me to serve Him... I know whatever He chooses, it will be perfect. just perfect. like Him!

But really I think we are all at the end of our rope living here in this cess pool... we have far out sinned Sodom and Gomorrah and it is deeply saddening/sickening to those who long for righteousness and holiness... He has to come soon. Which I hope for. I want to be raptured not fall off the vine... but really as long as I am with Him- either way is fine !

Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth. Revelation 3:10

He delights when we call on Him

I think to cry and pray to Jesus in the midst of chronic pain- physical or emotionally is soul intimacy. In fact the more one draws close to Him, the more intimate the relationship becomes.

Jesus was born 100% human and 100% God. He was a Man acquainted with sorrow and He wept. He comforts us and keeps our tears in a bottle.

Many times we are told to come to Him- in good times and in bad, He will not turn us away.

Wanting a deeply personal relationship with us, He says of Himself that He is as a father and as a shepherd. He comforts us as a mother and promises to carry us through our trials. When we come to Him, He gives us not only comfort, but peace- the kind of peace that is beyond human understanding.

Don't ever be too much in pain, too sad or too ashamed to approach God for help, encouragement or comfort. He delights in being there for us and delights when we call on Him.

"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, Who shelters him all the day long; And he shall dwell between His shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

I'm plain and tidy

Each morning when I get dressed, I wonder what the day will bring. I have learned over the course of time that those days when I have a pyjama day, something crops up and I have to don days clothes in a hurry. So I try to get dressed early in the morning.

I don't worry with makeup and just brush my hair. I have dresses that have sleeves and some that don't. So I can dress according to the weather.

Not a great fan of jewellery, I just wear my wedding ring and usually I just wear some stud earrings of a matching colour as my dress. Usually I am home, so I have some pretty bibbed aprons that I match up with the colour of the day.

Most times because of foot swelling, I go around the house barefoot, but I do have some black Skechers I wear when I go out. I don't wear socks or stockings.

These clothes work well for me- tidy, plain and modest and easy to wear and wash. No ironing.

I would love to have long hair but I lost a lot of it due to illness and now I find it easier on my arms to keep it short. So I wear it in a pixi style which is like my clothes, easy to manage.

I would say my style is plain but tidy. And when you are chronically ill and in pain, it is enough.

It's a good job today's clothing is not reliant on stays and corsets and many buttons and ruffles, because I just couldn't stand long enough to get it all right and I just don't have the patience. Also, I need to breathe freely and I know I couldn't with a corset!

I am comforted that man looks at the outside, but God looks at the heart. I really aren't that great to look at, but I look feminine and that and clean, tidy and modest would meet with His approval.

But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for [the LORD seeth] not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

Micah says it all!

Recently during one of my quiet times, I read one of my favourite verses from Micah 6:8 "He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"

Being a Christian isn't really that difficult. Once one has surrendered his or her life to Christ, the Holy Spirit guides us into that which pleases God.

Our walk with Him is continuous and should lead us to becoming better people than we were yesterday, emulating the Master, Jesus Christ.

As a sufferer of many ailments which cause chronic pain and fatigue, fibromyalgia being the worst culprit, I used to worry about not being able to serve God as well as I did in my younger Christian walk before illnessdep.

Depression would hang around my shoulders like a cloak because I felt unable to do much for Jesus, in fact unable to do much at all for even my family.

Then I had an epiphany! I realised that God can be served mostly by having a loving heart. Besides, His love for us is not dependant on what we do, but on what He has done for us!

God only requires that I love Him with my whole heart, mind and soul, that I love justice and mercy and that I walk humbly with Him. It's nothing to do with limitations brought on by illness or disability or our lack of energy or spoons to do things. Grace is wonderful and my favourite verse in Micah says it all!

"He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8

She is not afraid of the snow

Recently Chris and I have been stocking up our fridge, freezer and pantry. The world is a very sad place and nothing is sure...

We aren't living in fear- we just think with the price of diesel, strikes, problems in distribution and so on, that it would be prudent to have some back up food in the house.

So far we have enough groceries to last us about six weeks on a planned menu that doesn't use all our reserves at once, yet nourishes us. I have a few extra packs and tins of cat food for Xena.

In line with this, I have been getting prescriptions filled promptly and buying extra diabetic supplies. Again, enough to last us about six weeks. And that includes pain killers for my fibromyalgia.

Already we have had distribution problems with shipping containers banked up on wharves and no workers willing to unload them. With all our various health issues that require many tablets a day to control plus insulin injections, we are aware that having a few weeks in advance if possible is also prudent.

My antidepressants weren't available for months and if I hadn't been wise, I would have had a meltdown. Fortunately I had a couple of boxes of them in obeyance.

Whilst I don't advocate stocking up because of fear, it is not wrong to anticipate difficulties in obtaining basic supplies and acting accordingly.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet-Proverbs 31:21

Dead tired

A woman who suffers from a chronic illness or disability often finds herself at the end of "normals'" ideas of being tired. We are often looked at with contempt for being so tired that we can't perform our daily duties properly. Or that we have to go to bed early, rise late, or cancel social engagements at the last minute. We are not lazy.

Before Corona, we were regarded with suspicion when we couldn't make it to church regularly and people harshly judged our spiritual health, deeming us backslidden. Emotional and spiritual hurt exacerbates our ill state. We feel worse and they lack compassion.

Often we have to cancel doctors' appointments because we are too sick to get there. We find we can't drive and even if we could, we haven't got the strength to even get washed and dressed. It is not unheard of that some of us have crumpled in the shower, unable to get out and totally winded...

Our "tired" goes far beyond a sleepiness or drowsy feeling. We are so fatigued that breathing is too much effort and not for the first time we are grateful it's automatic.

Furthermore, our "tired" is not helped by a nanna nap or even 9 hours of sleep. We fight our illness and pain even in our dreams and wake up unrefreshed and have to face another day when we haven't recuperated from the day before. We simply have run out of spoons.

"Tired" is overused and doesn't come close to the bone sucking quagmire of desperate fatigue we chronically ill people find ourselves sinking into constantly. To have "normals" flippantly say, "Me too!" when we tell them we are tired invalidates us and makes us long for their brand of tiredness that can be restored through a good sleep.

We cannot even enjoy a shower or bath to help us sleep as the effort it takes to do this not only drains us of whatever energy we can find, but does not always bring a restorative sleep. Just muscle pain.

Such is my own pain on going to bed that I find I cannot place my arms anywhere comfortable. My fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica make it impossible to raise my arms upwards and extending them hurts my muscles and tendons. So I go to sleep with my arms folded on my chest.

I indeed look like a cadaver which has been laid out and testifies somewhat to the feeling of being dead in my tracks. Because that's the type of exhaustion we face every day: we truly feel dead tired.

Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalm 71:9

Making the most of my spoons

So for the last few days I have been enjoying a respite from fibromyalgia pain. The weather has been lovely and sunny and the warmth has permeated my being and soothed a lot of muscle pain.

I have been decluttering our home and making extra meals to freeze for later on. It has been a novelty and a joy to have spoons to do it.

Aware that it can bring on a flare if I do too much, I have been pacing myself. I do 15 minutes sessions of decluttering with a rest in between. With cooking, I do about half an hour of food prep then take a rest as well.

I am enjoying my new dishwasher too. It certainly makes keeping up with the dishes and keeping my kitchen tidier easier. And that I find, encourages me to cook.

I really don't know how long this respite will last, but I'm grateful each day that I have absence from pain and fatigue.

Until you have a respite, you don't realise how challenging your life is. So for the moment, however brief it may be, I will be making the most of my spoons.

Even so, He is Lord!

Chronic illness can make us feel that God is far away, so it is important to remember that our salvation does not rely on our feelings. For which I am truly grateful.

It is also important for us to turn to God when we feel at our worst. He is there to comfort and strengthen us in our worst pain and sadness.

Our faith can take a beating when we are in pain, but if we turn towards God, coming to Him like a tired and sick child, He will show us the depth of His love, compassion and comfort.

Don't berate yourself for feeling like He doesn't care or see... that only compounds our sadness. By turning to Him, even with tears, you will find the Compassion of a God Who understands pain because He died on a cross for you.

I don't know why God has chosen the path of suffering for me, but it is in that moment that I truly must acknowledge these thoughts and feelings and come to Him regardless. For even so, He is LORD.

God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

It's all I can do this year!

So I did a thing that stripped me of what little spoons I had. I took a shower and went to click and collect a few Christmas gifts I ordered on line.

I came home and cooked dinner and had a bad asthma attack. I couldn't breathe properly. Chris tidied up the kitchen for me and I sat down for a while until I felt better.

The Mother of all Fibro Flares has paid me a visit. I ache everywhere and feel too exhausted even to talk. It is nearly 11am here and I am ready to go to bed. I will have a nana nap.

You just have to listen to your body in times like this. Hopefully I will wake up with some spoons Christmas Day.

As we now have a large enough home for guests, we will be hosting Christmas this year. I am having a simple traditional meal and that's all...

I am too pooped to worry a great deal about Christmas this year. We have bought a few things online and that will have to do. Sometimes you just have to rest your tired twinkle!

Apart from cancelling Christmas, it's all I can do this year!.

It gets tiresome!

Over the last few days, I have had a cancer scare with someone dear to me, and my fibromyalgia has flared and with the pain comes that most embarrassing symptom of all: fibro fog.

I was talking on the phone to my sister, and was telling her something that had happened, but I never got to finish what I was saying. I got distracted mid-sentence and never finished the tale.

Unsure of her knowing of whom I was speaking, I digressed in a discussion on who he was, and when I tried to remember the point of discussion- I simply forgot.

Being that my sister also suffers from fibromyalgia, she understood-otherwise it would have been totally embarrassing. But there have been times in the past when I simply can't think of a word and flounder.

Like the time I was at the doctor's and was telling him something important. I simply forgot a word and there was a pregnant pause as I floundered to find it- embarrassment made it more difficult to find. He just looked over his glasses at me until I ventured to say that my fibro was flaring and this isn't usual for me. I am usually verbose.

Many times during a fibro flare, I can be reading something and it just doesn't sink in. I reread it and reread it before it is clear what I have just read. Or I can be paying the bills and have to check upteen times before I pay it to make sure I have the correct amount and I must check again to whom I am paying said correct amount.

This coupled with the physical pain and fatigue make for a very challenging life during a fibro flare. It has the propensity to sap you of your self confidence. It can make you doubt your sanity. It can scare you to death as you worry about your competence to even run your own life at times.

I would not wish this on anyone: the pain. the fatigue. the confusion. the sapping of confidence. the insomnia. the judgments.

Many times I cannot attend church or read my Bible and I sense that there are some who think I am backsliding. Far from it. I am simply too exhausted.

All these things are a Fibromite's lot and no one seems to understand if we give in to a rare moment of snappiness or pique. It's just that the whole fibro thing with pain 24/7 gets one over it very quicky and it gets very tiresome!

Today's to do list:

~~Washing~~
~~Clean my kitchen~~
~~Cook chicken risotto for dinner~~

It still is what it is!

You may remember me telling you that I bought a bath chair lift so that I can have a bath. I was so overjoyed when it came.

Unfortunately it didn't work out for me and I only used it twice before I sold it. It came down to awkward plumbing and knees that don't work anymore.

To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, not only disappointment that I couldn't bathe but also for the fact that it cost me $870AUD.

It was still immaculate and under warranty so I decided to sell it. I did after a couple of weeks, but I sold it for only $400AUD with ebay fees of $53.90 so I didn't make much back on it.

On the bright side though, I did find that the shower in the main bathroom has an easier accessible shower stall and better water pressure than the ensuite one.

And speaking of showering, I have purposed to have it at night now due to my spoons being scarce with my latest fibromyalgia flare. It doesn't matter so much if I run out of spoons if I am on my way to bed anyway.

Victoria has been experiencing very wild weather with lots of rain and thunderstorms. The pain in my joints and muscles gets too much to bear at times and I find I am needing to take a Tramadol some days.

I haven't been spending much time on the computer for this reason as Tramadol makes me feel spaced out and I can't focus to write properly. Like everything to do with fibromyalgia, it's a tough task master and a tyrant, but it is what it is!

Worth every cent!

I have enjoyed using my Roomba robotic vacuum so much that I have bought another robotic vacuum that also mops the floors.

Our home has lots of tiles on the floor and it takes a good deal of spoons to keep them clean. These two robotic vacuums saves me on energy and pain.

There's been little energy and a lot of pain these last few weeks. My blood pressure is still high even with me resting more. It's a bit of a puzzle really as emotionally I am good-or as good as someone with constant fibromyalgia pain can be. So I am not stressed.

I am enjoying our new home and it is finally decorated and things unpacked. I have also been decluttering and have given away quite a few things that I found were only taking up space without bringing me joy.

Anyway, I highly recommend all Sacrificial Home Keepers get a robotic vacuum- preferably one that mops as well as vacuums. They are coming down in price but I assure you, they are worth every cent!

I think I could sleep on the freeway.

We visited the doctor today. I have extremely high blood pressure which the doctor feels is due to my fibromyalgia pain. It has flared since the move and I have gone grey overnight.

He is increasing my antidepressants as I am stressed to the max. He believes they may help in my fibro pain. He has not offered anything for pain as yet.

I feel totally exhausted and I need to help Dianne for the next month as she can't drive. My spoons are gone before I surface each day.

My exhaustion is such that my legs feel like they can't hold me up. Yet like helping my daughter and looking after my sick husband, there are things that just have to be done.

My grandson walked to our place from school today and found no clean cups for a drink. I told him he will have to wash one out for himself as I have been so unwell that I haven't been able to stack the dishwasher.

He selected a picnic cup instead of washing one and then asked to be driven home. I felt guilty that my kitchen is a mess but Chris has fluid build up in his lungs due to living with heart failure and hasn't been able to help.

As a fellow counter of spoons, he has to save them for driving Dianne to doctors' appointments and physio, so I do not ask that he helps with the housework.

My extra antidepressants are kicking in and I am feeling tired as we speak. I must straighten my bed first as it is very uncomfortable as it is. I need a good night's sleep.

It is true that you sleep better in a tidy bed. The way I feel right now, I think I could sleep on the freeway.

I can hardly wait!

As most of you know, I have both knees injured with torn menisci and ligaments. Showers are difficult as it's hard to stand.

I find myself grieving the loss of independence and the ability to take a bath. So it was with great joy that I found this The Aquatec orca bath lift a bath lift for getting in and out of the bath.

We went to the Mobility Aids shop and I bought one. It was $875AUD including delivery of $70. It will be delivered this Friday. I am overjoyed.

I know it is expensive, but I figure it will be worth every cent. Plus you can pay it on Afterpay. And Chris will also be able to use it so that's good for him as well.

At the end of a fibromyalgia filled day or a day of back pain, a bath can be so comforting. I can hardly wait!

Pain is a disability

Anyone who suffers from chronic pain knows that it precludes us from a lot of enjoyment of life. Pain makes the vicissitudes of life that much harder to bear.

Everything is exaggerated both physically and mentally, and the only thing I can do is accept that this is not my usual self, for pain changes people.

Pain disables us in many ways. from physical activity. from family life. from sex. from sleep. from patience. from social life. from functioning normally. from life generally.

The effects of pain cause us to withdraw from people and become reclusive. It makes us feel isolated and unable to really feel understood or validated. We learn to be distrustful of others.

Because chronic pain, in my case fibromyalgia, causes us so much mental as well as physical angst, we decide to retreat to our home often preferring it even if we had enough spoons to leave.

Seeing as pain is such a disabling affliction, it makes no sense to me that we are often regarded by doctors with suspicion when we request heavy duty pain relief such as opiates.

Most of us cannot get enough medication to adequately help us with our pain. We often then succumb to depression and live as recluses due to agoraphobia.

We who suffer from chronic pain know that it is a disability. Invisible and destructive. We live in the knowledge that pain is disabling.

We just wish doctors were as aware of the ongoing relentless disability called Pain.

We aren't just tired: we're dead tired

Our "tired" goes far beyond a sleepiness or drowsy feeling. We are so fatigued that breathing is too much effort and not for the first time we are grateful it's automatic.

Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalm 71:9

It's a pain in the neck

Lately I have been trying to keep off the computer. I have had a horrid fibromyalgia flare and I suspect along with neck and shoulder pain, I have also got TMJ and polymyalgia rheumatica back as well.

We recently sold our GMC Sierra ute and with no more vehicles needing a driveway to park on, we have turned our attention to finding another rented home. It has proven to be a nightmare.

There are not many affordable homes to rent and we find we are vying with up to 20 different people at a viewing, all hoping to get the same property. It is terribly stressful.

I think the stress has exacerbated my fibromyalgia. I have been clenching my jaw and this has seen my TMJ return. Without a blood test to check ESR creatines and so on, I can't say that my PMR has returned, but judging from the pain and inability to raise my arms, I would not be surprised.

I have done 5 loads of washing and dryed it in the dryer as it's too painful to hang it outside. I have run the dishwasher and been to the chemist to pick up my Januvia for my diabetes. Just that small bit of work has exhausted me. My spoons have left the building.

Lately I have been thinking it isn't worth moving, but the possums in the roof wake me up with their thumpings and scratchings and the cold weather has meant that central heating is calling my name and beckoning me to a newer more modern abode.

Just typing to you has stirred up all my sore muscles, and it's traveled down my arm. So I will be taking some paracetamol Osteo soon and maybe I'll be having a nana nap.

Fibromyalgia, PMR or plain arthritis makes for a bad day by any name. Whatever ails me, it boils down to the fact that today, it's a pain in the neck.