Morning Cuppas With Glenys : Chronic pain

Showing posts with label Chronic pain. Show all posts

Not just a bump on a log

When I was a young mother of four children under five, I was struck down with glandular fever that lasted for a full six months.

As you can imagine, with an illness lasting that long, I was often alone to manage as my then husband had to work and my mother lived far away. It was a long and difficult time that made me feel like I was just a bump on a log.

This wasn't true in fact because out of necessity, I found ways to run my household and look after my children unassisted and mostly from my bed. But not being able to get up for more than thirty minutes at a time without collapsing from fatigue made me feel useless.

In the morning no matter how exhausted I felt, I rose and got my oldest child off to school with my neighbour picking him up and dropping him off. I bathed my youngest babies and dressed and fed them then put a load of washing on. I took something out of the freezer for dinner. Then I staggered back to bed, a perspiring mess!

My four year old daughter lifted her siblings up onto the bed where I read stories to them, often falling to sleep with the book over my face and finding the children in the lounge room watching cartoons.

Sometime later, I arose again to change nappies and give them a snack or a bottle. I would put that finished load of washing into the dryer and set it going to dry. I would organise some play activities and would lie on the couch watching my little ones building a house with lego blocks. Then I would fall asleep again, drenched in sweat.

I was told to rest in order to kick the glandular fever, but as any chronically ill mother will tell you, that usually means that she does her home duties in her dressing gown or house coat. Her version of rest.

My husband would cook tea, following my instructions on what to cook and sometimes even how to cook it. If I felt well enough, I would bath our school age child to save his father the chore and then I would take a quick shower. It left me even more exhausted, but with glandular fever, one is bathed in sweat all the time and it is necessary to shower daily even when tired.

Finally the fever left me, but over the years I was troubled with Sheurmann's disease, a disease which ate the discs in my back and would have caused severe scoliosis, if not for enforced bed rest after a two week ordeal in hospital in traction, many times over the years.

I learned to plan my grocery shop, organise payment of my bills, delegate household chores, help with homework, listen to school readers, and be there for my growing children all from my bed. It was easy to think of myself as useless like a bump on a log, but in actual fact, I was anything but.

Chronic illness can take away many things from us, but don't let it take away your confidence in being mistress of your home. You will find that running your household from your bed is in fact possible, and proves that we are no bumps on logs.

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. 3 John 1:2

Because God doesn't want you there.

Lately I have been battling chronic health issues. My fatigue has hung around me like a wet blanket.

My pain levels are so high that I cannot function properly and this makes it difficult to think clearly, hence I have not posted any new blog entries for quite some time.

I've now entered yet another phase of my life- injecting insulin twice daily to control my Diabetes type 2. As with any new treatments, I feel a bit apprehensive.

In truth, I have been thinking that I will not have many more days of productivity and this makes me afraid.

Walking the path of illness is often lonely and I vascillate between coping with it and struggling.

I have memorised Deuteronomy 31:6 as it speaks to me as a promise from the LORD Himself, and I lean on it daily.

It is comforting to know and more importantly, to remember that God is with us in all our troubles, not just health issues. He will never leave us nor give up on us.

When I am afraid, I bring this verse to mind and try not be discouraged.

He is for us. With us. Behind us. In front of us. Always.

His Word is true, and that has stopped me from entering the darkness of The Pit of Despair, because God doesn't want you there.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake. -Deuteronomy 31:6

We must overcome illness

Sometimes it is easy to give into the depression that pain from chronic illness can bring. Especially when we have lost sleep or had an unrestful night. It is so easy to allow the pain that sometimes overwhelms us in the morning to colour our whole day. We must try to overcome that because if we don't, we will make matters worse.

It is true that our thinking patterns dictate how our day to day living is going to be. We can literally talk ourselves into having a worse day than what it is. How? you say... by not clinging to the LORD and taking all of our thoughts into the captivity of Christ. In order to stop the continual downward spiral of depression that pain brings, it is imperative that we try to redirect our thoughts and literally force our focus onto something other than our pain.

We should treat ourselves with the pain relief that our doctor has given us, take our other medications and do whatever else we can to relieve it. Then we must try to focus our attention onto what we can achieve that will lift us up. Because if we don't, we will talk ourselves into such a state that it will exacerbate the pain. Thoughts can and will do that- and serve up a great dish of depression that is hard to shake.

Now please don't throw tomatoes at me for being direct, because I suffer pain in movement and just in breathing every moment of every day. I speak to you on your level and with understanding. That is why I know the reality of pain and its effect on our life. I know that to live a reasonably personally satisfying life, we must overcome the pain by redirecting our focus!

When I am in so much pain that I cannot stand it, I listen to worship music, blog or write my feelings in poetry. Poetry can be a healing medium and a release. Another thing I avoid like the plague is forums for disabled or chronically ill people. Why? Because they force us to focus on others' pain.... this can be too much to bear when we have our own. Believe me, you can dwell too much on your disability and pain and weaken your enjoyment of life.

Enjoyment of life? what enjoyment is there in life? you ask. There is always something to enjoy in life, even in the worst of times. Vision, hearing, touch, love, dear ones, sunshine, birds singing, coffee brewing, soft sheets, warm showers, freshly fallen rain, restful sleep after pain. I am sure you could add to the list. If you don't shift your focus, you will definitely sink into the Pit of Despair. And you *don't* want to go there!

What I am saying is that those of us who suffer from unrelenting pain *have to* make a supreme effort to shift our focus onto something *greater* than the pain. Because pain will be our constant companion, we therefore have to *live* above the pain factor. Easier said than done, you say! Of course it is, but what alternative do we have?

We have to overcome the psychological effects of pain as much as we are able or else our life will be one of constant distress and frustration. Lift your thoughts to a higher place if you can, and lean on God. It will be hard to not make matters worse for ourselves by refusing to accept our illness, but we must be overcomers...

[When thou saidst], Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek. Psalm 27:8

Chronically ill but faithful

Chronic illness can make us feel that we are incapable of many things. That can be true of physical things which for most of us who are ill or disabled, are now incapable of doing. But all is not lost as there are still things which are eternal that we can do.

We are told to pray without ceasing and prayer is something we can manage to do. Albeit in a different way to the "normals'" prayers, our disjointed or mumbled prayers are still as powerful and effective.

Just because we are sitting in our recliners, or in our bed, or sitting on a shower chair, in our wheelchair or resting on the seat of our walker- the fervent prayers we offer will reach the Ears of Him Who we serve.

We must never let the lies of the evil one cause us to doubt ourselves and then have us not pray at all. We are never wasting our life when we pray.

God does not class prayers according to the pray-ers' surroundings. Goodness knows, we have heard of soldiers praying in the trenches under fire and imminent death. No, our prayers are of equal importance to God.

Our prayers will drive the enemy away and cause him to tremble, because he knows wherever we pray is holy ground. He doesn't care about where or even how they are prayed. He hates the fact that we still pray.

Faithfulness is something chronic illness can't take away from us. No matter how hard the enemy tries to convince us that we are wasting our lives, we know he is just using wily and cunning ways to get us to stop praying and therefore serving God.

The prayers of the chronically ill are precious to the LORD, for He knows the battles we face just to be "normal". But we are more than "normal" as we come against illness and serve Him regardless.

Chronic illness will try to wipe us out physically, emotionally and spiritually if it can: but one thing we sufferers are is not only resilient: we are faithful.

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

Empty buckets

I did an enneagram test for fun the other day. It said I was a 2 which basically is a helper who needs to be needed. It sounds like me. Or the past me.

Always trying to help and indeed, called on often in time of trouble, it has been my pleasure to respond to the call. Until recently.

Since we had so many changes in the last 12 months, I have found my spoons are lacking. I cry easily, both when I am sad and also when happy. I hunger for solitude and just watching the bird life around us. I need time to heal not only from the meniscus tear in my knees and my lymphedema, but emotionally. I am tired.

I am indeed grateful to the LORD for so much. I love to listen to the Bible on You Tube and I play hymns in the background most of the day. Prayer is often ongoing for hours and I am gradually finding peace again.

It's good that we are now retired as there are days when the fibromyalgia flares and I can't stay awake, and I now just go to bed and have a nana nap whenever it is necessary.

It has taken me 72 years to realise that it is true that

I am not responsible for fixing everything or everyone who is broken. But I can pray for them.
It is OK to say no if I honestly can't cope with a request. I don't have to feel guilty
It is OK to admit to being over something and not to be stoic and push myself mercilessly

It is important to recognise burn out and to take steps to heal. Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. There will be time after your healing to be a helper again. Not recognising burn out will result in you having a physical or emotional meltdown. And no one is going to benefit if you have lost your joie de vivre or your milk of human kindness is dried up and you have only empty buckets to give.

And he said unto them, Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while: for there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat. Mark 6:31

Footnote: since writing this post, I have learned that enneagrams originated from new age practices and automatic writing. I will not be doing any quizzes etc regarding this again. Thank you, Janine for making me aware of this.

You are doing well!

If you suffer from chronic pain as I do, do you sometimes feel less worthy as a woman, wife, mother and homemaker because of your illness? At times like these, fibromyalgia/CFS, lupus and heart disease can cause chronic pain, and can become very lonely diseases. And self-fulfilling ones.

It does seem unfair that not only do we have this accursed disease but that we feel obliged to defend ourselves constantly! Sometimes even to doctors! Families can often be the worst with their taunts about being a hypochondriac and demanding we get a job! Why don’t they realise just breathing is a job some days and besides which, your joints and muscles feel as stiff as a statue??

Because I walk in your shoes, may I offer you some advice and comfort? Which I know you need as you bear one of the heaviest loads imaginable: chronic pain and illness whilst trying to be a good wife, mother and home maker.

Are we not the best of loving wives and mothers, homemakers, servants of our family and the LORD? We don’t throw in the towel and give up because we can’t- we have our families and home to look after- but we draw on all our innermost reserves to give to our families what is needed when we just want to crawl back into bed and vegetate. Do we? Not as much as we want!

We show great devotion, endurance, and self-sacrifice with our limited energy and draw closer to God than perhaps most healthy women would do. Why? Because it is harder for us!

Isn't it more valuable in spiritual terms to deny oneself the rest and ease we would love to indulge in, than to achieve the "honour" of having the most spotless of homes etc with relatively little cost as regards personal denial and physical pain?

Kind of like Jesus's parable of the widow's mite- she gave all she had and the others gave of their abundance! Do you not see the correlation? We give our all, not just a little of the abundance of our strength. Surely then for us, are we not more worthy of honour and appreciation? I would say so!

And so I would encourage you to realise that you do not have to take the taunts and demands to heart, nor let it settle in your spirit. You do not have to defend yourself incessantly to anyone, because you are doing far more already than most people of lesser fortitude would do. Furthermore, God hears our sighs and pleas, He knows we are but dust and knows our frame- He most of all identifies with our weaknesses!

Will He not say "Well done Thou good and faithful servant" Matthew 25:21 to us who struggle to serve others every day when our flesh cries out for compassion and being served ourselves? In moments like these, I cling close to Christ and let His compassion and grace wash over me afresh- for without His closeness I would never get up some mornings! With the Psalmist, let us rely on God for our strength as we cry, "I love you LORD my strength!" Psalm 18:1 I pray you feel His loving help. You are doing well!

Where God wants me to be

Next month I will be 72. All things pertaining to ageing are at an all time peak. Everything that can ache, does.

Every day I need a nana nap to get through to dinner time and really there's nothing I can do to change that. I am forced to go with the flow.

I used to buy Lite N Easy food as part of my Aged Care package, but Chris and I have become sick of it. I have no choice but to cook.

As dinner times are when my spoons are usually spent, I sit down at the kitchen table and prepare whatever I can beforehand. Then it's just a matter of cooking some meat and doing some gravy.

Both ageing and fibromyalgia keep me living in pain, but I try to not complain about it too much.

I know at this season of my life that I can take that nana nap when I need to or leave the clothes to be folded another day. Likewise I can go to bed as early as I want... there are no schedules to keep.

Each day brings its challenges but even so, I am glad to be here...life is still sweet!

Even in this quiet season of my life it is very comforting to know that I am just where God wants me to be.

And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places; Isaiah 32:18

But by the grace of God go I

As you probably know, I suffer from a myriad of health issues from life threatening to annoying. Each day is a constant struggle to keep my home and look after Chris and myself and our little white cat, Xena.

Recently, I read an article about chronically ill bloggers who use the internet to feed their latent Munchausen's disease The writer who obviously is not suffering an invisible chronic illness, concludes- falsely that we are feeding a desire for attention and sympathy.

This writer had no medical expertise and spoke with the confidence and freedom of a healthy person who knows nothing of the pain every day brings to us who aren't so blessed. It made me both angry and sad.

Anyone who manages to carry on a relatively "normal" life, sacrificing their comfort to serve and love those closest to them, know that the only thing we really desire is compassion. We rarely take delight in our symptoms, in fact the majority of us try very hard to appear as a healthy person in spite of being in pain and discomfort.

Goodness knows, we suffer so much with people judging us unkindly and this simply serves to push us further into depression and loneliness. Especially when our illness is invisible, like fibromyalgia.

Many of us chronically ill people are housebound for the most part, and therefore we feel a certain amount of loneliness and disjointment from society. We simply want to be respected and allowed to simply exist without the stigma of mental disease in the form of Munchausen's.

We bloggers of chronic illness do so because we know the feeling of disenfranchisement in a social sense. We are stripped of our right to live in peace and freedom from bullying ignorant people.

Writing for those who suffer like we do helps us to reach out to people who would understand the psychological insulation and the sting of being misjudged and categorised as a malingering attention seeker.

Whilst it is true that we have the LORD to love us unconditionally, it nevertheless hurts us that people are so cruel and instrumental in adding ridiculous labels to us that demoralise us even further.

Chronic illness and pain is a horrid way to live and those who cast stones at us would do well to thank God that they aren't so afflicted. God has not chosen them to walk the lonely path of chronic illness and they also would do well to remember "but by the grace of God, go I"

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. 3 John 1:2

Either way is fine!

I want to meet Jesus face to Face. The fact that I won't be in pain anymore and will be in Heaven is important, but not my main focus. I can't wait to see how He will use me to serve Him... I know whatever He chooses, it will be perfect. just perfect. like Him!

But really I think we are all at the end of our rope living here in this cess pool... we have far out sinned Sodom and Gomorrah and it is deeply saddening/sickening to those who long for righteousness and holiness... He has to come soon. Which I hope for. I want to be raptured not fall off the vine... but really as long as I am with Him- either way is fine !

Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth. Revelation 3:10

He delights when we call on Him

I think to cry and pray to Jesus in the midst of chronic pain- physical or emotionally is soul intimacy. In fact the more one draws close to Him, the more intimate the relationship becomes.

Jesus was born 100% human and 100% God. He was a Man acquainted with sorrow and He wept. He comforts us and keeps our tears in a bottle.

Many times we are told to come to Him- in good times and in bad, He will not turn us away.

Wanting a deeply personal relationship with us, He says of Himself that He is as a father and as a shepherd. He comforts us as a mother and promises to carry us through our trials. When we come to Him, He gives us not only comfort, but peace- the kind of peace that is beyond human understanding.

Don't ever be too much in pain, too sad or too ashamed to approach God for help, encouragement or comfort. He delights in being there for us and delights when we call on Him.

"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, Who shelters him all the day long; And he shall dwell between His shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

I'm plain and tidy

Each morning when I get dressed, I wonder what the day will bring. I have learned over the course of time that those days when I have a pyjama day, something crops up and I have to don days clothes in a hurry. So I try to get dressed early in the morning.

I don't worry with makeup and just brush my hair. I have dresses that have sleeves and some that don't. So I can dress according to the weather.

Not a great fan of jewellery, I just wear my wedding ring and usually I just wear some stud earrings of a matching colour as my dress. Usually I am home, so I have some pretty bibbed aprons that I match up with the colour of the day.

Most times because of foot swelling, I go around the house barefoot, but I do have some black Skechers I wear when I go out. I don't wear socks or stockings.

These clothes work well for me- tidy, plain and modest and easy to wear and wash. No ironing.

I would love to have long hair but I lost a lot of it due to illness and now I find it easier on my arms to keep it short. So I wear it in a pixi style which is like my clothes, easy to manage.

I would say my style is plain but tidy. And when you are chronically ill and in pain, it is enough.

It's a good job today's clothing is not reliant on stays and corsets and many buttons and ruffles, because I just couldn't stand long enough to get it all right and I just don't have the patience. Also, I need to breathe freely and I know I couldn't with a corset!

I am comforted that man looks at the outside, but God looks at the heart. I really aren't that great to look at, but I look feminine and that and clean, tidy and modest would meet with His approval.

But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for [the LORD seeth] not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

Micah says it all!

Recently during one of my quiet times, I read one of my favourite verses from Micah 6:8 "He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"

Being a Christian isn't really that difficult. Once one has surrendered his or her life to Christ, the Holy Spirit guides us into that which pleases God.

Our walk with Him is continuous and should lead us to becoming better people than we were yesterday, emulating the Master, Jesus Christ.

As a sufferer of many ailments which cause chronic pain and fatigue, fibromyalgia being the worst culprit, I used to worry about not being able to serve God as well as I did in my younger Christian walk before illnessdep.

Depression would hang around my shoulders like a cloak because I felt unable to do much for Jesus, in fact unable to do much at all for even my family.

Then I had an epiphany! I realised that God can be served mostly by having a loving heart. Besides, His love for us is not dependant on what we do, but on what He has done for us!

God only requires that I love Him with my whole heart, mind and soul, that I love justice and mercy and that I walk humbly with Him. It's nothing to do with limitations brought on by illness or disability or our lack of energy or spoons to do things. Grace is wonderful and my favourite verse in Micah says it all!

"He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8

She is not afraid of the snow

Recently Chris and I have been stocking up our fridge, freezer and pantry. The world is a very sad place and nothing is sure...

We aren't living in fear- we just think with the price of diesel, strikes, problems in distribution and so on, that it would be prudent to have some back up food in the house.

So far we have enough groceries to last us about six weeks on a planned menu that doesn't use all our reserves at once, yet nourishes us. I have a few extra packs and tins of cat food for Xena.

In line with this, I have been getting prescriptions filled promptly and buying extra diabetic supplies. Again, enough to last us about six weeks. And that includes pain killers for my fibromyalgia.

Already we have had distribution problems with shipping containers banked up on wharves and no workers willing to unload them. With all our various health issues that require many tablets a day to control plus insulin injections, we are aware that having a few weeks in advance if possible is also prudent.

My antidepressants weren't available for months and if I hadn't been wise, I would have had a meltdown. Fortunately I had a couple of boxes of them in obeyance.

Whilst I don't advocate stocking up because of fear, it is not wrong to anticipate difficulties in obtaining basic supplies and acting accordingly.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet-Proverbs 31:21

Dead tired

A woman who suffers from a chronic illness or disability often finds herself at the end of "normals'" ideas of being tired. We are often looked at with contempt for being so tired that we can't perform our daily duties properly. Or that we have to go to bed early, rise late, or cancel social engagements at the last minute. We are not lazy.

Before Corona, we were regarded with suspicion when we couldn't make it to church regularly and people harshly judged our spiritual health, deeming us backslidden. Emotional and spiritual hurt exacerbates our ill state. We feel worse and they lack compassion.

Often we have to cancel doctors' appointments because we are too sick to get there. We find we can't drive and even if we could, we haven't got the strength to even get washed and dressed. It is not unheard of that some of us have crumpled in the shower, unable to get out and totally winded...

Our "tired" goes far beyond a sleepiness or drowsy feeling. We are so fatigued that breathing is too much effort and not for the first time we are grateful it's automatic.

Furthermore, our "tired" is not helped by a nanna nap or even 9 hours of sleep. We fight our illness and pain even in our dreams and wake up unrefreshed and have to face another day when we haven't recuperated from the day before. We simply have run out of spoons.

"Tired" is overused and doesn't come close to the bone sucking quagmire of desperate fatigue we chronically ill people find ourselves sinking into constantly. To have "normals" flippantly say, "Me too!" when we tell them we are tired invalidates us and makes us long for their brand of tiredness that can be restored through a good sleep.

We cannot even enjoy a shower or bath to help us sleep as the effort it takes to do this not only drains us of whatever energy we can find, but does not always bring a restorative sleep. Just muscle pain.

Such is my own pain on going to bed that I find I cannot place my arms anywhere comfortable. My fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica make it impossible to raise my arms upwards and extending them hurts my muscles and tendons. So I go to sleep with my arms folded on my chest.

I indeed look like a cadaver which has been laid out and testifies somewhat to the feeling of being dead in my tracks. Because that's the type of exhaustion we face every day: we truly feel dead tired.

Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalm 71:9

Making the most of my spoons

So for the last few days I have been enjoying a respite from fibromyalgia pain. The weather has been lovely and sunny and the warmth has permeated my being and soothed a lot of muscle pain.

I have been decluttering our home and making extra meals to freeze for later on. It has been a novelty and a joy to have spoons to do it.

Aware that it can bring on a flare if I do too much, I have been pacing myself. I do 15 minutes sessions of decluttering with a rest in between. With cooking, I do about half an hour of food prep then take a rest as well.

I am enjoying my new dishwasher too. It certainly makes keeping up with the dishes and keeping my kitchen tidier easier. And that I find, encourages me to cook.

I really don't know how long this respite will last, but I'm grateful each day that I have absence from pain and fatigue.

Until you have a respite, you don't realise how challenging your life is. So for the moment, however brief it may be, I will be making the most of my spoons.

Even so, He is Lord!

Chronic illness can make us feel that God is far away, so it is important to remember that our salvation does not rely on our feelings. For which I am truly grateful.

It is also important for us to turn to God when we feel at our worst. He is there to comfort and strengthen us in our worst pain and sadness.

Our faith can take a beating when we are in pain, but if we turn towards God, coming to Him like a tired and sick child, He will show us the depth of His love, compassion and comfort.

Don't berate yourself for feeling like He doesn't care or see... that only compounds our sadness. By turning to Him, even with tears, you will find the Compassion of a God Who understands pain because He died on a cross for you.

I don't know why God has chosen the path of suffering for me, but it is in that moment that I truly must acknowledge these thoughts and feelings and come to Him regardless. For even so, He is LORD.

God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

It's all I can do this year!

So I did a thing that stripped me of what little spoons I had. I took a shower and went to click and collect a few Christmas gifts I ordered on line.

I came home and cooked dinner and had a bad asthma attack. I couldn't breathe properly. Chris tidied up the kitchen for me and I sat down for a while until I felt better.

The Mother of all Fibro Flares has paid me a visit. I ache everywhere and feel too exhausted even to talk. It is nearly 11am here and I am ready to go to bed. I will have a nana nap.

You just have to listen to your body in times like this. Hopefully I will wake up with some spoons Christmas Day.

As we now have a large enough home for guests, we will be hosting Christmas this year. I am having a simple traditional meal and that's all...

I am too pooped to worry a great deal about Christmas this year. We have bought a few things online and that will have to do. Sometimes you just have to rest your tired twinkle!

Apart from cancelling Christmas, it's all I can do this year!.

It gets tiresome!

Over the last few days, I have had a cancer scare with someone dear to me, and my fibromyalgia has flared and with the pain comes that most embarrassing symptom of all: fibro fog.

I was talking on the phone to my sister, and was telling her something that had happened, but I never got to finish what I was saying. I got distracted mid-sentence and never finished the tale.

Unsure of her knowing of whom I was speaking, I digressed in a discussion on who he was, and when I tried to remember the point of discussion- I simply forgot.

Being that my sister also suffers from fibromyalgia, she understood-otherwise it would have been totally embarrassing. But there have been times in the past when I simply can't think of a word and flounder.

Like the time I was at the doctor's and was telling him something important. I simply forgot a word and there was a pregnant pause as I floundered to find it- embarrassment made it more difficult to find. He just looked over his glasses at me until I ventured to say that my fibro was flaring and this isn't usual for me. I am usually verbose.

Many times during a fibro flare, I can be reading something and it just doesn't sink in. I reread it and reread it before it is clear what I have just read. Or I can be paying the bills and have to check upteen times before I pay it to make sure I have the correct amount and I must check again to whom I am paying said correct amount.

This coupled with the physical pain and fatigue make for a very challenging life during a fibro flare. It has the propensity to sap you of your self confidence. It can make you doubt your sanity. It can scare you to death as you worry about your competence to even run your own life at times.

I would not wish this on anyone: the pain. the fatigue. the confusion. the sapping of confidence. the insomnia. the judgments.

Many times I cannot attend church or read my Bible and I sense that there are some who think I am backsliding. Far from it. I am simply too exhausted.

All these things are a Fibromite's lot and no one seems to understand if we give in to a rare moment of snappiness or pique. It's just that the whole fibro thing with pain 24/7 gets one over it very quicky and it gets very tiresome!

Today's to do list:

~~Washing~~
~~Clean my kitchen~~
~~Cook chicken risotto for dinner~~

It still is what it is!

You may remember me telling you that I bought a bath chair lift so that I can have a bath. I was so overjoyed when it came.

Unfortunately it didn't work out for me and I only used it twice before I sold it. It came down to awkward plumbing and knees that don't work anymore.

To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, not only disappointment that I couldn't bathe but also for the fact that it cost me $870AUD.

It was still immaculate and under warranty so I decided to sell it. I did after a couple of weeks, but I sold it for only $400AUD with ebay fees of $53.90 so I didn't make much back on it.

On the bright side though, I did find that the shower in the main bathroom has an easier accessible shower stall and better water pressure than the ensuite one.

And speaking of showering, I have purposed to have it at night now due to my spoons being scarce with my latest fibromyalgia flare. It doesn't matter so much if I run out of spoons if I am on my way to bed anyway.

Victoria has been experiencing very wild weather with lots of rain and thunderstorms. The pain in my joints and muscles gets too much to bear at times and I find I am needing to take a Tramadol some days.

I haven't been spending much time on the computer for this reason as Tramadol makes me feel spaced out and I can't focus to write properly. Like everything to do with fibromyalgia, it's a tough task master and a tyrant, but it is what it is!

Worth every cent!

I have enjoyed using my Roomba robotic vacuum so much that I have bought another robotic vacuum that also mops the floors.

Our home has lots of tiles on the floor and it takes a good deal of spoons to keep them clean. These two robotic vacuums saves me on energy and pain.

There's been little energy and a lot of pain these last few weeks. My blood pressure is still high even with me resting more. It's a bit of a puzzle really as emotionally I am good-or as good as someone with constant fibromyalgia pain can be. So I am not stressed.

I am enjoying our new home and it is finally decorated and things unpacked. I have also been decluttering and have given away quite a few things that I found were only taking up space without bringing me joy.

Anyway, I highly recommend all Sacrificial Home Keepers get a robotic vacuum- preferably one that mops as well as vacuums. They are coming down in price but I assure you, they are worth every cent!