Behind closed doors revisited

   

Attention: trigger warning for those who are or were abused!                

She came to our Pastors' wife. Battered and worn out from years of domestic violence and abuse, she looked like a frightened and nervous child. At 34, she had seen more violence and had been on the receiving end of more blows than most people even dreamed about.

Not knowing why exactly she had come, she sought the Pastors wife out for prayer and godly advice, not really expecting anything more than an arm around her and Gods' peace- for she needed Him so desperately!

With her stomach aching and bruised in places one never sees, she told her sad tale of spousal rape, an assault that not only caused much physical damage 5 weeks after major womens' surgery, but which left her terrified of her husband. Sleeping in the bed with him was a torment that birthed nightmares and a feeling of suffocation: an aftermath of him smothering out her screams with her pillow.

What did this hurting woman receive? Certainly not compassion: her ears rang as she was told that he had his needs! After all, 5 weeks is a long time for a man! She replied that she had just had surgery. Stitches. Repairs! She was feeling dreadfully alone and condemned. Especially when she was told that there are other things you could do for him! Oh yes, but not to a cold man who disliked kissing and other displays of affection.

Choking on her tears, the frightened wife told her that she hadn't denied him, had just asked for gentleness this one time. But what followed was the worst rape and rage that she had ever known in her then 18 years of marriage.

Unable to share this in public and afraid to cast her husband in a bad light with her family, she turned to the only place where she could perhaps find her God and feel Him in her life again. A God Who watched silently while she suffered, it seemed to her.

Instead she was thrown to the lions. Shot by her own. Condemned and made to feel ashamed and guilty for the act of a sadistic man. Betrayed and humiliated, she left the Pastors' office after being further admonished to cook better, forgive and forget and to remember that he was an unbeliever thus a 'poor sinner', unable to help himself. Oh yes, and she was to smile! And with a witness like that, he would be sure to come to Christ! It was almost verbatim the advice that Debi Pearl gives in her dangerous book, Created To Be His Helpmeet. And the book hadn't even been written!

Where is this woman today? Well, fortunately, God did meet her in her darkest hour. She cooked better, prayed harder, believed for a miracle of love to be born, stayed for another 7 years and suffered from sleep deprivation and fear. She walked on egg shells but kept believing that God would change her husband.

Finally, unable to keep any food down for fear, she decided that she couldn't bear any more. She timidly approached her husband one night, and asked him to seek marriage counselling or she would be gone in the morning. His response was the same as always: he had done nothing wrong. Marriage counselling was a waste of time he said: indeed, he wouldn't know for he opted not to attend each time a session had been arranged. She told him she would be gone in the morning and he agreed, "OK, go!"

She took only the clothes on her back and her baby photos, carried in two garbage bags for she was afraid to take anything that he would come after her for. She found a church that was compassionate and loving. She divorced him. Four years later, God blessed her with a godly new husband who loves her and who allowed her to start living at the ripe old age of 45! And her children rejoiced for her!

What would this woman say to you if you are abused? She would tell you to use sound judgement and remove yourself and your children from all harm. She would say that you should give your abusive husband time to repent before initiating divorce proceedings, and that you should give God time to work in your husbands' heart.

However, she would say that if there is no change after a few years or if there is threat of him coming after you, that you should consider a divorce. Life is precious and she now knows that we serve a God Who cares deeply about what goes on with His children, even behind closed doors.

I know she would advise you not to take to heart the advice for abused wives from Debi and Michael Pearl in Created To Be His Helpmeet, but to use common sense. She also would tell you to stand strong against the stigma you *may* receive if you divorce: your divorce is a matter between you and God and is not the unpardonable sin. He knows what may go on behind closed doors!

Finally, she would tell you to not suffer in silence and risk death as she did. If you are Christians, she would tell you that domestic violence is not a sole practice of the heathen: it *can* and *does* occur in the Church.

She would be the first to put an arm around you and pray for you, admonishing you to never throw away your confidence that is in Christ: no matter where or when trouble comes, He does see and does care. God calls us to live in peace... that is what she would lovingly tell you. I know this because, that girl was me.

Yes, God hates divorce, but He hates more the violence and treachery that leads to it!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet [is] she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14  Here is a link for help if you are abused

A three-fold cord

 

In marriage, life can have its ups and downs. There will be challenging times, disagreements, disappointments and illnesses to deal with. Such are the viscitudes of life..

But before we make our marriage vows to love each other faithfully in good times and bad, in sickness and health till death do us part- we should be sure that this enduring love and responsibility is one we are ready to pursue. forever.

It is sad that some couples when faced with adversity crumble under the strain and will or cannot face it together united as a couple.

Being there for each other is a given in marriage. It is the prerequisite in a solid relationship that we regard our marriage as inviolable as a place of trust, care, faithfulness and of course love.

There may be times when we feel that we do not love our spouse or care enough and this can be a time of severe testing and temptation.

Not only temptation to leave the relationship, but to replace our spouse with someone more accommodating.

During a dry spell in a marriage, I think it is imperative that one seeks out the LORD for comfort and understanding. We know He loves us and wants the best for us.

Often our emotions can make us say or do things that we regret and it is better to pray about it rather than say something that can never be taken back.

So many Christian couples are giving up on their marriage and unless there is severe abuse, I believe it is better we try to work out our problems in our own home. I don't believe in trial separations.

As a woman who has been married twice in marriages of 25 and 26 years, I know life can break us and make us feel like we are unable to love or are unloved. But I also know that what seems like the end of loving feelings can change with time.

Ask God's help to keep keeping on, and for love to prevail, and until then, guard your marriage from outside interference and guard your spouses' back.

You really have to handle marital problems like any other- with prayer. I know when couples include the LORD in their marriage that He is our great Helper.  With Him and us and our spouse, a three-fold cord is not easily broken.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

Only God can change your man!

My childhood was not a really good one. My father was an alcoholic and Mum's brother who lived with us was also one. Anger and domestic violence were our lot, especially on weekends.

My mother particularly hated drink and was a tea-totaller herself. I wondered why she married Dad as they were not really well suited. But I think Mum made the fatal mistake of thinking that her love would be stronger than the alcohol and that she would change him after they were married.

Unfortunately, the alcohol was stronger than his love for her, and Mum became a vicious shrew to him and us children.

The more Mum tried to change Dad, the more he rebelled and I can still remember him sitting in his armchair in the lounge room. He would look thoughtfully at the glass of beer he was holding and say loudly, 'I am what I am!' and Mum would taunt him by singing "Nowhere man!" to him. We would then have to flee late at night with Dad throwing beer bottles at us as we frantically ran down the street.

I know God can miraculously deliver people from alcoholism, but unfortunately Dad only gave it up when he had open heart surgery at the tender age of 50. He died six weeks later...

I didn't pick up on the red flags in my own hasty marriage in 1969. At the tender age of 16 I got engaged, became pregnant and married two months later. It was a marriage that nearly didn't take place.

As I said, I should have seen the red flags: the cruelty to animals, the bashing of homosexuals: (before I met him, but he bragged about it), the talking over me, and the strong will that was overbearing. Well, I think I did see those flags, as after a particularly nasty argument, I decided I would break the engagement. 

I was a little hesitant to do that because my period was late.  I broke my parents' hearts when I told them the result was positive and they offered me a view options.

• They would arrange an abortion: no way would I abort a child. Besides, I was hoping that my child  perhaps would love *this* love-starved child.

• They would keep the child and raise it as their own: they would have to be kidding- I was already planning the nursery in a home where there would be peace. After all, love would conquer all once we were married...

• Or they would arrange a hasty marriage... that was the option I took.

But there was no peace, for no sooner had the confetti blown away than the abuse started and when I lost those twin girls six months later, I cried for the babies dying and for the mess I was in.

My marriage lasted 25 long years and I had plenty of time to realise that love does not conquer all. It is far better to stay single than be with the wrong person.

If you can't respect him or condone what he does prior to marriage, don't marry him! People do not usually change just because you marry them or you have a child.

Look carefully before you enter into marriage and never think you will have the power to change your husband after you become his wife. 

We are his wife first, not his mother. Wives accept their husbands as they are, they don't train him.

Don't marry him if you have any doubts and think you can change him after, because only God can change your man! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man. Psalm 18:48

Don't relinquish your role!

As you probably know, in my first 25 year marriage, I was an abused wife. But along with physical abuse, I was daily subjected to disrespect and psychological stress.

By the time I was married for about 15 years, I was broken physically and emotionally. I was in hospital frequently for a spinal disease called Sheurmann's Disease, and for surgery to remove kidney stones. Each time I came home, the disrespect was worse.

After a few years of this, I noticed that my daughter, who was a teenager at the time, was changing her attitude towards me. She became cheeky and sassy and answered me back constantly. Whenever I appealed for some backup from her father, he would defend her. I felt isolated and lonely in my own home.

As she grew older, I noticed that they both talked more than he and I did, and there was a definite bond and camaraderie. I felt like the third wheel.

In the morning I would make my beds and maintain my home, and when my daughter came home from school, she would pull them all back and redo them, stating that they weren't made properly.

Often my ex-husband would come home to unmade beds and he would start screaming at me, swearing and calling me horrid names. He didn't believe me when I told him I had made them and that she had pulled them back for me to make again. Honestly, with my ill health, once a day was enough for me to find the strength to make them.

In the end, I didn't make them, letting her do them when she got home from school. It was just wasting my precious spoons (energy) for nothing- they would be remade and I would get a tongue lashing regardless.

I think this was where the rug was pulled from under my feet. I gradually was treated like a naughty child by both my ex-husband and my eldest daughter. In fact when we were moving house and it was time to choose the colours and tiles etc, they conferred and I was just informed what it would be.

To say that I was not mistress of my own home is an understatement. I was an annoying lazy freeloader according to them. I couldn't work outside the home and they begrudged me anything at all.

When finally I could no longer keep any food down due to fear and depression, and sick of punched arms and bruises, I decided to leave. And in my confusion, I grabbed some clothes pegs with my clothes and this was duly reported to her father who demanded them to be returned.

I don't believe even today that there was any sexual connection with my daughter and her father, but there was a bond that cemented them together, but which excluded me. And I was powerless to change it and my cries for marriage counselling fell on deaf ears. It became too much.

Truly, three in a marriage is never what God intended. Nor did He intend for a man to cleave to his daughter and deny his wife due regard and respect. It is not a normal marriage.

So why do I tell you this? you ask. Because you must find the strength to fight being made an outsider in your role as a wife, mother and home maker. You simply must demand respect from your husband, even if it exhausts you. You must insist on respect from your children.

I wish I had been aware of this earlier and been firmer, but I can only say that I was beaten down so badly by him and chronic illness, that I could hardly stand. Start defending your right to be a wife and a respected mother.  Your role is ordained by God. Don't relinquish it.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

“I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them.." Isaiah 3:4

A marriage that's too hard to handle

I have found that emotional abuse in a marriage leads to physical illnesses that in turn destroy a woman's life. That therefore equates to the same thing as physical abuse. 

In searching for help in my marriage I approached a godly older woman- a pastor's wife after I was violently raped by my ex-husband just five weeks after undergoing major women's surgery... she sided with my husband.... there was no compassion for the abuse in my marriage.. 

I am so glad that I realised she was biased towards preservation of my marriage as opposed to preservation of myself. I was thrown into the lions den with no thought as to my safety. I now have PTSD... 

I would therefore advise an abused wife-either physical or emotional abuse- to leave for a time until or if the husband submits to church discipline or agrees to marriage counselling and then to approach a reconciliation only after proof of repentance.

It is simply too detrimental to a woman's health to stay in an abusive marriage without any hope of improvement. It is simply too hard to handle...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14

Repentance is good for the soul

There are many things in life that can break us. Illness, loss, grief, depression, divorce to mention just a few. But often it is sin that breaks us the most: and unlike some other things that break us, time does not make it easier. As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent. Revelation 3:19

That is why repentance is so important. We need to repent as soon as the Holy Spirit convicts us of our sin, for if we don't, we give a foothold to the evil one. He takes great delight in making us feel estranged from God and hopeless. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. 2 Corinthians 7:10

Of course, God is not distancing Himself from us- we do that when we are conscious of sinning. So it is imperative that we come to Christ and confess our sin immediately and partake afresh of His Grace. There is nothing like the fragrant aroma of Grace as a balm for our sin when there is true repentance and forgiveness...The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Psalm 51:15

But after repentance and forgiveness, we often find that there are those who still judge us and who remind us of our sin constantly. They call that which God sees as clean, unclean...Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw [it], he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman [this is] that toucheth him: for she is a sinner. Luke 7:39

But where can one go when judging fingers point out our repented sin? We go back to Jesus. We take His Word that He has forgiven us. we renounce the judgers as being used by the evil one, and we get back on our feet, and continue in the Spirit...Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ 2 Corinthians 10:5

Often the one who has sinned the most will arise forgiven and serve God in a passion and newness bought through the cleansing of the Blood of Christ, and in gratitude for His sacrifice for us...Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:12

I have noticed many times over that people who have been broken and whom God has restored, often serve Him with passion and a zeal that others don't match. The greater the sin, the greater God's Grace..."Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little." Luke 7:47

As for those who judge us, we should remind them that the Blood of Jesus has washed our sin away and that they should not ever call unclean what God has called clean...As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Psalms 34:18

Loving all creatures.

 

Over the years I have come to believe that a lot can be gleaned about a person's character by the way they treat animals.

Without fail, I have observed that people who are kind to animals are tender hearted and usually are kind and fair with their dealings with people.

Conversely, those who are cruel or unkind to animals treat people in like manner. 

Indeed, I have seen this in my own family, starting with my ex-husband who was a particularly cruel man.

He was very cruel to animals and treated me badly in our 25 year marriage. So much so, that I was forced to leave him to save myself.

His legacy was handed down to my first two children who have a dislike of animals, but are not cruel to them. They treat people around them with indifference and dislike generally as well.

My last two children not only are kind to animals, but actually dote on them. Their treatment of people generally is kind and fair.

Sadly, it has been noted by forensic scientists and so on that people who are cruel or kill animals eventually kill people.

Whenever I see people loving their pets or animals, I feel an affinity with them. After all, gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit. I can be pretty sure that they would be nice people to know and would treat me with equity and fairness. I am rarely wrong.

God created animals for man to have dominion over, but as we see in Judaic Laws, they are to be treated humanely and compassionately at all times. Even when slaughtering them for food, it has to be killed with one smooth cut which is supposedly painless. Kosher.

It is said that animals and children are good judges of character, and I think there's a lot of truth in that. A character that is appalled at cruelty will be loving and gentle and one who does not care will not. Certainly, as born-again Christians, we should treat all living things well as they firstly belong to the LORD.

Test me and see if I am right by observing this for yourself. It is a useful tool to help in judging whether you can trust a person in daily life or not..as well as their walk with the LORD. We should be loving all creatures. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Proverbs 12:10 “Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast, but the mercy of the wicked is cruel.”

A marriage made in Heaven

 

So today is our 23rd wedding anniversary. I am so pleased to tell you that in spite of it being a bumpy ride sometimes owing to family illnesses and drama, we are still very much in love- and grateful to the LORD.

We both believe God brought us together, and it is no coincidence that two weeks after we both prayed for a partner, we met.

I had been living alone for three years after divorcing my violent ex-husband and for the last few months before meeting Chris, I had gone out with a girlfriend I met at Business College. It was easier for us both to go out together, rather than a woman by herself.

Longing for a husband, I remember praying to God and asking Him to find a mate for me. I was feeling desperately alone and I wore that loneliness like a cloak of gloom over my shoulders. In this prayer, I asked God to help me enjoy my life if it was His will that I remain single.

Rising up from my knees, I felt a sense of hope and purpose, and although the prayer was just uttered, I felt happier and more content. Anyway, back to my friend. 

This friend was very hospitable and we often shared a meal at each other's home. She had car problems, and as Chris had been an Automobile Association Road Patrolman in England, and a Royal Automobile Club Victoria Road Patrolman here in Australia, she thought she would ask him to come have a look at it and stay for dinner.

She asked me if I minded if Chris came for dinner, and as I had decided to make more friends and enjoy my singleness, I said that was fine and thought nothing more about it until that evening.

So when I arrived for dinner, Chris was already there and he was seated in the kitchen. I know it is cliche, but it was love at first sight. We were engaged in 2 months and married a year later.

To this day, Chris insists it was a set up, but I can honestly say it wasn't an earthly setup, but we believe it was a heavenly appointment.

As it turned out, Chris came home from work and was feeling alone and despondent. He too wanted a wife- someone to love him, and he prayed. His prayer was almost identical to mine and we worked out it was at about the same time! 

Such was the chemistry between us that our courtship and engagement was a whirlwind romance! We knew it was the LORD'S doing. 

From day one, I have been at Chris's side, working as his jockey in his Courier business. We got to know each other very well and have literally been inseparable. 

We were married in the Melbourne Registry Office 27th June 1998, and renewed our vows with pastors three years ago after my ex-husband passed. This was to include the LORD officially in our marriage as the Registry Office wedding was very quick and clinical. 

We did not get to recite our own vows or include the LORD which was a disappointment to us. So we made it right, even though we lived out our marriage with Him included from day one. 

So today we both reflect on the rapidity of those 24 years since we met and our 23 years of marriage, and we see the LORD'S Hand in it. We have weathered many a storm, yet the good ship Hicks is still very much afloat. 

God has healed us of past hurts in our first marriages: I have learned that there are good kind men in the world and Chris has learned that there are women who love their husbands and are faithful to their vows. 

With grateful hearts, we bless and thank the LORD for His goodness and compassion to us in giving us a marriage made in Heaven.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. Isaiah 30:18

Sometimes you just have to move to another beach

So, I was just sitting having a cuppa, thinking about previous years, mulling over my life. It seems that when you are nearing 70 that you have the time and length of years to do so.

My beloved husband, Chris has just turned 71, and I was reflecting on our 23 years of marriage and I was quietly thanking the LORD for him.

As often happens, my mind reflected on the different ways this marriage has blessed me, and it suddenly dawned on me that the reason for my divorce was not that I was a bad wife to my ex-husband.

You probably already know that I had a very violent 25 year marriage and it resulted in such trauma and loss of self esteem and confidence, that I seriously thought I would remain single for life.

Then three years after I left my ex-husband, I met Chris. He is an answer to prayer, and he tells me I am to him. A year later, we married. It is so very different from the first marriage, but I am basically the same type of wife to Chris. And he loves me.

I wondered why I was so detested and disrespected by my ex-husband, especially as my behaviour was loving and respectful to him. I prayed constantly for him, went to marriage counselling at church by myself, and believed that one day he would love me and not take his anger out on me. Yet, no matter how much I tried to please him in all things, he never was happy.

Truly, I think over the years, I wore more food than he ate, and cooking for him was nerve wracking. Yet Chris finds my cooking good and never complains. So it wasn't that.

Often I would try to find out how I could please my ex-husband and he would never tell me what was wrong. He would tell me how awful a personality I had and that I had to change, and  when I asked him what specifically annoyed him for me to change and ask forgiveness for, he wouldn't give me an answer.

This not only led to anxiety/panic attacks, but seriously eroded any modicum of confidence I had after my traumatic childhood.

Such was my morbid introspection, that I ended up unable to eat and eventually unable to stop shaking. I spent a day in a psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed with extreme stress/anxiety and advised to leave my errant husband.  

After years of telling me I was crazy whenever I reacted to his abuse and punches, he had the gall to demand I come home as I wasn't crazy and didn't need hospitalisation. I was discharged into my GP's care and left my ex-husband after another 7 years of trying to win him over and have a happy marriage.

The night before I left, I told him how unhappy I was. I also asked him to go to marriage counselling with me or I would be leaving in the morning. He told me he wasn't going because he had done nothing wrong and it was all my fault that he hated me. He said I could divorce him but he wasn't going to pay for it. I did.

That morning after he went to work, I filled two garbage bags with my clothes and baby albums and Bible, and left. I was shattered and heart-broken that he wouldn't take any responsibility and when that happens, it is pretty certain that their heart is no longer in staying married.

I went to business college and later got a job, a nice home and some confidence. But the trauma and head messing left me empty, and sad that I had invested 25 long years in a marriage where I was never loved or even wanted. It left me afraid that he would be proven correct in that I would live alone forever, without even knowing what was wrong with me. It also left me with PTSD.

With a very happy marriage of 23 years this coming Sunday, my conclusions are that no matter how much you try to appease an abuser, no matter how much you turn yourself inside out for answers to improve yourself, no matter how you look, or talk, or cook, or save, or mother, or clean or love, you will never do enough to please them. And you can't ever please them because they don't want to be placated. 

Sadly, sometimes to save yourself, you just have to pick up your beach umbrella, shake off the sand, and move to another beach.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

He delivers me from my enemies.You also lift me up above those who rise against me; You have delivered me from the violent man. Psalm 18:48

I'm afraid of the dark.

Every evening as soon as the street lights come on, I start nesting. I close all the drapes, put the lamps and lights on and prepare to relax.

I want to block out the moon and stars, and I don't want to see smoke coming from chimney tops of farm houses nearby. As soon as dinner is over, I hop into my pyjamas and turn our electric blankets on. Then I snuggle up to Chris. 

There's nothing nicer to hear than the rain on my tin roof or windows and I luxuriate in the warmth of my living room or bed.  And I give thanks for a safe home, a warm home and bed and a loving husband. My joy is complete.

I hate being out and when it gets to twilight the dark of night follows closely and unnerves me somewhat. Sensing my fear, Chris turns the heat up in the car, puts a worship CD on for me and assures me we will be home soon. He knows my life story and he cares enough to try to comfort me when darkness overtakes us in the natural hours of night time.

My childhood was one of fleeing alcoholic's rages, defending my mother from my father's attacks and looking out for my siblings. Too many times to recount, we would have to flee our warm home or bed as Dad was on a drunken rage and he would chuck beer bottles at us as we fled down our hill in the night.

With a pounding heart, we would run from him and the damage broken glass could do to us, and the fear would be compounded by a longing to live a peaceful life like our friends and playmates.

Flickers of light through the curtains of our neighbour's homes would show that adults would still be watching TV and the moon glowed enough to make out the smoke from their chimney. How we longed to be normal and still tucked in our beds with Mum, Dad and our resident drunk, our uncle watching TV as we drifted off to sleep in our nearby bedrooms.

But those times gradually became less and still were ongoing when I was hastily married at 16. My nightmare had just begun.  After a horrific 25 year marriage I finally broke free and  had the peace of my own place with no alcohol in sight. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

The nightmare was ended and my new chapter began three years later when I met and married Chris. He has been an answer to prayer and my gift from the LORD for trying to honour a man who broke my bones, burnt me with cigarettes, kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant and raped me after surgery.

But the foundation of violence has left me with PostTraumaticStressDisorder which sometimes gives me panic attacks and flashbacks. No romantic moons, wishes upon a star or evening walks for me. But God created a loving man just for His damaged daughter-a man who still loves me and knows why I'm afraid of the dark. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

I am who He says I am

Born in to a troubled home of alcoholics, and subjugated by a bitter mother, I married young at 16 and pregnant.

Sure that I had finally found someone to love me, the ink hadn't yet dried on the wedding certificate before the abuse started.

After 25 years of it, and afraid that it would end in my demise, I divorced my husband, even though I felt guilty about doing so.

The aftermath of an unhappy childhood and marriage that assured me that I was of little worth, stayed with me until four years later when I met and married Chris.

Being loved gave me a fresh outlook on myself and I gradually blossomed and as I bloomed in that love, I felt closer to the LORD than ever before.

It was a new experience as I had been through years of self-condemnation. I could forgive anyone anything- (forgiving even my ex-husband's abuse), but I found it difficult to forgive myself. I just didn't feel worthy of God's love.

Finally, I had to concede that God's view of me through what Jesus's Blood accomplished is the true me! His grace is greater than my sin and I was forgiven.

If God calls me clean, who am I to disagree? Either His Word is perfect and I cling to that, or I am calling His judgment into question.

I am so grateful for Chris coming into my life and opening the door to self-love. But even more gratitude goes to my Heavenly Father Who told me that I am who He says I am...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

A marriage that's too hot to handle

I have found that emotional abuse in a marriage leads to physical illnesses that in turn destroy a woman's life. That therefore equates to the same thing as physical abuse. 

In searching for help in my marriage I approached a godly older woman- a pastor's wife after I was violently raped by my ex-husband just five weeks after undergoing major women's surgery... she sided with my husband.... there was no compassion for the abuse in my marriage.. 

I am so glad that I realised she was biased towards preservation of my marriage as opposed to preservation of myself. I was thrown into the lions den with no thought as to my safety. I now have PTSD... 

I would therefore advise an abused wife-either physical or emotional abuse- to leave for a time until or if the husband submits to church discipline or agrees to marriage counselling and then to approach a reconciliation only after proof of repentance.

It is simply too detrimental to a woman's health to stay in an abusive marriage without any hope of improvement. It is simply too hard to handle...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14

What more can I say?

Over the years, I have heard a lot of false teachings, seen a lot of strange things, and read a lot of false theology.  I have been the victim of some false teachings and false accusations, and when I questioned them, I was told that I had an unteachable spirit....  I have been swept along in hyper-faith teachings, until I realised that the problem with these is that they fail to allow God to be sovereign... they promote Self over God... sound familiar?

We are called not to judge people, however, we are wise to discern first what we will accept is from God. Be wise and do what the Bereans did- check everything you hear or read against the Word. If it doesn't line up, ditch it....and if someone doesn't agree with you after checking with the Word, don't accept what they have to say- especially if they say you disagree because you have an unteachable spirit.

If you have weighed up the teaching and found it contrary to the Word, and then someone tells you that you have an unteachable spirit, it closes the door to further conversation with them. Whatever they are teaching is not scriptural and they are not open to correction. What more can I say?

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so. Acts 17:11

Created To Be His Helpmeet..a dangerous book.

I am a conservative, non-feminist and submissive wife. Even though there were some good things regarding bringing women back to godly principles in marriage,  I found this book very disturbing.  I had been a severely abused wife for 25 years. So from the angle of an abused wife, I would like to comment and speak up for those women too afraid or unable to speak for themselves.

Chapter 2: The ugly hillbilly woman- the first and main reason she is accounted as ‘Ugly’ by Debi Pearl, is that she is overweight! As an overweight woman, that stung! I may be overweight, but my husband and family and friends have never even intimated that I am ugly! The fact that a smile can change this “worse than regular ugly!” woman is hogwash. It takes more than a smile to change a character- though a smile does indeed help. To say that the woman became unrecognizable when she was caught scowling because she was upset at her obese daughter taking candy is a bit far-fetched (unless her husband is short-sighted or dim-witted) However, I do agree that we must cultivate a happy disposition and smile. Our husbands and family need to see that.

When I first read the letter to the desperate wife whose husband was having an emotional affair with his secretary my first response was that Mrs Pearl’s advice was wrong. Then I reconsidered and thought that there was truth in the advice that if the wife stood up for her rights (and indeed she was in the right)- and fought to win her man back, then that would be the better way to approach it than to end the marriage. I have seen marriages almost ruined by affairs become stronger than ever where the wife has stood her ground. But if the marriage fails, why does Mrs Pearl attest that “if you get another husband, he will be like your old one- cast off by some other woman”? Who is she to say that with such conviction? It is not necessarily true or a given fact!

But it is so true that you cannot force or demand your husband to love you and that he cannot be pressured to love you because you are husband and wife. But why does love come into the equation in a Christian marriage? Where are commitment, understanding, compassion, forgiveness and other Christ-like attributes like forbearance, integrity and obligation to keep the marriage vows simply because God says we must?

If one person does not want to be in a marriage, it is a sad fact of life that sometimes no matter how much the spouse who wishes to remain in the marriage tries to please the errant spouse, then the one wanting out will often leave or make it impossible to stay in the marriage by becoming violent or aggressive. Then, because of hardness of heart of the errant spouse, the prayers and efforts of the faithful spouse come to naught. Why? Because we are carnal creatures at times- both men and women. God sometimes cannot soften a heart that is turned from Him because He will not violate our free will. However,I believe if you loved your husband enough, you would fight for him. Or stay in the marriage until it was impossible to remain safely in it.

We do see a bit of the “boys will be boys” mentality in this chapter, and I have to wonder if this is biased towards men being helpless creatures bewitched under the guiles of wicked women- Jezebels all. I know that men are called to account to God for their sins and being a man who can’t control his thought life and actions is not being a godly man. It does seem that the wife is to bear the burden of blame for her husband’s sin and then take it on the chin! And smile, smile, smile through her tears!

Another sore point with me is where she says,” being pitiful, hurt, discouraged and even sickly is one side of a “bad marriage” coin. Men in general (your husband in particular), are repulsed by women who project this image. A man’s spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react in anger.”

As a woman who suffers from an illness that causes chronic pain and fatigue, I am so overjoyed to report that my husband doesn’t treat me as a faulty appliance which causes him great anger, but he cherishes me and tries to alleviate my suffering on bad days by sharing in my tasks and closing an eye to that which can’t be done on any particular day. After all, we promised to love each other in sickness and in health. Isn’t that type of commitment what God wants in marriage? So this chapter got me thanking God for the blessing of a husband who puts me first when I need it. (see Sick Wives Are Despised By Their Husbands: Debi Pearl)

Chapter 4: Thanksgiving produces joy. Whilst I can see Mrs Pearl’s point about not getting upset about the trash not being taken out, I think she is a little (much?) on the immature side when she finds screaming like that funny. IMO she is mighty fortunate to have a man who can see the funny side- especially when he has not been in the habit of taking trash out for her. And then to see her struggling week after week with the trash and not help her seems really inconsiderate to me.

Also I am uncomfortable that a woman who is teaching other women to be godly wives forgets that we are to be discreet- especially when our intimate lives are involved. It is not very discreet to almost hope that the business manager comes in and then to have a scream ready to embarrass the poor man! Yes, we are to be our husband’s playmate! I agree 100% but then I agree with the Word which clearly says: ” as a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” Proverbs 11:22

To not care about the feelings of the business manager but in fact to entertain thoughts of him finding Mr and Mrs Pearl frolicking or worse yet, in fragrante delicto, is absolutely contrary to Scripture. We are not to be the cause of another person to stumble- apart from being very embarrassing to the staff, I am sure most of them would think Mr and Mrs Pearl extremely indiscreet and insensitive- lovemaking should be enjoyable, fun and PRIVATE!

Chapter 5: the gift of wisdom: In the beginning of this chapter, IMO Mrs Pearl is putting a great deal of pressure on the wife to be the prime force behind a successful marriage. If the marriage is not a heavenly one, it would seem in her opinion, that the wife is not submitting or being thankful and joyful. Whilst I agree that basically what she says is true, there are marriages where normal boundaries are overstepped and it is impossible to be thankful or joyful- for example after a beating or some other horrendously humiliating experience. Now it is extremely difficult if not impossible, to be thankful to and for the husband who is like this.

Marriage is a two-way street. A man is to love his wife as his own body- no man hates his own body but cherishes it (Ephesians 5:28) To completely negate this by saying that a wife should love and respect her husband regardless is OK- to a point. But what of the badly abused wife? It is impossible to be a loving responsive wife in the evening after that same man has bruised you physically and emotionally during the day. At best our body can be receptive, but our heart cannot join in with loving responses. The fear overrides all else.

I feel Mrs Pearl is totally unable to empathise with a wife who is badly abused and to add the pressure of maintaining or creating a “heavenly” marriage in such a case is not only impossible but invites the poor woman to break down emotionally or even doubt or lose her faith! Mrs Pearl is preaching the truth for the majority of marriages- but not for all!

As a woman nearly beaten to the point of death in my first marriage, I take great exception to this:(the abusive harsh husband)…”But he cannot victimize you unless you react outside of the wisdom of God.” This is such hogwash! When your jaw is dislocated or your ribs broken, it is a normal reaction to feel pain. Then to fear being hurt like that again. It is hopeful that the godly woman will turn to God in her pain and not feel rejected by Him. To even continue in a marriage like this takes more faith and obedience than Mrs Pearl will ever know personally.

I did as Mrs Pearl advocates: I held my tongue and didn’t strike back in anger. I tried not to feel sorry for myself and protected HIM from the consequences of his sin by not going to the law and telling my doctor lies about how my injuries came about. I understand what Mrs Pearl is saying but I also understand that there are some men walking so much in sin that it goes WAY BEYOND TRASH BAGS NOT BEING TAKEN OUT. Preaching like Mrs Pearl’s saw me come to the point of a nervous breakdown.

When you feel like God doesn’t intervene or care or if you leave your husband, that you are going to Hell, and are therefore trapped in a cycle of abuse that makes you vomit up everything you eat because of fear, then you have nowhere to go but down into the pit of Hell itself. I am adamant that God does care, and doesn’t want any wife to be treated in this way. But I realise that on the other side of the coin, there are many wives who will justify leaving their husbands for a minor infringement like not taking the trash out! So this chapter has to be read assuming that a marriage is not in the extreme range of violence against the woman.

I wasn’t going to get personal in my critique, but maybe some women reading this will identify and be helped by what I write! Balance, dear Sisters, balance and wisdom in ALL things! So this chapter to me is one where I nod and turn the page over!

I have made notes of other things both good and bad to comment on, but I now realise that in all honesty, the more I delve into this book, the more I find it disturbs me. There are too many things that Debi Pearl writes about that are not backed up by scripture and in other situations, I feel that she and Michael offer no real answer for those married to men who are habitually abusing their wives. I am not really well enough at the moment to write about each and every chapter, so I will make a blanket critique of this book by saying in my opinion,  the advice is often unrealistic and even dangerous- especially about keeping silent if you are a wife suffering from abuse.

My belief is that when a wife comes to the point of shedding blood or having bones broken by her husband then the authorities should be notified, her doctor should be consulted and treatment given and her pastor should be informed. I regret that I followed the “suffering in silence” method of dealing with my own physical abuse and almost ended up dying at my ex husband’s hands. To counsel women along the lines of silent suffering is not wise counsel and downright dangerous.

So in closing, I would say that I have changed my mind about recommending the book- I would caution all those who read it to keep in mind that husbands do indeed have no right before God or man to so damage their wife that she suffer real physical damage. Christian or not- the red line is crossed when a woman or child is hit enough to cause any damage.

We have many excellent books on Christian marriage that are equally good in bringing women back to remembering that they are helpmeets. IMO the Pearls book is not totally backed up in scripture and is therefore erroneous teaching and dangerous as well. I now would say that my findings are 90% rubbish and 10% good teaching. If you are in a marriage where you are not living in fear every waking moment, praise God! I am happy for you, however, I am speaking up for thousands of godly Christian Sisters who are not! They need your prayers and compassion badly- something that Debi and Michael Pearl seem to be lacking!

Here are some books that are by far better than CTBHH:

“The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective” by Martha Peace.

Leslie Vernick’s ‘How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong’

Gary Chapman: ‘The 5 Love Languages’ and ‘On the Marriage You Always Wanted.’

"The Power Of A Positive Wife” by Karol Ladd

‘Feminine Appeal: 7 Virtues of a Godly Wife’ and

‘Mother and/or Biblical Womanhood in the Home’…both written by Nancy Leigh Demoss.

Other greats include ‘Lord, Meet Me in the Laundry Room’ by Barbara Curtis as well as

‘The Mother at Home’.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so. Acts 17:11

God hates divorce, not you!

As a previously severely abused wife, I know the anguish that it brings, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Sadly, the Church usually enables the abuser by blaming the wife and telling her to submit more... Lack of submission is rarely the problem here, in fact often a man can be so sick of heart or head that the more his wife tries to please him, the more intolerable his behaviour... I know because I have lived it for 25 years...

If you are being severely abused.. and you most likely won't make it public... then know there are scriptural reasons you can get out of that marriage... don't stay until you are killed or nearly killed... God hates spousal abuse more than divorce. Yes. More than divorce. He hates the violence. Not you. 

"For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence," says the LORD of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." Malachi 2:16

It is important to remember that God sees all our anguish... and knows the truth. He sees that which goes on behind closed doors. I do not believe that He wants that for His daughters... If a spouse makes the covenant of marriage an unsafe place, then I believe God would have us out of it... he hates violence, He is a defender of the widow and fatherless.. He is also a forgiving God. And I believe from reading His Word and knowing the blessing of forgiveness in my life and getting some comprehension of the richness of His Grace and love towards us, that He would not have an innocent daughter of His suffering forever for the sins of her abuser. I asked Him for forgiveness for my part in the failure of my marriage, and I remarried nearly 20 years ago... I believe the LORD has blessed me and will do so for His other abused daughters... that is the God I know from His Word... Compassionate, loving, just and kind. He is our Father... saying that divorce and remarriage is the unpardonable sin limits the depth of His Grace and negates the Blood of Christ in my opinion...

Here is a good article I found...

We must follow the Spirit of Christ, not the Letter of the Law... Where sin abounds, His Grace runs deeper.  Trust in God to love you if you have to divorce. He does and we have His Word on that. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

He delivers me from my enemies. You also lift me up above those who rise against me; You have delivered me from the violent man. Psalm 18:48

Don't relinquish your role

As you probably know, in my first 25 year marriage, I was an abused wife. But along with physical abuse, I was daily subjected to disrespect and psychological stress.

By the time I was married for about 15 years, I was broken physically and emotionally. I was in hospital frequently for a spinal disease called Sheurmann's Disease, and for surgery to remove kidney stones. Each time I came home, the disrespect was worse.

After a few years of this, I noticed that my daughter, who was a teenager at the time, was changing her attitude towards me. She became cheeky and sassy and answered me back constantly. Whenever I appealed for some backup from her father, he would defend her. I felt isolated and lonely in my own home.

As she grew older, I noticed that they both talked more than he and I did, and there was a definite bond and camaraderie. I felt like the third wheel.

In the morning I would make my beds and maintain my home, and when my daughter came home from school, she would pull them all back and redo them, stating that they weren't made properly.

Often my ex-husband would come home to unmade beds and he would start screaming at me, swearing and calling me horrid names. He didn't believe me when I told him I had made them and that she had pulled them back for me to make again. Honestly, with my ill health, once a day was enough for me to find the strength to make them.

In the end, I didn't make them, letting her do them when she got home from school. It was just wasting my precious spoons (energy) for nothing- they would be remade and I would get a tongue lashing regardless.

I think this was where the rug was pulled from under my feet. I gradually was treated like a naughty child by both my ex-husband and my eldest daughter. In fact when we were moving house and it was time to choose the colours and tiles etc, they conferred and I was just informed what it would be.

To say that I was not mistress of my own home is an understatement. I was an annoying lazy freeloader according to them. I couldn't work outside the home and they begrudged me anything at all.

When finally I could no longer keep any food down due to fear and depression, and sick of punched arms and bruises, I decided to leave. And in my confusion, I grabbed some clothes pegs with my clothes and this was duly reported to her father who demanded them to be returned.

I don't believe even today that there was any sexual connection with my daughter and her father, but there was a bond that cemented them together, but which excluded me. And I was powerless to change it and my cries for marriage counselling fell on deaf ears. It became too much.

Truly, three in a marriage is never what God intended. Nor did He intend for a man to cleave to his daughter and deny his wife due regard and respect. It is not a normal marriage.

So why do I tell you this? you ask. Because you must find the strength to fight being made an outsider in your role as a wife, mother and home maker. You simply must demand respect from your husband, even if it exhausts you. You must insist on respect from your children.

I wish I had been aware of this earlier and been firmer, but I can only say that I was beaten down so badly by him and chronic illness, that I could hardly stand. Start defending your right to be a wife and a respected mother.  Your role is ordained by God. Don't relinquish it.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

“I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them.." Isaiah 3:4