While we wait for Jesus

Most of the Christian Church is waiting for the Rapture wherein Christ comes for His Bride, the Church. It will be instant and unannounced. But hardly kept secret.

The Scriptures have told us for millenia about the need to keep busy and keep our hearts prepared as we wait for Jesus. But what should we be doing as we wait?

We are urged to keep oil in our lamps which means to be alert and watching for the signs that Christ is at the door. We are to be spiritually aware and physically pure and holy.

The bible also tells us to be minding our own business and keeping looking up. So how do we do this?

We need to be living in a way that is pleasing to the LORD. We are expected to do these things even if we are chronically ill. As when we were saved, we need to be serving Him in whatever calling He has placed us in. 

If we are at home, we are to keep serving our family. With all the turmoil in the world, we need to be loving as a wife and mother and diligent as a home maker. 

We are to continue working outside the home if that is where you are called and we are to witness through our daily living that we are Christians who have hope.  The world needs to see that we are not moved by world events.  

Whilst it is true that we are to mind our own business, we are expected to pray for others, both saved and unsaved and to give a reason for the hope that is within us, if asked. With meekness and humility.

It is imperative that we keep studying the Word, praying and worshiping. We must remember that our redemption is closer than when we first believed and we must keep close to the LORD.

Without clinging to Jesus, our hope will dwindle and we must be full of hope and love in order to firstly function for our family, then the world... 

In everything we do and everywhere we go, we need to share the hope that is within us, for the lost have never been more in need of Jesus than now with His return imminent. Time is short.

Resolve to keep close to Christ and to share to others whenever possible that they need to know Jesus as their Saviour NOW. But, be glad for whatever calling you are in now, and keep on keeping on.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 

I refuse to stay in the Pit of Despair!

 

Depression is often related to one having a sense of loss to something dear to them. In my case I am grieving the loss of my adult children's affection and the feeling that to them I am already dead. I have been tossed out like an old shoe.

Second is the fact that they aren't very nice people and I suspect that one way or the other, I have failed as a mum...

So I had a time of prayer and during that I felt that as far as mothering goes, how they now act as adults is not my fault. I know now that God knows I did bring them all up in the faith and they were taught to be honest and decent people.

I have now decided that I will not stress about not seeing my new great granddaughter or even grandchildren...  it is pointless to bond with them when I wont probably see them... I will not waste my last few years waiting for a word from them or even acknowledgement that I exist... if they cared, they would call 

So now I am going to move forward and enjoy as much as possible those who do love me and want me in their life... 

The hardest lesson I think was to realise that my love for them is not reciprocated and I am not  important or valued much in their life at all. It's a bitter pill but once taken, it helps alleviate the grief of unrequited love... 

So I am going to move forward and start thinking of positive things, like Chris and those in my family who do love me...  

Another lesson was that even though I have no expectation of a relationship and have pulled back to stop hurting, it does not mean I don't love them... it just has to be from afar as they are toxic to me. At this stage of my life, I just need peace. And that doesn't mean  I am selfish...

I refuse to stay in the Pit of Despair!

 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalm 71:9

Whatsoever things

 

As I got older, I became morose and sad.  My good years were behind me.  Chronic illness overtook my and I resented it so much.  It turned inward and made me sink into a depression.  

I overcame this by deciding to accept my limitations and to love myself enough to rest, eat well and be grateful for the very fact that I was still alive.  

I didn't want to stay in the Pit of Despair, so I gave all my anger and sadness to the LORD.  I decided to look at whatsoever things were lovely, and to count my blessings.. 

This helped me recover spiritually and emotionally. I didn't realise how much my self talk and negativity had brought me down.

If you want to fly, you have to release your burdens so they don't weigh you down,  so tell the LORD about it, for it is He Who will release you and help you fly.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

We have to talk

So I am aging, overweight, have had over 50 kidney stones and 5 surgeries to remove them when they were impacted, and have given birth to 6 children.

Because of this, I used to find that a sneeze could have disastrous results, causing me embarrassment and discomfort as I wet myself. So much so, that I went to a physiotherapist who taught me how to exercise my pelvic floor using Kegel exercises.   They helped me quite a lot.

Nothing else has changed - one cannot change the past- but the only difference was my consistent Kegel exercising. This is for men as well as women, I was told. Anyway, I recommend them to everyone who has stress incontinence.

However, as much as Kegels have helped me, I have noticed that when I am in a flare of fibromyalgia, often I rediscover the joys of stress incontinence. 

It seems to me that fibromyalgia weakens my muscles in my pelvic floor and causes lack of control of the bladder. Just another problem fibro brings that many don't recognise or talk about.

I have purchased some undergarments that absorb urine yet look like normal underwear  I wear them when I am in a fibromyalgia flare, and they do a great job. (There are similar ones for men) It seems lately as I am in almost a constant state of flaring, that I am wearing them more often. 

It's just another pain for us Fibromites to endure, and I hope by sharing about this, it helps you if you have the same problem. It's nothing to be ashamed of and it's something we need to talk about.

Save Jesus Christ alone

When we once moved house, we had an introductory chat with our new neighbours. I was delighted to learn that the whole end of our street were Christians. This was an answer to prayer because I had been hungry for fellowship.

Whilst we were chatting, my new neighbour told me of the people next door. They were of a different denomination to them. She told me they considered their denomination the *only* real church and that they came across as feeling superior to them. She then went on to discuss the other denominations represented in the street who happened to speak in tongues. They too felt superior to other denominations and Christians who didn't have the gift of tongues or the Baptism of the Spirit. In fact in the next 10 months we were there, they didn't even acknowledge us in the street!

In looking for a new place of worship, we discussed her Baptist Church. I felt that I would like to check it out until she mentioned the factions within about introducing charismatic practices. Sadness flooded over me.

Denominations, factions and superiority ought not to be within the Church. Unfortunately, we all know it is... we all have done it at some time or another. No sooner does one learn that one is a Christian than the judgment starts to raise its ugly head.

Christian, Catholic, Baptist, Spirit-filled, Charismatic, speaker of tongues, christened or baptised by immersion all juggle for precedence in our estimation of a Christians' worth and suitability to befriend and have fellowship with. When in fact, all that should matter is that the person is truly born-again and sees Jesus Christ as the Son of God and Him crucified. There has to be a common bond for Christians and that bond is Jesus.

Because judgments of a persons' church and worship preferences so colour our fellowship, I prefer to see myself as a Christian rather than as a Baptist, Protestant, Charismatic or whatever. Without that willingness to accept each other firstly as Christians, we aren't going to have true fellowship! I mentioned that to my new neighbour and she agreed. So there is still the possibility of ongoing fellowship with her.

Judging Christians by their denomination or manner of worship short-circuits all possibility of developing strong bonds in the Body of Christ. If we do not accept each other purely on the basis of what Christ is and has done, we rob ourselves of the opportunity of fellowship and live outside the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:3

Let's choose to see nothing else but Jesus Christ and what He has done for all of us. Surely that would be a very firm foundation to build a friendship on whilst strengthening the Body of Christ. For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2

© Glenys Robyn Hicks 

The verse that comes to mind for this post is simple: Jesus wept. John 11:35

Today is not the day!

 

Have you ever looked forward to something so much that you inadvertently wish your life away? You find yourself wishing that it would happen today and it almost becomes an obsession.

You find your thoughts are racing with envisioning how it will be and how you will feel and impatience becomes the order of the day. 

Often we find that we can't really focus on the job at hand for the day as we daydream and plan. Our motivation can dwindle as well as our peace.

I have been like that, and now that I am a woman of a certain age, I realise that all my pining and planning and energy has actually robbed me of living in the moment.

It is at times like that that I have to bring my thoughts to bear on what needs to be done now. It takes time to train yourself, but it is the only way to actually live productively whilst you wait.

There's nothing wrong with joyful anticipation, and our life would be pretty dreary without something to look forward to, but we must not let it rob us of the joy of today.

I have learned to allow myself some time to dwell on the whatever I am looking forward to and than to bring it under control by telling myself, "yes, when this happens, it will be amazing! I can hardly wait! but today, you must focus on the here and now and live in the moment."

One thing I have found in 70 years of life is that it will come soon enough and I cannot afford to wish my life away. So I open the box of dreams, visualise it, look forward to it- and close the box.

Then I tell myself, "yes, that's so exciting and God willing, it's going to come to pass, but today is not the day!" It's nice to feel the peace and calm in my heart once again, whilst looking forward to that day- and God willing, it's going to be beautiful!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:11a

I couldn't live with myself

 

I have been grappling with writing what's on my heart lately. As a deep thinker, I ponder daily on what I feel God wants me to write about in this blog. I try to encourage and edify, but I know that sometimes what I speak of upsets some people.

As I looked at myself in the mirror today, I saw a woman whose life is spent mostly on studying the Word of God, praying and blogging in between bouts of chronic illness. It's all I can do now.

Writing's been a passion of mine for the last 30 years after three separate pastors at different services prophesied over me, saying that God has appointed me to be a spokesperson- actually the word was "mouthpiece" for Him throughout the world.

I really took this to heart and started writing Christian personalised verse and self published a book of poetry called "In Spirit And In Truth". It sold at various Christian bookstores, but somehow this didn't seem the way that I was meant to go...

With the advent of the internet, I started blogging and that and writing for various Christian magazines have become my form of service to God. As the blogs and articles circulated, I realised that that was where the "throughout the world" part of the prophecies were coming from...

Apart from obeying God by writing, I realised that I burn with the desire to see the lost being saved and that I do indeed love people. Christian or not. Coloured or not. 

As I combed my hair, I realised that I must write more of Christ and His offer of salvation than focus on our many illnesses and the Corona Virus. Times are short.

I know some who read may take offence, but please recall that I do so out of love and nothing personal to gain. I want you to be saved from the imminent wrath of God for people who prefer to live in their sin than to repent and serve God.

This world is getting darker and very soon Jesus will be taking the Church- His Bride, to be with Him. This is known as the Rapture and only believers will go. 

My prayer is that you will go with us and not be left on this earth which is going to be hell on earth. I need to say it, before it's too late. 

I don't want you to be offended, but saved. God doesn't want anyone to go to Hell, and neither do I. Times are short as I said and we have millenia of prophecies that have come true  to uphold this.

One must be saved or born-again to get to Heaven. Jesus is the only way and that choice must be made personally and voluntarily. Either we accept Jesus and go to Heaven, or we go to Hell.

I have written this post for those who as yet aren't born again, because if I didn't warn you, I couldn't live with myself.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

I'll just leave this here

 

Most nights I don't remember my dreams unless they are nightmares. But last night I dreamt that the Rapture was imminent and I was approaching strangers, asking them if they knew Jesus as their Saviour.

It wasn't scary by any means, but I felt all the angst, as I desperately tried to present the Good News of salvation to people. The urgency was intense.

I woke up hyperventilating and took a trip to the bathroom. When I returned to bed, I was sure that I wouldn't dream about it again. But I did. 

The second time was more urgent than the first time, and I was rapidly presenting the path of salvation to someone and was desperate that they be saved.

When I woke from the second dream, I prayed and asked the LORD what did all this mean and if it meant something that I needed to do, then let me know and I would do it.

It was no mistake that I got a link to a You Tube vlog of  the imminence of the Rapture and all the prophecies that are being fulfilled daily now. Time is short.

I had my answer- and so, to whoever is sitting on the fence, get saved now.  You do not want to spend eternity in hell and Jesus is the only way of salvation.

Because of the intensity and realism of the dream, I feel compelled to reach out and talk to you. You need to be saved because there isn't much time. Jesus is coming back for His church- the believers.

The world is going to be in a horrible state after this and you do not want to be left behind. God loves you- all of you who are still on the fence. I don't know you, but He does. He wants you to trust Him.

Whoever is sitting thinking about the future, know that the future is Hell if you are unsaved, but eternal life and joy in Christ for those who are saved-and you need to make a decision to trust Him and get saved now. The Age of Grace is nearly over.

Jesus knows who you are and you know where you stand in this matter. I have heeded my dream and done as I must.  I'll just leave this here.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:  John 1:25

When our world is turned upside down

When one is first diagnosed with an illness, it is quite common to be in disbelief or even denial. After all, some illnesses come as a shock and have the potential to change our life forever. This requires us to rethink how we will cope with the illness, its treatment and life in general.

Sometimes we struggle to get a grip of the ramifications that illness makes in our life, but sooner or later, we are going to have to get our head around the fact that things will change. To function, they have to.

If diagnosis of an illness has caused a depression which lingers for more than a few weeks or causes panic attacks, I suggest that a doctor is seen for antidepressants. These may be needed only short term until the illness is accepted. And it must be accepted sooner or later.

Only in coming to terms with being chronically ill, can we make plans to handle the changes that being ill will bring. We will need to plan our days as wives, mothers and homemakers. (See Lists)
We must cling to Jesus and allow Him to minimise the shock and help us regain our focus. We must also plan our treatments and care.

Scary as it is, chronic illness must be addressed as soon as we are able... our future and our family's future depend on us accepting our illness so that we can move on. Easier said than done when your world has been turned upside down.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

"So teach [us] to number our days, that we may apply [our] hearts unto wisdom" Psalm 90:12

Dead tired

A woman who suffers from a chronic illness or disability often finds herself at the end of "normals'" ideas of being tired. We are often looked at with contempt for being so tired that we can't perform our daily duties properly. Or that we have to go to bed early, rise late, or cancel social engagements at the last minute. We are not lazy. 

Before Corona, we were regarded with suspicion when we couldn't make it to church regularly and people harshly judged our spiritual health, deeming us backslidden.  Emotional and spiritual hurt exacerbates our ill state. We feel worse and they lack compassion.

Often we have to cancel doctors' appointments because we are too sick to get there. We find we can't drive and even if we could, we haven't got the strength to even get washed and dressed. It is not unheard of that some of us have crumpled in the shower, unable to get out and totally winded...

Our "tired" goes far beyond a sleepiness or drowsy feeling. We are so fatigued that breathing is too much effort and not for the first time we are grateful it's automatic.

Furthermore, our "tired" is not helped by a nanna nap or even 9 hours of sleep.  We fight our illness and pain even in our dreams and wake up unrefreshed and have to face another day when we haven't recuperated from the day before. We simply have run out of spoons.

"Tired" is overused and doesn't come close to the bone sucking quagmire of desperate fatigue we chronically ill people find ourselves sinking into constantly.  To have "normals" flippantly say, "Me too!" when we tell them we are tired invalidates us and makes us long for their brand of tiredness that can be restored through a good sleep.

We cannot even enjoy a shower or bath to help us sleep as the effort it takes to do this not only drains us of whatever energy we can find, but does not always bring a restorative sleep. Just muscle pain.

Such is my own pain on going to bed that I find I cannot place my arms anywhere comfortable. My fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica make it impossible to raise my arms upwards and extending them hurts my muscles and tendons. So I go to sleep with my arms folded on my chest.

I indeed look like a cadaver which has been laid out and testifies somewhat to the feeling of being dead in my tracks.  Because that's the type of exhaustion we face every day: we truly feel dead tired.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalm 71:9

Only God can change your man!

My childhood was not a really good one. My father was an alcoholic and Mum's brother who lived with us was also one. Anger and domestic violence were our lot, especially on weekends.

My mother particularly hated drink and was a tea-totaller herself. I wondered why she married Dad as they were not really well suited. But I think Mum made the fatal mistake of thinking that her love would be stronger than the alcohol and that she would change him after they were married.

Unfortunately, the alcohol was stronger than his love for her, and Mum became a vicious shrew to him and us children.

The more Mum tried to change Dad, the more he rebelled and I can still remember him sitting in his armchair in the lounge room. He would look thoughtfully at the glass of beer he was holding and say loudly, 'I am what I am!' and Mum would taunt him by singing "Nowhere man!" to him. We would then have to flee late at night with Dad throwing beer bottles at us as we frantically ran down the street.

I know God can miraculously deliver people from alcoholism, but unfortunately Dad only gave it up when he had open heart surgery at the tender age of 50. He died six weeks later...

I didn't pick up on the red flags in my own hasty marriage in 1969. At the tender age of 16 I got engaged, became pregnant and married two months later. It was a marriage that nearly didn't take place.

As I said, I should have seen the red flags: the cruelty to animals, the bashing of homosexuals: (before I met him, but he bragged about it), the talking over me, and the strong will that was overbearing. Well, I think I did see those flags, as after a particularly nasty argument, I decided I would break the engagement. 

I was a little hesitant to do that because my period was late.  I broke my parents' hearts when I told them the result was positive and they offered me a view options.

• They would arrange an abortion: no way would I abort a child. Besides, I was hoping that my child  perhaps would love *this* love-starved child.

• They would keep the child and raise it as their own: they would have to be kidding- I was already planning the nursery in a home where there would be peace. After all, love would conquer all once we were married...

• Or they would arrange a hasty marriage... that was the option I took.

But there was no peace, for no sooner had the confetti blown away than the abuse started and when I lost those twin girls six months later, I cried for the babies dying and for the mess I was in.

My marriage lasted 25 long years and I had plenty of time to realise that love does not conquer all. It is far better to stay single than be with the wrong person.

If you can't respect him or condone what he does prior to marriage, don't marry him! People do not usually change just because you marry them or you have a child.

Look carefully before you enter into marriage and never think you will have the power to change your husband after you become his wife. 

We are his wife first, not his mother. Wives accept their husbands as they are, they don't train him.

Don't marry him if you have any doubts and think you can change him after, because only God can change your man! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man. Psalm 18:48

The Queen of List Making

So I did it again! Instead of cleaning up after dinner, I went to bed with dishes in the sink. I hate when I do that!

I mean, with fibromyalgia robbing me of a good restful sleep, the mornings are hard enough to face. Having a dirty kitchen to wake up to is the pits!

Most would think that it's just laziness, but by the time I have cooked dinner my spoons are almost gone. Yes gone! I am so done in by the end of the day that even lifting my arms up to put my nightie over them creates pain.

Oh, yes, I make lists and read motivational blogs and You tubes, but to no avail. I am the Queen of List Making. Yet my limited spoons dictate that I do very little and I am left with ashes in my mouth.

I know I said before that I have been keeping busy and that's true, but I now have a rebound fibro flare and coupled with our autumn cold snap with rain, I am in a lot of pain.

You would think that I would have worked out this fibromyalgia lurk after twenty years. And for the most part although I hate it, I have learned to exist with fibro without feeling false guilt that leads to depression.

Most days I accept my disability, but deep inside is a perfectionist screaming to get out! On days like this, I try to nest and I overextend my limits. Hello, Fibro Flare!

I am grateful to my husband Chris. He is an mild mannered man who is happy with how I do manage to keep our nest. He, and most people who come to visit- well in better days obviously- are happy with the state of our home.

It must be that I am my own worst enemy: trying to do the work of a much younger healthier woman: everything in its place and a place for everything. But always straining, never achieving thanks to Fibromyalgia.  I need to accept what is and hang up my crown as the Queen of List Making.

 

Clean enough to be healthy

I have had a perfectionist streak all my life, but in the last twenty or so years of ill health, I have had to learn to be content with a more relaxed approach to my home making.

Where once I would be consumed with (false) guilt because I made our bed without four corner tucks or I had the blankets bumpy on the bed, I have had to make do with a more lenient approach. I simply don't have the energy to do four corner tucks. However, even the bed made up quickly and sporting a lump here or there, is extremely satisfying to me now that I've gotten past the perfectionism.

Mornings are no longer the time for house keeping. I have to fit in what I can over however long it takes me... and be content at the end of the day that I actually got it done...

I no longer allow cleaning schedules to dictate to me what I must achieve in any given day or time frame: it gets done more or less within the schedule but on a time of my choosing. It's the only way a Sacrificial Home Keeper can manage..

In saying that I am no longer a perfectionist, I still like to live in a clean home. For me, there are basic things that are not negotiable. I cannot live my life happily unless these things are clean:

I must be clean.

My clothes must be clean.

My bed must be fresh and clean.

My dishes and cooking utensils must be clean.

I can't stand smelly toilets and these and my bathroom must be clean.

These days I need help to maintain this list of essentials.  I do not go into a spin if a fly has died on my window ledge or there is some dust on my furniture. I have learned to accept white cat fur as a part of being a mother to a white cat. The floors can be in need of a vacuum, but I now have Roombas to do them.  It has been years since I ironed something that only I will see... and I learned years ago that one can sleep on unironed pillowcases... it can be done!

I find cooking, shopping, menu and social planning, washing and folding of clothes, managing finances and being a loving wife to my husband is enough for me to cope with. I know from experience over the years that by not pacing myself, I will crash and burn and my recovery time will need more than an occasional nana nap...

Accepting our limitations is an important part of staying calm in a world that has become anything but. And for most of us Sacrificial Home Keepers, our world is our home. 

One final thought that helped me was remembering what our family doctor once said to me when my children were young: "A home should be clean enough to be healthy, but untidy enough to be happy!"  I am trusting that I have at last put his advice into action.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

I will not be laughing!

Those of us who have been Christians for some time have probably been the butt of jokes of unsaved family and friends. We are often openly laughed at and made fun of. It can be depressing as well as humiliating.

Recently when I was clearing out my mother's belongings after she passed, a little plaque my mother had with "God Is Love" on it was passed down from her display cabinet. People who were helping wanted to throw it out into the give away to charity pile. Then one of them started laughing and said, "Sure, He is! huh, who wants this?" (laugh laugh)- then she said, "Oh give it to Glenys, she'll take it cos she believes in this sh*t!" Feeling a tad hot faced, I took it and put it in my handbag to take home with me. Their smirks weren't lost on me either! (No fool like an old fool, right?)

Likewise, when cleaning out the bookshelf, they saw the old but well preserved Bible and were going to pitch it out. I hurriedly sprang forward and claimed it, much to their enjoyment. It went alongside my handbag to find its way to my home where it would be put in a place of honour and easily accessed.

Just recently I had an irate family member declare that she won't follow my posts on Face Book because they "are too religious" and she "doesn't think it's right to have it up on Face Book". However, I would prefer to see them than her endless selfies and pictures of her rather prominently displayed bust.  Come to think of it, maybe this was the reason my estranged brother unfriended me from his Face Book yesterday. How he describes Christians is unprintable here....

All in all, I sometimes feel that there is a conspiracy amongst unsaved family and friends in keeping our faith at arms length, and any chance to degrade, hurt, ridicule and humiliate us is taken. We are fair game, people. Yet we cannot change our life style, if we truly believe.

If we believe, we will be Christ-like, and to the unsaved, this is a threat. For Christ-likeness shines His light over their darkness, and they are exposed. This is very disconcerting to the person whose heart is far from being saved. But rather than retreat, we must advance and keep being faithful. Who else knows them like we do? Who else but us bearing Christ in us, would want to see them saved? Who would forgive? Who would pray? And yes, even love them?

It's not easy being a Christian today, especially with unsaved family and friends. We will have an extra cross to bear in humiliation, we will have our faith tested and our resolve to be loving will be sorely tried. And if the one who is unsaved and antagonistic to our faith, is our spouse, a sword will pierce through our heart over and over again.

We dare not take this treatment and derision to heart, for if we do, we may never see our loved ones come to Christ. We may not know that the Holy Spirit is wooing that person and that the barbs and derision are coming to the fore because of a spiritual battle within him or her. It often happens like that. No matter what happens, I must forgive and try to forget the laughter at my expense. 

I cannot change who I am now. I am Christ's, Who was also laughed at as He was whipped and stripped and refused to save Himself by coming off the cross. The die is cast for me, my path is clear. I am moving forward in spite of the jests and guffaws. Let them laugh: we'll have the last one!

But I will be praying for them to be saved for the sad thing is that them going to Hell's not funny and I will not be laughing! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And the people stood looking on. But even the rulers with them sneered, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if He is the Christ, the chosen of God.” Luke 23:35

We aren't just tired: we're dead tired

A woman who suffers from a chronic illness or disability often finds herself at the end of "normals'" ideas of being tired. We are often looked at with contempt for being so tired that we can't perform our daily duties properly. Or that we have to go to bed early, rise late, or cancel social engagements at the last minute. We are not lazy. 

Before Corona, we were regarded with suspicion when we couldn't make it to church regularly and people harshly judged our spiritual health, deeming us backslidden.  Emotional and spiritual hurt exacerbates our ill state. We feel worse and they lack compassion.

Often we have to cancel doctors' appointments because we are too sick to get there. We find we can't drive and even if we could, we haven't got the strength to even get washed and dressed. It is not unheard of that some of us have crumpled in the shower, unable to get out and totally winded...

Our "tired" goes far beyond a sleepiness or drowsy feeling. We are so fatigued that breathing is too much effort and not for the first time we are grateful it's automatic.

Furthermore, our "tired" is not helped by a nanna nap or even 9 hours of sleep.  We fight our illness and pain even in our dreams and wake up unrefreshed and have to face another day when we haven't recuperated from the day before. We simply have run out of spoons.

"Tired" is overused and doesn't come close to the bone sucking quagmire of desperate fatigue we chronically ill people find ourselves sinking into constantly.  To have "normals" flippantly say, "Me too!" when we tell them we are tired invalidates us and makes us long for their brand of tiredness that can be restored through a good sleep.

We cannot even enjoy a shower or bath to help us sleep as the effort it takes to do this not only drains us of whatever energy we can find, but does not always bring a restorative sleep. Just muscle pain.

Such is my own pain on going to bed that I find I cannot place my arms anywhere comfortable. My fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica make it impossible to raise my arms upwards and extending them hurts my muscles and tendons. So I go to sleep with my arms folded on my chest.

I indeed look like a cadaver which has been laid out and testifies somewhat to the feeling of being dead in my tracks.  Because that's the type of exhaustion we face every day: we truly feel dead tired.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalm 71:9

Chipping away at the stone

So my fibromyalgia is back with a passion, making every muscle ache. I tried to take a bath a couple of days ago and I had great difficulty getting out. I had to use a pillow under my knee and I had no other option than to lean on it to get up. It was so painful and the consequences are enormous.

I know I shouldn't have tried with both knees with torn menisci and other ligament damage.  I was in so much pain that I longed for a bath to hopefully relax my muscles. It didn't. Nor did it help my sore neck with another episode of polymyalgia rheumatica.

This constant pain is wearing me down. My doctor is too afraid to give me pain relief and I am considering changing doctors. This creates anxiety in me. And to top it all off, I have been cranky and not really a nice person to be near at the moment.

With Chris ill himself, I seem to be carrying everything myself with no help in sight. Take this morning for example. I put on a load of washing, cleaned Xena's litter tray and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher.

Testing our blood sugar level before breakfast,  I asked Chris what he wanted for breakfast. He told me what he wanted, just sitting there waiting for me to get it for him. I am sorry to report that I arced up and told him to get it himself.

I added some other truths about him acting like he's the only one with pain and that I am tired of being his servant when all he does is watch TV and sleep all day. You gotta understand, that usually this isn't an issue, but the pain has truly worn me down.

Chris asked me what I had done so far this morning. I told him and he replied that it isn't necessary to push myself like I am doing. Push myself? Doing minimum household chores?

I told him I was just trying to live a normal life and he replied, "But you aren't normal! You have got to realise that and accept it!" But in fact, what I do is pared down to the bone housekeeping compared to what it was even 10 years ago. How much less can I do and still manage to live a relatively clean and organised life? Single handedly.

Over the 23 years of having fibromyalgia I have had a determination like stone. I would not let fibromyalgia or indeed any of my other painful conditions control my life. And for the most part it hasn't. Until today. It's chipping away at the stone.

Sex isn't everything.

This picture reminds me of Chris and I in the kitchen... I often can be washing the dishes and he will come behind me for a cuddle.. I still blush and giggle like a school girl!  I usually go weak at the knees when he kisses the back of my neck, and I turn around and kiss him passionately.  Finally, we break away, breathless with romance and laughter!  Most times, he then pitches in and helps me finish washing up.

This little dalliance of ours to us is quite romantic and that coupled with the fact that Chris helps me with the dishes, makes me feel nurtured and happy- it doesn't take a lot for me! Which is good, because money is short for a lot of flowers and chocolates.

We do go out together for meals whenever we can salt away a little money.  Nothing too expensive, but we bring our own ambiance!  Just looking into each others' eyes and holding hands over the table reminds us of our early days together and keeps us focused on each other.  Truly, we do adore each other.

Because money is in short supply, and because we constantly laugh together and cuddle often, we feel that special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays and Valentines' Day aren't necessary to show affection and love. We in fact, do not buy gifts for these for each other. And it is perfectly fine with us. We do, however look at our wedding photos and reminisce a lot on our anniversary or any other date significant to us...

I think it may be the fact that we are an older married couple that makes it easier to see romance in ways that younger couples don't.  With age and fibromyalgia and heart and back problems and Chris with his diabetes, sex is either umcomfortable or impossible. So both Chris and I look forward to a bubble bath at home with a good back wash and nail trims or a foot or back massage.  We do that for each other on a regular basis. To us, nurture is romance!

Chris loves me bringing his breakfast into him in the morning. This to him is romantic and although his not buying me presents and sending me cards may seem that he is an unromantic man, nothing could be further from the truth.  He sings to me! We have some special songs that he says were written just for us, and he will play them on the computer, and take me in his arms and croon to me as we dance slowly round the living room.

Because I am often in hospital, Chris shows his care by staying with me most of the day until visiting hours are over, just stroking my hair and holding my hand. Or he will come with our laptop and headphones for me. My heart melts with love for him.  We can't stand to be away from each other.

Illness, medications, no spoons and age have curtailed our times of intimacy, but we manage to show love to each other in ways that are imaginative, erotic and very caring.  There is absolutely no thoughts of unmet needs- love can be expressed in ways other than full sexual intercourse, and we delight in each other regardless! If sex happens, it's a bonus!

So we don't care about no presents or cards for Christmas, or birthdays or Valentines' Day-  with the romantic sparks that still fly between us, and our little dalliances, every day is Valentines' Day. 

I thank God for Chris as I am one very blessed wife, and I tell him often.... he finds that very romantic too! We are proof that you can live without sex! Sex isn't everything! (This post has been written with my husbands' permission)

It has been humbling.

With the days so uncertain and now a new war, I have an underlying anxiety bordering on depression, I have spent a lot of time in prayer and personal Bible study. 

I have been watching lots of You tube sermons on eschatology or end times and the Rapture. But I have no peace. To be honest, it's doing my head in and destroying my peace.

Before Covid19, I was so peaceful and assured of God's providence and protection of His people, but with many believers also getting the virus, it has shaken my faith. 

Honestly, I felt better before I delved into all the end times predictions and when the Rapture would come.

So in having much time to sit and pray, I have come to realise that the reason for my disquiet is that I want to control my life and destiny. I want to know what will happen tomorrow. I want to know why.

And I want to feel in control. So in realising this, I have had to repent. I have had to study the promises of God and acknowledge that He alone is sovereign. 

I am His to call home or to allow to live. And in so doing, I have had to relinquish my need to control and to know, and I have had to revert to childlike faith.

So now each night I commit my life into God's Hands. And I can sleep. Each morning, I thank God for another day and I am grateful.

Faith is the key to peace. Lack of faith produces fear and is of the evil one. It will do your head in...

Placing my hand in God's Hand as a trusting child has calmed me. The depression  has lifted. And a new depth of my relationship with God as Father has deepened.  I am glad that I have had this crisis to shake my faith and then to strengthen it.

It hasn't been fun and it hasn't been easy.  But like so many times we are put in the crucible, we are better for it. 

To think I was so unsure of my trust in God's protection has worried me, but now that the test is over, I rejoice. It is freeing.

Like in all pruning and growth, I have blossomed in trust.... but it has been humbling. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

We live in a fallen world

 I have tried not to dwell on my illnesses these days, but still find that I have to remember to do this:

Accepting that one's life is going to be difficult due to ongoing illness makes for a happier life. When the chronically ill person decides to give it to God, and to cling to Him instead of succumbing to false guilt, life takes on a normality in what many would see as anything but. It is a surrender, if you will.

Suffering does not make us second-class Christians, as some false teachings would purport. Nor does it mean we are faithless or aren't reading our Bibles or standing on the promises of God regarding healing.

Furthermore, being ill does not check us out of God's watchful Eye of concern, or mean that He is an uncompassionate God. No, we all are subject to frailties and problems in the flesh because we live in a fallen world... we have not been singled out to suffer...

God has given us things to do in our suffering and it is important that we stay close to Him and continue to read the Word and pray. It is not that God has moved, when He feels far away during a flare or illness, but our emotions are also hurting as a result of our condition.

It is important to pray that God heal us, and to ask the Church to anoint us with oil according to the Scriptures... It is essential to our emotional and spiritual health to stay in the faith and believe that God can heal us, but to pray for strength until- or even IF it is His will to do so.

I know that should/when another flare comes for me that I will have to cling to Jesus and reread what I have written here (for I write it for myself as well as you). I will need to surrender this next painful chapter of my life, knowing that God will still be there for me.

Surrendering our pain and our life to God is the only thing we can do.... meanwhile, I thank Him for the few days of respite..

Suffering is not our fault, but is because we live in a fallen world.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. 3 John 1:2