When your home is a prison

Years ago I suffered from a dreadful condition where leaving my home was a cause for panic and anxiety. It's name is agoraphobia.  I overcame it, but it has reared its' ugly head once more.

With the Corona Virus instilling in us a fear of being too near people, being diligent with hand washing etc in order to stay safe,  and staying at home because of Rona, I have found it has exacerbated my agoraphobic tendencies.  

I get clammy going into a supermarket or even going to the Post Office. Some days I have to force myself to leave the house and I will get Chris to handle things for me if possible.

Living in the fifth wheeler for six months and ending up housebound because of my torn menisci didn't help me either. It took a lot of effort to get out of the staying at home habit when we first resumed renting. But I won, and by beating it then, I know I can do it again.

When we are asked to stay home, it does not present any great problem to me. In fact, the only problem with this whole virus thing is that I can't see my family. But that won't last forever. They will be able to come to me.

My agoraphobia will not last forever: with prayer and forcing myself to gradually leave the house for longer periods, I will overcome it. But it takes a lot of prayer and determination. But with time it can be done.

Agoraphobia must be tamed in order to have quality of life, for if given into, it will turn your home into a prison.

 © Glenys Robyn Hicks

"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, Who shelters him all the day long; And he shall dwell between His shoulders."  Deuteronomy 33:12

Chipping away at the stone

So my fibromyalgia is back with a passion, making every muscle ache. I tried to take a bath a couple of days ago and I had great difficulty getting out. I had to use a pillow under my knee and I had no other option than to lean on it to get up. It was so painful and the consequences are enormous.

I know I shouldn't have tried with both knees with torn menisci and other ligament damage.  I was in so much pain that I longed for a bath to hopefully relax my muscles. It didn't. Nor did it help my sore neck with another episode of polymyalgia rheumatica.

This constant pain is wearing me down. My doctor is too afraid to give me pain relief and I am considering changing doctors. This creates anxiety in me. And to top it all off, I have been cranky and not really a nice person to be near at the moment.

With Chris ill himself, I seem to be carrying everything myself with no help in sight. Take this morning for example. I put on a load of washing, cleaned Xena's litter tray and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher.

Testing our blood sugar level before breakfast,  I asked Chris what he wanted for breakfast. He told me what he wanted, just sitting there waiting for me to get it for him. I am sorry to report that I arced up and told him to get it himself.

I added some other truths about him acting like he's the only one with pain and that I am tired of being his servant when all he does is watch TV and sleep all day. You gotta understand, that usually this isn't an issue, but the pain has truly worn me down.

Chris asked me what I had done so far this morning. I told him and he replied that it isn't necessary to push myself like I am doing. Push myself? Doing minimum household chores?

I told him I was just trying to live a normal life and he replied, "But you aren't normal! You have got to realise that and accept it!" But in fact, what I do is pared down to the bone housekeeping compared to what it was even 10 years ago. How much less can I do and still manage to live a relatively clean and organised life? Single handedly.

Over the 23 years of having fibromyalgia I have had a determination like stone. I would not let fibromyalgia or indeed any of my other painful conditions control my life. And for the most part it hasn't. Until today. It's chipping away at the stone.

Grace and mercy starts with us!

When I have prolonged flares of my fibromyalgia, like at the moment, I often lapse into depression. Often this is brought on by false guilt and grief for the way my life is now and comparing how it was prior to fibro.

In order to avoid going into the Pit of Despair, I have to recognise that I am not only under physical attack with my illness, but spiritual attack. If the evil one can get me to listen to my thoughts of defeat, self-condemnation, grief and sadness, then he has won. He has ruined my day.

It is at times like these that I have to put on the Armour of God and after that to then bring these negative thoughts into the captivity of Christ. I need to remember that God loves me no matter how fast I spin my wheel.

And this is a BIGGIE: God only requires that I love Him with my whole heart, mind and soul, that I love justice and mercy and that I walk humbly with Him. It's nothing to do with limitations brought on by illness or disability or our lack of energy to do things.

It's never been a case of what I have done or do, but rather what He has done. We don't earn our salvation: it's a free Gift.

So in line with this, is the fact that we survive solely on Grace. God's Grace towards us is unfathomable. But do we impart grace to ourselves when we live as chronically ill women?

We are called to love mercy, but are we being merciful to ourselves when we are incapacitated with chronic illness? Listening to negative thoughts is not showing mercy or grace to ourselves.

We need to remember that we are still walking humbly with God, even if that walk is with a walking stick, frame or wheelchair. For we walk by faith- and in God's Sight, there is no mobility aid or even disability. We are walking in the Spirit, and that is a priceless thing that is eternal.

Therefore, as God loves us where we are at, let us lay aside the lies of the evil one and fix our gaze on God and His promises to us.

We may or may not be healed before He takes us Home, but whether we live in health or not: we are the LORD'S. Let's remember that, especially when we are in our worst flare, and be gracious and merciful to ourselves. Grace and mercy starts with us!


© Glenys Robyn Hicks


He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8