I'm afraid of the dark.

Every evening as soon as the street lights come on, I start nesting. I close all the drapes, put the lamps and lights on and prepare to relax.

I want to block out the moon and stars, and I don't want to see smoke coming from chimney tops of farm houses nearby. As soon as dinner is over, I hop into my pyjamas and turn our electric blankets on. Then I snuggle up to Chris. 

There's nothing nicer to hear than the rain on my tin roof or windows and I luxuriate in the warmth of my living room or bed.  And I give thanks for a safe home, a warm home and bed and a loving husband. My joy is complete.

I hate being out and when it gets to twilight the dark of night follows closely and unnerves me somewhat. Sensing my fear, Chris turns the heat up in the car, puts a worship CD on for me and assures me we will be home soon. He knows my life story and he cares enough to try to comfort me when darkness overtakes us in the natural hours of night time.

My childhood was one of fleeing alcoholic's rages, defending my mother from my father's attacks and looking out for my siblings. Too many times to recount, we would have to flee our warm home or bed as Dad was on a drunken rage and he would chuck beer bottles at us as we fled down our hill in the night.

With a pounding heart, we would run from him and the damage broken glass could do to us, and the fear would be compounded by a longing to live a peaceful life like our friends and playmates.

Flickers of light through the curtains of our neighbour's homes would show that adults would still be watching TV and the moon glowed enough to make out the smoke from their chimney. How we longed to be normal and still tucked in our beds with Mum, Dad and our resident drunk, our uncle watching TV as we drifted off to sleep in our nearby bedrooms.

But those times gradually became less and still were ongoing when I was hastily married at 16. My nightmare had just begun.  After a horrific 25 year marriage I finally broke free and  had the peace of my own place with no alcohol in sight. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

The nightmare was ended and my new chapter began three years later when I met and married Chris. He has been an answer to prayer and my gift from the LORD for trying to honour a man who broke my bones, burnt me with cigarettes, kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant and raped me after surgery.

But the foundation of violence has left me with PostTraumaticStressDisorder which sometimes gives me panic attacks and flashbacks. No romantic moons, wishes upon a star or evening walks for me. But God created a loving man just for His damaged daughter-a man who still loves me and knows why I'm afraid of the dark. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

So grateful tonight

So I have lit the lamps and drawn our drapes. The air outside is cold but our home is warm. The smell of cooking still hangs in the air: a fragrant reminder of a lovely meal eaten in quiet enjoyment.

We watch the flames of our fire and give in to reflection of the day. It has been a good day. With full tummies and grateful hearts, we hold hands and talk. There is contentment in our hearts and words.

Outside we have people in the front lines of health and security- police, doctors, ambulance workers in essential fields of service that ensure our well being and standard of living are taken care of. They are heroes.

But the peace inside our home is closely guarded as we turn off endless news programs and feeds in social media of conspiracy theories and death tolls and predictions regarding the Corona Virus. 

We know they are there, but they are not welcome in our home. Our thoughts are brought into the captivity of Christ. We think only of that which is true and good.

As we prepare to retire soon, we are grateful for electric blankets and soft pillows and even for the little cat who loves to snuggle with her family. So many the world over are living in fear of death from this virus, and many are homeless. We are blessed.

As I hold Chris's hand, I am grateful for the absence of violence in my life, for many are living in a place that isn't safe and this isolation for them is far more than inconvenient: it is dangerous.

We invite the Holy Spirit to fill our home, and I refuse to allow anxiety to weigh my heart and mind down: God has us in His Hand and even if I were to contract Rona, He would do what He wills with me.  I am ready to go Home in illness or in the imminent Rapture.

Tonight, when I turn off my bedside lamp to go to sleep, I will say what I say every time before I go to sleep or under the knife in surgery: "Father, into Your Hands I commit my spirit!" 

And I will fall asleep knowing that God has all things under control. I am so grateful tonight! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

Your sleep can be sweet.

I often wake with a panic attack induced by a dream.  This is pretty common for the fibromyalgia sufferer.

The first thing I do is purposefully relax my body and allow the adrenaline to subside. I usually feel it coursing through my body like a cold chill. By relaxing instead of tensing, it usually leaves through the soles of my feet. That takes care of the physical nasty effects of the panic.

I have trained myself to immediately respond with praise. Worship and praise are key to controlling it on the emotional level. I make myself lay in bed and I pray for others' needs. I also force myself to dwell on positive things like counting my blessings.

If I refrain from getting up, but stay in bed instead, I can usually fall asleep again. Panic attacks are sneaky things that can catch you unawares, such as when you are sleeping. But they don't have to linger. 

Focus on relaxing and getting your breathing controlled and then focus on praiseworthy  and good things.  God gives His beloved rest. He's got your back, even in your sleep. Your sleep can be sweet.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. Proverb 3:24

It's a beautiful evening

The sun is sinking under the nearby hills, leaving pink streaks in the sky. I have drawn the drapes and lit the lamps.

My dishes from dinner are drying in the drainer. Xena has been fed and is indoors sitting with her Dad, Chris.

The weather is slightly cool and we have put our fire on low which gives a cosy effect. I love my home, my husband and my cat... and of course, my God.

Not only has He blessed us with a lovely home to live in, but He graciously gave me a few surprise spoons (energy) this afternoon. I managed to do what was on my list, plus I finished off putting all my clean washing away.

We live a simple life, but it is one of contentment and joy. I am believing for a good sleep tonight. I have already taken my medications and I can retire any time after an hour. I must remain upright and awake for an hour after taking them or my sleep is fitful and sore. I know that if I lay down soon after taking them that I can either have GERD or aspirate some acid and develop pneumonia. I have had pneumonia three times. I don't know why my sleep is fitful and my muscles sore if I don't wait an hour, but I am sick of trying to work it out: It is what it is.

Soon I will join Chris in the lounge room and no doubt Xena will jump up onto my lap for a cuddle and cat nap. As soon as she hears me say I am going to B.E.D. she springs off my lap and nearly trips me up to get there before me. I have to spell B.E.D. because she knows the word- yes she does. She's a smart girlie!

As I lay thanking God for the good in each day before I sleep, I can be sure of one thing: my little feline mate will be under the covers, pressed up against my back. She is always purring at night and I have no doubt that she too is grateful for the ending day. And for a Mum who overlooks cat fur and her tickling cat whiskers!  All in all, it's a beautiful evening! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious ... To take rest late, To eat the bread of toil; For so he giveth unto his beloved sleep. Psalm 127:2