Morning Cuppas With Glenys : Heart problems

Showing posts with label Heart problems. Show all posts

It's all too much!

So recently I have had chest pain in angina and breathing problems coupled with what I thought was fatigue from an ongoing fibromyalgia flare.

My blood pressure sky rocketed, requiring a visit to a cardiologist who ordered an echocardiogram. My general practitioner told me if the results were bad, he would contact me. And he did.

I got the call last Friday telling me to make an appointment for a phone consult so I ended up speaking to the doctor on Monday. He told me I have heart failure due to Pulmonary Hypertension.

There is no cure for it but there are some treatments. I am already on blood thinners which I will stay on as PH can cause blood clots in the lungs. I already take 7 blood pressure tablets a day.

I often have felt dizzy and this is another symptom of PH and I feel like I can't get enough air in at times. The time will come when I will probably need oxygen at home.

Forget about exercise- I nearly collapse with exhaustion after walking up our long passage to answer the door.

I will know more tomorrow when I see the doctor in person. This is needful because he wants to check out the swelling in my feet, ankles and legs. I suspect I have fluid in my abdomen too. It hurts and is tight like a drum.

I had a blood test yesterday to check on my kidney function and this will be a regular thing.

Lately it's been one thing after another and I am a tad depressed. Prayers would be much appreciated. It's all too much!

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

Unpretentious and simple

As you know, I have been having problems with my heart and fibromyalgia. My blood pressure is barely controlled and I am constantly tired.

We have decided to cancel Christmas this year. I haven't even put up a wreath on the front door, let alone, a Christmas tree.

We are staying home and nobody is coming. Contrary to how I would feel in years past, this year's plan gives me peace.

We plan to play games online with my sister and son. There's nothing like a game of online Scrabble with familiar people who are well matched in scores.

None of us is able to attend church these days but that doesn't stop us from worshiping God and remembering Jesus on the day we choose to celebrate as His birthday.

Next week I will be ordering my Christmas food and I will be buying a ham and organic salad vegetables for Chris's and my lunch. I will also be buying some grape juice and matzo crackers, as we plan to take Communion online with my sister and son like we did last Easter.

It is not an ideal Christmas, but with all of us feeling unwell, it is making the best of a bad situation.

We all feel that as long as we remember that God sent His Son Jesus to bear the sins of the world and be our Saviour, then that is what Christmas really is.

Besides, the first Christmas was extremely unpretentious and simple. It's OK if ours is too...

" So teach [us] to number our days, that we may apply [our] hearts unto wisdom" Psalm 90:12

Help until He comes

Today was a busy day in that I was organising aged care help for Chris and I ... we arent coping all that well... lots of phone calls that had me on hold for at least an hour each

After nearly a whole day on the phone, I am happy to report that we were approved for help. Our aged care home package will start in 3-4 weeks. It includes transport, home maintenance, podiatry, and grass cutting. Later on as we get older it will include meals on wheels... but as long as I can cook, we would prefer our own cuisine.

I am hoping that God takes us Home soon. That is the best thing to dwell on. But meanwhile, while we wait, my house could do with a deep clean, our toenails are feral and we need them properly done. We cant take a bath and we help each other shower but a grip bar and telephone type shower have been promised to us under home maintenance, and that would stop the suffocation feeling of water pouring over our head when we can't breathe at the best of times..

We cant drive most times and we will need transport for a personal consultation with our doctor and the help they offer is needed now. Nothing to do with lack of faith or not watching- but we have to be practical.

Heart failure is a beast that stalks us both and is a progressive disease. Peripheral neuropathy in our feet and legs is a constant pain that stops sleep. A physiotherapist may be able to help or offer exercises to alleviate it.. all things that need attention now.

Including last but not least, changed bed linen that can be done without banging gnarled fingers and hands... and while we look with anticipation and longing to be Home, the daily necessities of life are calling.

We rely on God to help us and are grateful that He has blessed us with the help we need...until He comes. Our life style is always if the LORD wills.... we consider ourselves blessed that we are eligible for the help that's come our way, until He comes! God willing, it will be soon. But if not, we will be accepting help to keep going until He comes.

" So teach [us] to number our days, that we may apply [our] hearts unto wisdom" Psalm 90:12

Giving the gift of time well spent

As most of you who follow my blogs know, Chris and I not enjoying the best of health. We both are currently battling heart failure, diabetes and obesity brought on by the inactivity that comes with pain and age.

Gradually as the maladies make themselves more known and felt, we are aware that we probably won't make it to our 80th year.

Lately we have written a will and talked to our adult children of our final wishes. Unable to bear being apart, we have decided that we both want to be buried together, and to this end, we are currently getting information about prepaid funerals and plots of land at our local cemetery.

We have discussed Do not rescusitate orders and made our wishes known to our children. They were hesitant to talk about these matters, but we assured them that we need to sort it out, afterwhich we won't talk about it.

My stents in my heart are 15 years old and I am told I need new ones inserted, but I have refused them as the previous 2 angiograms injured me. I simply don't want to have more surgery.

Chris and I have made the choice that there won't be any more harmful surgeries. If I have a bad heart attack I do not want to be rescusitated.

I am ready for Jesus to either take me in the Rapture or call me Home. Either way is OK.

Chris is in really bad health with his own heart failure. I am aware of how little time we may have and I don't want to waste it.

So I am on the computer about an hour instead of all day. I have culled most groups etc but have not culled my friends.

Chris promised me he will update if I go Home. We just cant bear any more hospitals and tests etc- especially when they have done me harm in the past.

I am trusting the LORD instead of man and for the one who is left behind, we are giving the gift of time well spent.

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints. Psalm 116:15

I think I could sleep on the freeway.

We visited the doctor today. I have extremely high blood pressure which the doctor feels is due to my fibromyalgia pain. It has flared since the move and I have gone grey overnight.

He is increasing my antidepressants as I am stressed to the max. He believes they may help in my fibro pain. He has not offered anything for pain as yet.

I feel totally exhausted and I need to help Dianne for the next month as she can't drive. My spoons are gone before I surface each day.

My exhaustion is such that my legs feel like they can't hold me up. Yet like helping my daughter and looking after my sick husband, there are things that just have to be done.

My grandson walked to our place from school today and found no clean cups for a drink. I told him he will have to wash one out for himself as I have been so unwell that I haven't been able to stack the dishwasher.

He selected a picnic cup instead of washing one and then asked to be driven home. I felt guilty that my kitchen is a mess but Chris has fluid build up in his lungs due to living with heart failure and hasn't been able to help.

As a fellow counter of spoons, he has to save them for driving Dianne to doctors' appointments and physio, so I do not ask that he helps with the housework.

My extra antidepressants are kicking in and I am feeling tired as we speak. I must straighten my bed first as it is very uncomfortable as it is. I need a good night's sleep.

It is true that you sleep better in a tidy bed. The way I feel right now, I think I could sleep on the freeway.

Stating your name and business

As you know, we have just moved and along with a new home, comes some new things to add to the decor.

Chris and I love this door mat. This verse is one of our favourites and when we saw it we wanted it. It can be personalised to add your family name.

It looks lovely at the front door. We still have pictures to be hung and some flat packs of furniture to make up. The unpacking itself is almost finished.

The plan is to gradually go through room to room and gradually declutter. But this will depend on my spoons. I have another fibromyalgia flare.

But we have been finding that even a concerted effort of 5 minutes at a time followed by a rest and a cup of tea has paid off. Pacing is critical with fibromyalgia and heart failure.

I am in the process of getting an i-Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner to help with the floors. This house is quite large and the passage alone is as long as a cricket pitch...

Neither Chris or I can vacuum these days and I am hoping that the i-Roomba will save on money to employ a helper to come clean the house for me. I will let you know how we go.

Happily, the robotic vac can manage both tiles and carpet without skipping a beat, so it will be able to keep our lovely door mat free of dust bunnies.

Meant to be noticed, I don't want visitors to our home seeing the mat dirty- not when it's proclaiming our faith and intention of having a holy home. It's all about stating your name and business!

It's a good thing, fibro or not!

Chris and I have both had glandular fever which lasted for months. He is being checked for fibromyalgia as he has every indication that he has, even though it is mainly a female disease, it can effect men. Here is an article written by a doctor about that link....

Epstein Barr, the virus responsible for glandular fever or mononucleosis, has been linked to the development of fibromyalgia – a chronic, painful condition of the muscles and connective tissue.

Fibromyalgia sufferers are mainly female and report chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch. One of the most important criteria to determine whether or not you may have this disease is significant pain in very specific areas of your body, including:

* Inside of your elbows
* Your collar bones
* Inside of your knees
* Your hips

Usually these locations are symmetrical, so you’ll have pain equally present on both sides of your body. Experiencing significant pain when someone presses on those areas, on both sides, is indicative of this condition.

Other symptoms can include fatigue, sleep disturbance, anxiety, bowel and bladder problems, difficulty swallowing and joint stiffness.

Conventional medicine offers no cure for fibromyalgia, although there are treatments like medication, exercise and behavioral interventions that can reduce symptoms.

The natural approach to treating fibromyalgia is to re-balance the immune system which may have been damaged by the effects of the Epstein Barr virus. It is also vital to relieve symptoms through nutritional intervention, graded exercise, stress management and re-establishing good sleep patterns. Let’s have a look at some of these natural treatments for fibromyalgia:

The mineral magnesium is a natural muscle relaxant that is showing promising effects on the pain of this condition. It should be taken as a powder or capsule along with magnesium-rich foods like fish, avocado, raw nuts and seeds, soybeans, green leafy vegetables, brown rice, apples, apricots and grapefruit.

Malic acid is also often low in sufferers and should be supplemented. Malic acid is found naturally in fruits like apple. It often gives unripe fruit a tart or sour taste.

To help relieve the fatigue seen in fibro and Epstein Barr, vitamin C and the B complex are recommended. Anti-inflammatory foods like fish oil, zinc, ginger, turmeric, pineapple and paw paw can also help.

Restoration of normal sleep patterns is an essential part of the recovery process. Herbs like valerian, skull cap, hops and chamomile are excellent. Epsom salt baths which are naturally high in magnesium should also be taken nightly before bedtime. These baths reduce muscle pain and tension and help ensure a good night’s sleep. Gentle exercise during the day – either a walk, swim or stretching exercises can also help you sleep better at night.

Diet wise, I recommend my Epstein Barr, CFS and fibromyalgia patients follow a low carb, high protein diet based around good quality protein foods and plenty of fresh leafy greens and other vegetables. Sugar, grains and the nightshade family of foods like tomatoes, eggplant, chilli, potatoes and capsicum, should be eliminated as they can trigger pain and soreness in the fibromyalgia patient. Remember too to drink plenty of pure water – at least 2-3 litres a day...... author unknown

I have to add here that I could never drink 2-3 litres of water a day and current medical advice is that we only need about 6 glasses. Too much water intake can cause more problems and we have enough to deal with already.

We are already both on fluid tablets due to heart failure. But apart from that, we are going to implement some diets changes and other suggestions.

With us both suffering similar pain issues, it is easier to understand each other and offer love and support. Which is a good thing, fibro or not!

Or should I say, how little!

It's Wednesday morning here. I have cleaned my kitchen and taken meat out to thaw for dinner. I am going to cook pork chops with mashed potato and greens with gravy.

My sister's son came to visit her for Mother's Day. He brought some homemade scones with cream and jam for her and my nephew to enjoy. They share a house together.

During the visit, he shared that his own son is at home with Covid. Yesterday, he rings and says he's now positive too. With lupus, fibro and other diseases, and with my son with breathing problems, they are worried that they will catch it too. They aren't vaxxed. So far my son and my sister are OK but are getting some RAT's this afternoon.

Chris is sleeping sitting up on the couch. He really needs to go back to the doctor as he's feeling like he's drowning in fluid. I have been encouraging him to go, but he's very stubborn. Consequently, he doesn't get much sleep and can't lie down.

It's hard looking after him because of this fear of doctors and hospitals. It's not like he's a child and you just take them....

There's not much else planned for today. My fibromyalgia pain is bad. I'm so glad at this stage of my life that I can decide how much I will do each day. Or should I say, how little!

The only nice thing about it

So we went to the doctor yesterday to get our results from blood tests taken a few days ago. My blood pressure was 140/90 which was slightly better than last time, but still high.

He asked was anything bothering me and I had to tell him I am worried about Chris. Both of us have heart failure, high blood pressure, diabetes and cellulitis plus I have fibromyalgia.

We both have pitting oedema on our feet and legs and the fatigue that comes from obesity and feeling sick. Dressing and showering is shared in that we help each other and because of exhaustion from showering, we shower every second day, taking opposite days. That way, we can help each other.

Our love language is touch in the form of massaging each other's feet and legs and our speech revolves around spoons and how much sugar is in everything that passes our lips.

We rarely leave home any more except for the doctor or chemist and our rubbish bins go out more than us. The highlight of our day is to discover we don't have any appointments or need a blood test. We are extremely relieved to know we can just stay home and have a PJ day.

It is unusual to call on us and not find at least one of us having a nana nap, particularly if we haven't slept well the night before.

When massaging Chris's feet or watching him sleep upright so that he doesn't feel like he's drowning in his fluid, I become anxious about how ill he looks and I fret that I will lose him.

I can't bear to think of that and when I do, I have to give it to the LORD in prayer and trust that He will grant us more time together.

All this angst does nothing to alleviate my fibromyalgia pain or help me get over a flare and I find myself taking mild pain relief every 6 hours. As the doctor advised.

Our home is able to be company ready in half an hour as it is basically tidy all the time. True, there may be slippers in the lounge or a cup on the table, but this can easily be fixed. I just close our bedroom doors to hide the permanently clean but unmade beds.

We love our home as we feel it nurtures us and even though we only may be gone a few hours when we have to go out, we find we are really looking forward to coming home again.

When we were engaged, we agreed that it would be nice to grow old together and we have. Twenty-five years later, it isn't so nice. But thank goodness we have each other and that's the only nice thing about it.

We both are spoilt girls

With heart failure and certain blood pressure tablets, my feet and legs puff up with fluid. I have pitting oedema which means that the indent when a finger is pressed on the limb, stays for a long time. My heart is not working as it should.

At the end of the day, when we watch TV together, Chris will automatically reach for my feet and gently massage them, rubbing the fluid upward towards the heart. He also rubs my toes which burn and sting with neuropathy from diabetes.

The other night as Chris rubbed my foot, Xena jumped up onto the couch and lay beside me. Not wanting to miss out on cuddles, she put her paw up on Chris's arm, purring loudly. It was a lovely relaxing time and helped lift our depression.

Neither Chris or I are doing too well physically at the moment. Chris's sugars are uncontrolled and he has fluid on his lungs from heart failure.

Such is the loving nature of this man that he rubs my feet continually, even when he needs his own done. I do rub his feet and legs at least once a day and when I cut his toe nails for him. But it must be said that his ministrations to me are more frequent than mine to him. I simply have no spoons at the end of the day.

I manage the house with all that entails and Chris knows that my spoons are in short supply, especially with a fibromyalgia flare, and so he seeks to bring me some comfort and pleasure at the end of the day.

Xena seems to pick up on the loving atmosphere and always makes sure she's between us in order to be included in the cuddles.

She loves her Daddy too and we consider her as our feline child-and because she loves her Mummy as well, she purrs contentedly as she wonders which one of us is a spoilt girl. We both are spoilt girls.

This too will pass

It's been nearly a week without spoons. I have absolutely no energy to speak of and have just been focussing on keeping the clothes washed, kitchen clean and cooking.

I suppose it's my fault. With some recent spoons, I probably overdid it and hence the Flare of Flares. It's sort of predictable with fibromyalgia. But I was hoping to break out of the pain/fatigue cycle. I haven't.

The doctor has become concerned about my blood pressure being high 160/90 and has been trying to get me to give myself a once a week injection of a drug that's supposed to help me lose weight as well as keep the sugars low. I don't want it.

My feelings are that once you inject something, you have to put up with any side-effects for another week, unlike oral tablets that you have some control over. You can stop taking them: not so with injections. Yes, you can stop using them but the chemical is in your system for a week.

I am sick enough with the antibiotics I am taking for suspected cellulitis in my leg. They are very rugged and have given me thrush as well. But I need to finish the course to heal my leg.

So because I have an infection, I am listening to my body and taking a nana nap if I need it. And I don't feel guilty for napping.

I am trying to keep upbeat and not stress too much. It's hard for me as Chris is suffering with his heart failure as well.

I know better days must come and that's why I chose the picture above. With prayer and leaning on the LORD, this phrase often comes to mind: "this too will pass" and it will- eventually.

The downside of country life

So the other night I was going into my bathroom when I noticed this huntsman on the frame near the door. My heart nearly stopped!

Walking into the bathroom, I must have passed close to this horrid spider who could easily have jumped on my head and such is my fear of spiders, it possibly would have killed me in a cardiac event brought on by fear!

Not an overly big spider by huntsman standards, he would have been about 3 inches across. But he was big enough to induce panic in us as we scurried to find a broom and the fly spray!

I didn't want to lose this guy as we wouldn't know where we would find him, so there was a great over use of flyspray and frantic loud bangs of the broom. Suffice it to say, he got a burial at sea!

It is said that they come in pairs, so we were watching everywhere until his mate was found. And she was...

I was in the adjacent laundry and found her sunning herself on the glass panel in the back door. I grabbed my flyspray and went to spray it, but then realised that she was outside the door. She too had to be gone because I didn't want her coming in the house. I'd had enough excitement with her mate's intrusion.

A few sprays of the flyspray had her on the move, and a few heavy thumps of the broom, and she was no longer. Except for food for the birds and ants.

Indeed, I had to chuckle at how fast I moved, considering my two damaged knees and fibromyalgia. It's marvellous what an adrenaline rush can do for a body!

Not only did the fear of losing the huntsman to perchance come back to terrorise me, rattle me, but so did realising that I had married a man who refused to rescue me from dangerous wildlife! Such was my expectation of my knight in shining armour! :)

Don't get me wrong: I still love living here in the Australian bush with my liver-lilied Chris, but snakes and huntsmen are definitely the downside of country life.

Keeping dainty with chronic illness

I have been ill with fibromyalgia for about twenty years now. In that time, lots of things have changed, and one of them is my personal hygiene routine.

One would think that taking a bath or a shower would be an easy thing to accomplish, but if you suffer from chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, back problems or angina problems like I do, you would realise that it consumes a lot of your spoons. So I had to do a bit of rethinking of my daily routines. I've discovered that one of the places that takes a lot of my spoons is the bathroom.

Because bathing and drying and dressing exhaust me, I varied my time in taking a bath depending on how well I feel. If I have enough energy, I would bathe in the morning, if not I would take a shower before bed as Chris is home and he helps me get dried and into my nightie. (When you are chronically ill, you quickly get over being humbled by needing assistance- you are grateful for any help available.)

I have found that if I take a bath or shower in the morning I am left with no energy for the rest of the day. If I take my shower at night, I have just enough energy afterwards to get myself to bed, which works out much better.

Hot baths or showers leave me too exhausted and give me angina pain, so I take showers with only warm or tepid water. While I would prefer to shower every day, showering is best done every other day for me to avoid flare-ups of pain, fatigue and soreness. I have decided on some new course of action to make time in my bathroom more fibro-friendly.

One of the first things I changed was how I take a shower, or rather, the position in which I shower: sitting. Here I find those telephone type showers are useful. When I get out of the shower, I sit down to dry off.

I can no longer blow dry my hair so by necessity my hairstyle has been wash and air dry for years now. Time in front of the sink brushing my teeth or washing my face has been modified by resting one foot on a stool while standing. Because of spinal problems and being a short person, I have a glass in my bathroom which I fill with water and use for rinsing and cleaning my toothbrush without straining to reach the tap.

I no longer wear makeup, the standing in front of the mirror and the use of my hands in holding the various tools of the task, is now limited to special occasions only; it is too painful a task to do on a daily basis. Also, my face is so sensitive that it breaks out in red welts at the slightest pressure... which includes smearing on foundation. This is called dermagraphia.

The bottom line is taking a shower is a real workout now. In addition to modifying how I take a shower, I am going to follow these 3 rules: I will only take a shower at night, I will only take warm water showers and I will only take a shower every other day. With the employment of a good deodorant after each shower and a fresh change of underwear each night and morning, I have found that I don't offend anyone and remain feminine and dainty.

Life with chronic illness is complicated, but at least I manage to stay clean while living it!

So teach [us] to number our days, that we may apply [our] hearts unto wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Normally abnormal

We chronically ill women try so hard to do "normal" things. Like look well. Be cheerful. Be patient. Kind. Hospitable. Our family and marriage are our first priority after God. We try so hard to spin our wheel not fast- but at a "normal" pace.

By "normal", we compare ourselves to those who do not suffer from chronic illness and pain. Or are disabled. We are very careful to keep serving our family but sometimes with the illness that afflicts us: we fail. This often gets to us and causes us to sink into depression.

Being unable to process that we simply can't act as "normals", we often berate ourselves and sink into the Pit of Despair. We are often judged by "normal" standards, as we simply cannot attend certain social functions like before. If we do, the pain and effort can make us tense and we can make us appear moody unsociable grumps aka the death head at the feast.

If only "normals" would realise that we are pushing ourselves every day to live a life that not even closely is "normal" like in the days before our health failed. We get so adept at doing this, that we have become quite good at wearing masks to cover the Mask Of Pain. Hence the appearance of being in a mood.

My fibromyalgia and other health issues have now made it impossible for me to disguise, and I have learned to acknowledge this to people and tell them in advance that my attendance or action or whatever is totally subject to how I am on any given day.

Basically, I have had to pander to angina, spinal and knee problems, fibromyalgia, polymyalgia rheumatica, and submit to tyrannical spoons by being totally flexible about my appointments and so on.

People may still misjudge me but that is not my problem. I just pray that the LORD will allow them to see that I am not lazy or unsociable, but am just a chronically ill woman who finds just breathing some days enough effort.

The LORD knows I am not well, but people take a lot more convincing. I am normally abnormal.

Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Colossians 3:12

My eternal quest

I slept well last night but still had no spoons to speak of. After a morning of minimal chores, I sat down next to Chris to watch the birds coming to eat the food I had thrown out for them.

Because of my heart failure, my feet and legs are up like balloons and Chris rubs them for me to help move the fluid up towards my heart. With neuropathy from my diabetes, he rubs my toes to move the blood around and help the circulation. It is heavenly.

Suddenly, I heard sonorous sounds that woke me up: to my horror, it was me snoring! Chris just laughed when he saw that I had woken myself up and suggested I try to get some more sleep before lunch. But the moment was lost and I got up and made some grilled toasties for our lunch.

I soaked the few dishes in hot soapy water, removed a small leg of lamb from the freezer, did some computer work and fell asleep at the screen. So I went for a nana nap as that's the only thing I can do with a fibromyalgia flare.

After I napped, I put the lamb on to roast and completed the dishwashing. We ate dinner and Chris cleared up the kitchen. We took our night medications and Chris watched TV while I blogged.

And so, here I sit, talking to you and longing for my bed again. I had no joy today finding some spoons and it may well be that tomorrow I will be pursuing my search again- it is my eternal quest.

A merry little Christmas

We are waiting for the real estate to carry out their 6 monthly house inspection for our rental. There won't be any problems. We love our home and have a lady come do some cleaning every two weeks. Just the stuff like vacuuming and mopping that we can't do anymore.

I have washed all our bedding over the last few days and stored our doonas away because we are now in our summer. Next week I will wash our pillows.

I will be making some sugar cookies to try out my Christmas nativity rolling pin. The cookie cutters came yesterday. I want to get the dough right before I make them up for Christmas gifts. If our little granddaughter is here before Christmas Day, I will let her help. She loves being in the kitchen and I let her cook or bake.

Our doctor is going to do a phone consult for us this afternoon. It's mainly for prescriptions but I need some advice on meds for Chris's fluids. His feet are swollen like balloons. (He has heart failure) I could have gotten in to actually see the doctor this afternoon, but Chris won't go, so I settled on the phone consult.

I put our little Christmas tree up and hung a wreath on the door..

Just taking things quietly each day. With another flare of fibromyalgia, it's enough. Like my 18" tree! We are going to have a merry "little" Christmas.

Into Your Hand, my Father!

I have not been writing for some time now. I have had health problems and my husband, Chris has also had serious health issues.

Life has been extremely hard and I found myself in the Pit of Despair. This time it took a long time to get back to normality, but praise God, I did.

World events, financial problems, family issues and fear of losing Chris all compounded to make me panic and become afraid. I was feeling at the end of my rope.

Finally, I went to my study, closed the door and broke down in front of the LORD. I came to Him as a child, terribly afraid and trusting Him to work it all out as a child does to its' father.

It was a time to repent of trying to work out things that weren't my business. When Christ was coming for us was a main concern. Fear for loved ones who weren't saved or who I wasn't sure were.

Feelings of failure and concerns of lack of ability to witness and serve God ensnared my mind. It was a time to surrender it all and lay it at the cross.

Lifting my hands up towards Heaven, I told God that I was afraid and I was immediately wrapped in a cloak of warmth and love that banished my fears and dried my tears.

I surrendered my fears and trying to work things out, to Him. I stopped fretting about things and prayed instead.

I visualised handing my fears to Him and holding His Hand...

I focussed on whatsoever things were good according to Philippians 4:8 and I regained my peace.

In surrender, I purposely became as a child and trusted God as my Father. If you really really trust God, there is no room for fear. Perfect love casts out fear. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

I now surround myself in worship music, prayer and reading the scriptures. I refuse to delve into matters that are God's alone- and He alone has broad enough shoulders to bear all things- I certainly haven't.

When I feel myself being afraid now, I place my hand in His and just allow Him to be my Father. I don't have to know everything, just trust Him.

With all that is happening in my life at the moment, I say this phrase many times each day with wonderful peace resulting- "Into Your Hand, my Father!"

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

A discipline worth fighting for.

Next month I will turn 68 and in all honesty, it has been a bumpy ride. All manner of tribulations, trials and hurts have been interspersed with blessings, wonder, tears of joy and love.

Like most people, I realise that time has passed by very quickly. It seemed I blinked from the time of being a young bride to now being the grandmother of the bride!

Birthdays don't phase me, in fact I celebrate each one joyfully, in spite of the fact that my physical life is a painful symphony of noisy ailments that clash in a discordant cacophony that threaten my mental health.

It's so easy to succumb to depression when one has a constant string of painful ailments to vie with each other to be Conductor of the piece. I battle them constantly.

I struggle to have the vicissitudes of life as salubrious as possible: I want to live my life well and not simply endure it. I know now how fast life passes us by and how precious every moment is.

Years ago, I realised I can go either way: try to be grateful and be happier or whine all the time and resent my life and be miserable. I choose to be grateful which is harder- but it has hope in it.

To be honest, sometimes these overlap and I find myself whining just after feeling grateful and I have to bring my thoughts into the captivity of Christ... however, in general, I try to be upbeat and positive. No mean feat with fibromyalgia, heart and spinal problems.

Gratefulness is a discipline worth cultivating in order to live our life well. Gratefulness will enhance our life and help us overcome our health trials.

It takes practice, it takes prayer, it takes self control- but it is a discipline worth the effort in order to have a good life albeit a painful one.

Every moment of every day equates to our life and it is imperative that we try to focus on anything that is positive, good, noble and right. If we don't, we will be miserable as well as in pain.

Gratefulness is difficult to practise, and positivity is sometimes impossible, but in order to look over our life at the end of the day,and acknowledge that it is good, it is a discipline worth fighting for.

Thank You, God for forgiving me!

My mother died of dementia two years ago. My brother lived with her all his life, so when she became ill, he became her carer.

Just before it finally became necessary for her to go into a nursing home, my brother had a severe heart attack and so Mum came to stay with us while he was in hospital.

I remember this chapter of my life so well, and it is a shameful time for me and one I regret. Forgiven, yes, but I can't forget the way I treated her during that week.

We had just moved into a new rented home and we were extremely stressed. Mum was missing my brother and was concerned about him. Every five minutes she would ask if I would ring the hospital and enquire about him. I would tell her that we already rang and they said he was resting comfortably after having a stent put in.

I reassured Mum that as soon as he was allowed visitors, we would take her to visit him.Which we did. But still she fretted and wanted to go see him. After a while, it got very wearying.

The room where Mum was staying in had a holland blind that had chains for putting up or down, and when I took a cup of tea into her, I noticed the blind edge at the bottom had been pulled off.

Not even unpacked yet, I was upset that already we had damaged a new house. I realised that Mum had pulled it down instead of using the chain tracking. When I asked her if she had done it, she declared it wasn't her- it just broke. She was like a little child found with her hand in the cookie jar. To my shame, I was less than gracious to her.

She was on medication for a urinary tract infection and half an hour after I gave her her tablets, she said she felt nauseous. I quickly ran to the laundry and grabbed a bucket for her, but she shouted at me that she was not going to use that... and promptly started gagging.

I quickly guided her to the nearby toilet and lifted the seat up for her, but she refused to vomit into the toilet and in fact swung her head from side to side, projectile vomiting all over the walls and floor.

It was all so unnecessary, and as I cleaned her up and then cleaned up the toilet, I did so in a bad humour. I asked her how hard was it to use the bucket I had brought to her and pointed out the awful mess that I had to clean... and as my fibromyalgia was bad and my spoons scarce, I was very ticked off with her and having to clean it up.

Mum hung her head, and said quietly, "Well I used to clean up after you!" It brought me undone. I cried and held her and told her I loved her. It was a good hour before I could stop crying as I saw Mum as she was- a woman in a child's body, scared of what was happening to her and scared of me!

Later, we were at the table and I was trying to coax Mum to eat. She was a stubborn woman with a will of iron, and as I cut her bread and butter up to make egg soldiers, I realised that she was losing her battle fast. Her body no longer knew how to eat. The long goodbye was getting shorter. She was dying!

I cried before the LORD when I was in the bathroom, torn between grief and guilt for losing my temper with Mum. I had never done that before or since, but I stayed there until I felt calm again and purposed to be kinder to her.

Fortunately for Mum, she had forgotten that I had been cross and happily did a tour of inspection of the new house, holding my hand in case she got lost. She didn't know how to get back to her room or kitchen.

Although Mum had forgotten about it, I hadn't and to this day, I still feel ashamed of my lack of patience. I know God has forgiven me, and graciously arranged that when she passed, she was holding my hand and peaceful. It was healing for me and good for her.

Even so, there are times when I am grieving for her that I wish I could live that day again. I would be much nicer and kinder. Thank You, God for forgiving me!

Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent. Psalm 71:9

A Sister in Christ

Just recently, Chris and I have found ourselves in need. He has been unwell for a few months and a CT scan has not given us any answers to his pain.

Our general practitioner has referred Chris for a cardiac CT scan as suggested in the report following his first scan. There are some plaques in his coronary arteries which require investigation.

Now here in Australia when one is on the Aged Pension as we are, most scans are bulk billed to Medicare, however this one is not and will cost $500 with no rebate. We don't have that amount.

I have been in a group for Christian women for about 12 years, and as is my custom, I asked for prayer for Chris, telling the Sisters that we could not afford his scan at the moment. To my surprise, they all wanted to help, and in the space of 12 hours, they had deposited the entire $500 into my PayPal account.

Chris and I were overwhelmed with gratitude, especially knowing that this was a big sacrifice for many of the women. Whilst we praised the LORD for providing the funds, we also thanked the Sisters as we marveled at their generosity. I was able to reschedule the scan for December 21.

In 40 years of walking in the faith, I have never personally been touched as much by the kindness, generosity and graciousness of these Sisters in Christ. Not only have they been faithful in prayer but in deed.

As Chris said to me, they are truly walking the walk and not just talking the talk. Not only did we receive agreements to pray for Chris, but practical help in the procuring of this important scan.

I have shared this picture before, but it now speaks to me of the kind and godly Sisters in Christ who found it in their hearts to share with us from their own meagre purses.

Chris and I are humbled and grateful and praising of those wonderful women who are more than a friend, but a Sister in Christ.

Blessed is he who considers the poor; The LORD will deliver him in time of trouble. Psalm 41:1