Morning Cuppas With Glenys : abuse

Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts

A three-fold cord

In marriage, life can have its ups and downs. There will be challenging times, disagreements, disappointments and illnesses to deal with. Such are the viscitudes of life..

But before we make our marriage vows to love each other faithfully in good times and bad, in sickness and health till death do us part- we should be sure that this enduring love and responsibility is one we are ready to pursue. forever.

It is sad that some couples when faced with adversity crumble under the strain and will or cannot face it together united as a couple.

Being there for each other is a given in marriage. It is the prerequisite in a solid relationship that we regard our marriage as inviolable as a place of trust, care, faithfulness and of course love.

There may be times when we feel that we do not love our spouse or care enough and this can be a time of severe testing and temptation.

Not only temptation to leave the relationship, but to replace our spouse with someone more accommodating.

During a dry spell in a marriage, I think it is imperative that one seeks out the LORD for comfort and understanding. We know He loves us and wants the best for us.

Often our emotions can make us say or do things that we regret and it is better to pray about it rather than say something that can never be taken back.

So many Christian couples are giving up on their marriage and unless there is severe abuse, I believe it is better we try to work out our problems in our own home. I don't believe in trial separations.

As a woman who has been married twice in marriages of 25 and 26 years, I know life can break us and make us feel like we are unable to love or are unloved. But I also know that what seems like the end of loving feelings can change with time.

Ask God's help to keep keeping on, and for love to prevail, and until then, guard your marriage from outside interference and guard your spouses' back.

You really have to handle marital problems like any other- with prayer. I know when couples include the LORD in their marriage that He is our great Helper. With Him and us and our spouse, a three-fold cord is not easily broken.

And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

Don't relinquish your role!

As you probably know, in my first 25 year marriage, I was an abused wife. But along with physical abuse, I was daily subjected to disrespect and psychological stress.

By the time I was married for about 15 years, I was broken physically and emotionally. I was in hospital frequently for a spinal disease called Sheurmann's Disease, and for surgery to remove kidney stones. Each time I came home, the disrespect was worse.

After a few years of this, I noticed that my daughter, who was a teenager at the time, was changing her attitude towards me. She became cheeky and sassy and answered me back constantly. Whenever I appealed for some backup from her father, he would defend her. I felt isolated and lonely in my own home.

As she grew older, I noticed that they both talked more than he and I did, and there was a definite bond and camaraderie. I felt like the third wheel.

In the morning I would make my beds and maintain my home, and when my daughter came home from school, she would pull them all back and redo them, stating that they weren't made properly.

Often my ex-husband would come home to unmade beds and he would start screaming at me, swearing and calling me horrid names. He didn't believe me when I told him I had made them and that she had pulled them back for me to make again. Honestly, with my ill health, once a day was enough for me to find the strength to make them.

In the end, I didn't make them, letting her do them when she got home from school. It was just wasting my precious spoons (energy) for nothing- they would be remade and I would get a tongue lashing regardless.

I think this was where the rug was pulled from under my feet. I gradually was treated like a naughty child by both my ex-husband and my eldest daughter. In fact when we were moving house and it was time to choose the colours and tiles etc, they conferred and I was just informed what it would be.

To say that I was not mistress of my own home is an understatement. I was an annoying lazy freeloader according to them. I couldn't work outside the home and they begrudged me anything at all.

When finally I could no longer keep any food down due to fear and depression, and sick of punched arms and bruises, I decided to leave. And in my confusion, I grabbed some clothes pegs with my clothes and this was duly reported to her father who demanded them to be returned.

I don't believe even today that there was any sexual connection with my daughter and her father, but there was a bond that cemented them together, but which excluded me. And I was powerless to change it and my cries for marriage counselling fell on deaf ears. It became too much.

Truly, three in a marriage is never what God intended. Nor did He intend for a man to cleave to his daughter and deny his wife due regard and respect. It is not a normal marriage.

So why do I tell you this? you ask. Because you must find the strength to fight being made an outsider in your role as a wife, mother and home maker. You simply must demand respect from your husband, even if it exhausts you. You must insist on respect from your children.

I wish I had been aware of this earlier and been firmer, but I can only say that I was beaten down so badly by him and chronic illness, that I could hardly stand. Start defending your right to be a wife and a respected mother. Your role is ordained by God. Don't relinquish it.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

“I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them.." Isaiah 3:4

A marriage that's too hard to handle

I have found that emotional abuse in a marriage leads to physical illnesses that in turn destroy a woman's life. That therefore equates to the same thing as physical abuse.

In searching for help in my marriage I approached a godly older woman- a pastor's wife after I was violently raped by my ex-husband just five weeks after undergoing major women's surgery... she sided with my husband.... there was no compassion for the abuse in my marriage..

I am so glad that I realised she was biased towards preservation of my marriage as opposed to preservation of myself. I was thrown into the lions den with no thought as to my safety. I now have PTSD...

I would therefore advise an abused wife-either physical or emotional abuse- to leave for a time until or if the husband submits to church discipline or agrees to marriage counselling and then to approach a reconciliation only after proof of repentance.

It is simply too detrimental to a woman's health to stay in an abusive marriage without any hope of improvement. It is simply too hard to handle...

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14

I will not be laughing!

Those of us who have been Christians for some time have probably been the butt of jokes of unsaved family and friends. We are often openly laughed at and made fun of. It can be depressing as well as humiliating.

Recently when I was clearing out my mother's belongings after she passed, a little plaque my mother had with "God Is Love" on it was passed down from her display cabinet. People who were helping wanted to throw it out into the give away to charity pile. Then one of them started laughing and said, "Sure, He is! huh, who wants this?" (laugh laugh)- then she said, "Oh give it to Glenys, she'll take it cos she believes in this sh*t!" Feeling a tad hot faced, I took it and put it in my handbag to take home with me. Their smirks weren't lost on me either! (No fool like an old fool, right?)

Likewise, when cleaning out the bookshelf, they saw the old but well preserved Bible and were going to pitch it out. I hurriedly sprang forward and claimed it, much to their enjoyment. It went alongside my handbag to find its way to my home where it would be put in a place of honour and easily accessed.

Just recently I had an irate family member declare that she won't follow my posts on Face Book because they "are too religious" and she "doesn't think it's right to have it up on Face Book". However, I would prefer to see them than her endless selfies and pictures of her rather prominently displayed bust. Come to think of it, maybe this was the reason my estranged brother unfriended me from his Face Book yesterday. How he describes Christians is unprintable here....

All in all, I sometimes feel that there is a conspiracy amongst unsaved family and friends in keeping our faith at arms length, and any chance to degrade, hurt, ridicule and humiliate us is taken. We are fair game, people. Yet we cannot change our life style, if we truly believe.

If we believe, we will be Christ-like, and to the unsaved, this is a threat. For Christ-likeness shines His light over their darkness, and they are exposed. This is very disconcerting to the person whose heart is far from being saved. But rather than retreat, we must advance and keep being faithful. Who else knows them like we do? Who else but us bearing Christ in us, would want to see them saved? Who would forgive? Who would pray? And yes, even love them?

It's not easy being a Christian today, especially with unsaved family and friends. We will have an extra cross to bear in humiliation, we will have our faith tested and our resolve to be loving will be sorely tried. And if the one who is unsaved and antagonistic to our faith, is our spouse, a sword will pierce through our heart over and over again.

We dare not take this treatment and derision to heart, for if we do, we may never see our loved ones come to Christ. We may not know that the Holy Spirit is wooing that person and that the barbs and derision are coming to the fore because of a spiritual battle within him or her. It often happens like that. No matter what happens, I must forgive and try to forget the laughter at my expense.

I cannot change who I am now. I am Christ's, Who was also laughed at as He was whipped and stripped and refused to save Himself by coming off the cross. The die is cast for me, my path is clear. I am moving forward in spite of the jests and guffaws. Let them laugh: we'll have the last one!

But I will be praying for them to be saved for the sad thing is that them going to Hell's not funny and I will not be laughing!

And the people stood looking on. But even the rulers with them sneered, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if He is the Christ, the chosen of God.” Luke 23:35

Seeking Him in a meltdown

So today I was watching all the news and viewing You Tube videos of current events and I grew fearful.The adrenaline started flowing and I knew that I had to get some control back to my body if possible.

I quickly turned on my worship music. I started to cry as flashbacks of God's faithfulness and goodness over my whole life time flashed before my eyes. Oh how faithful and good He's been to me!

With a life of many trials and much pain due to fibromyalgia, I can confidently testify that my God has been there beside me, comforting, correcting, forgiving and being so so compassionate and kind! Sometimes walking beside me and often carrying me.

Trauma, illness and abuse have given me PTSD but even so, I never once have failed to sense God's Presence, so real that I could almost feel His breath and touch of His Hand.

But being a sufferer of many illnesses including mental illness, I have learned that it is essential to run to Jesus the minute fear or pain or flashbacks assault my peace. And I have learned that it is true that one has to bring those fearful thoughts or emotions in to the captivity of Christ. So I sprang into action.

I sat in my study, closed my eyes and listened to the words of the song that explains exactly how I feel about my God. And slowly the adrenaline abated as the peace that passes all understanding overtook my stressed body.

As I focussed on worship, I didn't hear Chris come in and it wasn't until he took my hand and started to sing along with me that I knew he was near. Not a word was needed to explain why I sat crying with upheld arms and mouthing those words of gratitude and praise.

Holding Chris' hand, I realised once again how blessed I was by the LORD in giving me a Christian husband who knows to bring his hurts and fears to God and bring his thoughts into the captivity of Christ. And who encourages his damaged soul mate to do the same, by his example.

It's important to keep our focus on God's goodness and faithfulness in times of fear and trouble. It's the only way we are going to regain our peace and equilibrium. So are you seeking Him in a meltdown?

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

A marriage made in Heaven

So today is our 23rd wedding anniversary. I am so pleased to tell you that in spite of it being a bumpy ride sometimes owing to family illnesses and drama, we are still very much in love- and grateful to the LORD.

We both believe God brought us together, and it is no coincidence that two weeks after we both prayed for a partner, we met.

I had been living alone for three years after divorcing my violent ex-husband and for the last few months before meeting Chris, I had gone out with a girlfriend I met at Business College. It was easier for us both to go out together, rather than a woman by herself.

Longing for a husband, I remember praying to God and asking Him to find a mate for me. I was feeling desperately alone and I wore that loneliness like a cloak of gloom over my shoulders. In this prayer, I asked God to help me enjoy my life if it was His will that I remain single.

Rising up from my knees, I felt a sense of hope and purpose, and although the prayer was just uttered, I felt happier and more content. Anyway, back to my friend.

This friend was very hospitable and we often shared a meal at each other's home. She had car problems, and as Chris had been an Automobile Association Road Patrolman in England, and a Royal Automobile Club Victoria Road Patrolman here in Australia, she thought she would ask him to come have a look at it and stay for dinner.

She asked me if I minded if Chris came for dinner, and as I had decided to make more friends and enjoy my singleness, I said that was fine and thought nothing more about it until that evening.

So when I arrived for dinner, Chris was already there and he was seated in the kitchen. I know it is cliche, but it was love at first sight. We were engaged in 2 months and married a year later.

To this day, Chris insists it was a set up, but I can honestly say it wasn't an earthly setup, but we believe it was a heavenly appointment.

As it turned out, Chris came home from work and was feeling alone and despondent. He too wanted a wife- someone to love him, and he prayed. His prayer was almost identical to mine and we worked out it was at about the same time!

Such was the chemistry between us that our courtship and engagement was a whirlwind romance! We knew it was the LORD'S doing.

From day one, I have been at Chris's side, working as his jockey in his Courier business. We got to know each other very well and have literally been inseparable.

We were married in the Melbourne Registry Office 27th June 1998, and renewed our vows with pastors three years ago after my ex-husband passed. This was to include the LORD officially in our marriage as the Registry Office wedding was very quick and clinical.

We did not get to recite our own vows or include the LORD which was a disappointment to us. So we made it right, even though we lived out our marriage with Him included from day one.

So today we both reflect on the rapidity of those 24 years since we met and our 23 years of marriage, and we see the LORD'S Hand in it. We have weathered many a storm, yet the good ship Hicks is still very much afloat.

God has healed us of past hurts in our first marriages: I have learned that there are good kind men in the world and Chris has learned that there are women who love their husbands and are faithful to their vows.

With grateful hearts, we bless and thank the LORD for His goodness and compassion to us in giving us a marriage made in Heaven.

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. Isaiah 30:18

Sometimes you just have to move to another beach

So, I was just sitting having a cuppa, thinking about previous years, mulling over my life. It seems that when you are nearing 70 that you have the time and length of years to do so.

My beloved husband, Chris has just turned 71, and I was reflecting on our 23 years of marriage and I was quietly thanking the LORD for him.

As often happens, my mind reflected on the different ways this marriage has blessed me, and it suddenly dawned on me that the reason for my divorce was not that I was a bad wife to my ex-husband.

You probably already know that I had a very violent 25 year marriage and it resulted in such trauma and loss of self esteem and confidence, that I seriously thought I would remain single for life.

Then three years after I left my ex-husband, I met Chris. He is an answer to prayer, and he tells me I am to him. A year later, we married. It is so very different from the first marriage, but I am basically the same type of wife to Chris. And he loves me.

I wondered why I was so detested and disrespected by my ex-husband, especially as my behaviour was loving and respectful to him. I prayed constantly for him, went to marriage counselling at church by myself, and believed that one day he would love me and not take his anger out on me. Yet, no matter how much I tried to please him in all things, he never was happy.

Truly, I think over the years, I wore more food than he ate, and cooking for him was nerve wracking. Yet Chris finds my cooking good and never complains. So it wasn't that.

Often I would try to find out how I could please my ex-husband and he would never tell me what was wrong. He would tell me how awful a personality I had and that I had to change, and when I asked him what specifically annoyed him for me to change and ask forgiveness for, he wouldn't give me an answer.

This not only led to anxiety/panic attacks, but seriously eroded any modicum of confidence I had after my traumatic childhood.

Such was my morbid introspection, that I ended up unable to eat and eventually unable to stop shaking. I spent a day in a psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed with extreme stress/anxiety and advised to leave my errant husband.

After years of telling me I was crazy whenever I reacted to his abuse and punches, he had the gall to demand I come home as I wasn't crazy and didn't need hospitalisation. I was discharged into my GP's care and left my ex-husband after another 7 years of trying to win him over and have a happy marriage.

The night before I left, I told him how unhappy I was. I also asked him to go to marriage counselling with me or I would be leaving in the morning. He told me he wasn't going because he had done nothing wrong and it was all my fault that he hated me. He said I could divorce him but he wasn't going to pay for it. I did.

That morning after he went to work, I filled two garbage bags with my clothes and baby albums and Bible, and left. I was shattered and heart-broken that he wouldn't take any responsibility and when that happens, it is pretty certain that their heart is no longer in staying married.

I went to business college and later got a job, a nice home and some confidence. But the trauma and head messing left me empty, and sad that I had invested 25 long years in a marriage where I was never loved or even wanted. It left me afraid that he would be proven correct in that I would live alone forever, without even knowing what was wrong with me. It also left me with PTSD.

With a very happy marriage of 23 years this coming Sunday, my conclusions are that no matter how much you try to appease an abuser, no matter how much you turn yourself inside out for answers to improve yourself, no matter how you look, or talk, or cook, or save, or mother, or clean or love, you will never do enough to please them. And you can't ever please them because they don't want to be placated.

Sadly, sometimes to save yourself, you just have to pick up your beach umbrella, shake off the sand, and move to another beach.

He delivers me from my enemies.You also lift me up above those who rise against me; You have delivered me from the violent man. Psalm 18:48

Dying for a hug

Ever since childhood, I have been a person who loves close contact. I needed to be loved, but sadly that was something that I longed for, but never received as a child, then as a young adult.

Now nearly 70 years old, I have been diagnosed with depression, post traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder and fibromyalgia, to which there is a link with childhood abuse.

Like trying to lose weight after taking medications for hyothyroidism, my current happy marriage and constant hugs and demonstrative affection, has not been able to erradicate the damage that was done in my childhood.

Open affection was something denied to me until I left my abusive husband after 25 years of hell and met Chris. During the 4 years between leaving my ex husband and meeting and marrying Chris, I felt so very alone.

I was never alone, not even in the womb, and being solo was strange and difficult for me. I was enveloped by a loneliness that draped itself around my shoulders like a wet soggy cloak of despair.

The only physical contact I had was at church, where we passed the peace, hugged our friends and received a chaste kiss on the cheek. I lived for that brief time every week.

I have read of an experiment that denied newborns affection, and each of the babies died. Perhaps this lack of affection was something that effected adults too. I know it was a big part in my becoming pregnant at 16, taken in by a man who told me he loved me. He started his abuse as soon as the ink dried on the marriage certificate and still continued (long distance) even after the ink dried on the divorce papers.

It is a blessing that Chris knows all my past and understands me, for even today I cannot bear to be outside at night. This is due to the fact that we often had to vacate our warm beds in the early hours of the morning with Dad chasing us in a drunken state, throwing beer bottles at us as we fled. Once it gets night, I feel anxious if I am not home and settled.

I am talking to you about this not for pity but a warning that hugs, kisses, cuddles, affectionate voices and other demonstrations of love is critical for a child's development. To give a child a happy childhood peppered with demonstrations of love and oodles of hugs is the best thing you can give them- more important than expensive toys.

During this enforced staying at home, let's make an effort to be demonstrative in our affections. Let's hug our children often, hold hands with our husband and nurture the need for touch and feeling loved.

"But what if my husband is not the affectionate sort?" you ask. Love him anyway, even if he is surprised by it. It will benefit not only your marriage, but your children. And who knows, you might even find that underneath the hesitation to show affection, he is starved for it, and is dying for a hug.

Titus 2:4-5 “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”

Let's abound in love

We all have seen the craziness of panicking selfish people in the last few weeks of the Corona Virus scare. People have been hurt and nearly killed over something as basic as toilet paper.

But that is not the way of Christians. We are called to increase and abound in love one toward another. We seem to forget that God is called Jehovah Jireh... the God Who provides. And He will.

We must follow the path of our Saviour in being selfless and looking out for others' interests. No loading shopping trolleys full of food or another essential and leaving nothing for others.

Times are stressful and we don't know what each day will bring, but it hasn't caught Jesus by surprise. His promises to be with us and to provide for us are still ours today.

Let us hold tight our confession of faith in Jesus. He will not fail us, and we can't fail others. Let us purpose to abound in love one toward another and show the world that we are not only a people of faith, but of love and compassion.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men, even as we do toward you: To the end he may stablish your hearts unblameable in holiness before God, even our Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ with all his saints. 1 Thessalonians 3:12

What to do when fear's gone viral

So, there's hardly a person alive today who hasn't heard of the Corona Virus. With the internet spewing its' fear over us and then word of mouth, it is by far the most heard of influenza virus of our time! And the fear of this virus has gone viral.

I won't lie to you that I haven't been afraid of contracting the virus. I have. I also have many co-morbidities that preclude me having a quick recovery, or even recovering.

For starters, I am a senior woman. I have a very weak heart that requires yet another stent to join my three already placed there thirteen years ago. A hole in the heart means that my right lung in particular is not oxygenating properly. I am asthmatic and have weakened lungs because of having had pneumonia three times. Plus I have diabetes 2 and am obese. All these co-morbidities do not bode well for me if I were to contract the Corona Virus.

So you can guess that I have been fearful of it. So much so that I locked myself in my study and spent a couple of hours before the LORD in confession and prayer. And I came out of that room a changed woman spiritually.

How have I changed in such a short time? you ask. Because I momentarily lost sight of who I am in relation to God, and more importantly, Who He is.

He is sovereign and I am His Child. He even calls me "friend".

Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.

He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5

My life is in His Hands and it is His good pleasure to either stop me getting this virus or taking me Home. I briefly forgot this important fact.

We are told not to be anxious and it is very hard not to be. So what do we do?

We confess our fear
We repent of fear
We look at the promises of God
We praise God for His promises and
We believe He will keep them
We worship God
We praise Him
We refute fearful thoughts

Now as a woman with post-traumatic stress disorder, panic/anxiety disorder and plain bad nerves, I know how hard it is to stay calm in the current situation. But, I am here to tell you that it can be done. But you must take the time to actually go to God and place your fears at His feet. Then look up!

Make a practice of refuting fearful thoughts and force yourself to think of your blessings. Claim God's promises for you as His Child. He's not going to push you away because you are afraid. And by His Blood, He has provided a way out of sin. It's called grace!

Read the scriptures, listen to uplifting worship music. Watch uplifting podcasts of your favourite sermons. Go outside and listen to the birds or look at the stars. Be assured that you are of more value than a sparrow and that God has you in the palm of His Hand.

Finally, take a break from social media, watching the News and reading the newspapers. The media are to blame a lot for us being so nervous and have caused panic buying.

These are some things I have put into effect in my own home and are some suggestions of what to do when fear's gone viral...

When I was a small child and lived in fear, I learned Psalm 91 off by heart and would recite it to help myself go to sleep... it still calms my pounding heart... have a read for yourself and take it to heart:

"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day, nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for destruction that wasteth at noonday. A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee. Only with thine yes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked. Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; there shall no evil befall thee. Neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling." Psalm 91:1-10

Balance in all things!

All my writings are a call for common sense and balance in Jesus’ Name! Jesus taught balance in all His sermons. In every thing we should weigh up what is written against the Word of God and not take any persons' message as gospel.

In particular, I am speaking of Debi and Michael Pearls' teachings in their books To Train Up A Child and Created To Be His Helpmeet. After reading them, some people rave of benefits to their marriage and in child training, while most are floundering in guilt because nothing is helping and this is quite often, because the Pearls imply that mostly the woman has the power to change things. Obviously, God is the One Who changes things and all other efforts are doomed to failure. Reliance on God is not stressed in the books, in fact, self-reliance are preached. Talk about building your house on the sand!

However, there is a grain of truth in their books. Let’s acknowledge what little is good in these books, but try and put out the fire of damage that it has the potential of doing in the lives of those who take the Pearls advice to the extreme…I know without a doubt that there will be people who are hurt by over zealous application of some of the basically unsound and unscriptural suggestions regarding suffering in marriage and in child training!

I will write about them as long as they are selling their books, because Christian families are being hurt by their ministry.

We need to pray for these wives and children…they will be the ones suffering whilst the few who report good changes in their marriages and family rejoice! Only the LORD will know how many really will profit by these applications.

Before you follow any ministry, weigh it up by what the Word says. Is it biblical? Is it loving? Is it something Jesus would do? Line it up in the Word and pray about it before implementing it. Balance in all things is critical...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Psalm 82:3

Don't relinquish your role

As you probably know, in my first 25 year marriage, I was an abused wife. But along with physical abuse, I was daily subjected to disrespect and psychological stress.

“I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them.." Isaiah 3:4

Silent wings

As you probably know, Chris and I have been married before. He was deserted as she went with her boss, and I was severely abused. The emotional pain of separation took its' toll on us, especially as they both were long marriages..

We never really achieved true bonding with our first spouses (because they didn't love us), but twenty-one years after our marrying, we are still amazed at the depth of intimacy in our marriage. We guard our marriage and both of us believe it is our first priority after God...

Our marriage must be our first priority after God for like any relationship, they can slowly die off if not tended. It is like air from a tyre: a slow leak can eventually do as much damage as a blow out!

We love a particular song by Tina Turner called On Silent Wings. It describes exactly what can happen in a marriage that is not tended... We never want to find ourselves in a loveless marriage again and we purposely cultivate intimacy- and I am not talking only of sex, even though that is important to enhance it. I am talking of spiritual bonding, cleaving and longing for each other... the hallmark of a successful marriage...

Becoming one is God's plan for marriage, and cleaving to each other is critical to its' survival. Today with so many things pulling us away from home, it is easy to become complacent about our marriage and eventually it can fizzle out.

"Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." Ephesians 5:33

Of all things in this world, attending to our marriage is critical. It deserves our best effort because not only has God ordained it, but our family and home depend on it. Marriage is the foundation of civilisation .... let's make sure ours is a good one with no silent wings...

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

Focus on love

What are we, as Christian parents, to think and more importantly do when Godly discipline turns deadly and a little child is senselessly killed at the hand of his parents desperately hoping only to "train up a child in the way he should go"?

Nearly four years ago, I wrote about out the death of Sean Paddock at the hand of his mother, Lynn Paddock. Paddock was eventually convicted of her son's murder.

A week ago another couple, Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz, were charged with the death of their seven year old daughter, Lydia. Her eleven year old sister, Zariah, was recently released from the hospital. The parents are scheduled to appear in court in just a few days.

These two tragic events have at least one common thread - the teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl. Those that have been reading my blog for a while know that I have written multiple posts critical of the Pearls and their child training and marriage materials.

In one very lengthy and detailed post, A Switch or A Cross, I wrote about the lack of clarity in the Pearl's teachings, including methods which I feared could lead loving well-intentioned parents, especially mothers, to extreme disciplinary actions toward their own children. I wrote,

After listening to Mr. Pearl at a seminar a few years ago, I came away with a very different interpretation than what I had when I only read the book To Train Up a Child and some newsletters. As everyone does, I took my background and applied it to the material. After the seminar, I realized my idea of training was very different than Mr. Pearls. His method of training and answers to specific questions were not exactly what I thought appropriate in many areas. I began to realize that if I could misinterpret it so could others. While my misinterpretation may not be harmful some else's very well could be. I don't know what is going on in other homes.

Now consider what Laura Mather, a friend of the Schatz family, wrote about Lydia's mother,

"Elizabeth, the mother, is possibly the warmest person I’ve ever known. One of the hardest things for me, has been squaring the soft, meek woman I know with the hard cold fact of a dead child (and another who was at that time critically injured and fighting for her life).

Her feelings capture exactly why I stopped reading and recommending the Pearl's material. As parents, most of us could never imagine the possibility that within a mother we know lies the potential to harm. But the deceptively alluring promise of complete obedience and sinless perfection does indeed lead parents astray and, in the worst cases, do the unthinkable. Especially when you have an author like Michael Pearl admonishing parents in very emphatic terms not to reject his teaching,

"If you do not see the wisdom in what I have said, and you reject these concepts, you are not fit to be a parent. I pity your children. They will never experience the freedom of soul and conscience that mine do."

And just what is this wise counsel that will make us fit to parent and will liberate our children's soul and conscience? Never show mercy, not even one time.

Consistency on your part will break that habit in just a few days. Never threaten, and never show mercy. One squeak of a scream gets a switching. (NGJ, Vol 1, pg 26)

The idea that a parent is never to show mercy is absurd and leaves only the choice of a rod as the solution to childish infractions. To Schatz that allegedly meant showing no mercy to her daughter for "mispronouncing a word during a homeschool reading lesson."

However, contrary to Pearl's self-proclaimed wisdom, God's Word says clearly that mercy has a definite place and judgment is reserved for those who never show any,

Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!" James 2:13

Laura's husband, Paul Mather, on his blog and in Salon pleads for the Christian church to speak up and speak out.

"I would love to see the people rise up and say no to the Pearls, that this will not stand. I would love to see the Pearl system become anathema, disgusting, and shunned by the world. I would love to see the Pearls out of a job. Before another child dies."

I said no to the Pearls years ago and will once again add my voice to the Mathers, TulipGirl, Timberdoodle, Karen Campbell, Virginia Knowles and a growing chorus that pleads, enough!

Homeschooling father, author, and conference speaker, Rob Shearer commented on the recent tragedy and summed it all up very nicely,

Every child is a precious gift from God and dear to His heart. Even when they stomp their feet and disobey – it is a misguided sense of pride to think that this in anyway impugns our position, dignity, or competence as parents.

Focus on love – not on creating an image of obedience and perfection. by Spunky of Spunky Homeschool

Blessings, Glenys

For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment. James 2:1