Let it go

As you know, I suffer from PTSD from a traumatic abusive childhood and my first marriage full of violence. It is not easy to get over, but it is possible.

I used to agonise over why it was so and why me and it would literally sap me of any joy in life now. 

25 years of marriage with my present  husband has shown me that life can be wonderful and that I am loveable.

It was only through realising that it didn't matter "why and why me?" were destroying the present joy that I decided to leave it in the past. I let it go..

My peace is palpable and my joy is deep since I let it go. I cried it out and prayed about it and the LORD filled me with peace.

Let it go.. give  it to God and then get up, and move forward. Your mental state effects your physical, and spiritual.

Letting the past go will see you enjoy a much better and victorious life.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

Kingdom Words

                        

When I was young growing up in a house of alcoholics  I often heard profanities and swearing. Even at a young age, I hated it and grew up to be anxious hearing it.

With their sobriety, however temporary, came a respite from words of filth and it was a welcome time of reasonable peace.

Later on in my first marriage, I was the target of abusive filthy comments punctuated by blasphemies. It was soul destroying. I longed for the peace that wholesome words brought.

The words of the world, especially of the base world where God is not a holy word, but a blasphemed expletive, and people are described in terms that would make a sailor blush- do not edify, but bring the hearers  down. 

Words are so powerful and can be used for good or evil. They can be as sharp as a sword, piercing through one's heart, remembered for all time. Or they can be a soothing balm.

The scriptures tell us the power of words are so effective that we are to choose our words wisely, edifying and building up only. We are to have kindness on our tongue at all times.

The words we speak will show what is in our heart and soul. We will be judged for every idle word we have ever spoken.

Words that uplift us and that calm us and give us peace are what I term "Kingdom Words"...

Let's think of that peace by reading some Kingdom Words in the Bible, of which there are thousands. I have selected a few for illustration...

 

grace, forgiveness, mercy, love, justice, righteousness, holiness, kindness, honesty, peace, hope, joy, faithfulness, gentleness, humility...

 

Let us cultivate our speech to be a blessing to the hearers and let us train ourselves to reject the use of questionable and hateful language.. Let "Kingdom Words" have dominion in our vocabulary and bless others with them.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Proverbs 18:21

Only God can change your man!

My childhood was not a really good one. My father was an alcoholic and Mum's brother who lived with us was also one. Anger and domestic violence were our lot, especially on weekends.

My mother particularly hated drink and was a tea-totaller herself. I wondered why she married Dad as they were not really well suited. But I think Mum made the fatal mistake of thinking that her love would be stronger than the alcohol and that she would change him after they were married.

Unfortunately, the alcohol was stronger than his love for her, and Mum became a vicious shrew to him and us children.

The more Mum tried to change Dad, the more he rebelled and I can still remember him sitting in his armchair in the lounge room. He would look thoughtfully at the glass of beer he was holding and say loudly, 'I am what I am!' and Mum would taunt him by singing "Nowhere man!" to him. We would then have to flee late at night with Dad throwing beer bottles at us as we frantically ran down the street.

I know God can miraculously deliver people from alcoholism, but unfortunately Dad only gave it up when he had open heart surgery at the tender age of 50. He died six weeks later...

I didn't pick up on the red flags in my own hasty marriage in 1969. At the tender age of 16 I got engaged, became pregnant and married two months later. It was a marriage that nearly didn't take place.

As I said, I should have seen the red flags: the cruelty to animals, the bashing of homosexuals: (before I met him, but he bragged about it), the talking over me, and the strong will that was overbearing. Well, I think I did see those flags, as after a particularly nasty argument, I decided I would break the engagement. 

I was a little hesitant to do that because my period was late.  I broke my parents' hearts when I told them the result was positive and they offered me a view options.

• They would arrange an abortion: no way would I abort a child. Besides, I was hoping that my child  perhaps would love *this* love-starved child.

• They would keep the child and raise it as their own: they would have to be kidding- I was already planning the nursery in a home where there would be peace. After all, love would conquer all once we were married...

• Or they would arrange a hasty marriage... that was the option I took.

But there was no peace, for no sooner had the confetti blown away than the abuse started and when I lost those twin girls six months later, I cried for the babies dying and for the mess I was in.

My marriage lasted 25 long years and I had plenty of time to realise that love does not conquer all. It is far better to stay single than be with the wrong person.

If you can't respect him or condone what he does prior to marriage, don't marry him! People do not usually change just because you marry them or you have a child.

Look carefully before you enter into marriage and never think you will have the power to change your husband after you become his wife. 

We are his wife first, not his mother. Wives accept their husbands as they are, they don't train him.

Don't marry him if you have any doubts and think you can change him after, because only God can change your man! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man. Psalm 18:48

Don't relinquish your role!

As you probably know, in my first 25 year marriage, I was an abused wife. But along with physical abuse, I was daily subjected to disrespect and psychological stress.

By the time I was married for about 15 years, I was broken physically and emotionally. I was in hospital frequently for a spinal disease called Sheurmann's Disease, and for surgery to remove kidney stones. Each time I came home, the disrespect was worse.

After a few years of this, I noticed that my daughter, who was a teenager at the time, was changing her attitude towards me. She became cheeky and sassy and answered me back constantly. Whenever I appealed for some backup from her father, he would defend her. I felt isolated and lonely in my own home.

As she grew older, I noticed that they both talked more than he and I did, and there was a definite bond and camaraderie. I felt like the third wheel.

In the morning I would make my beds and maintain my home, and when my daughter came home from school, she would pull them all back and redo them, stating that they weren't made properly.

Often my ex-husband would come home to unmade beds and he would start screaming at me, swearing and calling me horrid names. He didn't believe me when I told him I had made them and that she had pulled them back for me to make again. Honestly, with my ill health, once a day was enough for me to find the strength to make them.

In the end, I didn't make them, letting her do them when she got home from school. It was just wasting my precious spoons (energy) for nothing- they would be remade and I would get a tongue lashing regardless.

I think this was where the rug was pulled from under my feet. I gradually was treated like a naughty child by both my ex-husband and my eldest daughter. In fact when we were moving house and it was time to choose the colours and tiles etc, they conferred and I was just informed what it would be.

To say that I was not mistress of my own home is an understatement. I was an annoying lazy freeloader according to them. I couldn't work outside the home and they begrudged me anything at all.

When finally I could no longer keep any food down due to fear and depression, and sick of punched arms and bruises, I decided to leave. And in my confusion, I grabbed some clothes pegs with my clothes and this was duly reported to her father who demanded them to be returned.

I don't believe even today that there was any sexual connection with my daughter and her father, but there was a bond that cemented them together, but which excluded me. And I was powerless to change it and my cries for marriage counselling fell on deaf ears. It became too much.

Truly, three in a marriage is never what God intended. Nor did He intend for a man to cleave to his daughter and deny his wife due regard and respect. It is not a normal marriage.

So why do I tell you this? you ask. Because you must find the strength to fight being made an outsider in your role as a wife, mother and home maker. You simply must demand respect from your husband, even if it exhausts you. You must insist on respect from your children.

I wish I had been aware of this earlier and been firmer, but I can only say that I was beaten down so badly by him and chronic illness, that I could hardly stand. Start defending your right to be a wife and a respected mother.  Your role is ordained by God. Don't relinquish it.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

“I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them.." Isaiah 3:4

A marriage that's too hard to handle

I have found that emotional abuse in a marriage leads to physical illnesses that in turn destroy a woman's life. That therefore equates to the same thing as physical abuse. 

In searching for help in my marriage I approached a godly older woman- a pastor's wife after I was violently raped by my ex-husband just five weeks after undergoing major women's surgery... she sided with my husband.... there was no compassion for the abuse in my marriage.. 

I am so glad that I realised she was biased towards preservation of my marriage as opposed to preservation of myself. I was thrown into the lions den with no thought as to my safety. I now have PTSD... 

I would therefore advise an abused wife-either physical or emotional abuse- to leave for a time until or if the husband submits to church discipline or agrees to marriage counselling and then to approach a reconciliation only after proof of repentance.

It is simply too detrimental to a woman's health to stay in an abusive marriage without any hope of improvement. It is simply too hard to handle...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14

Kingdom Words

When I was young growing up in a house of alcoholics  I often heard profanities and swearing. Even at a young age, I hated it and grew up to be anxious hearing it.

With their sobriety, however temporary, came a respite from words of filth and it was a welcome time of reasonable peace.

Later on in my first marriage, I was the target of abusive filthy comments punctuated by blasphemies. It was soul destroying. I longed for the peace that wholesome words brought.

The words of the world, especially of the base world where God is not a holy word, but a blasphemed expletive, and people are described in terms that would make a sailor blush- do not edify, but bring the hearers  down. 

Words are so powerful and can be used for good or evil. They can be as sharp as a sword, piercing through one's heart, remembered for all time. Or they can be a soothing balm.

The scriptures tell us the power of words are so effective that we are to choose our words wisely, edifying and building up only. We are to have kindness on our tongue at all times.

The words we speak will show what is in our heart and soul. We will be judged for every idle word we have ever spoken.

Words that uplift us and that calm us and give us peace are what I term "Kingdom Words"...

Let's think of that peace by reading some Kingdom Words in the Bible, of which there are thousands. I have selected a few for illustration...

 

grace, forgiveness, mercy, love, justice, righteousness, holiness, kindness, honesty, peace, hope, joy, faithfulness, gentleness, humility...

Let us cultivate our speech to be a blessing to the hearers and let us train ourselves to reject the use of questionable and hateful language.. Let "Kingdom Words" have dominion in our vocabulary and bless others with them.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Proverbs 18:21

Repentance is good for the soul

There are many things in life that can break us. Illness, loss, grief, depression, divorce to mention just a few. But often it is sin that breaks us the most: and unlike some other things that break us, time does not make it easier. As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent. Revelation 3:19

That is why repentance is so important. We need to repent as soon as the Holy Spirit convicts us of our sin, for if we don't, we give a foothold to the evil one. He takes great delight in making us feel estranged from God and hopeless. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. 2 Corinthians 7:10

Of course, God is not distancing Himself from us- we do that when we are conscious of sinning. So it is imperative that we come to Christ and confess our sin immediately and partake afresh of His Grace. There is nothing like the fragrant aroma of Grace as a balm for our sin when there is true repentance and forgiveness...The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Psalm 51:15

But after repentance and forgiveness, we often find that there are those who still judge us and who remind us of our sin constantly. They call that which God sees as clean, unclean...Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw [it], he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman [this is] that toucheth him: for she is a sinner. Luke 7:39

But where can one go when judging fingers point out our repented sin? We go back to Jesus. We take His Word that He has forgiven us. we renounce the judgers as being used by the evil one, and we get back on our feet, and continue in the Spirit...Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ 2 Corinthians 10:5

Often the one who has sinned the most will arise forgiven and serve God in a passion and newness bought through the cleansing of the Blood of Christ, and in gratitude for His sacrifice for us...Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:12

I have noticed many times over that people who have been broken and whom God has restored, often serve Him with passion and a zeal that others don't match. The greater the sin, the greater God's Grace..."Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little." Luke 7:47

As for those who judge us, we should remind them that the Blood of Jesus has washed our sin away and that they should not ever call unclean what God has called clean...As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Psalms 34:18

Loving all creatures.

 

Over the years I have come to believe that a lot can be gleaned about a person's character by the way they treat animals.

Without fail, I have observed that people who are kind to animals are tender hearted and usually are kind and fair with their dealings with people.

Conversely, those who are cruel or unkind to animals treat people in like manner. 

Indeed, I have seen this in my own family, starting with my ex-husband who was a particularly cruel man.

He was very cruel to animals and treated me badly in our 25 year marriage. So much so, that I was forced to leave him to save myself.

His legacy was handed down to my first two children who have a dislike of animals, but are not cruel to them. They treat people around them with indifference and dislike generally as well.

My last two children not only are kind to animals, but actually dote on them. Their treatment of people generally is kind and fair.

Sadly, it has been noted by forensic scientists and so on that people who are cruel or kill animals eventually kill people.

Whenever I see people loving their pets or animals, I feel an affinity with them. After all, gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit. I can be pretty sure that they would be nice people to know and would treat me with equity and fairness. I am rarely wrong.

God created animals for man to have dominion over, but as we see in Judaic Laws, they are to be treated humanely and compassionately at all times. Even when slaughtering them for food, it has to be killed with one smooth cut which is supposedly painless. Kosher.

It is said that animals and children are good judges of character, and I think there's a lot of truth in that. A character that is appalled at cruelty will be loving and gentle and one who does not care will not. Certainly, as born-again Christians, we should treat all living things well as they firstly belong to the LORD.

Test me and see if I am right by observing this for yourself. It is a useful tool to help in judging whether you can trust a person in daily life or not..as well as their walk with the LORD. We should be loving all creatures. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Proverbs 12:10 “Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast, but the mercy of the wicked is cruel.”

Until the indignation be overpast

Most of  us are spending a lot of time at home these days under stay at home laws to stop the spread of the Covid 19. In fact, we here in Melbourne Australia have been lifted to Stage 4 as the numbers of fresh infections increases.  Now obviously this is going to make us more weary of the isolation, but it is what it is...

Instead of being frustrated or angry, let us resolve to make the most of this situation and try to find some postitive aspects of this enforced isolation in our homes. This is a time for family to be close together. Let us try to make our homes a sanctuary from the world's trouble and mayhem. So let us deck the halls of our home and heart...

• Let us make sure we keep our homes clean and aired.
• Let us try to stay to a routine that gives us time to teach our children.
• Let us remember that our children will be picking up and hearing fearful information, so let us be particularly loving with them.
• Let us make meals that not only fill our family's stomach, but nourish them. Give them something to look forward to at meal times.
• Let us be loving with our husband- chances are he has worries about employment and like you, is concerned about how to stretch the finances and keep the roof over your head and food on the table.
• Let us try to avoid speaking constantly about the ills of this current state of the world in front of the children. They may be young, but they will take in a lot of fear. If the parents are afraid, then for them, it is the end of the world.
• Let us limit watching the news as this is bound to effect everyone. Limit news to finding out directly what you need to know and turn it off.
• Let us watch uplifting videos, especially with our children and let's play with them. Make a cubby house and let your children be the Mum and you the child. Use your imagination and delight them.
• Let us put our little ones into the bath and sit alongside them, singing songs and telling stories and blowing bubbles with them.
• Let us have a sense of calm and peace in our home, for everyone to enjoy.
• Let us be particularly attentive and available to our spouse and fan the flames of romance. It works wonders for a marriage.
• Let us sit at table and teach the little ones etiquette, and have the table set nicely to make it a time of pleasure and unity.
• Let us continue with a daily nightly bedtime routine for the children and keep regular sleeping hours.
• Let us pray with our children at night as they go to bed, allowing them to know that God loves them, watches out for them and calls all the stars by name. Invite discussion of any worries so that they can be reassured and sleep better.
• Let us keep up with our own appearance and hygiene, for that will make us feel more like we can cope.
• Let us use the fine crockery, tableware, cloth serviettes and silver utensils. Drag out the best linen and softest towels and celebrate home and family.
• Let us remember to pray for others, particularly for those for whom isolation means domestic violence. Have this link on hand for help if you or someone you know needs protection and advice.
• Let us remember to keep close to the LORD Who has gone to prepare a place for us, and is coming to take us Home with Him soon. 

Let us deck our halls and hearts with faith, love, peace, joy and hope...until the indignation be overpast

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Come, my people, enter thou into thy chambers, and shut thy doors about thee: hide thyself as it were for a little moment, until the indignation be overpast. Isaiah 26:20 

Sometimes you just have to move to another beach

So, I was just sitting having a cuppa, thinking about previous years, mulling over my life. It seems that when you are nearing 70 that you have the time and length of years to do so.

My beloved husband, Chris has just turned 71, and I was reflecting on our 23 years of marriage and I was quietly thanking the LORD for him.

As often happens, my mind reflected on the different ways this marriage has blessed me, and it suddenly dawned on me that the reason for my divorce was not that I was a bad wife to my ex-husband.

You probably already know that I had a very violent 25 year marriage and it resulted in such trauma and loss of self esteem and confidence, that I seriously thought I would remain single for life.

Then three years after I left my ex-husband, I met Chris. He is an answer to prayer, and he tells me I am to him. A year later, we married. It is so very different from the first marriage, but I am basically the same type of wife to Chris. And he loves me.

I wondered why I was so detested and disrespected by my ex-husband, especially as my behaviour was loving and respectful to him. I prayed constantly for him, went to marriage counselling at church by myself, and believed that one day he would love me and not take his anger out on me. Yet, no matter how much I tried to please him in all things, he never was happy.

Truly, I think over the years, I wore more food than he ate, and cooking for him was nerve wracking. Yet Chris finds my cooking good and never complains. So it wasn't that.

Often I would try to find out how I could please my ex-husband and he would never tell me what was wrong. He would tell me how awful a personality I had and that I had to change, and  when I asked him what specifically annoyed him for me to change and ask forgiveness for, he wouldn't give me an answer.

This not only led to anxiety/panic attacks, but seriously eroded any modicum of confidence I had after my traumatic childhood.

Such was my morbid introspection, that I ended up unable to eat and eventually unable to stop shaking. I spent a day in a psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed with extreme stress/anxiety and advised to leave my errant husband.  

After years of telling me I was crazy whenever I reacted to his abuse and punches, he had the gall to demand I come home as I wasn't crazy and didn't need hospitalisation. I was discharged into my GP's care and left my ex-husband after another 7 years of trying to win him over and have a happy marriage.

The night before I left, I told him how unhappy I was. I also asked him to go to marriage counselling with me or I would be leaving in the morning. He told me he wasn't going because he had done nothing wrong and it was all my fault that he hated me. He said I could divorce him but he wasn't going to pay for it. I did.

That morning after he went to work, I filled two garbage bags with my clothes and baby albums and Bible, and left. I was shattered and heart-broken that he wouldn't take any responsibility and when that happens, it is pretty certain that their heart is no longer in staying married.

I went to business college and later got a job, a nice home and some confidence. But the trauma and head messing left me empty, and sad that I had invested 25 long years in a marriage where I was never loved or even wanted. It left me afraid that he would be proven correct in that I would live alone forever, without even knowing what was wrong with me. It also left me with PTSD.

With a very happy marriage of 23 years this coming Sunday, my conclusions are that no matter how much you try to appease an abuser, no matter how much you turn yourself inside out for answers to improve yourself, no matter how you look, or talk, or cook, or save, or mother, or clean or love, you will never do enough to please them. And you can't ever please them because they don't want to be placated. 

Sadly, sometimes to save yourself, you just have to pick up your beach umbrella, shake off the sand, and move to another beach.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

He delivers me from my enemies.You also lift me up above those who rise against me; You have delivered me from the violent man. Psalm 18:48

I'm afraid of the dark.

Every evening as soon as the street lights come on, I start nesting. I close all the drapes, put the lamps and lights on and prepare to relax.

I want to block out the moon and stars, and I don't want to see smoke coming from chimney tops of farm houses nearby. As soon as dinner is over, I hop into my pyjamas and turn our electric blankets on. Then I snuggle up to Chris. 

There's nothing nicer to hear than the rain on my tin roof or windows and I luxuriate in the warmth of my living room or bed.  And I give thanks for a safe home, a warm home and bed and a loving husband. My joy is complete.

I hate being out and when it gets to twilight the dark of night follows closely and unnerves me somewhat. Sensing my fear, Chris turns the heat up in the car, puts a worship CD on for me and assures me we will be home soon. He knows my life story and he cares enough to try to comfort me when darkness overtakes us in the natural hours of night time.

My childhood was one of fleeing alcoholic's rages, defending my mother from my father's attacks and looking out for my siblings. Too many times to recount, we would have to flee our warm home or bed as Dad was on a drunken rage and he would chuck beer bottles at us as we fled down our hill in the night.

With a pounding heart, we would run from him and the damage broken glass could do to us, and the fear would be compounded by a longing to live a peaceful life like our friends and playmates.

Flickers of light through the curtains of our neighbour's homes would show that adults would still be watching TV and the moon glowed enough to make out the smoke from their chimney. How we longed to be normal and still tucked in our beds with Mum, Dad and our resident drunk, our uncle watching TV as we drifted off to sleep in our nearby bedrooms.

But those times gradually became less and still were ongoing when I was hastily married at 16. My nightmare had just begun.  After a horrific 25 year marriage I finally broke free and  had the peace of my own place with no alcohol in sight. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

The nightmare was ended and my new chapter began three years later when I met and married Chris. He has been an answer to prayer and my gift from the LORD for trying to honour a man who broke my bones, burnt me with cigarettes, kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant and raped me after surgery.

But the foundation of violence has left me with PostTraumaticStressDisorder which sometimes gives me panic attacks and flashbacks. No romantic moons, wishes upon a star or evening walks for me. But God created a loving man just for His damaged daughter-a man who still loves me and knows why I'm afraid of the dark. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

I am who He says I am

Born in to a troubled home of alcoholics, and subjugated by a bitter mother, I married young at 16 and pregnant.

Sure that I had finally found someone to love me, the ink hadn't yet dried on the wedding certificate before the abuse started.

After 25 years of it, and afraid that it would end in my demise, I divorced my husband, even though I felt guilty about doing so.

The aftermath of an unhappy childhood and marriage that assured me that I was of little worth, stayed with me until four years later when I met and married Chris.

Being loved gave me a fresh outlook on myself and I gradually blossomed and as I bloomed in that love, I felt closer to the LORD than ever before.

It was a new experience as I had been through years of self-condemnation. I could forgive anyone anything- (forgiving even my ex-husband's abuse), but I found it difficult to forgive myself. I just didn't feel worthy of God's love.

Finally, I had to concede that God's view of me through what Jesus's Blood accomplished is the true me! His grace is greater than my sin and I was forgiven.

If God calls me clean, who am I to disagree? Either His Word is perfect and I cling to that, or I am calling His judgment into question.

I am so grateful for Chris coming into my life and opening the door to self-love. But even more gratitude goes to my Heavenly Father Who told me that I am who He says I am...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

A marriage that's too hot to handle

I have found that emotional abuse in a marriage leads to physical illnesses that in turn destroy a woman's life. That therefore equates to the same thing as physical abuse. 

In searching for help in my marriage I approached a godly older woman- a pastor's wife after I was violently raped by my ex-husband just five weeks after undergoing major women's surgery... she sided with my husband.... there was no compassion for the abuse in my marriage.. 

I am so glad that I realised she was biased towards preservation of my marriage as opposed to preservation of myself. I was thrown into the lions den with no thought as to my safety. I now have PTSD... 

I would therefore advise an abused wife-either physical or emotional abuse- to leave for a time until or if the husband submits to church discipline or agrees to marriage counselling and then to approach a reconciliation only after proof of repentance.

It is simply too detrimental to a woman's health to stay in an abusive marriage without any hope of improvement. It is simply too hard to handle...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14

Let's deck our halls and hearts

Most of  us are spending a lot of time at home these days under stay at home laws to stop the spread of the Corona Virus. In fact, we here in Melbourne Australia have been lifted to Stage 4 as the numbers of fresh infections increases.  Now obviously this is going to make us more weary of the isolation, but it is what it is...

Instead of being frustrated or angry, let us resolve to make the most of this situation and try to find some postitive aspects of this enforced isolation in our homes. This is a time for family to be close together. Let us try to make our homes a sanctuary from the world's trouble and mayhem. So let us deck the halls of our home and heart...

• Let us make sure we keep our homes clean and aired.
• Let us try to stay to a routine that gives us time to teach our children.
• Let us remember that our children will be picking up and hearing fearful information, so let us be particularly loving with them.
• Let us make meals that not only fill our family's stomach, but nourish them. Give them something to look forward to at meal times.
• Let us be loving with our husband- chances are he has worries about employment and like you, is concerned about how to stretch the finances and keep the roof over your head and food on the table.
• Let us try to avoid speaking constantly about the ills of this current state of the world in front of the children. They may be young, but they will take in a lot of fear. If the parents are afraid, then for them, it is the end of the world.
• Let us limit watching the news as this is bound to effect everyone. Limit news to finding out directly what you need to know and turn it off.
• Let us watch uplifting videos, especially with our children and let's play with them. Make a cubby house and let your children be the Mum and you the child. Use your imagination and delight them.
• Let us put our little ones into the bath and sit alongside them, singing songs and telling stories and blowing bubbles with them.
• Let us have a sense of calm and peace in our home, for everyone to enjoy.
• Let us be particularly attentive and available to our spouse and fan the flames of romance. It works wonders for a marriage.
• Let us sit at table and teach the little ones etiquette, and have the table set nicely to make it a time of pleasure and unity.
• Let us continue with a daily nightly bedtime routine for the children and keep regular sleeping hours.
• Let us pray with our children at night as they go to bed, allowing them to know that God loves them, watches out for them and calls all the stars by name. Invite discussion of any worries so that they can be reassured and sleep better.
• Let us keep up with our own appearance and hygiene, for that will make us feel more like we can cope.
• Let us use the fine crockery, tableware, cloth serviettes and silver utensils. Drag out the best linen and softest towels and celebrate home and family.
• Let us remember to pray for others, particularly for those for whom isolation means domestic violence. Have this link on hand for help if you or someone you know needs protection and advice.
• Let us remember to keep close to the LORD Who has gone to prepare a place for us, and is coming to take us Home with Him soon. 

Whilst we wait for Him, let us deck our halls and hearts with faith, love, peace, joy and hope...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

John 14:1-2 Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 

So grateful tonight

So I have lit the lamps and drawn our drapes. The air outside is cold but our home is warm. The smell of cooking still hangs in the air: a fragrant reminder of a lovely meal eaten in quiet enjoyment.

We watch the flames of our fire and give in to reflection of the day. It has been a good day. With full tummies and grateful hearts, we hold hands and talk. There is contentment in our hearts and words.

Outside we have people in the front lines of health and security- police, doctors, ambulance workers in essential fields of service that ensure our well being and standard of living are taken care of. They are heroes.

But the peace inside our home is closely guarded as we turn off endless news programs and feeds in social media of conspiracy theories and death tolls and predictions regarding the Corona Virus. 

We know they are there, but they are not welcome in our home. Our thoughts are brought into the captivity of Christ. We think only of that which is true and good.

As we prepare to retire soon, we are grateful for electric blankets and soft pillows and even for the little cat who loves to snuggle with her family. So many the world over are living in fear of death from this virus, and many are homeless. We are blessed.

As I hold Chris's hand, I am grateful for the absence of violence in my life, for many are living in a place that isn't safe and this isolation for them is far more than inconvenient: it is dangerous.

We invite the Holy Spirit to fill our home, and I refuse to allow anxiety to weigh my heart and mind down: God has us in His Hand and even if I were to contract Rona, He would do what He wills with me.  I am ready to go Home in illness or in the imminent Rapture.

Tonight, when I turn off my bedside lamp to go to sleep, I will say what I say every time before I go to sleep or under the knife in surgery: "Father, into Your Hands I commit my spirit!" 

And I will fall asleep knowing that God has all things under control. I am so grateful tonight! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

What more can I say?

Over the years, I have heard a lot of false teachings, seen a lot of strange things, and read a lot of false theology.  I have been the victim of some false teachings and false accusations, and when I questioned them, I was told that I had an unteachable spirit....  I have been swept along in hyper-faith teachings, until I realised that the problem with these is that they fail to allow God to be sovereign... they promote Self over God... sound familiar?

We are called not to judge people, however, we are wise to discern first what we will accept is from God. Be wise and do what the Bereans did- check everything you hear or read against the Word. If it doesn't line up, ditch it....and if someone doesn't agree with you after checking with the Word, don't accept what they have to say- especially if they say you disagree because you have an unteachable spirit.

If you have weighed up the teaching and found it contrary to the Word, and then someone tells you that you have an unteachable spirit, it closes the door to further conversation with them. Whatever they are teaching is not scriptural and they are not open to correction. What more can I say?

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so. Acts 17:11

I don't think I stand alone!

After  my  critique of  Created To Be His Helpmeet, I received some not so kind comments,  one in particular from a lady called M... .here is my response to M for stating that I over reacted because of my abusive ex-husband and that this had "coloured my lenses"..

I reflected on M’s comment regarding my first abusive marriage and I had to concede that it had indeed ‘coloured my lenses’ in how I think about women suffering in silence at the hands of a violent husband. It has ‘coloured my lenses’ in how I see the church in general counsel the abused wife- and it certainly has ‘coloured my lenses’ to how I respond to the erroneous advice Debi Pearl dishes out to the suffering wife.

So, I stand guilty of having coloured lenses. I stand guilty of being sensitive to the weak, afraid and hurting godly wife who is abused. I weep when I read or hear of children living with domestic abuse. My lenses are very coloured here because I was raised in a home of not one, but two alcoholics (an uncle who lived with us), who made our lives miserable. My father would often push my mother and I would have to push him off her….yes, it coloured my lenses.

I cry for the children enduring not only the violence that alcoholism brings into the home, but these days- the drugs! My heart is heavy as I relive the pain of domestic violence seen through children’s eyes. And I cry for the feelings of powerlessness that it evokes in all on the receiving end.

When a book such as CTBHH comes along, I am hopeful that it will have real “meat” for the abused wife- some hope and helpful comments to encourage and edify! There are many that do address this issue-alas, CTBHH is not one of them. For the issue is almost deliberately side-stepped, leaving the reader with sand in her mouth.

So, why do I write about this in my blog? Is it a vent for my years of trouble? A cathargic release leading to healing? A bid to become “known” as a Christian writer? God forbid, none of these things! My primary focus is to encourage women- all women: single, happily married, unhappily married, divorced or separated or widowed. I truly love my Sisters in Christ everywhere and I try to uplift and edify them- because of love. God knows, I have had many things happen to me in 67 years: I simply share them in what I hope are transparently honest posts.

My heart is sad that CTBHH is such a divisive book- one is forced to take a stance one way or the other. This should not be! Sisters should support each other in the LORD not fight each other over this issue or anything else. I am sad that Debi and Michael Pearl’s Ministry opportunity was so badly squandered. So much good could have come from them if they had stuck to scripture and had not only compassion, but commonsense!

So I say simply- I stand with the weak and afraid, the uncertain and the searching! I stand with the little children who are switched from an early age- and I stand (trembling) against the sinful husbands who have to take responsibility for their own actions and who must stop pointing the finger at their wives. And I stand against Ministries that offer vinegar to the thirsty and switches for loving discipline and cuddles. I don’t think I stand alone…..

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Psalm 82:3

Created To Be His Helpmeet..a dangerous book.

I am a conservative, non-feminist and submissive wife. Even though there were some good things regarding bringing women back to godly principles in marriage,  I found this book very disturbing.  I had been a severely abused wife for 25 years. So from the angle of an abused wife, I would like to comment and speak up for those women too afraid or unable to speak for themselves.

Chapter 2: The ugly hillbilly woman- the first and main reason she is accounted as ‘Ugly’ by Debi Pearl, is that she is overweight! As an overweight woman, that stung! I may be overweight, but my husband and family and friends have never even intimated that I am ugly! The fact that a smile can change this “worse than regular ugly!” woman is hogwash. It takes more than a smile to change a character- though a smile does indeed help. To say that the woman became unrecognizable when she was caught scowling because she was upset at her obese daughter taking candy is a bit far-fetched (unless her husband is short-sighted or dim-witted) However, I do agree that we must cultivate a happy disposition and smile. Our husbands and family need to see that.

When I first read the letter to the desperate wife whose husband was having an emotional affair with his secretary my first response was that Mrs Pearl’s advice was wrong. Then I reconsidered and thought that there was truth in the advice that if the wife stood up for her rights (and indeed she was in the right)- and fought to win her man back, then that would be the better way to approach it than to end the marriage. I have seen marriages almost ruined by affairs become stronger than ever where the wife has stood her ground. But if the marriage fails, why does Mrs Pearl attest that “if you get another husband, he will be like your old one- cast off by some other woman”? Who is she to say that with such conviction? It is not necessarily true or a given fact!

But it is so true that you cannot force or demand your husband to love you and that he cannot be pressured to love you because you are husband and wife. But why does love come into the equation in a Christian marriage? Where are commitment, understanding, compassion, forgiveness and other Christ-like attributes like forbearance, integrity and obligation to keep the marriage vows simply because God says we must?

If one person does not want to be in a marriage, it is a sad fact of life that sometimes no matter how much the spouse who wishes to remain in the marriage tries to please the errant spouse, then the one wanting out will often leave or make it impossible to stay in the marriage by becoming violent or aggressive. Then, because of hardness of heart of the errant spouse, the prayers and efforts of the faithful spouse come to naught. Why? Because we are carnal creatures at times- both men and women. God sometimes cannot soften a heart that is turned from Him because He will not violate our free will. However,I believe if you loved your husband enough, you would fight for him. Or stay in the marriage until it was impossible to remain safely in it.

We do see a bit of the “boys will be boys” mentality in this chapter, and I have to wonder if this is biased towards men being helpless creatures bewitched under the guiles of wicked women- Jezebels all. I know that men are called to account to God for their sins and being a man who can’t control his thought life and actions is not being a godly man. It does seem that the wife is to bear the burden of blame for her husband’s sin and then take it on the chin! And smile, smile, smile through her tears!

Another sore point with me is where she says,” being pitiful, hurt, discouraged and even sickly is one side of a “bad marriage” coin. Men in general (your husband in particular), are repulsed by women who project this image. A man’s spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react in anger.”

As a woman who suffers from an illness that causes chronic pain and fatigue, I am so overjoyed to report that my husband doesn’t treat me as a faulty appliance which causes him great anger, but he cherishes me and tries to alleviate my suffering on bad days by sharing in my tasks and closing an eye to that which can’t be done on any particular day. After all, we promised to love each other in sickness and in health. Isn’t that type of commitment what God wants in marriage? So this chapter got me thanking God for the blessing of a husband who puts me first when I need it. (see Sick Wives Are Despised By Their Husbands: Debi Pearl)

Chapter 4: Thanksgiving produces joy. Whilst I can see Mrs Pearl’s point about not getting upset about the trash not being taken out, I think she is a little (much?) on the immature side when she finds screaming like that funny. IMO she is mighty fortunate to have a man who can see the funny side- especially when he has not been in the habit of taking trash out for her. And then to see her struggling week after week with the trash and not help her seems really inconsiderate to me.

Also I am uncomfortable that a woman who is teaching other women to be godly wives forgets that we are to be discreet- especially when our intimate lives are involved. It is not very discreet to almost hope that the business manager comes in and then to have a scream ready to embarrass the poor man! Yes, we are to be our husband’s playmate! I agree 100% but then I agree with the Word which clearly says: ” as a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” Proverbs 11:22

To not care about the feelings of the business manager but in fact to entertain thoughts of him finding Mr and Mrs Pearl frolicking or worse yet, in fragrante delicto, is absolutely contrary to Scripture. We are not to be the cause of another person to stumble- apart from being very embarrassing to the staff, I am sure most of them would think Mr and Mrs Pearl extremely indiscreet and insensitive- lovemaking should be enjoyable, fun and PRIVATE!

Chapter 5: the gift of wisdom: In the beginning of this chapter, IMO Mrs Pearl is putting a great deal of pressure on the wife to be the prime force behind a successful marriage. If the marriage is not a heavenly one, it would seem in her opinion, that the wife is not submitting or being thankful and joyful. Whilst I agree that basically what she says is true, there are marriages where normal boundaries are overstepped and it is impossible to be thankful or joyful- for example after a beating or some other horrendously humiliating experience. Now it is extremely difficult if not impossible, to be thankful to and for the husband who is like this.

Marriage is a two-way street. A man is to love his wife as his own body- no man hates his own body but cherishes it (Ephesians 5:28) To completely negate this by saying that a wife should love and respect her husband regardless is OK- to a point. But what of the badly abused wife? It is impossible to be a loving responsive wife in the evening after that same man has bruised you physically and emotionally during the day. At best our body can be receptive, but our heart cannot join in with loving responses. The fear overrides all else.

I feel Mrs Pearl is totally unable to empathise with a wife who is badly abused and to add the pressure of maintaining or creating a “heavenly” marriage in such a case is not only impossible but invites the poor woman to break down emotionally or even doubt or lose her faith! Mrs Pearl is preaching the truth for the majority of marriages- but not for all!

As a woman nearly beaten to the point of death in my first marriage, I take great exception to this:(the abusive harsh husband)…”But he cannot victimize you unless you react outside of the wisdom of God.” This is such hogwash! When your jaw is dislocated or your ribs broken, it is a normal reaction to feel pain. Then to fear being hurt like that again. It is hopeful that the godly woman will turn to God in her pain and not feel rejected by Him. To even continue in a marriage like this takes more faith and obedience than Mrs Pearl will ever know personally.

I did as Mrs Pearl advocates: I held my tongue and didn’t strike back in anger. I tried not to feel sorry for myself and protected HIM from the consequences of his sin by not going to the law and telling my doctor lies about how my injuries came about. I understand what Mrs Pearl is saying but I also understand that there are some men walking so much in sin that it goes WAY BEYOND TRASH BAGS NOT BEING TAKEN OUT. Preaching like Mrs Pearl’s saw me come to the point of a nervous breakdown.

When you feel like God doesn’t intervene or care or if you leave your husband, that you are going to Hell, and are therefore trapped in a cycle of abuse that makes you vomit up everything you eat because of fear, then you have nowhere to go but down into the pit of Hell itself. I am adamant that God does care, and doesn’t want any wife to be treated in this way. But I realise that on the other side of the coin, there are many wives who will justify leaving their husbands for a minor infringement like not taking the trash out! So this chapter has to be read assuming that a marriage is not in the extreme range of violence against the woman.

I wasn’t going to get personal in my critique, but maybe some women reading this will identify and be helped by what I write! Balance, dear Sisters, balance and wisdom in ALL things! So this chapter to me is one where I nod and turn the page over!

I have made notes of other things both good and bad to comment on, but I now realise that in all honesty, the more I delve into this book, the more I find it disturbs me. There are too many things that Debi Pearl writes about that are not backed up by scripture and in other situations, I feel that she and Michael offer no real answer for those married to men who are habitually abusing their wives. I am not really well enough at the moment to write about each and every chapter, so I will make a blanket critique of this book by saying in my opinion,  the advice is often unrealistic and even dangerous- especially about keeping silent if you are a wife suffering from abuse.

My belief is that when a wife comes to the point of shedding blood or having bones broken by her husband then the authorities should be notified, her doctor should be consulted and treatment given and her pastor should be informed. I regret that I followed the “suffering in silence” method of dealing with my own physical abuse and almost ended up dying at my ex husband’s hands. To counsel women along the lines of silent suffering is not wise counsel and downright dangerous.

So in closing, I would say that I have changed my mind about recommending the book- I would caution all those who read it to keep in mind that husbands do indeed have no right before God or man to so damage their wife that she suffer real physical damage. Christian or not- the red line is crossed when a woman or child is hit enough to cause any damage.

We have many excellent books on Christian marriage that are equally good in bringing women back to remembering that they are helpmeets. IMO the Pearls book is not totally backed up in scripture and is therefore erroneous teaching and dangerous as well. I now would say that my findings are 90% rubbish and 10% good teaching. If you are in a marriage where you are not living in fear every waking moment, praise God! I am happy for you, however, I am speaking up for thousands of godly Christian Sisters who are not! They need your prayers and compassion badly- something that Debi and Michael Pearl seem to be lacking!

Here are some books that are by far better than CTBHH:

“The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective” by Martha Peace.

Leslie Vernick’s ‘How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong’

Gary Chapman: ‘The 5 Love Languages’ and ‘On the Marriage You Always Wanted.’

"The Power Of A Positive Wife” by Karol Ladd

‘Feminine Appeal: 7 Virtues of a Godly Wife’ and

‘Mother and/or Biblical Womanhood in the Home’…both written by Nancy Leigh Demoss.

Other greats include ‘Lord, Meet Me in the Laundry Room’ by Barbara Curtis as well as

‘The Mother at Home’.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so. Acts 17:11