I owe myself an apology.
For all the times I promised to forgive myself, only to bring it up again later.
For clipping the wings of my own dreams before they even had a chance to take flight.
For thinking so little of myself at the very moments I should have been standing up for myself.
For the lies I swallowed while starving for truth.
For believing that all the glass I walked on as a child was ever my fault.
For withholding from myself the same grace and second chances I so freely give others.
For allowing the world to convince me that my heart was both too much and not enough.
For all the days wasted pretending to be someone I hoped you would accept.
For not living my life more on my own terms, simply because I was afraid of making a mistake.
For punishing myself for far too long.
For believing love was bloody and painful, and that I didn’t deserve better.
For every time I looked in the mirror and hated who I saw.
I could sit here listing every reason and way I was wronged by others, but maybe more than anything, I owe myself an apology for not valuing this one, beautifully precious life of mine enough to know I’m worthy of greatness, the very best of everything.
And for that, I am sorry. Author unknown
I cried when I read this. I had a very traumatic and abusive childhood. At sixteen, I got engaged and became pregnant soon after, and married a man who started abusing me badly before the ink had dried on the marriage certificate.
I doted on my children for in them I saw someone who would love me.
In spite of the abuse, I stayed with him for the children's sake. At least they would have a happy childhood.
I hated myself because I was taught that I was unloveable and nothing I did pleased anyone anyway.
And now, looking back on my life, I realise that I took on too much, trying to make sure that no one else suffered the pain I felt from childhood until today.
My present husband is loving... however two of my four children are not. Some of my grandchildren love me and half don't.
And now at 71 years, I realise that it doesn't matter. I am happy in my own skin. Loved by some and especially loved by God.
Nothing was my fault in spite of being blamed for everything that went wrong all my life.
And so, I have learned to comfort the little girl who sought love and peace and who learned the 91st Psalm and prayed it every night to get to sleep.
It was not my fault that my mother took out her frustrations on me, hating that I was actually quite strong and therefore was a threat to her subjugation of us all.
And now, I have decided to forgive those who made me feel inadequate, unloved and stupid.I am too old and sick to carry that burden anymore...
The past has gone far too quickly- I cannot ruin my final years dragging that chain of regret and unforgiveness.
And as I forgave my parents and ex-husband for their abuse, I found a calm and peace as the burden was lifted off my shoulders.
And looking at my reflection in the mirror, I realised that I had to also forgive my younger self for not being stronger and more resilient. I hated her when she was in fact strong and I feel sad that I let her bear the brunt of hate and disrespect for as long as she did...
The reflection in the mirror looked back at me, and smiled and accepted my forgiveness...and my love.
I wrapped my arms around myself and embraced her warmly....
© Glenys Robyn Hicks
"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.." Psalm 91... words that comforted my younger self...
