My beloved husband, Chris has just turned 71, and I was reflecting on our 23 years of marriage and I was quietly thanking the LORD for him.
As often happens, my mind reflected on the different ways this marriage has blessed me, and it suddenly dawned on me that the reason for my divorce was not that I was a bad wife to my ex-husband.
You probably already know that I had a very violent 25 year marriage and it resulted in such trauma and loss of self esteem and confidence, that I seriously thought I would remain single for life.
Then three years after I left my ex-husband, I met Chris. He is an answer to prayer, and he tells me I am to him. A year later, we married. It is so very different from the first marriage, but I am basically the same type of wife to Chris. And he loves me.
I wondered why I was so detested and disrespected by my ex-husband, especially as my behaviour was loving and respectful to him. I prayed constantly for him, went to marriage counselling at church by myself, and believed that one day he would love me and not take his anger out on me. Yet, no matter how much I tried to please him in all things, he never was happy.
Truly, I think over the years, I wore more food than he ate, and cooking for him was nerve wracking. Yet Chris finds my cooking good and never complains. So it wasn't that.
Often I would try to find out how I could please my ex-husband and he would never tell me what was wrong. He would tell me how awful a personality I had and that I had to change, and when I asked him what specifically annoyed him for me to change and ask forgiveness for, he wouldn't give me an answer.
This not only led to anxiety/panic attacks, but seriously eroded any modicum of confidence I had after my traumatic childhood.
Such was my morbid introspection, that I ended up unable to eat and eventually unable to stop shaking. I spent a day in a psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed with extreme stress/anxiety and advised to leave my errant husband.
After years of telling me I was crazy whenever I reacted to his abuse and punches, he had the gall to demand I come home as I wasn't crazy and didn't need hospitalisation. I was discharged into my GP's care and left my ex-husband after another 7 years of trying to win him over and have a happy marriage.
The night before I left, I told him how unhappy I was. I also asked him to go to marriage counselling with me or I would be leaving in the morning. He told me he wasn't going because he had done nothing wrong and it was all my fault that he hated me. He said I could divorce him but he wasn't going to pay for it. I did.
That morning after he went to work, I filled two garbage bags with my clothes and baby albums and Bible, and left. I was shattered and heart-broken that he wouldn't take any responsibility and when that happens, it is pretty certain that their heart is no longer in staying married.
I went to business college and later got a job, a nice home and some confidence. But the trauma and head messing left me empty, and sad that I had invested 25 long years in a marriage where I was never loved or even wanted. It left me afraid that he would be proven correct in that I would live alone forever, without even knowing what was wrong with me. It also left me with PTSD.
With a very happy marriage of 23 years this coming Sunday, my conclusions are that no matter how much you try to appease an abuser, no matter how much you turn yourself inside out for answers to improve yourself, no matter how you look, or talk, or cook, or save, or mother, or clean or love, you will never do enough to please them. And you can't ever please them because they don't want to be placated.
Sadly, sometimes to save yourself, you just have to pick up your beach umbrella, shake off the sand, and move to another beach.
© Glenys Robyn Hicks
22 years of marriage to a man I could never please either. He was a gaslighter, mental and emotional abuser. From his own trauma pain as a child he acted out the Narcissist role. Remarried now on year 10 to a loving giving thoughtful man. Very different.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think God saves the best till last! I am so glad you are happily married now. Be blessed!
DeleteDear ladypinktulip I miss your sweet comments but delight in knowing I will see you again in glory. And we both know, we were loved... Vale, Kelly!
DeleteAgreed. I had a horrible first marriage as well, though it rarely got violent. I was traumatized for a few years with nightmares, but my second husband was able to help me to replace my trauma with good experiences... and even forgive! I am able to pray for my ex when I think about him. My husband now is wonderful, like yours. Whenever I would melt down or have a nightmare, I always asked Jesus to renew my mind and he would, within seconds. I'm glad you found Chris. 💕 Janine
ReplyDeleteMy ex-husband has now passed away but before that, he approached me at a birthday party and asked for forgiveness. I said yes. I write about him only to encourage others that God sees them and loves them in their own valley. We renewed our vows after he passed. God restores the year of the locust, doesn't He? Be blessed, Janine.
DeleteMy ex also asked for forgiveness and I was able to give it. I think the asking and the granting is so healing. I'm glad you've been able to share your story and encouragement with others. When in the midst we feel all alone, and it's a shameful hidden secret. Except we think we are hiding it but people suspect. Dr. Dobson's show and book on Tough Love helped me escape. I rented a unit at public storage and every morning before work I would take the things I didn't want to leave behind when I ran. I told my boss I might have to run and he said to do what I had to do and contact him wherever I went and he'd help me find a job. Turned out that I didn't have to run...my ex ran away with a woman half my age... and I was only 33! I was so relieved to be rid of him. And I found my sweet husband almost immediately thereafter.
DeleteI love that we were both able to forgive our ex-husbands. That allows us all to move forward. I am happy that you had a boss who was understanding. Better that you didn't have to run in the end. I am glad you are happy now too. Be blessed!
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