I am comforted.

 

I am on fire with pain. Literally from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I don't believe I am being punished for my sin. Jesus took that for me...

But I do believe that we live in a fallen world and I am genetically weak with many inherited maladies from both sides of my parentage.

At nearly 73, I am unravelling. It is just the facts.. my body is failing me. I am in agony and I cannot get medications that will successfully keep the pain at bearable limits. This is because some who abuse opioids have closed the door on help for everyone who truly needs it.

They don't believe that I need pain relief, but here is a brief description of my pain in mostly every area of my body.

My head: PMR temple pain and headache. TMJ causing jaw pain and earache. Fibro brain fog.

My neck: Polymyalgia rhuematica pain (PMR) Hashimoto's disease.

My skin: psoriasis and rash on shins from lymphedema of left leg 

My shoulders: fibromyalgia and PMR muscle pain. Lymphedema in my right arm (from the angiogram)

My heart: angina, costrocondritis. Hole in the heart. Ongoing IHD

My blood: antiphospholilipid syndrome. (Sticky blood)

My lungs: pulmonary hypertension. Only my left one working.

My stomach: gastroparisis, GERD. Navel hernia repair done with mesh which is tearing away from flesh

My pancreas: failing due to diabetes 2

My kidneys: failing and dropping- currently 56 Makers of 50+ kidney stones

My arms: muscle pain with tearing ligament pain. 

My hands: deformed from osteoarthritis. Trigger finger on left pointer finger.

My back & hips: PMR, fibromyalgia, spinal canal stenosis, ankylosing spondylitis, Scheurrmanns disease. No lower discs left. Coccydynia 

My knees: lymphedema, ligaments torn and a fabella in the right knee. Arthritis.

My legs: fluid from heart disease and lymphedema.

My feet: arthritis, peripheral neuropathy from diabetes, heel spurs

Each day brings more pain. The level fluctuates, but it never goes. And I am still treated like a drug abuser when I ask for pain relief- and this is all verifiable by medical tests.

In fact, the only "help" I have gotten is through a pain management clinic where I was told to play Candy Crush to keep my mind off it. It is a joke. 

In spite of all this, I have had comfort from the LORD. He has helped me to seek truth and set the evil one to flight in moments of doubt. It is easy to wonder if one is being punished during a trial of pain and illness.

Sometimes I haven't even been able to formulate prayers and yet He has calmed my heart and made His Presence felt in giving me a peace.

He has led me to rest in Him, allowing me to drift into a sleep that has seen me restored and refreshed enough to cope during even the most painful of episodes.

His Holy Spirit has reminded me that this too will pass and that Jesus is preparing for me a place of eternal joy and health. And that the suffering I have now will fade in the beauty of His Presence and Holiness where nothing will cause tears and pain and where there is no death.

I have truly felt His Love for me wrap itself around me like a cloak of protection and ownership. 

Sometimes He will bring a song of praise or worship to mind, and I will praise Him in spite of it all. For He is worthy.

Through illness and pain, I have felt a Father's concern and love and I have held on to His Promise that He will not leave me comfortless and will come to me..

The pain is relentless, but so is God's Love and Presence. 

It is true: I am not alone. I am comforted.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. John 14:18

At the end of the day

 

I have a heart blockage between 2 stents that needs to be addressed. They botched my two angiograms- the entrance of my femoral artery and the entrance into my heart was damaged, and the followup angiogram thrombosed my right radial artery which has a very weak pulse and that was 18 years ago. So I refused the procedure.

I have had stable angina recently and I know somethings going on there, but I am trusting the LORD for keeping me alive. And if not, I will be with Him.

I pray that Jesus comes for us sooner rather than later. I am ready..

I probably sound depressed but I am not. I am a realist though... and sometimes that comes across as defeatist. But we are more than conquerors. I remind myself of that often... Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. Romans 8:37

We’re not depressed when we know where we’re going and Who is in control.

I am petrified of another angiogram with lasting injuries... I got lymphedma in the leg and arm they tinkered with... a painful lasting after effect still evident 18 years later.

Whether He takes me now or raptures me, I know I will be with God. That's all that really matters at the end of the day, isnt it?

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.. 2 Corinthians 4:16 

Empty buckets

 

I did an enneagram test for fun the other day. It said I was a 2 which basically is a helper who needs to be needed. It sounds like me. Or the past me.

Always trying to help and indeed, called on often in time of trouble, it has been my pleasure to respond to the call. Until recently.

Since we had so many changes in the last 12 months, I have found my spoons are lacking. I cry easily, both when I am sad and also when happy. I hunger for solitude and just watching the bird life around us. I need time to heal not only from the meniscus tear in my knees and my lymphedema, but emotionally. I am tired. 

I am indeed grateful to the LORD for so much.  I love to listen to the Bible on You Tube and I play hymns in the background most of the day. Prayer is often ongoing for hours and I am gradually finding peace again.

It's good that we are now retired as there are days when the fibromyalgia flares and I can't stay awake, and I now just go to bed and have a nana nap whenever it is necessary. 

It has taken me 72 years to realise that it is true that 

1. I am not responsible for fixing everything or everyone who is broken. But I can pray for them.
2. It is OK to say no if I honestly can't cope with a request. I don't have to feel guilty 
3. It is OK to admit to being over something and not to be stoic and push myself mercilessly

It is important to recognise burn out and to take steps to heal. Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. There will be time after your healing to be a helper again. Not recognising burn out will result in you having a physical or emotional meltdown. And no one is going to benefit if you have lost your joie de vivre or your milk of human kindness is dried up and you have only empty buckets to give.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And he said unto them, Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while: for there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat. Mark 6:31

Footnote: since writing this post, I have learned that enneagrams originated from new age practices and automatic writing. I will not be doing any quizzes etc regarding this again. Thank you, Janine for making me aware of this.