Empty buckets

 

I did an enneagram test for fun the other day. It said I was a 2 which basically is a helper who needs to be needed. It sounds like me. Or the past me.

Always trying to help and indeed, called on often in time of trouble, it has been my pleasure to respond to the call. Until recently.

Since we had so many changes in the last 12 months, I have found my spoons are lacking. I cry easily, both when I am sad and also when happy. I hunger for solitude and just watching the bird life around us. I need time to heal not only from the meniscus tear in my knees and my lymphedema, but emotionally. I am tired. 

I am indeed grateful to the LORD for so much.  I love to listen to the Bible on You Tube and I play hymns in the background most of the day. Prayer is often ongoing for hours and I am gradually finding peace again.

It's good that we are now retired as there are days when the fibromyalgia flares and I can't stay awake, and I now just go to bed and have a nana nap whenever it is necessary. 

It has taken me 72 years to realise that it is true that 

1. I am not responsible for fixing everything or everyone who is broken. But I can pray for them.
2. It is OK to say no if I honestly can't cope with a request. I don't have to feel guilty 
3. It is OK to admit to being over something and not to be stoic and push myself mercilessly

It is important to recognise burn out and to take steps to heal. Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. There will be time after your healing to be a helper again. Not recognising burn out will result in you having a physical or emotional meltdown. And no one is going to benefit if you have lost your joie de vivre or your milk of human kindness is dried up and you have only empty buckets to give.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

And he said unto them, Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while: for there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat. Mark 6:31

Footnote: since writing this post, I have learned that enneagrams originated from new age practices and automatic writing. I will not be doing any quizzes etc regarding this again. Thank you, Janine for making me aware of this. 

Welcome Validation: False Guilt's cousin

Sometimes when I am having a flare of my fibromyalgia, I find that I need to feel validated in my sufferings. Not many people believe that fibromyalgia is real, and when you feel wiped out with chronic fatigue, endless pain and brain fog for weeks at a time, you can suffer from False Guilt. This is a cousin to needing Validation. So, feeling like that, I decided to look up some sites and recap the symptoms of the complaint. Here they are:

Fibromyalgia produces widespread pain, disturbed sleep, and exhaustion from head to toe.1 Fibromyalgia means pain in the muscles, ligaments, and tendons—the soft fibrous tissues of the body. Although the muscles hurt everywhere, they are not the only cause of the pain. Instead, the diffuse, body-wide symptoms are greatly magnified by malfunctions in the way the nervous system processes pain.2,3

Regional muscle pain not related to arthritis or the nervous system also occurs in the majority of people with fibromyalgia.4 Patients describe this as firm knots in the belly of muscles, often causing restricted movement and radiating pain.5 These muscle nodules are myofascial trigger points and some researchers suspect that these painful areas overlap with the tender points used to diagnose fibromyalgia.6

The symptoms of fibromyalgia are unpredictable and most patients are frustrated by their physical limitations and inability to make plans. You may feel as though you have to "push yourself" to get things done.7

Most patients with fibromyalgia say that their muscles feel like they have been pulled or overworked, and sometimes they twitch or cramp.8 Even the skin may feel badly sunburned.9 To help your family and friends relate to your fibromyalgia symptoms, have them think back to the last time they had a bad flu. Every muscle in their body shouted out in pain. In addition, they felt devoid of energy as though someone had unplugged their power supply.

Given that the symptoms may be similar to a viral flu, experts in the field of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome believe that these two illnesses may be one and the same.10 Gulf War syndrome also overlaps with these two conditions.11
Common symptoms:

Pain - Fibromyalgia pain has no boundaries. People describe the pain as deep muscular aching, throbbing, shooting, stabbing, or intense burning. Quite often, the pain and stiffness are worse in the morning, and muscle groups that are used repetitively may hurt more.12 In addition, the severity of regional pains (particularly those in the head, neck, shoulders and lower back) are a strong predictor of a person's overall pain rating.13 The muscles in these painful areas can feel tight, knotted and rope-like. Pressing on the firm, knotted region hurts and often causes the pain to shoot to other muscles when a myofascial trigger point is present.

Fatigue - This symptom can be one of the most incapacitating for people with fibromyalgia. Patients may feel as though their arms and legs are weighted down by concrete blocks and their bodies may be so drained of energy that every task is an effort.7

Memory and Concentration - Difficulty concentrating and retaining new information may seriously interfere with everyday mental tasks.14 This symptom is referred to as "fibro fog" and may hinder job opportunities. In particular, fibromyalgia patients have serious difficulty retaining new information if they are distracted.15

Sleep Disorders - Patients report trouble falling asleep and more importantly staying asleep, but the unrefreshing quality is what makes the disorder much worse than insomnia. Repeat arousals prevent patients from reaching deep, restorative sleep.16 As a result, the night is spent in "quasi-sleep" and patients wake up feeling as though they have been run over by a Mack truck. An overnight sleep study will likely show repeat arousals with bursts of awake-like brain activity occurring throughout the night, but a specific sleep disorder may not be identified.17

Exercise Difficulties - Moderate intensity exercise activates a powerful pain-relieving system in healthy people, but it makes the pain of fibromyalgia worse.18 This is why initiating an exercise program may make you achy and tired. However, if you do not exercise on a regular basis, the performance of normal daily living activities will start to cause more pain. Rather than give in to the increased pain sensitivity related to exercise, patients are advised to do mild exercise in short intervals (such as five minutes at a time) to keep the muscles fit while not over-taxing them. A study in Sweden revealed that half of the fibromyalgia patients found it impossible or difficult to climb stairs and a majority of patients could not run. Just standing for five minutes was extremely taxing to one-fourth of the patients.19

Irritable Bowel Syndrome - Constipation, diarrhea, frequent abdominal pain and bloating, abdominal gas, and nausea represent symptoms commonly found in roughly 40 to 70 percent of fibromyalgia patients.20

Chronic Headaches - Recurrent migraine or tension headaches are experienced by 50 to 70 percent of fibromyalgia patients. Most headaches are rated as severe, occur at least two times per week, and often have a migraine component.21 Referred pain from myofascial trigger points in the shoulder, neck, and head muscles are suspected to be responsible for most tension-type headache and also play a role in migraines.22

Jaw Pain - Temporomandibular joint dysfunction causes tremendous jaw-related face and head pain and affects one-quarter of fibromyalgia patients. Typically, the problems are related to the muscles and ligaments surrounding the jaw joint and not necessarily the joint itself.23

Other Common Symptoms - Non-cardiac chest pain, acid reflux, irregular heart beat or palpitations, shortness of breath, numbness and tingling sensations, the feeling of swollen extremities, chemical sensitivities, nasal congestion, premenstrual syndrome and painful periods, irritable bladder, interstitial cystitis, vulvodynia (vulvar pain), difficulty focusing eyes, dry or burning eyes and mouth, dizziness or feeling faint, profuse sweating, muscle weakness and balance issues can occur.24,25,26 Fibromyalgia patients are often sensitive to odors, loud noises, bright lights, some foods, and often the medications that they are prescribed.27

Aggravating Factors - Changes in weather, cold or drafty environments, hormonal fluctuations (premenstrual and menopausal states), stress, depression, anxiety, and over-exertion can all contribute to fibromyalgia symptom flare-ups.12
Fibromyalgia Quick Facts

* Affects 3 to 5 percent of the general population28
* Occurs in people of all ages, even children
* Men develop fibromyalgia too, although more women are diagnosed with it
* Symptoms are chronic but may fluctuate throughout the day
* Roughly one-quarter of people with fibromyalgia are work-disabled12

The general consensus here in Australia is that fibromyalgia is all in ones' head and that the sufferer is a malingerer. Certainly this exacerbates False Guilt and invites his cousin, Validation into the scene. Although I am aware of false guilt leading to me wanting to feel validated, I still succumb to it at times of prolonged flares such as this one I am experiencing at the moment.

I have *every* one of these symptoms, so I feel validated. So welcome Validation: hopefully he and his cousin won't be staying long!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks


Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD. Psalm 31:24

Thank God it's Jesus!

There are many things in life that can break us. Illness, loss, grief, depression, divorce to mention just a few. But often it is sin that breaks us the most: and unlike some other things that break us, time does not make it easier. As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent. Revelation 3:19

That is why repentance is so important. We need to repent as soon as the Holy Spirit convicts us of our sin, for if we don't, we give a foothold to the evil one. He takes great delight in making us feel estranged from God and hopeless. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. 2 Corinthians 7:10

Of course, God is not distancing Himself from us- we do that when we are conscious of sinning. So it is imperative that we come to Christ and confess our sin immediately and partake afresh of His Grace. There is nothing like the fragrant aroma of Grace as a balm for our sin when there is true repentance and forgiveness...

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Psalm 51:15 

But after repentance and forgiveness, we often find that there are those who still judge us and who remind us of our sin constantly. They call that which God sees as clean, unclean...

Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw [it], he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman [this is] that toucheth him: for she is a sinner. Luke 7:39

But where can one go when judging fingers point out our repented sin? We go back to Jesus. We take His Word that He has forgiven us. we renounce the judgers as being used by the evil one, and we get back on our feet, and continue in the Spirit..

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God... 2 Corinthians 10:5

Often the one who has sinned the most will arise forgiven and serve God in a passion and newness bought through the cleansing of the Blood of Christ, and in gratitude for His sacrifice for us...

Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:12

I have noticed many times over that people who have been broken and whom God has restored, often serve Him with passion and a zeal that others don't match. The greater the sin, the greater God's Grace...

"Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little." Luke 7:47

As for those who judge us, we should remind them that the Blood of Jesus has washed our sin away and that they should not ever call unclean what God has called clean..

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

The Queen of List Making

So I did it again! Instead of cleaning up after dinner, I went to bed with dishes in the sink. I hate when I do that!

I mean, with fibromyalgia robbing me of a good restful sleep, the mornings are hard enough to face. Having a dirty kitchen to wake up to is the pits!

Most would think that it's just laziness, but by the time I have cooked dinner my spoons are almost gone. Yes gone! I am so done in by the end of the day that even lifting my arms up to put my nightie over them creates pain.

Oh, yes, I make lists and read motivational blogs and You tubes, but to no avail. I am the Queen of List Making. Yet my limited spoons dictate that I do very little and I am left with ashes in my mouth.

I know I said before that I have been keeping busy and that's true, but I now have a rebound fibro flare and coupled with our autumn cold snap with rain, I am in a lot of pain.

You would think that I would have worked out this fibromyalgia lurk after twenty years. And for the most part although I hate it, I have learned to exist with fibro without feeling false guilt that leads to depression.

Most days I accept my disability, but deep inside is a perfectionist screaming to get out! On days like this, I try to nest and I overextend my limits. Hello, Fibro Flare!

I am grateful to my husband Chris. He is an mild mannered man who is happy with how I do manage to keep our nest. He, and most people who come to visit- well in better days obviously- are happy with the state of our home.

It must be that I am my own worst enemy: trying to do the work of a much younger healthier woman: everything in its place and a place for everything. But always straining, never achieving thanks to Fibromyalgia.  I need to accept what is and hang up my crown as the Queen of List Making.

 

Clean enough to be healthy

I have had a perfectionist streak all my life, but in the last twenty or so years of ill health, I have had to learn to be content with a more relaxed approach to my home making.

Where once I would be consumed with (false) guilt because I made our bed without four corner tucks or I had the blankets bumpy on the bed, I have had to make do with a more lenient approach. I simply don't have the energy to do four corner tucks. However, even the bed made up quickly and sporting a lump here or there, is extremely satisfying to me now that I've gotten past the perfectionism.

Mornings are no longer the time for house keeping. I have to fit in what I can over however long it takes me... and be content at the end of the day that I actually got it done...

I no longer allow cleaning schedules to dictate to me what I must achieve in any given day or time frame: it gets done more or less within the schedule but on a time of my choosing. It's the only way a Sacrificial Home Keeper can manage..

In saying that I am no longer a perfectionist, I still like to live in a clean home. For me, there are basic things that are not negotiable. I cannot live my life happily unless these things are clean:

I must be clean.

My clothes must be clean.

My bed must be fresh and clean.

My dishes and cooking utensils must be clean.

I can't stand smelly toilets and these and my bathroom must be clean.

These days I need help to maintain this list of essentials.  I do not go into a spin if a fly has died on my window ledge or there is some dust on my furniture. I have learned to accept white cat fur as a part of being a mother to a white cat. The floors can be in need of a vacuum, but I now have Roombas to do them.  It has been years since I ironed something that only I will see... and I learned years ago that one can sleep on unironed pillowcases... it can be done!

I find cooking, shopping, menu and social planning, washing and folding of clothes, managing finances and being a loving wife to my husband is enough for me to cope with. I know from experience over the years that by not pacing myself, I will crash and burn and my recovery time will need more than an occasional nana nap...

Accepting our limitations is an important part of staying calm in a world that has become anything but. And for most of us Sacrificial Home Keepers, our world is our home. 

One final thought that helped me was remembering what our family doctor once said to me when my children were young: "A home should be clean enough to be healthy, but untidy enough to be happy!"  I am trusting that I have at last put his advice into action.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

Having patience with yourself

  

Lately, I have realised that one of the reasons for my high blood pressure is probably in the way I stress about not being able to do what I want due to fibromyalgia.

Although I know that I am not to blame for being ill, I sometimes find myself berating myself and feeling cross that I am a lame duck. It really gets to me at times.

Often I succumb to false guilt, the guilt that comes from matters that are not in my control, and it is easy to go to the Pit of Despair. You do not want to go there.

On rare occasions, I burst into tears and it is then that Chris usually comes to my rescue, pointing out that it's not my fault, that whatever needs to be done can wait or he promises that he will do it...

It made me think that sometimes I am my own worst enemy. By self-condemnation, I am making a sad situation worse for myself.

When I realised that it was my thinking that makes me get so down sometimes, I smiled at the irony: usually I am trying to validate my tiredness and pain to "normals"- those who do not live with chronic pain and no spoons. Now the "normals" are validating me.

So today, after cleaning my kitchen and making lunch, I am going to "the beach" again. I am going to relax and only get up again when it is time to cook tea.

I am going to start to speak to myself as I would speak to someone else who was ill and blaming themselves: lovingly and kindly. Which just doesn't come naturally to me. I have patience with everyone except myself.

Bother to lift us up and not tear us down

It amazes me how many people are uninformed about something yet feel compelled to give an opinion or advice about it.

When I got fibromyalgia everyone told me it was in my head. I pushed myself physically to get through it but the emotional toll was so bad. Guilt. Failure. Self loathing. Exacerbation of it all. In the end it was all for nothing: fibromyalgia is real.

How one talks to a chronically ill person is important as often they can take those words and apply it to themself, even if that person really doesn't understand about their illness.

Quite often speaking erroneously and negatively can damage a person so much that they actually feel worse. Those words have the propensity to cause so much emotionally destructive thoughts that cripple a person worse than the disease or ailment they suffer does.

Unsolicited advice such as starting exercising, dieting, positive thinking, all sound great for most maladies, but alas, not so great for chronic illness such as heart failure, osteoporosis, spinal stenosis, lupus and fibromyalgia.

Taking this on board for the person already grieving for their lost health can lead a person straight to the Pit of Despair. And it achieves nothing.

A little kindness would go a long way to helping the chronically ill retain self respect and accept their illness quicker. But most times those who give advice are anything but kind, sounding judgmental and arrogant. Which just expounds on how truly unhelpful they really are- or try to be.

Being kind and gentle to those suffering is Christ's way- so if you think you have enough knowledge and love to impart some wisdom and instruction to a chronically ill person- do so gently and kindly.

God Himself knows we have enough to contend with already as we walk the sad and lonely path of illness. We need less words and more acts that impart sympathy and compassion.

Pray for us and comfort us and be one of the few who bother to lift us up and not tear us down.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks 

And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick. Matthew 14:14

Suffering is not our fault.

 I have tried not to dwell on my illnesses these days, but still find that I have to remember to do this:

Accepting that one's life is going to be difficult due to ongoing illness makes for a happier life. When the chronically ill person decides to give it to God, and to cling to Him instead of succumbing to false guilt, life takes on a normality in what many would see as anything but. It is a surrender, if you will.

Suffering does not make us second-class Christians, as some false teachings would purport. Nor does it mean we are faithless or aren't reading our Bibles or standing on the promises of God regarding healing.

Furthermore, being ill does not check us out of God's watchful Eye of concern, or mean that He is an uncompassionate God. No, we all are subject to frailties and problems in the flesh because we live in a fallen world... we have not been singled out to suffer...

God has given us things to do in our suffering and it is important that we stay close to Him and continue to read the Word and pray. It is not that God has moved, when He feels far away during a flare or illness, but our emotions are also hurting as a result of our condition.

It is important to pray that God heal us, and to ask the Church to anoint us with oil according to the Scriptures... It is essential to our emotional and spiritual health to stay in the faith and believe that God can heal us, but to pray for strength until- or even IF it is His will to do so.

I know that should/when another flare comes for me that I will have to cling to Jesus and reread what I have written here (for I write it for myself as well as you). I will need to surrender this next painful chapter of my life, knowing that God will still be there for me.

Surrendering our pain and our life to God is the only thing we can do.... meanwhile, I thank Him for the few days of respite..

Suffering is not our fault, but is because we live in a fallen world.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. 3 John 1:2

We live in a fallen world

 I have tried not to dwell on my illnesses these days, but still find that I have to remember to do this:

Accepting that one's life is going to be difficult due to ongoing illness makes for a happier life. When the chronically ill person decides to give it to God, and to cling to Him instead of succumbing to false guilt, life takes on a normality in what many would see as anything but. It is a surrender, if you will.

Suffering does not make us second-class Christians, as some false teachings would purport. Nor does it mean we are faithless or aren't reading our Bibles or standing on the promises of God regarding healing.

Furthermore, being ill does not check us out of God's watchful Eye of concern, or mean that He is an uncompassionate God. No, we all are subject to frailties and problems in the flesh because we live in a fallen world... we have not been singled out to suffer...

God has given us things to do in our suffering and it is important that we stay close to Him and continue to read the Word and pray. It is not that God has moved, when He feels far away during a flare or illness, but our emotions are also hurting as a result of our condition.

It is important to pray that God heal us, and to ask the Church to anoint us with oil according to the Scriptures... It is essential to our emotional and spiritual health to stay in the faith and believe that God can heal us, but to pray for strength until- or even IF it is His will to do so.

I know that should/when another flare comes for me that I will have to cling to Jesus and reread what I have written here (for I write it for myself as well as you). I will need to surrender this next painful chapter of my life, knowing that God will still be there for me.

Surrendering our pain and our life to God is the only thing we can do.... meanwhile, I thank Him for the few days of respite..

Suffering is not our fault, but is because we live in a fallen world.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. 3 John 1:2

Nothing can separate us from God's love

There are a lot of faithful Christians who suffer from panic attacks and anxiety.  Although they are usually strong in the faith, when a panic attack hits, and they have a meltdown, their trial turns into a field day for false accusers and Job's Comforters. 

They are often told that they are lacking in faith and to cling to the LORD, when it is chemicals in their body that is causing the problem, not lack of faith.  They do nothing to help but add fuel to the fire. Telling a sufferer of a panic attack to have more faith is like telling a drowning man to swim faster. They simply can't and they struggle just to keep their head above water. To add to their woe, they then fear that they have become apostate or are backsliding.  But nothing could be further from the truth.

The truly backslidden or apostate Christian will not turn to God for help therefore she has no worries of feeling unloved by God but the faithful Child of God will be afraid when she cannot break through the clutch of adrenaline that induces a feeling of impending doom (in this case, damnation) Such feelings are false, and during her life when not suffering an adrenaline rush, she knows this and relies on her Saviour. 

The Bible teaches us not to be anxious, but any anxious person will tell you that it is a fact that anxiety will come for no apparent reason. My point is that Satan will use this hormone induced attack on our bodies to make us feel guilty, alienate us from feeling close to God, and cause us to be more anxious. We know it is written we shouldn't be anxious- but here we are with anxiety and guilt as our companion. 

We know we should trust God but often it's not so clear cut and defined. It does us no good to be told we are sinning when it is clearly a chemistry problem which manifests itself as anxiety. In our stronger moments, we are aware of the scriptures. One who suffers from anxiety does not need to be told they are willfully sinning. We need people's understanding and compassion. It goes without saying, that we always have that from Jesus. 

We tend to forget that most often sufferers of anxiety and panic have often been in the midst of the most horrendous of stresses and trials, often for years, and despite being faithful and clinging to God, they have a meltdown. Trials include all chronic illness such as fibromyalgia and disabilities. 

It would behove us all to remember to be Christ-like to these suffering Children of God and comfort them, pray for them and encourage them. Those of us who suffer like this are prime candidates for panic attacks and meltdowns.  We should do unto others as we would have them do unto us:  pray for them,  help them back on their feet and never judge them. Anxiety and panic are no respecter of people: but by the Grace of God, go I. 

Mercy.  Grace.  Compassion.  Love.  Prayer.  All are healing balms for the poor one having a meltdown. We need to tell them there is hope and there is healing and that nothing can separate us from God's love.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

For I am persuaded,  that neither death,  nor life,  nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things  to  come,  nor height,  nor depth,  nor any other creature,  shall be  able to separate us from the love of God which in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:38-39

Making a difference!

As sacrificial home keepers, we still can achieve a good deal in creating a peaceful home for our family. We can still make a difference: it just takes extra planning and energy and consulting our lists!

"What really does work to increase the feeling of having a home and its comforts is housekeeping. Housekeeping creates cleanliness, order, regularity, beauty, the conditions for health and safety, and a good place to do and feel all the things you wish and need to do and feel in your home.
Whether you live alone or with a spouse, parents, and ten children, it is your housekeeping that makes your home alive, that turns it into a small society in its own right, a vital place with its own ways and rhythms, the place where you can be more yourself than you can be anywhere else." by Cheryl Mendelson, Home Comforts: The Art & Science of Keeping House

I have posted lists that show how we sacrificial home keepers can stay on top of things by planning and pacing. I hope they will be of some help to you. Feel free to print the Lists out if you want.

No matter how little we do or how big or small our home is, we can still be like the Proverbs 31 woman and and still live out Titus 2. We can still make a difference!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

"So teach [us] to number our days, that we may apply [our] hearts unto wisdom" Psalm 90:12

Pain changes people!

In dealing with my fibromyalgia flares, I find dealing with the accompanying mental pain is just as bad as dealing with unrelenting physical pain. It is just as difficult to bear.

Usually a mild mannered person, after coping all day with searing pain in my muscles, topped off with an inability to sleep soundly, I can fly off the handle occasionally.

Yesterday for example, I managed to catch up on my dishes, which turned out to be a three part marathon. Usually Chris puts them away but yesterday it didn't happen.

My fingers were paining me, my back ached and my legs didn't feel like they could hold me up. Unfortunately, a feeling of resentment overtook me, and I yelled at Chris for not doing his part.

I love being a wife and homemaker, but when everything is hurting at once, and not sleeping well because of the pain, resentment rose up in me. 

Resentment that I wasn't getting any help coupled with no pain relief and tiredness made me verbally buck and shy like a wild stallion. Along with resentment of my lack of help came resentment that my body has let me down.

Once resentment kicks in, it opens the door to self-pity and depression. I don't like yelling at Chris, particularly as he is usually not only helpful but emotionally nurturing and supportive.

I have found that at times like this, when pain causes me to blow my stack, that like an overtired toddler, I need to rest. So I put myself to bed for a nana nap.

But before I go for that nap, I apologise to Chris and go to sleep talking with the LORD and repenting of my bad humour.

Fibromyalgia pain never lets up, even in our sleep. It pursues us in our rest and deprives us of even the enjoyment of a brief period of respite in sleep. We toss and turn, trying to get comfortable- and that is even during the brief time our dry aching eyes are actually closed. It is not restorative at all.

I have had to learn to stop feeling false guilt for reacting to my pain when the levels are high enough to launch a rocket. That's how I feel during a flare. But I have got to remember that I didn't ask for this and am not responsible for succumbing to this painful syndrome.

I must remember that fibromyalgia pain-or indeed any pain, makes the vicissitudes of life that much harder to bear. Everything is exaggerated both physically and mentally, and the only thing I can do is accept that this is not my usual self, for pain changes people.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent. Psalm 71:9

It's calling my name!

Today is a mild day weather wise. We are sitting on 20C with mild winds and no storm activity. I am sitting here wondering why I have no spoons and am lacking the energy even to have a shower.

Fibromyalgia is a mystery to me. Just as I think I have it worked out, a new or worsened flare springs me unawares, and I find myself unable to think clearly. Even my eyes have trouble focussing today, so pacing myself's not going to work.

There's much to do here as well because I have been in a flare for a few days now. I am even too tired and sore to follow any lists at all. Except Thursdays' List. All one does on Thursdays is rest. I think I will have to treat today as a Thursday. Which is the beauty of Lists: you can exchange days to accommodate how you feel....

There's a few things I must do today:

1. Cook a beef stew in the slow cooker
2. Rest

The first one is done and the second is a work in progress. I feel no false guilt anymore.  It's the only way I can get over this flare. Otherwise tomorrow will be just like today where it's all too much. 

For today, rest is my own prescription to get well. Besides, I can hear my bed: it's calling my name! 

God plans for our future and hope

It is said that all work and no play make Jack a dull boy. I believe that is true. As wives and mothers we can get so involved with taking care of others that we forget to take care of ourselves. We need to take time to smell the roses and we need to watch our children at play and learn to play again. 

Adulthood shouldn't be the end of play and laughter. The scriptures teach us that a merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken Proverbs 15:13 It is hard to be cheerful some days and certainly work overload can break one's spirit- if we let it. I have found that a smile actually promotes a cheerful spirit and gets a positive response. 

So how does one create a cheerful enough spirit to raise a smile? I believe it is by a few things: 

 1) The Psalms and Ephesians tell us to develop an attitude of gratitude. Just thank God continually with songs of praise and thanks. Start to see beyond the nappies and try to catch a glimpse of the beauty of motherhood. There are many many women who long to be mothers- that's a reason to be thankful.

2) Develop a plan to organise your home and life into manageable portions so as not to become overwhelmed. Don't procrastinate around the home but roll up your sleeves and get going and do it! Nothing robs us of joy like procrastination! And get your work done as quickly as you can and as well as you can in order to do the things you like to do- I love to surf the Net and write. Whatever it is that you enjoy, get your work out of the way and then enjoy yourself. 

3) When you work- work hard! When you play- play hard! But don't play when you work and don't work when you play! Just get your work done and then have a ball! Just enjoy doing what you love to do and don't feel guilty- God doesn't make us feel guilty- we make ourselves feel guilty! We must remember we must live our lives in balance: relaxation and enjoyment are a part of that balance! 

Enjoyment of life is critical to giving the best of yourself to your husband, your children, and your friends. Of all the species on earth, we are just about the only ones to forget to play daily. Unless you take time to recharge your batteries, even your relationship with God will become stale through depression! 

4) Try to think of those things that are positive, praiseworthy, pure and think only of those things. Phil ippians 4:8 Remember that all we have is today- don't worry about yesterday, do your best today, and leave tomorrow in God's Hands. God has given His Word: His plans are for our future and hope.

 © Glenys Robyn Hicks

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Travelling on the path of illness

It's amazing how when you aren't chronically ill how you take so many things for granted. Things like getting in and out of a bath, taking a shower, even toileting when your back is in spasm, bending forward to clean your teeth, standing at the kitchen sink, wiping benches in the kitchen, sweeping the floor or simply bending to pick something up....

It once was an easy task to climb up and down stairs, get on and off trams or buses, walk to the letterbox and push a shopping trolley around the supermarket. Not any more...

Everything we do has to be measured up and spoons metered out before a task is actually done. It certainly impinges on our spontaneity. For us, there usually are lots of ramifications when we have tried to be spontaneous. Pain and more of it!..

Once when we went to bed, we would expect to go straight to sleep, have pleasant dreams and wake up refreshed. Now we often watch the clock go round, drift off if we are lucky and dream of pain as we toss and turn in our sleep, only to wake up feeling like a truck has hit us.

Normals would probably view our hesitancy to do a task as procrastination or laziness, and before becoming a Sacrificial Home Keeper or chronically ill woman, I would have as well... but we simply are adapting to our new normal...

When our illness is invisible like fibromyalgia for instance, we just want to be respected and understood, but inevitably, we are judged. Especially so if we have become overweight because of illness...  it is us who suffer from guilt (false guilt really) that unkind judges of our body put upon us. This invariably leads to depression and overeating in an effort to gain energy to move more, or simply for comfort.

I am just so glad that God knows exactly what is in our heart and understands. He knows our frame and we are loved unconditionally- and this is so comforting to us who only know scathing remarks and criticism in this fallen world we are travelling through on the path of illness.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

The LORD will strengthen him on his bed of illness; You will sustain him on his sickbed. Psalm 41:3

Where they come to die

How many of us have received an email chain letter? You know the kind:- if you love Jesus, pass this along to 50 of your friends..... if you don't you will go to Hell...

If you have a heart, you will forward this email to all your friends so that this little girl who needs a life-saving operation will live because Google will pay x amount towards it for every 1000 forwarded emails...

Modern technology has taken over the role of the snail mail chain letter of yesteryear.  You know the one where a 5 cent coin was taped onto the letter, urging you to invest in some pyramid selling technique. If you don't do so, you will live in poverty...

I remember once receiving one at work. The threat was if I- or whoever else it was who opened the mail didn't act on their advice and send out another x amount of copies of said letter, that I would lose my job and end up penniless. My employer would go broke yada yada... my boss said (wisely) to file it in the round file also known as waste paper basket.

We even have the modern form of chain letters on Facebook these days.... LIKE if you want to save the cute little puppy from being flayed alive for its fur in China... LIKE if you love your mother. If you don't LIKE your mother link, you are going to lose your mother.... or have 60 years bad luck yada yada..

These and many other variations of chain letters are designed to pull at the heart strings, elicit a reaction and produce an action. Usually just to delight the initiators of them.  My emails and LIKES on FB won't save the child or the puppy, keep me from going to Hell or keep me in a job. The only power they have is to promote fear. The bottom line is they survive on FEAR and SUPERSTITION.

I got an emailed one yesterday stating that a prayer which was a well known one was a novena from Mother Theresa and if I did not forward it to all my friends, I would not know Gods' blessing... I deleted it!

I deleted it because I know Whom I love and serve. And it is unworthy of Him to entertain even a moments' fear on account of an email from some airhead.  I know my worth and life is in the Hands of a loving Saviour Who has my best interests at heart. I need not fear some intimated threat from an uneducated moron who has nothing better to do with his/her life.  I have a life grounded in faith and service that relies solely on God.

I don't base my life on luck or superstition, and if any email or letter chain or message comes to me, it comes to me to die.

So if  you receive any form of chain letter, disregard it. Delete it. File it in the round file. Forget it. No harm will befall you or your family and interests.  We stand on solid ground, not the shaky sand of fear and superstition.

We serve an almighty God Who keeps us in the palm of His Hand. That's more secure than passing on an email to all my friends...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

Grace and mercy starts with us!

When I have prolonged flares of my fibromyalgia, like at the moment, I often lapse into depression. Often this is brought on by false guilt and grief for the way my life is now and comparing how it was prior to fibro.

In order to avoid going into the Pit of Despair, I have to recognise that I am not only under physical attack with my illness, but spiritual attack. If the evil one can get me to listen to my thoughts of defeat, self-condemnation, grief and sadness, then he has won. He has ruined my day.

It is at times like these that I have to put on the Armour of God and after that to then bring these negative thoughts into the captivity of Christ. I need to remember that God loves me no matter how fast I spin my wheel.

And this is a BIGGIE: God only requires that I love Him with my whole heart, mind and soul, that I love justice and mercy and that I walk humbly with Him. It's nothing to do with limitations brought on by illness or disability or our lack of energy to do things.

It's never been a case of what I have done or do, but rather what He has done. We don't earn our salvation: it's a free Gift.

So in line with this, is the fact that we survive solely on Grace. God's Grace towards us is unfathomable. But do we impart grace to ourselves when we live as chronically ill women?

We are called to love mercy, but are we being merciful to ourselves when we are incapacitated with chronic illness? Listening to negative thoughts is not showing mercy or grace to ourselves.

We need to remember that we are still walking humbly with God, even if that walk is with a walking stick, frame or wheelchair. For we walk by faith- and in God's Sight, there is no mobility aid or even disability. We are walking in the Spirit, and that is a priceless thing that is eternal.

Therefore, as God loves us where we are at, let us lay aside the lies of the evil one and fix our gaze on God and His promises to us.

We may or may not be healed before He takes us Home, but whether we live in health or not: we are the LORD'S. Let's remember that, especially when we are in our worst flare, and be gracious and merciful to ourselves. Grace and mercy starts with us!


© Glenys Robyn Hicks


He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8