It's too much effort!

We live in a society that disposes of things that could be repaired, without so much as a thought. The TV goes grainy, or the washer breaks down, and immediately a new one is purchased. Friendships are left for dead at the slightest argument instead of working on it and preserving it. On average a person will move house every 4 years.

We are geared to instant fixes and change.Raising children is often too much effort and the mother will leave her children in day care when it isn't even necessary that she work outside the home. Or if the family is affluent, children are packed off to boarding school so others have the task of raising them.

Something that I find worrying is the increase in divorce, even amongst the church. People in general bail out  too soon in  their  marriage  and don't allow  much time  to sort out  difficulties.  Because of society's immediate gratification leaning, often they find that working through problems takes far too much effort.t is easier to simply give up on it.

In line with this, I am completely baffled that often divorced people say that they remain  good friends and that they have an amicable relationship. T hey often say that they are better friends now than when they were married. I wonder about that and my question is-  if they can remain good friends, then why are they divorced?

A quite common occurrence in society today is the trial separation... In my opinion, this is the first step to complete  breakdown of a marriage.  Reconciliation is much harder with separate lives.  In fact,  statistics show  that  most married people who  are in a trial separation  either  quickly  learn to enjoy their pseudo freedom,  or  another  person  enters  the  scene,  thereby  causing  adultery to  become part  of this  new lifestyle. It brings death to a marriage and violates scripture for Christian marriage.  1 Corinthians 7:5 

Please note that I am not talking about a separation for spousal abuse of you or your children.... if you are being abused, it is imperative that you distance yourself from it. There must be time given for repentance for the abuser and it only is sensible that you are away from harm whilst waiting for change..

What society doesn't take into account much is that trial separation, unfaithfulness, divorce and lack of effort in restoring relationships exact a terrible toll on any children of the marriage. Far better to work things out under the same roof and keep the family intact. Alas, with today's society, it usually is too much effort!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: Hebrews 12:14

Out of control

My first marriage was very violent and traumatic for me. I was constantly shouted at by my ex-husband, with him screaming at me so closely that there was spittle on my glasses and face. This was often punctuated with a smack across the face or a punch in the jaw. In fact, he dislocated it once and to this day, I have problems with clicky jaw and TMJ...

Just after our 17th anniversary, I was trying to get something down from our wardrobe and I was standing on a bedside table..the table toppled over and my leg was badly bruised, but what hurt the most was that my husband came in roaring at me and punched me between the shoulder blades.. I don't know what happened, but I started howling and screaming like a wild woman and I couldn't stop it or the shaking that convulsed my body... even he was shocked..

I rang my mother and she took me to the doctor who gave me an injection to calm me... it did nothing. Mum rang him and he said that she should take me to hospital as he couldn't help any further..   So for the whole day I sat beside my hospital bed, blowing into a paper bag and talking to the psychiatrist for more than a couple of hours. He gave me a diagnosis of  extreme  stress and urged me to leave my husband,  which I did 8  years later.  I was discharged and sent home to my husband who informed me that I wasn't mad and didn't need to go to hospital even though he said I was mad every time I reacted to his abuse..

Being so low emotionally and mentally gave me insight into the way people view mental illness.. my family were appalled that I needed to talk to someone about it and I was urged to keep it private. This served to make me feel more alone and isolated than I already felt. To this day, fully recovered and now happily remarried, I feel anger at society's handling of the mentally ill..

Nervous breakdowns, stress induced illnesses, bi-polar, depression, schizophrenia and other mental illnesses do not make a person bad or someone to be hidden from society. We need to remember that they are suffering from invisible illnesses every bit as painful as a broken leg. We need to pray for them and treat them respectfully. They already will be suffering the added burden of shame and guilt for something that is out of their control.. 

PS I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder now. But in spite of being happily remarried for 21 years, I find I am still effected by my past marriage...

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.' Isaiah 41:13

Letter to those remarrying

As most of you already know, I am a remarried woman after a divorce from a violence-filled 25 year marriage. In my new marriage we have 6 adult children and 15 grandchildren plus a great-granddaughter between us. We have been married for 22 years. This can make for lots of misunderstandings when a new marriage takes place.

This discussion is not to debate the theological issues or fault-finding. It is to encourage you in making a truly fresh start as you seek to blend not only your lives, but that of any children of previous marriages. So here a few thoughts that come to mind.

Try not to fall into the trap of comparing former spouses or marriages. I think it is detrimental to the forming of a new family bond to liken your new marriage with your past one or to compare habits, lifestyle etc. Woe be to the spouse who voices an unfavourable comparison to his/her spouse- that is a powder keg of gunpowder in a new marriage!

Make a pact before the marriage where there are his and her children to treat them all equitably and restrain from making comparisons between yours and theirs.

It is critical to the new marriage and family that past issues have been discussed and sorted out if possible. Never in the heat of an argument should it be said that "you sound just like he/she did!" This is a whole new ball game!

Resolve to keep the priorities of a Christian home as they should be:

God

Husband

Wife

Children

Home

Church

Do not enlist your children as back up should an argument arise! They are no longer part of the former marriage but should be included into the new marriage as children of that marriage and not used as ammunition or cover.

Keep unkind comments about the other spouse's children, ex-spouse and family to yourself- it is counter-productive to the peace of your new marriage to drag that up.

Concentrate on fostering a peaceful home for the nurturing of children who are undergoing the test of a life-time and try to see the situation through their eyes. They probably are grieving over the loss of their dream of Mum and Dad getting back together. Be understanding and compassionate.

Even if you cannot in all honesty say you love them as your own, show your step-children Christ-like love and compassion and guide them towards acceptance of this new situation.

Remember that some things will trigger a flash back for you or your spouse from the previous marriage and try to be forgiving and understanding of them or yourself.

Above all, make Christ the Head of your home and marriage and commit this marriage into His keeping. Remember the reasons for the first marriage's demise and try to learn from it so as not to repeat any mistakes of the past.

Ask forgiveness from the LORD for any fault of your own and then move on to a new life of faith and forgiveness, resolving to make this marriage and new family solid on the firm foundation of Christ and His peace and love, and particularly, of His forgiveness and grace.


© Glenys Robyn Hicks

But thou, O Lord, [art] a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth. Psalm 86:15

Behind closed doors

She came to our Pastors' wife. Battered and worn out from years of domestic violence and abuse, she looked like a frightened and nervous child. At 34, she had seen more violence and had been on the receiving end of more blows than most people even dreamed about.

Not knowing why exactly she had come, she sought the Pastors wife out for prayer and godly advice, not really expecting anything more than an arm around her and Gods' peace- for she needed Him so desperately!

With her stomach aching and bruised in places one never sees, she told her sad tale of spousal rape, an assault that not only caused much physical damage 5 weeks after major womens' surgery, but which left her terrified of her husband. Sleeping in the bed with him was a torment that birthed nightmares and a feeling of suffocation: an aftermath of him smothering out her screams with her pillow.

What did this hurting woman receive? Certainly not compassion: her ears rang as she was told that he had his needs! After all, 5 weeks is a long time for a man! She replied that she had just had surgery. Stitches. Repairs! She was feeling dreadfully alone and condemned. Especially when she was told that there are other things you could do for him! Oh yes, but not to a cold man who disliked kissing and other displays of affection.

Choking on her tears, the frightened wife told her that she hadn't denied him, had just asked for gentleness this one time. But what followed was the worst rape and rage that she had ever known in her then 18 years of marriage.

Unable to share this in public and afraid to cast her husband in a bad light with her family, she turned to the only place where she could perhaps find her God and feel Him in her life again. A God Who watched silently while she suffered, it seemed to her.

Instead she was thrown to the lions. Shot by her own. Condemned and made to feel ashamed and guilty for the act of a sadistic man. Betrayed and humiliated, she left the Pastors' office after being further admonished to cook better, forgive and forget and to remember that he was an unbeliever thus a 'poor sinner', unable to help himself. Oh yes, and she was to smile! And with a witness like that, he would be sure to come to Christ! It was almost verbatim the advice that Debi Pearl gives in her dangerous book, Created To Be His Helpmeet. And the book hadn't even been written!

Where is this woman today? Well, fortunately, God did meet her in her darkest hour. She cooked better, prayed harder, believed for a miracle of love to be born, stayed for another 7 years and suffered from sleep deprivation and fear. She walked on egg shells but kept believing that God would change her husband.

Finally, unable to keep any food down for fear, she decided that she couldn't bear any more. She timidly approached her husband one night, and asked him to seek marriage counselling or she would be gone in the morning. His response was the same as always: he had done nothing wrong. Marriage counselling was a waste of time he said: indeed, he wouldn't know for he opted not to attend each time a session had been arranged. She told him she would be gone in the morning and he agreed, "OK, go!"

She took only the clothes on her back and her baby photos, carried in two garbage bags for she was afraid to take anything that he would come after her for. She found a church that was compassionate and loving. She divorced him. Four years later, God blessed her with a godly new husband who loves her and who allowed her to start living at the ripe old age of 45! And her children rejoiced for her!

What would this woman say to you if you are abused? She would tell you to use sound judgement and remove yourself and your children from all harm. She would say that you should give your abusive husband time to repent before initiating divorce proceedings, and that you should give God time to work in your husbands' heart.

However, she would say that if there is no change after a few years or if there is threat of him coming after you, that you should consider a divorce. Life is precious and she now knows that we serve a God Who cares deeply about what goes on with His children, even behind closed doors.

I know she would advise you not to take to heart the advice for abused wives from Debi and Michael Pearl in Created To Be His Helpmeet, but to use common sense. She also would tell you to stand strong against the stigma you *may* receive if you divorce: your divorce is a matter between you and God and is not the unpardonable sin. He knows what may go on behind closed doors!

Finally, she would tell you to not suffer in silence and risk death as she did. If you are Christians, she would tell you that domestic violence is not a sole practice of the heathen: it *can* and *does* occur in the Church.

She would be the first to put an arm around you and pray for you, admonishing you to never throw away your confidence that is in Christ: no matter where or when trouble comes, He does see and does care. God calls us to live in peace... that is what she would lovingly tell you. I know this because, that girl was me.

Yes, God hates divorce, but He also hates the violence and treachery that leads to it!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet [is] she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14

When a woman is abused...

As most of you know, I was a badly abused wife for 25 long years... when I found this post today, I cried.  It was as if the writer had seen inside my heart...

One can heal from spousal abuse if they are lucky enough to break free of it, but as well as physical scars, there are often emotional scars that never go away...

If you are an abused wife who is in danger, or your children are in danger, it is imperative that you get to safety somehow.  Unfortunately, many women die at the hands of a husband or partner....

There is terrible advice being given to abused Sisters today.... and in particular via Debi Pearl.

For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for [one] covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.  Malachi 2:16 

Malachi 2:16 tells us that God hates divorce BUT He also hates the violence and treachery some use against their spouse, thus making the marriage an unsafe place to be....  here are those words in the post  by Joyful Mother.... 

(Statistics tell us that approximately one in three women are abused at some point in their life. That means that if you yourself are not abused then surely you know someone who is.)

If a Christian woman is abused by her husband, whether the abuse is emotional, physical, spiritual or sexual, it isn’t because
she didn’t submit enough,
she hasn’t tried hard enough,
she didn’t love him enough,
she didn’t spend enough time in prayer for her husband
and for their marriage,
that she didn’t study the Word
or didn’t believe the Word
or didn’t try to obey the Word with everything within her.

If she gets to the point where she is thinking about separating from her husband, or even divorcing him, after many hours of prayer and many hours of Bible study and more tears than you could ever even begin to imagine, it doesn’t necessarily follow that

she never loved him,
she is a feminist,
that she wants to be separated or divorced,
that she doesn’t believe in biblical womanhood,
that she didn’t long for a traditional marriage,
that she didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife,
that she isn’t a good Christian.

If you should happen to meet a woman who has been abused, you will probably think that she is
distant,
cold,
self-involved,
shy.

Most likely this is because she is
shattered,
broken,
alone
and confused.

If you have never walked in her steps, if you’ve never heard the words designed to destroy you coming from the mouth of the one who swore before God and others that he would love you forever, if you’ve never been, literally and physically backed into a corner with absolutely no way out, then you probably have absolutely no clue how

betrayed,
devastated,
shocked,
heart-broken
and hurt an abused woman feels.

If a woman has been beaten down, physically or emotionally, and she is brave enough to seek help,
go to her,
applaud her,
pray for her and with her,
and help her,
because, most likely, she has absolutely no idea what she is going to do next.

Her fear and confusion will be even more evident, more overwhelming, more devastating to her if she has children. Remember that and love her and love her children, also.
Comfort them,
pray for them,
listen to them,
do something kind for them,
let them know that someone cares
even if their daddy doesn’t.

Emotional abuse, physical abuse, spiritual abuse and sexual abuse of wives is real and far more common than most folks realize. It happens even in what others perceive to be “Christian” families. Even if the abuse is just aimed at the wife, the children will still be injured from the fallout. Frequently, though, it isn’t just fallout that hurts them; abusers of wives often go on to become abusers of children, too.

Often abuse doesn’t stop with just words even if that is where it starts. If a man will break his wife with his words, many times, he will manifest force against her somehow, someway, sometime. It just might bleed out to the children, also.Abuse isn’t the wife’s fault. It isn’t the children’s fault. No one deserves to be hurt like this.

If you know about a case of domestic abuse, consider that perhaps God has put you here with this family and has prepared you for such a time as this. If so, you have an obligation to

pray,

to love,

to be available to her as she tries to rebuild her life

and the lives of her children,

to listen

and listen again and again,

to cry with her,

to protect,

to defend,

to get her and her children to safety if need be

and to help her start over.

When it is over, when she has taken the step to protect her and her children that she never dreamed that she would ever have to take, remember that she doesn’t need condemnation, she needs assurance that she is accepted and safe with you and in her church.

Keep in mind that…

her dreams are gone, help her to dream new ones;

her life is shattered, help her to build it again;

her children need love and guidance, see yourself as part of their healing;

she herself needs a friend, be one

and always, always pray for her and for her children.......... end of quote  -by Joyful Mom... thank you!

Blessings, Glenys

For the LORD,  the God of Israel,  saith that he hateth putting away:  for [one] covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.  Malachi 2:16 

About this blog

Once if you were to sit with me sharing a cuppa, it wouldn’t take long before we spoke about housework being repetitious and boring….which, let’s face it: it is!  We would probably touch on the fact that we are stuck at home whilst our husbands get to be out in the world away from the monotony. Before too long, we would be having a real pity party bemoaning our lot as wives, mothers and homemakers. Once.

I say “once” because the LORD has led me through the path of Homemaker’s Discontent and has graciously deposited me in Contentment Valley. He has shown me that He has given all homemakers the choice part in life. How I regret that I didn’t realise this years ago, but later is better than never and I am grateful for the realisation that God is with me and is interested in my daily activities.

There is no secret to my realisation: it is simply having a heart change. An attitude that says that we will accept that God’s Word is true and that we will submit to Him and live our life accordingly.

To live our life as God has ordained for the Christian wife and mother, we must know what our priorities in life are. Our priorities as wives and mothers following Christ are:

• God


• Husband


• Children


• Home


• Church

When you put God’s priorities in order, He is being served first, second, third, fourth and fifth. If you are a wife and mother, then you have your calling: you don’t have to go around looking for other callings. You have been called to serve God and to birth and raise Warriors for Him.

“Morning Cuppas With Glenys” is the name I have chosen for this blog because I love to encourage Christian women in their most precious calling. As my usual habit is to have a morning cuppa and spend time in the Word and prayer, I thought that title would be fitting...

I will be sharing my heart as an older Sister in Christ and in the spirit of Titus 2 and Proverbs 31. Generally my posts will be in the five categories of service: God, Husband, Children, Home and Church.

A lot of conservative Christian sites paint an unrealistic picture of life- they never seem to have any failures and never admit to any if they do. This is misleading to the Body of Christ. I try to be honest in my blog and believe personal transparency is crucial to helping and encouraging each other.

It is my prayer that you will catch the beauty and freedom we have in Christ by accepting our marriage, children and home as our first and most precious calling and ministry.

“See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” Ephesians 5:15-17Please note that all posts regarding members of my family or my friends are posted with their permission.