Over the years I have noticed a growing trend in both Christian and non-Christian people to prolong their engagement over many years, and often not even to end up marrying. Often there is an engagement party and the couple are asked if they have set a date for their wedding. Usually there is no real indication of when they plan to marry, just a vague wave of the hand and a casual "when we get around to it" attitude.
In biblical times a Jewish betrothal was generally about 12 months. However, the betrothal was as if the couple were married and in fact to break the betrothal would require a divorce. Sexual relations did not take place. Indeed if a betrothed person was found to have had intercourse with someone not their betrothed, they could be stoned for adultery.
A marriage contract was called a Ketubah During this time, the groom would prepare a place for his betrothed wife. There was never any doubt that a marriage would be consummated, but the exact date was usually known only to the groom. The bride stayed with her parents and waited for her groom.
Today, there are no real expectations or enforcements of engagements. They can be broken with a minimum of outward fuss- most fuss being internalised and emotional. Other times, the young couple will just cohabit as if married and there is no wedding ring- ever. But an engagement is not a marriage.
For young Christians who become engaged, the temptation to become sexually involved is strong, and for this reason I believe an engagement shouldn't be prolonged. And just like marriage, an engagement shouldn't be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. Christians are different from the unsaved in that when one gives a promise or their word, we should carry it through.
For those considering marriage, make sure that you are fully intending to marry and that your engagement isn't too long. Impurity and cohabitation are not in God's plan for our life: He wants us to marry and bear precious seed for Him.
Becoming engaged is a promise to marry, not a promise to be exclusively available for a "permanent" relationship, nor is it to be seen as a licence for cohabitation. Betrothal from the earliest times has been seen to precede a marriage.
Becoming engaged is a promise to marry, not a promise to be exclusively available for a "permanent" relationship, nor is it to be seen as a licence for cohabitation. Betrothal from the earliest times has been seen to precede a marriage.
Everlasting engagements can be the gateway to failure in being godly wives and mothers. They can lead to us being left with just our engagement ring and memories, and perhaps, with a baby or two in tow.
© Glenys Robyn Hicks
And I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies. Hosea 2:19
Very true.
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
DeleteI'm with you. I think an ideal engagement period is 3 weeks! ;-D I have encouraged all of my children to keep it at no longer than 3-4 months. Once you've made that commitment, you've given yourself to one another in your hearts and spirits. Keeping apart physically is such a struggle.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the tradition of the betrothal in scripture and for linking this up...good encouraging words!
Very wise counsel, Kate! That gives one plenty of time to make arrangements! Blessings!
DeleteYep, my engagement was 3 months. When you know he's the one then there's no sense in burning with passion. Thanks for sharing this, Glenys.
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
DeleteI didn't know all that about Jewish betrothals. Very interesting! And I agree with your advice against a long engagement. My now husband and I were engaged for nearly a year before we married for numerous reasons, but it was VERY hard. We want to encourage short engagements for our daughters. Thanks for your well-written post. I'm a new follower. Found you on Teaching What is Good.
ReplyDeleteKeri
Good advice too, Keri! Blessings and welcome to my blog!
DeleteThe binding vow and solemnity of marriage seem to have been lost, even among believers :-( Recently I posted mentioning our distress over a number of people close to us who have walked away from their marriages. Short engagements, yes, I do agree. But not rushing into marriage. I think just don't get engaged and married until one is really sure.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely no engagement until one is really sure. Engagement should be treated with the seriousness of marriage! Thanks for sharing a cuppa with me, Ruby!
ReplyDeleteVery sound advice, Glenys. I read a Christian article a few years ago that really made me rethink many of my ideas about marriage. Sometimes we encourage our adult children to "take their time" "enjoy their singleness" "have their career in place" before marrying. And what we are really doing is promoting selfishness, immaturity, and premarital sex. I'd never thought about it before, but it is true that young people are marrying much later in this generation. This goes along well with what you've said here...engagements are meant to finalize the marriage process, not put it off even longer. Thanks for these insights! Gail (BibleLoveNotes.com)
ReplyDeleteBlessings and thanks for sharing a cuppa with me, Gail!
DeleteMy son is about to marry, he is 24, his wife will just be 23 (they are marrying on her birthday) - they are considerably younger than most people in their generation to get married. Most put it off until their later 20's. They have had a longer engagement, it would have been better if they had got married quicker, but I am just thankful they are getting as many don't, instead live in a defacto relationship.
ReplyDeleteTrue, Joluise! Congratulations to your son. :)
DeleteI hadn't realized the change in engagements until you pointed it out. I will certainly be adding this to my storehouse of wisdom for when I chat with the younger ladies. Well said, Glenys!
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