Morning Cuppas With Glenys

Dead tired

A woman who suffers from a chronic illness or disability often finds herself at the end of "normals'" ideas of being tired. We are often looked at with contempt for being so tired that we can't perform our daily duties properly. Or that we have to go to bed early, rise late, or cancel social engagements at the last minute. We are not lazy.

Before Corona, we were regarded with suspicion when we couldn't make it to church regularly and people harshly judged our spiritual health, deeming us backslidden. Emotional and spiritual hurt exacerbates our ill state. We feel worse and they lack compassion.

Often we have to cancel doctors' appointments because we are too sick to get there. We find we can't drive and even if we could, we haven't got the strength to even get washed and dressed. It is not unheard of that some of us have crumpled in the shower, unable to get out and totally winded...

Our "tired" goes far beyond a sleepiness or drowsy feeling. We are so fatigued that breathing is too much effort and not for the first time we are grateful it's automatic.

Furthermore, our "tired" is not helped by a nanna nap or even 9 hours of sleep. We fight our illness and pain even in our dreams and wake up unrefreshed and have to face another day when we haven't recuperated from the day before. We simply have run out of spoons.

"Tired" is overused and doesn't come close to the bone sucking quagmire of desperate fatigue we chronically ill people find ourselves sinking into constantly. To have "normals" flippantly say, "Me too!" when we tell them we are tired invalidates us and makes us long for their brand of tiredness that can be restored through a good sleep.

We cannot even enjoy a shower or bath to help us sleep as the effort it takes to do this not only drains us of whatever energy we can find, but does not always bring a restorative sleep. Just muscle pain.

Such is my own pain on going to bed that I find I cannot place my arms anywhere comfortable. My fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica make it impossible to raise my arms upwards and extending them hurts my muscles and tendons. So I go to sleep with my arms folded on my chest.

I indeed look like a cadaver which has been laid out and testifies somewhat to the feeling of being dead in my tracks. Because that's the type of exhaustion we face every day: we truly feel dead tired.

Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalm 71:9

Only God can change your man!

My childhood was not a really good one. My father was an alcoholic and Mum's brother who lived with us was also one. Anger and domestic violence were our lot, especially on weekends.

My mother particularly hated drink and was a tea-totaller herself. I wondered why she married Dad as they were not really well suited. But I think Mum made the fatal mistake of thinking that her love would be stronger than the alcohol and that she would change him after they were married.

Unfortunately, the alcohol was stronger than his love for her, and Mum became a vicious shrew to him and us children.

The more Mum tried to change Dad, the more he rebelled and I can still remember him sitting in his armchair in the lounge room. He would look thoughtfully at the glass of beer he was holding and say loudly, 'I am what I am!' and Mum would taunt him by singing "Nowhere man!" to him. We would then have to flee late at night with Dad throwing beer bottles at us as we frantically ran down the street.

I know God can miraculously deliver people from alcoholism, but unfortunately Dad only gave it up when he had open heart surgery at the tender age of 50. He died six weeks later...

I didn't pick up on the red flags in my own hasty marriage in 1969. At the tender age of 16 I got engaged, became pregnant and married two months later. It was a marriage that nearly didn't take place.

As I said, I should have seen the red flags: the cruelty to animals, the bashing of homosexuals: (before I met him, but he bragged about it), the talking over me, and the strong will that was overbearing. Well, I think I did see those flags, as after a particularly nasty argument, I decided I would break the engagement.

I was a little hesitant to do that because my period was late. I broke my parents' hearts when I told them the result was positive and they offered me a view options.

They would arrange an abortion: no way would I abort a child. Besides, I was hoping that my child perhaps would love *this* love-starved child.

They would keep the child and raise it as their own: they would have to be kidding- I was already planning the nursery in a home where there would be peace. After all, love would conquer all once we were married...

Or they would arrange a hasty marriage... that was the option I took.

But there was no peace, for no sooner had the confetti blown away than the abuse started and when I lost those twin girls six months later, I cried for the babies dying and for the mess I was in.

My marriage lasted 25 long years and I had plenty of time to realise that love does not conquer all. It is far better to stay single than be with the wrong person.

If you can't respect him or condone what he does prior to marriage, don't marry him! People do not usually change just because you marry them or you have a child.

Look carefully before you enter into marriage and never think you will have the power to change your husband after you become his wife.

We are his wife first, not his mother. Wives accept their husbands as they are, they don't train him.

Don't marry him if you have any doubts and think you can change him after, because only God can change your man!

He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man. Psalm 18:48

And having done all.. to stand!

God wants us to be strong and He knows in the world, His children will be fighting many battles on a daily basis. Even with ourselves.

We will be tempted every day to do that which is not God honouring and we have to make choices every single day. Often we need extra strength from the Holy Spirit to actually do that which is right.

Whilst we battle our carnal side to bring it into submission, we will find that we need to call on God and bring to mind scripture. That is how we know what is right and pleasing to God. So we need to be in the Word daily.

Prayer is a vital tool to overcome and live righteously. Our Father is always attentive to the cries of His Children and we should pray fervently and often. About everything.

Gratitude and worship and praise are also integral parts of the Christian's armour of spiritual weapons, for in using them, the devil will flee. And by thanking God and worshiping and praising Him, we will find our own spirits elevated.

There is joy in the Christian life if one applies the armour of God according to scripture, but it must be donned daily for our battle against sin, flesh and the devil is constant.

Being a loving Father that He is, God has equipped us with the means of defeating the evil around us, and having done all...to stand.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword fo the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints- and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak. Ephesians 6:10-20

God still owns tomorrow

We are living in a time of global tribulation. Pestilence in the form of the Covid is frightening most of the world and those who aren't taking it seriously are fools. It is a time to sit and ask yourself where your faith lies.

Certainly we can have faith in doctors and nurses who risk their own lives to save those who succumb to this virus. But they cannot save everyone.

We can have faith in the governments of the world who try to contain it. But even so, it is proving difficult to trust them.

We need to take on board that God has us all in His Hand. All we can do is comply with what the authorities are telling us to do and trust that God will allow the virus to dissipate quickly with minimum loss of life.

We can only take on the problems of today... and we can only overcome by acknowledging that God is in control, even when it seems that He is not. He is never taken by surprise.

Jesus told us that we would have tribulation in the world and that sufficient unto the day are the problems of the day. We can't take on more than what we are doing in the present and we can't wish away our life, enduring it and not enjoying it.

We must trust in Him Who bore the sins of the world upon His shoulders. Only His shoulders are broad enough for taking on eternity. We must relinquish our anxieties and trust in Him. He will keep us in safety and carry us through this troubling time.

Our shoulders can't take on more than the worries of today. Only His shoulders can carry us through and we must remember that God still owns tomorrow.

"The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by Him, Who shelters him all the day long; And he shall dwell between His shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

Making the most of my spoons

So for the last few days I have been enjoying a respite from fibromyalgia pain. The weather has been lovely and sunny and the warmth has permeated my being and soothed a lot of muscle pain.

I have been decluttering our home and making extra meals to freeze for later on. It has been a novelty and a joy to have spoons to do it.

Aware that it can bring on a flare if I do too much, I have been pacing myself. I do 15 minutes sessions of decluttering with a rest in between. With cooking, I do about half an hour of food prep then take a rest as well.

I am enjoying my new dishwasher too. It certainly makes keeping up with the dishes and keeping my kitchen tidier easier. And that I find, encourages me to cook.

I really don't know how long this respite will last, but I'm grateful each day that I have absence from pain and fatigue.

Until you have a respite, you don't realise how challenging your life is. So for the moment, however brief it may be, I will be making the most of my spoons.

The Queen of List Making

So I did it again! Instead of cleaning up after dinner, I went to bed with dishes in the sink. I hate when I do that!

I mean, with fibromyalgia robbing me of a good restful sleep, the mornings are hard enough to face. Having a dirty kitchen to wake up to is the pits!

Most would think that it's just laziness, but by the time I have cooked dinner my spoons are almost gone. Yes gone! I am so done in by the end of the day that even lifting my arms up to put my nightie over them creates pain.

Oh, yes, I make lists and read motivational blogs and You tubes, but to no avail. I am the Queen of List Making. Yet my limited spoons dictate that I do very little and I am left with ashes in my mouth.

I know I said before that I have been keeping busy and that's true, but I now have a rebound fibro flare and coupled with our autumn cold snap with rain, I am in a lot of pain.

You would think that I would have worked out this fibromyalgia lurk after twenty years. And for the most part although I hate it, I have learned to exist with fibro without feeling false guilt that leads to depression.

Most days I accept my disability, but deep inside is a perfectionist screaming to get out! On days like this, I try to nest and I overextend my limits. Hello, Fibro Flare!

I am grateful to my husband Chris. He is an mild mannered man who is happy with how I do manage to keep our nest. He, and most people who come to visit- well in better days obviously- are happy with the state of our home.

It must be that I am my own worst enemy: trying to do the work of a much younger healthier woman: everything in its place and a place for everything. But always straining, never achieving thanks to Fibromyalgia. I need to accept what is and hang up my crown as the Queen of List Making.

Even so, He is Lord!

Chronic illness can make us feel that God is far away, so it is important to remember that our salvation does not rely on our feelings. For which I am truly grateful.

It is also important for us to turn to God when we feel at our worst. He is there to comfort and strengthen us in our worst pain and sadness.

Our faith can take a beating when we are in pain, but if we turn towards God, coming to Him like a tired and sick child, He will show us the depth of His love, compassion and comfort.

Don't berate yourself for feeling like He doesn't care or see... that only compounds our sadness. By turning to Him, even with tears, you will find the Compassion of a God Who understands pain because He died on a cross for you.

I don't know why God has chosen the path of suffering for me, but it is in that moment that I truly must acknowledge these thoughts and feelings and come to Him regardless. For even so, He is LORD.

God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

Resistance is futile

Fibromyalgia is a really difficult illness/syndrome to live with. It's the most painful and yet invisible of illnesses. It is difficult to diagnose and there's no specific test for it.

It's infuriating that you can go years without a diagnosis. Especially frustrating when doctors dismiss you. Even worse if they suggest it's all in your head, when everywhere hurts so much you could cry. And do.

My diagnosis after many years of suffering and tests was clinched when my skin came up in red welts after the rheumatologist pressed on my trigger points. I have since learned that it's called dermagraphica or skin writing.

One can never leave fibromyalgia or move away from it. One is never really out of a fibromyalgia flare as the smallest over extending of energy drags you back into another one.

Fibromyalgia brings emotional pain too as one tries to avoid looking ill but fails as the pain overrides the best of our intensive acting like a "normal"

There's no cure and one really doesn't move on but moves through it flare by flare, day in day out, year by year. One staggers through it. Lives it 24/7. Endures it.

No matter how hard we try to live a normal life, fibromyalgia accompanies us like a cloak of gloom around our shoulders. We soon learn we must accept it, for resistance is futile....

Plans for today: Today I had the lady come to clean our house and tomorrow we have a house inspection. My plans today are to keep the dishes under control and put away a few clothes from the washing today. Dinner will be pea and ham soup cooked in the slow cooker.

Flaring badly, I see a nana nap on my horizon...

Today's the day of salvation

I think most of us believers feel that God is slow in coming back for us, and we are frustrated and depressed as the world is a sad place.

I have studied eschatology and I believe that the LORD is coming for His Bride- us soon! very soon.

Let that blessed hope buoy you up. It does me. He is at the gates... Just keep trusting in Him for He loves us... look up my friend. Our redemption is nigh.

God's wrath is for the unbelievers and Israel to recognise the Saviour they rejected. We are not going through the Tribulation.

We leave soon. Look up... I will save you a seat at the Marriage Supper.... Maranatha! Choose joy. we are blessed!

If you don't know Jesus as LORD, you can be Rapture ready by being saved. You don't want to be left behind. Today's the day of salvation... don't leave it too long.

“Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth. Revelation 3:10

Clean enough to be healthy

I have had a perfectionist streak all my life, but in the last twenty or so years of ill health, I have had to learn to be content with a more relaxed approach to my home making.

Where once I would be consumed with (false) guilt because I made our bed without four corner tucks or I had the blankets bumpy on the bed, I have had to make do with a more lenient approach. I simply don't have the energy to do four corner tucks. However, even the bed made up quickly and sporting a lump here or there, is extremely satisfying to me now that I've gotten past the perfectionism.

Mornings are no longer the time for house keeping. I have to fit in what I can over however long it takes me... and be content at the end of the day that I actually got it done...

I no longer allow cleaning schedules to dictate to me what I must achieve in any given day or time frame: it gets done more or less within the schedule but on a time of my choosing. It's the only way a Sacrificial Home Keeper can manage..

In saying that I am no longer a perfectionist, I still like to live in a clean home. For me, there are basic things that are not negotiable. I cannot live my life happily unless these things are clean:

I must be clean.

My clothes must be clean.

My bed must be fresh and clean.

My dishes and cooking utensils must be clean.

I can't stand smelly toilets and these and my bathroom must be clean.

These days I need help to maintain this list of essentials. I do not go into a spin if a fly has died on my window ledge or there is some dust on my furniture. I have learned to accept white cat fur as a part of being a mother to a white cat. The floors can be in need of a vacuum, but I now have Roombas to do them. It has been years since I ironed something that only I will see... and I learned years ago that one can sleep on unironed pillowcases... it can be done!

I find cooking, shopping, menu and social planning, washing and folding of clothes, managing finances and being a loving wife to my husband is enough for me to cope with. I know from experience over the years that by not pacing myself, I will crash and burn and my recovery time will need more than an occasional nana nap...

Accepting our limitations is an important part of staying calm in a world that has become anything but. And for most of us Sacrificial Home Keepers, our world is our home.

One final thought that helped me was remembering what our family doctor once said to me when my children were young: "A home should be clean enough to be healthy, but untidy enough to be happy!" I am trusting that I have at last put his advice into action.

God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

The only Valentine's Day gift I needed

So yesterday was Valentine's Day and millions of lovers or would be lovers around the world celebrated with gifts, cards and romantic conversations.

To be honest, Chris and I don't usually celebrate it. "Why not?" you ask. We live Valentine's Day every day of the year. Our love is not acknowledged only once a year.

It has always been like this between us with no hurt feelings. We simply don't need it or find it necessary.

You can imagine my surprise when I read a message of love from Chris on my Facebook wall yesterday. I must confess, it was a happy surprise. You can believe me, I was quick to reply to it. It was fun...

Later on as Chris was saying Grace before we ate dinner, he thanked the LORD for our meal then he added, "..and thank You for my darling wife who cooked this meal, and please LORD, keep her safe!"

"What did you mean, Chris when you asked the LORD to keep me safe?" I asked when he had finished.

"Well, I can not bear to live without you: I asked Him to keep you safe!" he responded. I was misty-eyed and I told him how lovely that was to hear. He rose and came round the table to me and kissed me.

It was the only Valentine's Day gift I needed or wanted.

‘The heart of her husband safely trusts her: so he will have no lack of gain: she does him good and not evil all the days of her life’ Proverbs 31: 11-12

Keeping the homefires burning

Lately I have had a really long and debilitating fibromyalgia flare. I think it was brought on by stressing about my son who had a large kidney stone removed and was suffering badly with his kidney stent.

With over 50 renal stones and 5 surgeries to remove them, I literally felt his pain. He has been out of work due to his ordeal for 6 weeks and so it has been a worry to him and to me..

My fibromyalgia flare has effected my eyes some days. I have trouble focussing especially when reading and I have had double vision. That has been accompanied with the usual pain and the fatigue is out of this world.

I have found that just running our home to a basic plan has been more than enough for my body and after I do a few household chores, I feel so weak that I almost vomit. I just have to take a nana nap.

The life of a Sacrificial HomeKeeper is not an easy one. But we somehow push through those walls of fatigue and at least keep the homefires burning...

"I love you LORD my strength!" Psalm 18:1