Chipping away at the stone

So my fibromyalgia is back with a passion, making every muscle ache. I tried to take a bath a couple of days ago and I had great difficulty getting out. I had to use a pillow under my knee and I had no other option than to lean on it to get up. It was so painful and the consequences are enormous.

I know I shouldn't have tried with both knees with torn menisci and other ligament damage.  I was in so much pain that I longed for a bath to hopefully relax my muscles. It didn't. Nor did it help my sore neck with another episode of polymyalgia rheumatica.

This constant pain is wearing me down. My doctor is too afraid to give me pain relief and I am considering changing doctors. This creates anxiety in me. And to top it all off, I have been cranky and not really a nice person to be near at the moment.

With Chris ill himself, I seem to be carrying everything myself with no help in sight. Take this morning for example. I put on a load of washing, cleaned Xena's litter tray and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher.

Testing our blood sugar level before breakfast,  I asked Chris what he wanted for breakfast. He told me what he wanted, just sitting there waiting for me to get it for him. I am sorry to report that I arced up and told him to get it himself.

I added some other truths about him acting like he's the only one with pain and that I am tired of being his servant when all he does is watch TV and sleep all day. You gotta understand, that usually this isn't an issue, but the pain has truly worn me down.

Chris asked me what I had done so far this morning. I told him and he replied that it isn't necessary to push myself like I am doing. Push myself? Doing minimum household chores?

I told him I was just trying to live a normal life and he replied, "But you aren't normal! You have got to realise that and accept it!" But in fact, what I do is pared down to the bone housekeeping compared to what it was even 10 years ago. How much less can I do and still manage to live a relatively clean and organised life? Single handedly.

Over the 23 years of having fibromyalgia I have had a determination like stone. I would not let fibromyalgia or indeed any of my other painful conditions control my life. And for the most part it hasn't. Until today. It's chipping away at the stone.

We have gone mad!

It may seem strange to some, but even in the worst pain, you will find me playing Candy Crush in an effort to distract my mind from the pain.

The rheumatologist suggested to my daughter who suffers from fibromyalgia and pain post chemo, to use it as a distraction from the pain. She was one of these mind over matters kind of doctors. We were not very optimistic to be honest.

As a sufferer of not only fibromyalgia but ankylosing spondylitis, spinal canal stenosis coupled with bad arthitis and angina, I thought it may help me. It helps a little. But Tramadol would be better!

My doctor won't let me have them. Even though he knows I only take them as required for high pain days like today.   He gave it to me when my second knee tore and it helped my fibro pain so much. Then he closed shop!  

I  know there have  been many who abused pain-killers but when  basic pain relief is available only with a chemist's approval such as Panadol with codeine, it makes life more difficult for the person like myself,  to get any relief at all. 

With fibro flaring and another episode of polymyalgia rheumatica, I have been tempted to take some of my Prednisolone, but I am worried about the side effects. I tell you truly, I am feeling desperate.

So even though you may see me playing Candy Crush or online a lot, I can honestly say that it's for  medicinal purposes. I will be a Candy Crush addict any day if it will relieve the pain.

Just don't tell the do-gooders. If they think we are liable to become addicts, they'll make FB take it off their site! You fellow pain sufferers know they will. We have gone mad in our correctness!

Lovely stuff

As a long time member of the Fibromyalgia Club, I usually wake feeling unrefreshed and aching all over. I have never been hit by a bus or train, but I would imagine that early morning stiff feeling would be akin to it.

Almost in a trance, I find my way to my kettle and turn it on. I grab the milk out of the fridge and proceed to take my blood to determine how much sugar I have in my diabetic old body. Like my weight, there is always too much of it.

Whilst the bread is toasting, I check my diary to see if there's anything we have to attend to or go to. With fibro fog my second nature now, I write everything down so that I don't forget it. In spite of aches and no spoons, if I don't have to leave the house today, I may do a little soft shoe shuffle. No wait- not a shoe shuffle- a slipper shuffle.

Really, it's sad when you come to think of it. A day with no appointments or shopping makes my day. I don't even care that the bins go out more than I do. 

Pyjama days are splendid days and I look forward to any excuse during a fibro flare to allow me to lounge around in my nightie and dressing gown. On days like that, it is enough that I brush my teeth and wash my hands. Forget the trauma of taking a shower. That's a good day job!

With high blood readings lately, I have had to be strict with limiting sugars, but because I hate my tea with none or worse still, with artificial sweeteners, I only allow myself one treat: a cup of white tea, one teaspoon of sugar. Stirred not shaken.

My first cup of tea in the morning is the one I enjoy the most, and I find I can limit tea sweetening during the day. Give me the joy of a refreshing, uplifting *sweetened* cuppa in the morning and I will be a reasonably happy little diabetic warrior the rest of the day.

Most people need a coffee in the morning, but for me, it's tea all the way. I can't live a happy life without my morning cup of tea with milk and one: it truly is lovely stuff.

 

The only nice thing about it

So we went to the doctor yesterday to get our results from blood tests taken a few days ago. My blood pressure was 140/90 which was slightly better than last time, but still high.

He asked was anything bothering me and I had to tell him I am worried about Chris. Both of us have heart failure, high blood pressure, diabetes and cellulitis plus I have fibromyalgia. 

We both have pitting oedema on our feet and legs and the fatigue that comes from obesity and feeling sick. Dressing and showering is shared in that we help each other and because of exhaustion from showering, we shower every second day, taking opposite days. That way, we can help each other.

Our love language is touch in the form of massaging each other's feet and legs and our speech revolves around spoons and how much sugar is in everything that passes our lips.

We rarely leave home any more except for the doctor or chemist and our rubbish bins go out more than us. The highlight of our day is to discover we don't have any appointments or need a blood test. We are extremely relieved to know we can just stay home and have a PJ day.

It is unusual to call on us and not find at least one of us having a nana nap, particularly if we haven't slept well the night before.

When massaging Chris's feet or watching him sleep upright so that he doesn't feel like he's drowning in his fluid, I become anxious about how ill he looks and I fret that I will lose him.

I can't bear to think of that and when I do, I have to give it to the LORD in prayer and trust that He will grant us more time together.

All this angst does nothing to alleviate my fibromyalgia pain or help me get over a flare and I find myself taking mild pain relief every 6 hours. As the doctor advised.

Our home is able to be company ready in half an hour as it is basically tidy all the time. True, there may be slippers in the lounge or a cup on the table, but this can easily be fixed. I just close our bedroom doors to hide the permanently clean but unmade beds.

We love our home as we feel it nurtures us and even though we only may be gone a few hours when we have to go out, we find we are really looking forward to coming home again.

When we were engaged, we agreed that it would be nice to grow old together and we have. Twenty-five years later, it isn't so nice. But thank goodness we have each other and that's the only nice thing about it.

Suffering is not our fault.

 I have tried not to dwell on my illnesses these days, but still find that I have to remember to do this:

Accepting that one's life is going to be difficult due to ongoing illness makes for a happier life. When the chronically ill person decides to give it to God, and to cling to Him instead of succumbing to false guilt, life takes on a normality in what many would see as anything but. It is a surrender, if you will.

Suffering does not make us second-class Christians, as some false teachings would purport. Nor does it mean we are faithless or aren't reading our Bibles or standing on the promises of God regarding healing.

Furthermore, being ill does not check us out of God's watchful Eye of concern, or mean that He is an uncompassionate God. No, we all are subject to frailties and problems in the flesh because we live in a fallen world... we have not been singled out to suffer...

God has given us things to do in our suffering and it is important that we stay close to Him and continue to read the Word and pray. It is not that God has moved, when He feels far away during a flare or illness, but our emotions are also hurting as a result of our condition.

It is important to pray that God heal us, and to ask the Church to anoint us with oil according to the Scriptures... It is essential to our emotional and spiritual health to stay in the faith and believe that God can heal us, but to pray for strength until- or even IF it is His will to do so.

I know that should/when another flare comes for me that I will have to cling to Jesus and reread what I have written here (for I write it for myself as well as you). I will need to surrender this next painful chapter of my life, knowing that God will still be there for me.

Surrendering our pain and our life to God is the only thing we can do.... meanwhile, I thank Him for the few days of respite..

Suffering is not our fault, but is because we live in a fallen world.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. 3 John 1:2

Seeking Him in a meltdown

So today I was watching all the news and viewing You Tube videos of current events and I grew fearful.The adrenaline started flowing and I knew that I had to get some control back to my body if possible.

I quickly turned on my worship music. I started to cry as flashbacks of God's faithfulness and goodness over my whole life time flashed before my eyes. Oh how faithful and good He's been to me! 

With a life of  many trials and much pain due to fibromyalgia, I can confidently testify that my God has been there beside me, comforting, correcting, forgiving and being so so compassionate and kind! Sometimes walking beside me and often carrying me.

Trauma, illness and abuse have given me PTSD but even so, I never once have failed to sense God's Presence, so real that I could almost feel His breath and touch of His Hand. 

But being a sufferer of many illnesses including mental illness, I have learned that it is essential to run to Jesus the minute fear or pain or flashbacks assault my peace. And I have learned that it is true that one has to bring those fearful thoughts or emotions in to the captivity of Christ. So I sprang into action.

I sat in my study, closed my eyes and listened to the words of the song that explains exactly how I feel about my God. And slowly the adrenaline abated as the peace that passes all understanding overtook my stressed body.

As I focussed on worship, I didn't hear Chris come in and it wasn't until he took my hand and started to sing along with me that I knew he was near. Not a word was needed to explain why I sat crying with upheld arms and mouthing those words of gratitude and praise. 

Holding Chris' hand, I realised once again how blessed I was by the LORD in giving me a Christian husband who knows to bring his hurts and fears to God and bring his thoughts into the captivity of Christ. And who encourages his damaged soul mate to do the same, by his example.

It's important to keep our focus on God's goodness and faithfulness in times of fear and trouble. It's the only way we are going to regain our peace and equilibrium.  So are you seeking Him in a meltdown?

 © Glenys Robyn Hicks

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

Oh no, no ho ho

So we had our little granddaughter Taylah for a few days, and picked her up Friday, but it didn't go to plan. After a full day, in spite of me making an effort to play with her and give her my full attention, she decided she wanted to go home. 

She said she missed her mother, and so we made the 2 hour trip each way to drop her off again. Even though I didn't drive, I was exhausted. Even being a passenger is gruelling when you have a fibromyalgia flare, angina, sore back and broken knees that throb with every heart beat.

I had bought a rolling pin with the nativity on it and planned to make Christmas cookies as gifts. Well, I did make cookies as promised with Taylah helping me, but not the ones I planned to give away. They were plain cookies. 

When I told her we had to refrigerate the dough for a couple of hours, she said she didn't want to have to wait. So the Christmas cookies didn't come to pass. 

The Mother of all Flares has come to pay me yet another visit- or maybe I just haven't recovered from the last one. I am feeling so exhausted I could collapse. So yesterday I had a nana nap and went to bed earlier than normal.

I was hoping that would do the trick and give me some wind under my sails, but in truth I awoke with no spoons. No spoons on Christmas Eve is a disaster!

We were supposed to leave our home around 11am today and visit my children and grandchildren but I felt unsteady on my feet, due to wonky knees, foggy in head due to fibro and hurting so badly with my spinal stenosis that I had to cancel.

Tomorrow we are supposed to see Taylah open her presents, visit my sister and son for lunch and go to my step-daughter's for afternoon tea before driving the two hours home before dark.

Truthfully, unless I have a miracle, we won't be going. After I finish chatting to you, I will be letting the Tramadol work by going to bed to rest. I really want to feel better.

As much as I love my family and Christmas, it would seem that it is going to have to be cancelled. It's a pity but it is what it is! Besides, nobody wants a spaced out whiny woman around them on Christmas Day. And I don't want to her, but unfortunately it's hard with illness to have any ho ho ho. 

No mojo with fibro

So leading up to Christmas, I had my 9 year old granddaughter Taylah, stay with us until Christmas Eve, when she would be taken home in plenty of time for Santa to come.

I promised Tay that we would make Christmas cookies make cubbies, play school, go swimming and have a play date with her cousins. 

Day one started out well and we played school, office workers and shop keepers. I showed Tay how to touch type, taught her a bit of Italian and French in a fun way and then I promptly ran out of spoons.

I simply had to give in to the pain and take some Tramadol to keep going. I made some lunch and felt like I might pass out. Dizziness assailed me and I felt vomity. Probably the Tramadol.

I had to explain to Tay that I love having her here, but am not well and I need to take a nana nap. She got a crash course in fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. 

She had lost her paternal grandmother last week and was very anxious about me so I didn't want to frighten her too much, so I said that if I don't go to rest for an hour that I would not enjoy her stay because I would be cranky. If I went to bed just for an hour, I would enjoy it so much more, and so would she.

As she accepted this fact, she immediately bombarded me with "but I thought we were making cookies, playing out side and making a cubby house?" I told her we could do all that if I took a nap. She said OK then got her ipad out. I went to bed and allowed the Tramadol to do its magic. It didn't.

No, it didn't do anything except make me nauseous, even after a 20 minute nap. That was all I got. So, I got up, made us all a cup of tea and sat down with Chris to watch a video he wanted to show me.

Taylah pouted and demanded to make cookies, as I had had a nana nap. Groaning, I got up and started taking ingredients out to make the cookies. 

After that, I was too exhausted to clean the kitchen. I cooked dinner and then it was time for Tay to have her bath. That wasn't a big deal as she's nearly ten, but she wanted me to play MacDonalds with her, so I got some wooden spoons and plastic cups for her to play with. 

I sat on my shower stool and bought some Big Macs,"no pickles, no onion and a soft serve cone for my daughter." We blew bubbles with the Imperial Leather soap and I did what Fibromites do best: I tried to hide my pain and pretended to have a good time.

By 9 o'clock I insisted that Tay go to bed and I joined her. Before we went to sleep, she told me she missed her mother and wanted to go home.

In the morning, she assured me she loved being here and she loved me but wanted her mum. I told her I understood and that it was fine. We would take her home. She was humming to herself as she played teacher and when I went to the fridge, I found a love note from her to me.

I was glad as I worried she didn't stay with us longer because I was a boring old lady. And I fear I am. Cos everyone knows there's no mojo with fibro.

Resting my tired twinkle

So I did a thing that stripped me of what little spoons I had. I took a shower and went to click and collect a few Christmas gifts I ordered on line.

I came home and cooked dinner and had a bad asthma attack. I couldn't breathe properly. Chris tidied up the kitchen for me and I sat down for a while until I felt better.

The Mother of all Fibro Flares has paid me a visit. I ache everywhere and feel too exhausted even to talk. It is nearly 9pm here and I am ready to go to bed. 

You just have to listen to your body in times like this. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up with some spoons.

After 6 months of not seeing my little granddaughter, Taylah, we are picking her up Friday and having her for a few days. I just have to be well enough for that. We have missed each other. Fortunately she is nearly 10 years old, so she doesn't need a lot of care.

I am too pooped to worry a great deal about Christmas this year. We have bought a few things online and that will have to do. Sometimes you just have to rest your tired twinkle! 

Something to remember if we move.

Yesterday's house inspection went well. She thanked us for keeping the house nice and said the owners will be pleased. I am glad to hear that because Chris wants to move closer into the bigger towns when/if we sell the fifth wheeler. I want to move closer to my children if I have to move. I am not keen on moving again. Anyway, we will have a good record as tenants if we have to move.

I have arms that feel like they're made of lead today. Fibromyalgia. I did our online shop again and it's due to be delivered this afternoon. It's the easiest way for us to do it these days. I have some dishes to wash from lunch and breakfast and I will probably have a nana nap to be able to cope with cooking diner and putting the shopping away.

Lately I've been spending quite a bit of time in bed. It usually doesn't get made much for that reason. But with it looking nice yesterday for the inspection, I decided to take a snap of it. Something to remember if we move.

Sufficient unto the day

 

As  a woman who suffers from chronic illness and pain through fibromyalgia,  I often succumb to bouts of depression. I have a few tips on overcoming it. 

First and foremost, start your day in prayer. Ask God for the strength to face the day and play worship music to lift your spirit.

Try to be in the moment and take one day at a time. That's all we can tackle otherwise, the sense of failure can be overwhelming. We aren't meant to take it on all at once.

If you try to just focus on the next task at hand and not dwell on the future, it will help your attitude to realise that you have accomplished something. It will then snowball as you progress through the day.

With chronic illness, I set myself just one or two daily goals that are achievable: for me it is wash the dishes and put away the clean clothes. I only focus on those goals that I know are achievable and if at the end of the day, they are done, then I feel a sense of accomplishment instead of defeat.

Nothing depresses me more than a feeling that I have achieved nothing all day. I don't worry that others may say "for goodness sake, it's only washing dishes..." for us in the throes of illness, be it mental or physical- it's a big deal. Delight yourself in small victories.

I find that in setting small goals it knocks the cloud of gloom off its perch and makes me hopeful that I will be able to rise above the depression. Give yourself a high five and see that any job you do is a step in the right direction. It still blesses your family and serves the LORD. 

I think when we are depressed and/or in pain, the desire to go Home to the LORD is strong. After all, we are tired of living in a world of pain and we look forward to our redemption. But in saying that, we still have a work to do until that time. 

As FlyLady says, baby steps. But just taking baby steps lead us out of our rut and it is that first baby step that will hasten our healing of depression and sense of failure. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

 Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof. Matthew 6:34 

You are doing well!

If you suffer from chronic pain as I do, do you sometimes feel less worthy as a woman, wife, mother and homemaker because of your illness? At times like these, fibromyalgia/CFS, lupus and heart disease can cause chronic pain, and can become very lonely diseases. And self-fulfilling ones.

It does seem unfair that not only do we have this accursed disease but that we feel obliged to defend ourselves constantly! Sometimes even to doctors! Families can often be the worst with their taunts about being a hypochondriac and demanding we get a job! Why don’t they realise just breathing is a job some days and besides which, your joints and muscles feel as stiff as a statue??

Because I walk in your shoes, may I offer you some advice and comfort? Which I know you need as you bear one of the heaviest loads imaginable: chronic pain and illness whilst trying to be a good wife, mother and home maker.

Are we not the best of loving wives and mothers, homemakers, servants of our family and the LORD? We don’t throw in the towel and give up because we can’t- we have our families and home to look after- but we draw on all our innermost reserves to give to our families what is needed when we just want to crawl back into bed and vegetate. Do we? Not as much as we want!

We show great devotion, endurance, and self-sacrifice with our limited energy and draw closer to God than perhaps most healthy women would do. Why? Because it is harder for us! 

Isn't it more valuable in spiritual terms to deny oneself the rest and ease we would love to indulge in, than to achieve the "honour" of having the most spotless of homes etc with relatively little cost as regards personal denial and physical pain? 

Kind of like Jesus's parable of the widow's mite- she gave all she had and the others gave of their abundance! Do you not see the correlation? We give our all, not just a little of the abundance of our strength. Surely then for us, are we not more worthy of honour and appreciation? I would say so!

And so I would encourage you to realise that you do not have to take the taunts and demands to heart, nor let it settle in your spirit. You do not have to defend yourself incessantly to anyone, because you are doing far more already than most people of lesser fortitude would do. Furthermore, God hears our sighs and pleas, He knows we are but dust and knows our frame- He most of all identifies with our weaknesses!

Will He not say "Well done Thou good and faithful servant" Matthew 25:21  to us who struggle to serve others every day when our flesh cries out for compassion and being served ourselves? In moments like these, I cling close to Christ and let His compassion and grace wash over me afresh- for without His closeness I would never get up some mornings! With the Psalmist, let us rely on God for our strength as we cry, "I love you LORD my strength!" Psalm 18:1 I pray you feel His loving help.  You are doing well!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Letting the Sonshine in!

We chronically ill people need to feel hope. With chronic pain one is worn down and depression often results. If one can't get to church often we have to face not only problems with validation but judgments about our faith walk. 

With depression comes a low in spirituality so that one can feel estranged from God. Obviously, those judgments don't help. 

It is important to focus on Jesus and remind ourselves that God loves us just as we are, and not how fast we spin our wheel. 

Keeping the focus on God's unconditional love for us will be helpful as well as reminding ourselves that we are saved through Grace, not works. 

Let's not succumb to depression through pain and instead let us be kind to ourselves and each other by focussing on the goodness and greatness of God's love for us by praying and worshiping in spite of our pain.

When we lift our thoughts to God, it is letting the Sonshine in. 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.  Ephesians 2:8-9

A discipline worth fighting for.

Next month I will turn 68 and in all honesty, it has been a bumpy ride. All manner of tribulations, trials and hurts have been interspersed with blessings, wonder, tears of joy and love.

Like most people, I realise that time has passed by very quickly. It seemed I blinked from the time of being a young bride to now being the grandmother of the bride!

Birthdays don't phase me, in fact I celebrate each one joyfully, in spite of the fact that my physical life is a painful symphony of noisy ailments that clash in a discordant cacophony that threaten my mental health.

It's so easy to succumb to depression when one has a constant string of painful ailments to vie with each other to be Conductor of the piece. I battle them constantly. 

I struggle to have the vicissitudes of life as salubrious as possible: I want to live my life well and not simply endure it. I know now how fast life passes us by and how precious every moment is.

Years ago, I realised I can go either way: try to be grateful and be happier or whine all the time and resent my life and be miserable. I choose to be grateful which is harder- but it has hope in it. 

To be honest, sometimes these overlap and I find myself whining just after feeling grateful and I have to bring my thoughts into the captivity of Christ...  however, in general, I try to be upbeat and positive. No mean feat with fibromyalgia, heart and spinal problems.

Gratefulness is a discipline worth cultivating in order to live our life well. Gratefulness will enhance our life and help us overcome our health trials.

It takes practice, it takes prayer, it takes self control- but it is a discipline worth the effort in order to have a good life albeit a painful one.

Every moment of every day equates to our life and it is imperative that we try to focus on anything that is positive, good, noble and right. If we don't, we will be miserable as well as in pain.

Gratefulness is  difficult to practise, and positivity is sometimes impossible, but in order to look over our life at the end of the day,and acknowledge that it is good, it is a discipline worth fighting for.

 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

I am blessed

 

After a horrid day with pain from my fibromyalgia and arthritis, I gratefully sank into bed, pulling my soft minkie blankets over me.

As is my custom before sleeping, I prayed and thanked God for the good things of the day. And as I started to pray, the blessings of the day kept on coming.

I was and am thankful and grateful for so many things which truthfully are more abundant than the horrid things that make up my life of chronic illness.

The warmth of my bed and the softness of my blankets, the feather down pillow that allowed me to adjust it to just the right way to support my sore neck and shoulder muscles and the light that shone softly at my bedside all soothed and nurtured me. 

The outside light shone through the star shapes in my drapes, and the little stars lit up the room and danced across my bed as my chest moved in breaths and sighs of contentment. My little cat snuggled up beside me. We were both content.

How blessed I am to be able to lay my head down to rest in peace. So many the world over do not have that luxury. 

My soft minkie pajamas caressed my skin, soothing it and unlike other clothing, did not make me itch in a way that started an itchy frenzy. Only the Fibromite who suffers from constant itch would be grateful for that.

As I gave thanks for all those things, I remembered the labour saving devices I have been blessed to own, and along with that, I gave thanks for the many convenience foods and products that make my life as a Sacrificial Home Keeper easier. Not for the first time, I thanked God for allowing me to live in a country where these products are available.

I am grateful for the convenience of online banking, shopping and grocery purchases. Many a day finds me with limited spoons and I do not feel inclined to leave my home.

And when I have to get repeat prescriptions made up, I am grateful that I have an app that allows me to order them and pick them up later...

Our little country home nurtures us and gives me many comforts for which I am also grateful. And as the happy relaxed thoughts overtook me, I drifted into sleep, glad and secure that I am the LORD'S and He will be there tomorrow to bless me and console me as I walk the lonely painful path of chronic illness and pain.

There's nothing that can compare to counting one's gifts of love from the LORD. I am blessed. And grateful.

 

 © Glenys Robyn Hicks

 

For thus says the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel: “ In returning and rest you shall be saved; In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.”  Isaiah 30:15 

Staying dainty..

I have been ill with fibromyalgia for about twenty years now. In that time, lots of things have changed, and one of them is my personal hygiene routine.

One would think that taking a bath or a shower would be an easy thing to accomplish, but if you suffer from chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, back problems or angina problems like I do, you would realise that it consumes a lot of your spoons. So I had to do a bit of rethinking of my daily routines. I've discovered that one of the places that takes a lot of my spoons is the bathroom.

Because bathing and drying and dressing exhaust me, I varied my time in taking a bath depending on how well I feel. If I have enough energy, I would bathe in the morning, if not I would take a shower before bed as Chris is home and he helps me get dried and into my nightie. (When you are chronically ill, you quickly get over being humbled by needing assistance- you are grateful for any help available.)

I have found that if I take a bath or shower in the morning I am left with no energy for the rest of the day. If I take my shower at night, I have just enough energy afterwards to get myself to bed, which works out much better.

Hot baths or showers leave me too exhausted and give me angina pain, so I take showers with only warm or tepid water. While I would prefer to shower every day, showering is best done every other day for me to avoid flare-ups of pain, fatigue and soreness. I have decided on some new course of action to make time in my bathroom more fibro-friendly.

One of the first things I changed was how I take a shower, or rather, the position in which I shower: sitting. Here I find those telephone type showers are useful. When I get out of the shower, I sit down to dry off.

I can no longer blow dry my hair so by necessity my hairstyle has been wash and air dry for years now. Time in front of the sink brushing my teeth or washing my face has been modified by resting one foot on a stool while standing. Because of spinal problems and being a short person, I have a glass in my bathroom which I fill with water and use for rinsing and cleaning my toothbrush without straining to reach the tap.

I no longer wear makeup, the standing in front of the mirror and the use of my hands in holding the various tools of the task, is now limited to special occasions only; it is too painful a task to do on a daily basis. Also, my face is so sensitive that it breaks out in red welts at the slightest pressure... which includes smearing on foundation. This is called dermagraphia.

The bottom line is taking a shower is a real workout now. In addition to modifying how I take a shower, I am going to follow these 3 rules: I will only take a shower at night, I will only take warm water showers and I will only take a shower every other day. With the employment of a good deodorant after each shower and a fresh change of underwear each night and morning, I have found that I don't offend anyone and remain feminine and dainty.

Life with chronic illness is complicated, but at least I manage to stay clean while living it! No need to not enjoy staying dainty!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

So teach [us] to number our days, that we may apply [our] hearts unto wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Making a difference!

As sacrificial home keepers, we still can achieve a good deal in creating a peaceful home for our family. We can still make a difference: it just takes extra planning and energy and consulting our lists!

"What really does work to increase the feeling of having a home and its comforts is housekeeping. Housekeeping creates cleanliness, order, regularity, beauty, the conditions for health and safety, and a good place to do and feel all the things you wish and need to do and feel in your home.
Whether you live alone or with a spouse, parents, and ten children, it is your housekeeping that makes your home alive, that turns it into a small society in its own right, a vital place with its own ways and rhythms, the place where you can be more yourself than you can be anywhere else." by Cheryl Mendelson, Home Comforts: The Art & Science of Keeping House

I have posted lists that show how we sacrificial home keepers can stay on top of things by planning and pacing. I hope they will be of some help to you. Feel free to print the Lists out if you want.

No matter how little we do or how big or small our home is, we can still be like the Proverbs 31 woman and and still live out Titus 2. We can still make a difference!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

"So teach [us] to number our days, that we may apply [our] hearts unto wisdom" Psalm 90:12

Pain changes people!

In dealing with my fibromyalgia flares, I find dealing with the accompanying mental pain is just as bad as dealing with unrelenting physical pain. It is just as difficult to bear.

Usually a mild mannered person, after coping all day with searing pain in my muscles, topped off with an inability to sleep soundly, I can fly off the handle occasionally.

Yesterday for example, I managed to catch up on my dishes, which turned out to be a three part marathon. Usually Chris puts them away but yesterday it didn't happen.

My fingers were paining me, my back ached and my legs didn't feel like they could hold me up. Unfortunately, a feeling of resentment overtook me, and I yelled at Chris for not doing his part.

I love being a wife and homemaker, but when everything is hurting at once, and not sleeping well because of the pain, resentment rose up in me. 

Resentment that I wasn't getting any help coupled with no pain relief and tiredness made me verbally buck and shy like a wild stallion. Along with resentment of my lack of help came resentment that my body has let me down.

Once resentment kicks in, it opens the door to self-pity and depression. I don't like yelling at Chris, particularly as he is usually not only helpful but emotionally nurturing and supportive.

I have found that at times like this, when pain causes me to blow my stack, that like an overtired toddler, I need to rest. So I put myself to bed for a nana nap.

But before I go for that nap, I apologise to Chris and go to sleep talking with the LORD and repenting of my bad humour.

Fibromyalgia pain never lets up, even in our sleep. It pursues us in our rest and deprives us of even the enjoyment of a brief period of respite in sleep. We toss and turn, trying to get comfortable- and that is even during the brief time our dry aching eyes are actually closed. It is not restorative at all.

I have had to learn to stop feeling false guilt for reacting to my pain when the levels are high enough to launch a rocket. That's how I feel during a flare. But I have got to remember that I didn't ask for this and am not responsible for succumbing to this painful syndrome.

I must remember that fibromyalgia pain-or indeed any pain, makes the vicissitudes of life that much harder to bear. Everything is exaggerated both physically and mentally, and the only thing I can do is accept that this is not my usual self, for pain changes people.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent. Psalm 71:9

Give us the comfort of Jesus~

I recently saw a post from a Christian woman who blogs about marriage and who believes she is an authority on all things spiritual. Along with this narcissim, she has a very prideful and uncompassionate and judgemental attitude. Plus she will never concede that perhaps, just perhaps, she is wrong.

She was exhorting us to not allow any sin into our lives: gluttony was high up on her list. And whilst gluttony is a sin- (anything taken into excess especially that which is harmful- is a sin)- she proceeded to broadcast her lack of knowledge in weight and health matters, and made the blanket statement that overweight is always due to gluttony and that is therefore sin.

So many chronically ill people commented and her attitude was one of "pipe down you glutton and confess your sin!" Many overweight people- Christians- were upset by her and I join them. I wrote a reply as this woman needs to be made aware that her judgements are not only spiritually wrong but also medically incorrect....

OK. So I am obese. After 3 heart stents, an underactive thyroid that took years to diagnose, fibromyalgia, Scheurrmanns Disease, spinal stenosis, hole in the heart and a torn meniscus in the left knee plus years of Prednisolone due to polymyalgia rheumatica, I don't move around much.

Every single one of the 30 pills I must take daily add to my chronic fatigue and lack of alertness. I eat healthy food and keep to 1200 cals a day. Due to meds, I must eat with them and I cannot fast- but I have tried. To make a simple equation in physics help me lose weight, I would be able to consume a plate of lettuce once a day. Which is unreasonable and unsustainable.

I am very close to God and am under absolutely no conviction that I am either a glutton or a consistent sinner. I am however, absolutely constantly reassured of a God Who loves me as a Father loves His child and I confess I cling to Him in my daily living with chronic illness and consequent obesity.

To have prideful and uncompassionate people act like Jobs' Comforters is no help at all and very unChristlike. Where is grace? Why the judgements? Thank God we have one Judge and Advocate: I thank God it's Jesus.

It is a shame that this woman is so unsympathetic and strident: she speaks a lot of truth regarding marriage, but again with the caustic remarks and prideful attitude one sees in her adored author Debi Pearl, as seen in her horrible book Created to Be A Help Meet.

A Christian teacher should be gentle, not prideful, harsh and downright cruel. There are so many of us who are overweight and who fight it daily. We do not need to be told that we are sinning because of our weight. It is a sad state of affairs when we have the added pain of condemnation from an unlearned individual to contend with as well.

Let us be slow to speak and then to do so in love, just as our Saviour taught us. We need His comfort as we battle our weight and illnesses, not some self righteous cowgirl galloping in on her stallion. Job's comforters are not required- (not that she tries to comfort anyway) Give us the comfort of Jesus!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

I have heard many such things: miserable comforters are ye all. Job 16:2

Fibro gets personal

Fibromyalgia has us unsure of where exactly our body is hurting, but for some of us, pain isn't the only symptom we have. There is one other that vies for our attention: itch!

My body itches everywhere.... my face is so itchy that I scratch at it until it bleeds. I use a ruler to scratch my shoulders, back and nape.

Sometimes in the morning my nails have blood under them where I have scratched my scalp. For this reason, I cannot get my grey hair dyed as I would get chemicals in my scalp.

Tags on my clothes cause me to itch unbearably so I cut them off. My hair blowing on my face or neck drives me insane with itch, so I keep my hair very short these days.

After all these twenty plus years of suffering with fibromyalgia, it has now gotten very personal. Very. And I have spoken to a few women I know well enough to ask, and who have fibro and they all agree that it has progressed from what we all discuss to now becoming very personal. You could say: intimate.

We have found that regardless of whether we have just showered or bathed, we suffer intense itching in our personal areas. 

So intense is this itch that it wakes us up and whips us into an itching frenzy. We are not satisfied until we have scratched ourselves raw.

Likewise, under our overhang on our lower abdomen, we have itch that drives us insane as well. And irregardless of hygiene- we have itching in the groins and back of the legs where the leg joins the groin.

It seems that fibromyalgia is a syndrome that annoys one to the inth degree and delights in attacking every phase and aspect of our life and body.

It gives one a new found compassion for the poor dog scraping itself along the ground with extreme personal itch.  One can relate.  Nothing gets more personal than fibro! 

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. 3 John 1:2